I'm beginning to think that siblings that do not visit their elderly parents (if they live in the area and have the time) are dysfunctional.

Everyone's situation is different. I have a brother nearby that has a family of seven, including himself. He is the sole bread winner. He is also very active with his church, which takes a couple of days of his time. He is totally committed to both his family and church, so it leaves little time for other things. Because he has strong Christian beliefs, I can tell that he feels bad about not being more involved. I do not expect him to do any more than he does, because it would be a terrible burden on him. I do not have the responsibility he does.

The other brother lives many states away, so it would be impractical to expect him to do much.

This is my first posting and I want to say that I understand your comment 'I am still considering whether or not to keep in touch with my sister when our parents are no longer around'. I am taking care of my 82 year old mother and I have no help or support from my older brother, who lives 30 minutes away. I do believe that when my mother is gone (my father passed away June 2011) that I will never have anything else to do with my brother. But, in our case we have never been close and this is the final straw for me. If he cannot help me now, then I have no use for him later. I know this does not help you, but I wanted you to know that others are in the same situation as you. I wish I had an answer for you and all the others going through this.

I forgot to add that I don't think either are terribly dysfunctional. They are just busier than I am. I work at home, so fit what was needed. Now, I might be majorly dysfunctional myself. Usually I think I'm half crazy and getting more so every day I remain a caregiver. :)

In my case, both my brother and I are not working due to various disabilities. I cannot say whether my brother is dysfunctional or not, I know he has never shown an ounce of compassion toward anyone during my lifetime. And, as to half crazy, well, I passed that point a long time ago. ;)

Jessiebell. I say BS. If he is a Christian. Honor thy mother and father. Just an excuse if he lives close

Here4her, I know what you're saying. I feel that my brother has such strong beliefs that he convicts himself for not being more involved. His job keeps him on the road a lot, as does his church. I believe he convicts himself enough that I don't need to add any extra. One person can only do so much.

I am sorry if your siblings seem to not care, and maybe they don't. But for me, it is hard for me to see my mother's decline. I am sure I am an accountant because I never would have been a good nurse, but it doesn't mean I love my mom any less. I find it depressing and almost physically painful to go see mom. That bing said, my sisters understand how hard it is for me. I don't think either will cut me off after mom goes. Now, maybe you can ask the sibling that doesn't visit to take on some other role. I pay mom's bills, do her banking and some of the legal work. Have you ask for some other type of help from your sibling that doesn't visit? Maybe they just don't know what's needed to take care of mom or dad. Ask them why they don't visit, maybe it's just too hard, we are not all alike, how boring a world - or family - if we were all the same. JMO!

My sister worked across the street from the nursing home I first put mom in back in 06. She drove right by mom's residence twice a day ..she never ONCE stopped to visit her. I lived 20 miles away and visited mom often at different times of the day to make sure she was being cared for. BUT...I do believe my sister is very dysfunctional. As a child she only cared about herself and would blame others for things SHE did which got the other child in BIG trouble...(being picked up by the ears and carried into another room). She never 'grew" out of that type of behavior and now at 56, she is STILL a bully. She's bullied me for years and years. Over the years, I would attempt to ask her "why do you treat me this way" and she would always say...I don't want to talk about it. OF COURSE she doesn't. It would be admitted that she is a BULLY and always has been. I've always been the opposite of her...a pleaser since childhood. She also has cancer now and I know this sounds bad but, I don't feel ONE BIT sorry for her. KARMA is alive and well. When she bullied me with her drinking buddies about 3 years ago, I told her "That's it" and I had no contact with her for 2 years. Meanwhile, I have always cared for mom...took care of all of her paperwork, bought her shoes, clothes, took her to all appts., took her to funerals, took her to visit relatives..etc. etc. etc. WHen I see the NH is neglecting her, I bring her home to live with me again. It's always been this way.I had brought mom home to live with me again after the NH abused mom back in Dec, 2011. Something kept telling me..."call your sister". Mom was on hospice, she was SO bad when I brought her to live with me. SO, I finally gave in a called the PERSON who is supposed to be my sister and told her. ..Mom is on hospice, she'd appreciate it if you would come and see her. Well, sister came alright....but NOT to see mom. She barely said, "hi" to mom as mom lay there in the bed. Sister then began telling me ALL about the day she was told she had cancer and blah, blah, blah, blah. I didn't care at all but I never told her. I just listened. She stopped by to "visit"...like nothing had ever happened ...all those years of bullying me. She never once said she was sorry..in fact, the subject never came up. She wasn't there to see mom. THAT made me mad but still I never said anything. My house is on her way home from work and TO work. She didn't have to go one minute out of her way. She stopped by three times during those 4 months mom lived with me and NONE of the visits were to SEE MOM or even TALK to mom. Then, out of the blue she calls and asks me to come to her house on Friday to get some tomatoes..she had been making salsa and had SO MANY. When Friday came, I called first to see if she was awake at 2pm and I should have known...She wasn't even home but at a friend's house in the pool...drinking it up and having fun. THAT was the last straw for me. I guess she started feeling a bit "badly" about that day and a week later she stops by my house with a bag of 6 TINY tomatoes in it. I didnt' even want to see her face. She hands me the bag and I look inside to see the poor little tomatoes and was going to just take the bag WHEN she says, "Uh, well..you only need one or two, don't you???" OMG. She is the most selfish, self-centered, bullying person I've ever known in my life. And, I have known her longer than ANY of her so called.."friends'..drinking buddies. I sent her a letter telling her I wanted nothing more to do with her and not to EVER stop by AGAIN. DYSFUNCTIONAL....YES!!! Alcohol and partying at her age...even with cancer and the cancer meds she's on...she won't stop. I'm glad to be "rid" of her. Sorry for the long rant!!!

I really do understand how this came to be,All our kids were raise the same, we had two daughters and three sons, Our girls have always been very helpful the sons on the other hand are very selfish.The girls were up to last years when I lose my sweet daughter of age 47,so so hard on me but not untill she was gone from my life did I feel the great loss more so untill now. I am older my wife needs more help as I do.Daughters are by nature ,helpful caring,compasion,son are into their toys, even churchbecause it serves as an excuse to not visit us. The other son of guns do not because again the same things or into the wife relatives. but we all live from day to day anyway!! You should get a lot of feedback on this ,good luck ,Johnnycares

I don't mean to be unpleasant, but this sounds a bit judgemental. Your situation may be one where you feel frustrated with your sibling for her lack of participation and that is completely understanable. But to judge all situations that way would not be correct. Sometimes family dynamics are so dysfunctional and aimed so much at a particular family member, that the family member feels that they have to walk away.

Having experienced dysfunction in my family of origin and in my husband's family, my motto is that "Just because you share DNA is no excuse for poor behavior from your family". Of course there are exceptions, such as dementia or severe chronic pain, something that would make the parent act out of character.

I can tell you personally, I treat my FIL much better than his own daughter does, yet he disrespects me and hopelessly chases after the daughter that will never give him the approval he seeks. I feel like just walking away from the whole situation myself.

I can relate to this post! I have 4 sisters,1 step brother and 3 step sisters! They all live 20 or less miles away,, No one calls here for my dad NOT even my dads wife! 2 sisters were no shows for my dad's 78th Birthday party and didn't even call! My dad has always been there for each of them their whole lives.. He's sweet and gentle. They show him no care or love... Once in a blue moon they will call and cry to him how they miss and love him and then feed him with excuses..... It boils my blood... I am defiantly not going to be in touch with his wife whatsoever after the fact. I'm on the fence about my sisters.. They weren't brought up this way and I try to express even a phone call would make him happy but still don't. I gave up trying and am so Thankful my dad is living with me!

From what I've observed in life so far, many times it comes down to what the Bible says, "You will reap what you shall sow". How many times have you heard of a parent that was rotten to their children when they were growing up, suddenly expect those same kids to take care of them when they are ill? What about the siblings that have never been close growing up, that had animosity amongst themselves get upset that those same brothers/sisters when they won't pitch in and help with mom and dad now? A person isn't going to wake up one day and say, "Oh my gosh, I've been living my life wrong all these decades. I need to reach out to my family that I've been mad at all my life and change everyone's attitude!!" I believe a family is like a marriage, you have to nurture it at the beginning in order to reap the rewards when it's older. In my family, it was my mom that insisted we spend every birthday and holiday together as a family. That was much simpler when I was little, much harder when we all grew up and moved on with our lives. But we did it anyhow. I am 60 years old and even though mom is gone, we still get together for every single birthday and holiday just like she established in the beginning, and refresh the family's bond. Now I'm not saying that everyone has to do what we did, but the premise is the same. If you don't establish those family bonds at the beginning, how in the world can you expect them to be there later in life? I suppose it's possible, but it'll be much harder and everyone would have to be on the same page. And getting a bunch of adults to bond after so much water has gone under the bridge...well good luck with that. :(

I can certainly relate to all and I am JUST the DIL who has been carding for my MIL for almost 4 years now! She's 89 with vascular dementia she can no longer walk and totally incontinent. I've taken care of her thru 3 surgeries, sickness and currently with major degenerative hip disease and waiting on whether I'm getting a hip replacement but in constant pain, my husband has 4 sisters two of them live live nearby, one of the less than 10 mins away! Two of them have stepped up but are limited. The other pops in once a week to just sit with my MIL. It boils my blood because if anything physical needs to be done she sends her daughter to do the dirty work and I can see its getting to her as well. It's a VERY stressful job. And no my husband will not put his mom in SNF because he said he won't give up on his mother, but on the other hand he isn't the one taking care of her 24/7! So as terrible as this sounds I'm almost praying for the hip replacement soon because that will be the ONLY time I would be able to rest. Terrible thinking I know, but without consistent help I'm burning out very fast and my health and my family are the one paying for it!

Some people are just plain selfish. I have one brother who has always thought about himself and done what he wanted. Even his own adult daughters feel the same way about him. This is the only time that I can remember that I've reached out to him for support with ME taking care of our father. He knows how difficult he can be and the problems I'm facing. He lives 3 hrs away. I understand he can't be here everyday, every week but he certainly can come more often. He also can do things even with living at a distance. He can make phone calls, give some input on other things such as repairs that need to be made. Show some concern, offer something. I've also thought about my relationship with him when my father goes. In saying that, my father has always been an intiminating, stubborn, controlling man. My brother's way of handling it, when he retired, was move away. He could never confront him. The last time I talked to my brother I told him, under the circumstances, he should call more often. He agreed. That was about a month ago.

Whitney, do not suffer in silence. Please at least let your brothers know your mom's needs. They may not respond, but you will feel better as mom's primary care giver, for sharing the challenges and issues. If you keep them to yourself, you have done a dishonor to your mom and placed yourself in the role of victim. You are now mom's advocate and caring for yourself and her must encompass every resource available - including your brothers.
My mom is 85 and in early stages of dementia; I have POA. We are seven, able bodied siblings but do not see eye to eye on her care. I have the one brother that can't stand to see mom getting worse and consequently, avoids contact. I have two other brothers that live with her and take advantage of her forgetfullness - i.e., using her income for their needs. I have called the elder abuse hotline to see where I may intervene with the living arrangements - BUT - mom is still very functional and just needs assistance primarily with her business dealings. My sisters help in every way to support mom and I.

I find this one thing to give me peace when no one else steps up, dad asked me to "take care of your mother" as he lay dying - almost daily for two months. My oath was to him and he was such a great father, I am always striving to give my very best. Is it fair? Who says caring about an aging parent is fair. Is is inconvenient? My mother sacrificed so much so that I could enjoy the fruits of her labor. Is it expedient? You bet! I have a wonderfully blessed relationship with my sisters and mom - one of trust and commitment. We are winning even if all the dogs aren't in the race!

My sister always drives right by our house at least twice each day. I live with and care for my parents while struggling to have a life of my own. When I'm pulling out my hair or if parents are really sick, I can call and sis will come by for an hour (about every 4 mths). Other than that, she supports and encourages me to keep going when I call her all frustrated. I feel trapped while she goes on 2 vacations per year, has a social life, and camps out, plays all summer. I have 1 son at home whom I have no time for, hers are grown/gone. Sure, I get upset, but I think it's more jealousy than anything. When they are no longer here, I can be comfortable in my own skin that I did what I could. My sister might not sleep well at night knowing she passed up opportunities to share their life/wisdom. But I do love and cherish my sister and when my parents are gone she is all I will have left from my childhood family.

Don't know about your situation but there are plenty of parents out there that were dsyfunctional, bipolar, narcisssitic, self centered people that left their kids scarred and left with next to no empathy or desire to stay in touch with their parents. My mother is a borderline personality self centered person that is very hard to be around on a regular basis. We all got away as soon as possible. She was good at making herself look like the poor mom with the bad kids. We all stayed in touch but kept our distance to protect ourselves from her rages and poor me pity parties. When she made a bunch of bad mistakes and lost her house and went bankrupt, I let her move in with my family, which was right after my husband died. I thought it would be for a year or two. It's been five. Now my kids stay away as much as possible. So do my siblings. My house use to be the one everyone wanted to come to for parties and holidays. Thanks mom. The older a dsyfunctional person gets, the worse they usually get. Honor they mother and father is BS when the person is mentally ill.

I am in the same situation. I care for my mother 24/7 with no help. I have 2 sisters and a brother. No one is working-all retired. I am 65 years old. My brother has not seen my mother since Jan. 5th, 2010. He is about 30-35 minutes away. My older sister has seen her 2 times this year 30-35 minutes away). My other sister lives 2-5 minutes away. She visits; however, she never comes be4fore 6:00 p.m., sits and reads a book; offers to do nothing. I have told them how I feel. It has done no good. Judgemental or not, I cannot wait to have nothing to do with them. Add to this the attitude of my mother it's a bit much.

I am joining this train as well as the others. My dad is half the man he used to be due to dementia. My only brother makes it all about money and control. I also think that when my dad has passed I will no longer have my brother in my life or his family. He has not been here to help me with dad so why would I want anything to do with him in the future? He is my only sibling and its rough at times and I feel bad but everytime I let him in just a bit he starts bullying and trying to be in control. I don't need that in my life and the less stress when you are truly taking care of your loved one the better. Dad needs me and I'm there for him as he always was for me growing up. I have forgiven my brother deep in my heart but I will never forget all the hurt and pain he has caused these past few years. When dad is gone so is my brother....

i think almost all of us are in similar situations! i don't know why it has to be this way. my mother and i care for my grandparents (in their own home still). my uncle (always the favorite child) is retired and lives about 15 minutes away; he comes by about once every 2 weeks for five minutes with food (that they either don't like or don't understand how to prepare). my two cousins live within 5 minutes. one came over last week for the first time in THREE years and stayed 15 minutes. the other one comes and plows snow for them in the winter but that's it. it is beyond frustrating that they just take for granted that other people do the caregiving and they don't have to worry about anything.
i will also point out, the level of cognition my grandmother has anymore is limited so when they come over, she doesn't know them OR let them help her and just gets agitated, so it's just as well they stay away. otherwise it's more agitation for me and my mother to deal with.

Whitney- I feel your pain my dear. I really do. I am the DIL of a narcisstic MIL who has every known wrong thing with her health known to man because of her sheer lack of care to maintain the disease. Now she blames everybody as to why she feels like this because she feels as though it's not her fault at all. All of the kids live within 15-20 miles from her but it's only my husband and me that normally pick up the full brunt of things. The others will come in for an hour or so when it convenient but only really visit. Recently I've read up on the Nacisstic disorder and now things make far more sense. However is still doesn't nor will it ever excuse my MIL's meanness and total disregard for anybody's feelings. They normally have a Golden Child that can do no wrong and a Scapegoat who can do no right. So there may be other underlying issues as to why certain children and/or siblings / family members keep their distance. I'm not implying that is the case in your family but it may be one thing to consider if there may have been underlying pain caused to your siblings by your parents. I didn't know where else to turn but to these blogs as one can only have their friends / family listen to so much of the venting. I certainly hope that you will be able to find the root of the problem and can have some peace soon.

What goes around, comes around. Abuse/neglect children when they are young and it will be very difficult to get over that hurdle when they are the adult and the parent is now in need of care. Very difficult, much-much-much prayer is required.

"People are unreasonable and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be good enough.
Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end it's between you and God.
It was never about you and them anyway."
MOTHER TERESA

I can relate, I have a half brother and half sister, my brother has been wonderful as well as his wife has also. My sister on the other hand is selfish, clef centered and wants everyone to see her as the victim. She has NEVER been here to help with mom, she visits when she thinks she needs too, she does like 500 miles away. My mom was in the hospital for two very long hard months and was very sick, my sister wanted to come home, my brother and I told her we would help her as much as we could, she had a place to stay at no charge, also the hospital found out she didn't have anything and started sending her a tray along with moms to eat. We also gave her 200.00 together for her to have for gas etc. we found out she was lying to us, when she started saying she couldn't stay with mom she said itwas because she was afriaid to be out at night be herself or whatever excuse she came up with, we found out she was going to the bars and karaoking, using money we didn't h ave but gave her any way. She was rude to the staff at the hospital, she went back to her home while mom was still in the hospital, she proceeded to post very bad things on Facebook about us and my dad, he's not her dad. It was enough I could have filed charges against her. My mom passed two days ago, she had been in the hospital for almost two weeks, we let my sister know how bad mom was and it didn't look good. We had to let her know about mom passing and now she is saying we kept things from her. We had to make funeral arrangements without her and I dread the drama coming, I totally understand dysfunction after mom is buried I do not intend on having any contact with her. Good luck to you all.

lillian41, I have the sister you described above. Alcohol is all she thinks about...and herself of course. I know mom is a N, but sister is too and doesn't even realize it. She never forgave mom for abusing us as kids and never will. I forgave a long time ago...doesn't mean I have forgotten or ever will. It's forever etched into my mind. I try to do what is right with mom since I'm the only one who cares whether she lives or dies. Other sibling..brother lives close to mom and she never, EVER abused him. She loved the boys and hated sister and me. We weren't even allowed to talk to my dad and he lived in the same house with us. They divorced when I was 13. Sister..which is not what I really want to call her has always been self-centered and will NOT help ANYONE. She's made that clear to me before when I've been stranded on the road blocks from her house..had to find someone else to take me home. Yet, I still helped her...weeding garden, paying her 15 dollars an hour to help me make "puppet shows" for my website. She will never make that much money an hour. She has HS education only and the only job she's ever had is a cook. I could go on an on about her but the final straw for me FINALLY came. I have nothing to do with her and will never have anything to do with her again. Brother..has helped some if I ask but very little. On Mom's birthday this month, I was the only one to visit her at NH as usual..the only one to let her know it was her birthday. Not even the NH realized it so she didn't even get a cupcake or any acknowledgement that it was her 76th BD. So sad. I'm tired..tired of being the only one who visits, cleans her up, takes her places, pays her bills, keeps up with her medical records and visits, etc. If I stopped...she would simply just die. She still knows me and everytime I go see her, she calls my name out and we hold hands until I leave. Dad died in 04 and sister wouldn't even come to see him as he was dying...everyone else had come to see him but her. SHE was his favorite! I called her and told her..dad is dying but waiting to see you. Her response? "BIG SIGH.....UH, are you SURE he's dying????" THAT's how self-centered she is. Dad helped her for years giving her money, etc. I never needed help but helped Dad instead...visiting him while he was still at home AND in the NH. Sister never went to visit him one time in NH. I worked full-time then too and lived 40 miles away. Still, every day I went to see dad in NH after work and tried to feed him, took him out on the patio in his wheelchair for his smoke...made sure he didn't burn himself. Some people will never change and never see just how self-centered they are. In the end...God DOES see and knows our hearts. HE will be the JUDGE when their time comes.

I too have a brother and sister thar don't help or ask about mom. I do everything myself (EVERYTHING). I have POA for my mom but just found out that my mother put my brother and sister on her life ins. policy,and I don't have the power to take them off. So when she's goes I need them to sign papers for her funeral and what's left after gets split between them. Which I'm a little upset about. Should I be upset? Or I'm I feeling wrongly? Both both of them 20 minutes away. And don't come to see her. My brother evens comes to my house to give me his phone bill money because his on my plan,and he never seems to make it her house. When I told them about the life ins. policy they said they would have see after mom goes about the money that's left. I'm I wrong once again thinking I should receive what's left to help with my costs? And I'm like the rest of you I don't know if I want anything to do with after all is done. I was even at a point when my mom did pass I wasn't going to call them, but now that's changed because of the ins. policy. And my daughter always asked why she never had a brother or sister, and I tell her do for what's it worth. Well Good Luck and God Bless to All. One way or another wil get through this and at the end it was all worth it to see maybe the one last smile on your love ones faceor your last hug. Which is something my brother and sister will never have.

I agree---with "at the end it was all worth it to see maybe the one last smile on your love ones faceor your last hug. Which is something my brother and sister will never have". What bothers me is that they don't CARE one bit about seeing that last smile or getting that last hug. SAD, SAD.

Wow I agree 199% have the same issue only I'm JUST the DIL taking care of MIL for the last 4 years! 4 daughters she has two live so close and 1 7 mins away! She drops in maybe once a week. The other sometimes twice the 1 has her priorities all messed up, even stole some of my MIL personal air looms while she was left here trusted watching my MIL. She took advantage of my MIL illness (dementia). Since then We have cleaned and moved all of my MIL personal items and put locks on our rooms, terrible to live like that but I cannot trust that woman in this house anymore. My husband is in between all the drama with his sisters but in the end it's still me caregiving and I'm fading fast with exhaustion and the stress. It's to bad these sisters will never get back what they should have been doing. Now is when my MIL needs her daughters the most but she's not important enough for them to spend there time with her. She's in her last stages.
Thank you all for being here! God Bless and have a good day.

You hit the nail on the head when you said, "she's not important enough for them to spend their time with her." That's exactly what it is...on this end with siblings too. It just makes me livid!

I am no longer speaking to my sister because of her lack of willing to help. Any time I would talk with her about how poorly my parents were and I could use some help, she'd always have an excuse or was too busy.
I too believe that not helping your aging parents is about as low as a person can sink.
I am glad that I am here to help my Mom & Dad at least that way I know they are being well taken care of and I can sleep at night!