Are there any caregivers out there who still have healthy, mutually supportive relationships with their siblings? I sure don't, and soooooo many others in my situation do not either. My sister and I have become strangers to one another. She has made it plain that she will not help in the day-to-day tasks ("too busy with a stressful job"--well, I have a stressful job too) and so I have pretty much shut myself down, and ask the bare minimal amount from her; doing otherwise only causes antagonistic, bitter arguments. She despises my husband and he despises her.
I strongly, strongly feel that once dad (95, living at home with husband & I as live-in caregivers) passes I will have nothing much to do with her at all.
Why does this ugliness have to happen? I've cried so many tears over it.
I'm not sure why anyone would attend anyone's funeral, except that they had put their professed "love" for the deceased person INTO ACTION.
In your case, if there were alarm bells going off in your head about some 150k life insurance then you should have notified the proper authorities, instead of sitting there stewing about it. By now you're convinced your sister is the devil, aren't you?
But the fact is, maybe your mom truly DID want to leave "more" to your sister, and, WHAT may I ask, is so very wrong about a person leaving "more", even 150k "more" to someone who provides daily caretaking for them?
In addition, it is for sure that the non-helping siblings will be back when it is time to collect the inheritance. It may be a good idea to keep emails and letters from the non-helping siblings, if they have stated that they will not help out. The reason I say this is because if you are being left more of the inheritance because of caregiving, and the non-helping siblings try to sue you at some point, you will have something in writing to prove that they refused to help. They cannot deny anything if it is in writing.
Basically, I got that you and your husband do everything with no help from siblings who will show up for the funeral looking for their inheritance while ya'll never get a break which is ok because you prefer to please God instead of people and you do pay your taxes. Did I miss something?
What do you and your husband do for yourselves and each other as a couple since your future together has a higher probability of living longer than your mother?
Two of my colleagues, both rehab nurses, lost their moms not too long ago and I got to see what a more supportive family and a more community-involved, unselfish elderly person's situation might be like. There were some conflicts to be sure, but they pulled together and shared the work of taking care of the houses, etc. Both moms had huge church funerals with their whole community turning out to grieve and celebrate their rich, full lives.
It is not wrong to want and wish for that - it should be more the norm, and who knows, maybe in the wider world of people who don't have as many needs to post on AgingCare, it is! If you could get sibling to get on here even if its just to "complain" about her pesky sister asking too much of her, maybe at some point it will hit her that she is missing out on being part of Dad's last days, being unfair to both you and herself, by sticking her head in the sand and not doing more than the bare minimum. Or, maybe she will come clean with the real reasons she does not want to do more. Once it gets into an antagonistic mess like this, the walls go up and the guilt level is under the surface so it is hard to admit being wrong or commit to doing differently. Approach it by asking what she *would* be willing to do - smaller things first if you have to suggest any.
If not, at least you are not in the boat where the less willing-to-pitch-in sibling is trying to run the show or steal the funds...plenty of stories like that on here too, if you really want to see some even deeper heartbreak and hurt.