I'm beginning to think that siblings that do not visit their elderly parents (if they live in the area and have the time) are dysfunctional.

This is too familiar of a story. I will never understand how someone's children can be "too busy" when their parent obviously needs help. And they only live 20 or so minutes away. In fact, many times passed the house on their way to other places. Always said let me know how I can help. When I did, it was never convenient for them. So it all fell on me. Was I angry? Hell, yeah. But the anger didn't hurt them, only me. Dad will be gone a year on October 26th. His money was split 3 ways and I have now walked away from people who may be related by blood but who I would be embarrassed to say I even know. Doesn't seem to bother them either so it's all good. I have the memories of tucking my dad into bed each night, wishing him good dreams and him thanking me for taking such good care of him. I have the memories of dad not knowing anyone else, but knowing me and trusting me. Those are the gifts, those are the things I cherish. My dad would be so upset by how things are now but I say it is what it is. I wouldn't choose my sister as a friend because of how selfish she is, why just because she's my sister should it make any difference. I will never understand.......

I agree, grace123. I sleep at well at night too!!

OMG...I can tell you how I am feeling right now. I have a sister in law who passes by our street every single week, sometimes, more than that and she NEVER calls or comes to visit Mother. I despise her at this point. I already KNOW I have no intentions of having anything to do with her when that sad day comes and Mother is no longer here. They live in a lake home during the week, and have a different lake home where they go every weekend and the only reason she has this is she married my brother who had it already. My brother is not much different. They contribute NOTHING financially, emotionally, or functionally and I have decided they are little more than arrogant, selfish jackasses. My Mother and Father were the best parents in the world and it is unimaginable to me that my brother could treat my Mother this disrespectfully..or me either. But when my Father became ill and died, I should have known he would be this way by Mother as he was not there for him either. It is very hard for me to reign in my absolute anger, disgust and disrespect for these people any longer...I feel for you.

I wish to add that all of my adult life, I have lived 125 miles from my parents, however literally lived out of a suitcase, having to be responsible for their every need, while my brother, who lived about 20 miles away, did NOTHING. I have had to make two hour drives to buy groceries because my lazy ass brother is too selfish to take time away from his happy life to get what my Mother needed.

It's like I said earlier.....people like those have NO concern for anyone but themselves. It is a sad, sad situation. We can choose not to interact with them for our own well-being. That is what I have done. It has always just been me and used to call them and let them know when mom was in the hospital or something had happened. They didn't care then..they didn't come to visit her. I don't know why it took me SO long to STOP letting them know what was going on with mom. I guess somehow, I wanted them to CARE. I gave up on that and finally realized that they just will and do not care. I imagine it would be different...they might CARE if mom had some kind of money or goods that they thought they may get when she passes but mom has nothing at all. Her clothes is all that she has and me. We can't change other people into what we WISH they would be like. I learned that the hard way. In the end though...and THIS is what we have on our side.....GOD knows and sees ALL. On the judgment day, THEY will have to answer. We already know what God thinks of US!!! Thank you Lord, for giving me a good heart and for the Holy Spirit living within it.

What is so hard for me to understand is that my parents were the absolute best parents in the world. Always there for us, always nurturing and loving and caring about us...we never had to wonder if we were loved and this was especially true for my brother, as particularly with my Mother, he was her favorite child. And now when she needs him, he is not there for her....and is certainly not there for me. I wish it was different. I long for the family I grew up in. My Father passed 16 years ago and my life would never be the same after that. I will say that if I do not keep my brother informed, he starts calling me and raising cain at me. He also calls every single day and drives me insane about every little detail of my day. I have already had to live it once, I don't want to do it again. If he cares so much, why doesn't he come and help out. I'm not so sure about the whole what goes around comes around. I have spent my entire life being here for my parents and am in the process of losing everything I own. He has never taken the time of day to help them with anything and any time he did actually do something he expected them to pay him for it. Contributes NOTHING and yet he is flourishing by leaps and bounds.....I will never understand....

Its funny that I came across this post. Just yesterday I told a good friend that when mom is gone, I think I will be done with my selfish sister. She will be sooo sorry that she wasn't here more often and say that she misses her just like when our brother died recently. Dysfunctional? Maybe, but I think its just plain selfishness. We are givers, and the takers will always be takers. All I know is that when the time comes, if we still have our sanity, we will be able to look back with no regrets. God bless.

It is very difficult to understand how my MILs own daughters don't want to help. I wasn't brought up that way and then again I've always been close to my mom and grandmother. Just hard to believe, instead it has been me for the past 4 yrs who does it all. But next month it will be a big reality check because I'm having hip surgery and my husband will have to do something about who's going to care for my MIL . I'm not only looking forward to great pain relief but also a long rest from caregiving I hope. As long as I am in that house surgeries or not I'm stuck to watching my MIL . I know I must sound terrible but honestly I am so very tired and burnt out. Caregiving while in pain is pure torture. I honestly do not know how they can sleep at night knowing your mom has limited time left. She's 89 yrs old with dementia and has more or less forgotten who her daughters are. Very sad.

BS0213---I DO hope you get some time away with your surgery. ..time away from caregiving and especially caregiving in PAIN. I know how that is too. Mom never cared that I was in pain..it's always just been about her..the N is her as usual. I could be dying and she would be trying to tell someone about her leg or toe that has a cramp in it. But, we keep on keeping on. As someone else mentioned..there are givers (US) and takers (the siblings who have nothing to do with the parent. In the end, we know who we are and we DO sleep well at night. I suppose they do too with all that alcohol they drink every day. SAD, sad sad. FOR THEM. Not us!!!!

My mom has dementia and is in Assisted Living. I've been taking care of everything for her for the past 3 years.My brother lives 1200 miles away, and of course can't do much. He vistis a couple times a year, but I am still resentful of him because he only calls her once every 3-4 weeks, and is out having fun, going on trips etc, while I'm here dealing with her, doing her laundry, overseeing her medical tratment etc. It really ticks me off.

It's really sad when your family has to watch you in pain and depressed, crying and can't be with my own family and grand kids and there so very patient. Meanwhile I'm getting more resentful towards my husband and his family because its me who's feeding bathing and cleaning up poop and changing depends several times a day. 24/7 unless I get a day off or my drs. Appts. It's totally draining meanwhile his sisters live 7 and 20 mins away! Believe me I've tried to plead my case. My husband is stuck on the fact he made a promise to his mother, that's all fine and dandy but its still me who's caring fir my MIL. So I will care for myself after my surgery I am just scared to come home because of the fact I will be to convenient. And after two surgeries and wasn't able to recover then, I am hoping to be able to stay with my own mother for a while. I've even let my doctor know he needs to tell my husband I cannot be caring for his mother and my limitations. Pretty sad but my husband is in major denial and because I've continued to care for my MIL with pain my husband thinks I'm invincible. I blame myself for taking this on a long time ago, I should have put a stop to it when she was diagnosed by that time everyone took me for granted and now there thinking, hell were not going tO be doing that ! So here I am hanging on for dear life. But I'm glad to know I've hung on because I know I am not alone anymore thanks to all of you I still have my sanity. God bless you all for being here!

BS0213..You have the perfect opportunity now to stop this and say NO. Very sad that family does not see what your situation is; however, you are the captain on your own ship and the time as come for you to dock that ship and take care of yourself.

I know it is a hard decision but I can tell you once you make the decision to save yourself there is a peace. I've just gone through it and for the first time in 2 years I am beginning to feel that I have myself back. My husband put his foot down and said enough is enough. Time for the other siblings to either step up or find suitable NH.

Situations change and we cannot be expected to keep unrealistic promises. God bless!

Yes you are absolutely right. With my situation my husband won't speak up to his sisters. But yes it will be his problem soon and a big reality check if he can't get help in time. I'm taking care of myself! Thank you!

I can understand what all of you are feeling and going though about siblings not helping. I have to older sisters and a brother younger than myself , I am 54 and not only does my spouse but my mother also has dementia not to mention I also have 5 adult kids and 14 grandkids ages 20 thru 1 year old.None of my siblings can help even thou 2 of them do not work and never have and my brother is not married or in a serious relationship!!! Mother always help and went out of her way with my siblings and even housed under one roof my 2 older siblings and their many kids and supported them all on her small wage.Guess what no one including their kids have time for Mom now, they have all stated that they are to busy. I guess I am not busy at all, when I was employed I still took mom to appt. shopping,salon ,out to eat at least weekly and my kids would take mom for me if I was sick or could not take off from work . I had to resigned from my job in mid July due to my husband and mom ( needing me as their full time caregiver). Sorry , I do not want to say negative believe me I am not negative I just want you all to know I can relate with you all.I guess some people can handle what we all are doing, maybe they are afraid of what could be their future. Blessings To All.

I can understand what all of you are feeling and going though about siblings not helping. I have to older sisters and a brother younger than myself , I am 54 and not only does my spouse but my mother also has dementia not to mention I also have 5 adult kids and 14 grandkids ages 20 thru 1 year old.None of my siblings can help even thou 2 of them do not work and never have and my brother is not married or in a serious relationship!!! Mother always help and went out of her way with my siblings and even housed under one roof my 2 older siblings and their many kids and supported them all on her small wage.Guess what no one including their kids have time for Mom now, they have all stated that they are to busy. I guess I am not busy at all, when I was employed I still took mom to appt. shopping,salon ,out to eat at least weekly and my kids would take mom for me if I was sick or could not take off from work . I had to resigned from my job in mid July due to my husband and mom ( needing me as their full time caregiver). Sorry , I do not want to say negative things believe me I am not negative I just want you all to know I can related with you all.I guess some people can not handle what we all are doing, maybe they are afraid of what could be their future. Blessings To All.

kjhinshaw---At least he CALLS. My brother AND sister live in the same little town where mom lives at the Nursing home and have NEVER...not ONCE called in 6 years. Sister has NEVER...not once visited her. Brother has a few times if I BEG him and there is FOOD involved. I take care of all of Mom's needs...financial, health, clothing, feet, nails, take her to funerals, dr. appts, outings to visit, etc. etc.
I would be happy if EITHER one of my siblings would care AT ALL. It's just so sad and yes....ticks me off as well ...for 6 years now. I'm betting they won't even show up to her funeral....UNLESS there is food involved. UGH!!!!

So many of us are dealing with selfish siblings. I try to understand why they are the way they are but come up with a big ? The only thing I can think of in my situation is my father was always controlling and didn't hesitate to tell you off. My brother experienced it more then me. He was told he had no backbone, was not a man and more insults. I was not focused on until now. My brother retired and moved to another state only 3 hrs away. He visits usually 2 times a year. I truly believe it was his way of finally getting away from my father even at his age of 70. I have become the only caregiver and I'm now the target for my father's insults and frustrations in his advanced age. Always being told it's my job. I do the best I can but lately find myself unhappy and feeling burned out. I will do what I have to do because he is my father and someone has to do it. :-(

I'm so sorry for what all of you are going through. Compared to many of you my situation is a cake walk. I really don't know how you do it. My mom is at least in an Assisted Living facility, and they take care of her needs. I just have to handle her mental status. Bless all of you!!!

As the caregiver to my Mom, with absolutely NO INPUT from either my brother or my sister (financially, emotionally, or otherwise) I DO take it personally. My mother raised them, cared for them, GAVE THEM LIFE - the least they can do is CALL HER if they can't visit more often. My brother lives 2 states away, so he has a much better excuse than my sister who only lives 2 hours away...but neither one of them call her! They call me and ask me "How's mom doing?" my reply? "Call her yourself and ask her!" or I just hand the phone to her and make them talk to her! It is extremely unfair for one sibling to handle everything, when she brought us all into this world. My mom was knocking on death's door earlier this year, and my sister had the nerve to say "so do you feel guilty for the things you've said about Mom??" I said "No - those words were spoken out of frustration and exasperation because I get NO HELP from you or our brother - do YOU feel guilty for not calling or seeing her but once this year???" UGH!!!

Bella – I so agree with you about what goes around comes around. Our parents are quite abusive to us 8 kids when growing up. Everyone practically left the house when they reached 18 yrs old. I would NOT have stayed back at age 23 to help when my mom started showing Alz. But at that time, I had “found God.” And my conscience required that I “honor my father and my mother.” I cried to a fellow believer that I didn’t want to do this. So, I do understand why my 7 siblings refuse to help. What hurts ME is that they weren’t helping the parents for ME.

Our childhood must be really bad because my 2 younger sisters and I have NO memories of our childhood (other than playing with our siblings.) Sometimes, an old song plays in the radio, and my sister & I would recall the music playing with us hiding under the dining table (had long table cloth) and the Deep Sadness and Fear we were feeling. Awful – that Deep Sadness.

Father had a stroke last year – bedridden since then. I thought maybe this time I would get help from siblings. NOPE. Bro-of-next-door with his wife and 3 Grown Children (over 20’s). Bro’s youngest son and his GF and son were to move in. Nope! His daughter (a teacher) was suppose to come in the mornings/evenings to help me to change their pampers. Nope. (But her Facebook says she’s helping me!)

This past May/June, I hit rock bottom. I had stopped asking, begging, telling family that I was Googling best way to commit a 100% painless suicide, then when I found the answer – I told family. Nothing. So, in May, when I hit rock bottom, I had decided that my life is a prison and I no longer wanted to live. But, I just came across this site 2 days before, so I posted and go help from others.

It’s what Kuli and Teacher are saying. But let me add what I was told which helped me a lot with Anger and Resentment towards my siblings.

1. Our Parents should have prepared for their old age. (My parents always told us kids that they have kids so that they can take care of them in their old age. Parents never showed us love, hugs, encouragements while growing up. The only encouragement we had was to do good in school and in life or else we would be belted with a thick leather belt with a Minimum of 5 lashings.)

2. My brother (of next door) has a Right Not to care for our parents. It is His Right and His Decision to help or not. It may seem unfair to me, but it Is His Right!

3. Just as it was My Choice to help the parents – whether I did it willingly, or due to conscience or due to religious beliefs. I Made This Choice (unwillingly!!!)

4. Once you accept that your siblings have a Right Not to help, you can move on to what You Can Do to help alleviate your stress – elder care programs, paid caregivers, etc….

When I told my sister this, she was so angry that our siblings have a Right Not to Help. She was blasting off the posters here who gave me this advice. A month later, she asked me if that advice worked for me. You see, by accepting this and moving on, I have changed. I’m no longer so Negative and so Angry and so Resentful. My sister can see the change. I Still Resent That Siblings Don’t Help!!! But, I’ve accepted it and don’t count on it. If they do help, I will accept it.

BS0213 - when I had my 1st major stomach surgery, I knew that I could not come back home to recover. Because I would end up helping my dad with my bedridden mom. So, I stayed with sis and let bro-of-next-door care for them. I made the mistake of moving back home within a month after my surgery.

When I had my 2nd major stomach surgery, I decided to stay much longer away. I spent about 2 months away. It sure made a difference between 1 and 2 months!

Sooooo.. this thread really caught my eye today. I do believe some sibs are dysfunctional, but I don't think that is why we never see them. Yes, some are very busy and yes, some are very far away. But in this day and age of e-mail and texting, there is no excuse for their absence in the life of a loved one! they don't even have to talk to us personally anymore, just drop a sentence or two and let us know you are still alive and care.
I have 6 sibs of which I am second oldest and have lived in an apartment in my parent's four family house for all but the first 2 years of married life. I have been here for all the trials and tribulations of the entire family, as it has always been family living here. Grand parents, aunts and uncles, cousins and sibs.
My dad passed away over 30 years ago at the young age of 54, with my youngest brother being only 13. I've basically been taking care of Mom and sibs for my whole life. My oldest sister moved at 19 to follow her husband in the Air Force, so I became the oldest at home. When Mom became ill, I was asked to leave my job to care for her, as she would be more comfortable with me than anyone else because I was always here. So I left my job almost 5 years ago with the promise of help from everyone. Well, you can guess how long that lasted!!! My oldest sister is in Virginia and stay for 2 weeks in the summer. I have to say she is here more with Mom in those 2 weeks, than anyone else. She and her husband are very generous with $$ when I need it also. My youngest brother is the least squeamish about helping out with Mom and also is good about $$ issues. Lately he is having problems at home, so I don't see him very much anymore. He does however, call and check in to see if we need anything. The oldest of my brothers and the youngest sister (POA) never come even though they are close by, but if I call and ask for help they come without excuses or questions. The middle brother and sister are totally useless and only show up a few times a year, even though they are close by. Both had borrowed lots of $$ from Mom and never paid it back. She used to call and check in, but told my sister that she was sick of hearing me bitch about all the stuff I do for Mom. My sister told her that's all I talk about because that is my life!!!
Anyway, after 2 years of beating myself up and cursing them, I decided to just ignore them and make believe they didn't exist. Shortly there after I convinced my husband to do the same. It took such a load off me, that I recommend it to all care givers. Let the siblings GOOOO!!!!! They are not worth the aggravation!!
We can't change them and we do what we do each for our own reasons. In the end, we will be able to live with ourselves and they will have to answer for their stupidity forever.
As a matter of fact, when Mom fell in January and broke her wrist, I never called anyone to tell them. The brother who never visits, showed up while she was still in her cast. He couldn't believe no one had called him! Why would I? He doesn't show any interest the rest of the time. Like I said, they don't call you for updates, no reason why you should have to call them.
I hope you can all make peace with yourselves over absent siblings. Move on with your life with dignity, unlike them.

I do not believe they are dysfunctional. I believe they are uncaring, self-centered, greedy, slouth like, and more.

I have a sister and brother that live not more than 5 minutes from mom's. they all live on the same property that is adjoined. I am the eldest of 4. I take care of my 74 yo mother whose major diagnosis is osteoarthritis. My brother is the baby one that had scarlet fever at 9 months old which damaged learning, speech, & hearing. He has to have supervision for financial, personal etc. mom is a hateful woman, demanding, verbally abusive (but does not cuss for that is wrong). Read about me you will see more. My brother is mostly easy sometimes. my dad passed 3 years ago so did my husband.
So, I have a problem with the siblings among other things. However, I do know that you cannot lead them to water or make them drink. I have enough problems keeping up with me. Most days I do not know if my tail went out the door before I closed it. Humor.. working on it.
Your advice is cool too. looking forward to follow up from your blogs.

Your are right about the siblings it's just so annoying because they come whenever they feel like it , not when we really need them. Tomorrow for instant we will be allowed to go out from 9:30-1 pm so we basically have to take what we can't get! And the advice about not telling the siblings was exactly what I told my husband, not to be notifying them about there mother. If they don't come around why should they know? But he has to tell them! And I am the one who is caring for THERE mother 24/7. And today my news of hip surgery was told to my other two sister in laws and from what I heard (from the good SIL lol) there not happy because they know they might have to help with there mother. This will be my time to retire from caregiving. I will not strain myself again anymore. I'm already doing to much and with major pain!so looking forward to my surgery! I will never understand my husbands family. Thank goodness I have great daughters and grandchildren and a great mother. Will keep you posted! Nite all and god bless...

BS0213, I wish you well with your surgery and your determination to stop straining your health that it results with major surgery. It's time for the family to step up and care for their mother. I hope your husband will be able to back you up! Take care!

BS0213: I hate to hear that you will have a major surgery; however, it will be a great time to break away ( and I most definitely would) from caregiving and the responsibility you feel as a wife. So, go for it. I am so fed up with my situation . I wouldnt be in this mess if my husband was still here. I pray with no doubt that your surgery goes well. With knee replacement surgery you already know that you will need physical rehab. And, if you do not take care of yourself then and after, your health will go down fast. So, blog a lot and let me know what is happening. chat soon.

BS0213: sorry i meant hip surgery. i didnt know how to correct the post.

I, too have the same experience with my family. My parents raised 6 beautiful children and only Me to care for them. My dad was an alcoholic and controlling our whole life so we all married young to get out of dodge. During that time starting families of our own. Needing our parents support financially, help with our children the normal help children need when they fly the coop. At that time not one of them said Im on y own now I left to get away from the drinking and control so let me be..... No it was "dad and mom can you help me with money, can you co-sign for me can you watch my children so I can get some time for myself". Then BAM they started doing good, making millions and then they remembered Why they shouldnt be in Mom and dads life because of their childhood. Now that they dont need them financially no more the visits stopped . Many holidays without their children not even a phone call or a card. Now that they need help on their last days no one offers any help. and I do have a brother who offered help asked what he could get for my mom and never even bothered following thru. Why ask??? Yes I Believe people reap what the sow- what goes around comes around. Even though I was left with the responsibility of caring for my parents and even though its harder then hell sometimes. I feel blessed. They are the ones losing out on my parents. My dads been gone for 10 months now and not one of their children has visited my mom. It breaks my heart for my mom But ALL I CAN SAY IS...... GOD FORGIVE THEM. As long as I am here to love my parents and even though it isnt the same as having all of us by her side I THANK GOD for my position. I will take the punches for my mom because she cannot. I have a so called Christian sister who has a blog on facebook with over 500 people praying for my mom to die. Im sorry I dont know any christian like that.But it is what it is and no matter what Everything we do here on earth God sees ALL. Sorry I just needed to vent.... Its a long time coming.... Wish siblings would see just how hard it is to stop Your life to care for parents. The rewards are little HERE on earth............................ P.S. My dad always told me "Good deeds never go unpunished" Thats SAD. BUT SOOOOOO TRUE

After my mother passes if I am still around who knows we are not promised a tomarrow -I do not know if us sibs will stay in touch -now mom is sick and will see if either brother will step up but mom has said things to pit us against each other -why I do not know- but my sister and I are close-I never complain to one of my kids about the other -it is not right I am so glad to be back home and with all my AC buddies-you folks are the greatest-and for those who live in Calif what a nice state and all the people are so nice.