in other areas of their lives also, and probably have very little, if any integrity. In addition, they probably have very low self-esteem. I believe it would bother an individual terribly who had high-esteem to know that they were not doing right by their siblings and parents, and, therefore, they would change the situation and begin helping out. Basically, what I am trying to convey is that if you have a sibling that does not offer themselves (the best thing you can give anyone), they probably have a poor attitude in other areas of their life, so please don't take their lack of caregiving personally. Speaking for myself, I am still considering whether or not to keep in touch with my sister when our parents are no longer around. I'm undecided at this point, but would be interested in anyone's input on this subject.
You have to let go of those feelings for your sibs. It is certainly not affecting them in any way and only hurting you (probably more than you realize)! I hope you have someone helping out during the week so you can enjoy some "me" time.
Our Mom is a month away from being 88.
She has no major health problems.
She has some dementia, sundowners, repeats herself often excessively, displays short term memory symptoms.
Normal and regular back pain and arthritis issues, but is mobile, and can dress and feed herself. Cooking is a bit tricky.
She has been evaluated as a fall risk, and is somewhat unsteady.
She refuses to use a walker, cane, or wheelchair (for longer distances).
Mostly sits and watches TV - sedentary – she enjoys going for rides, but doesn’t like getting out of the car.
A bit of a “sad-sack”, “woe with me”, but often laughs hardily, with her children.
Answers and dials the phone with some difficulty but can communicate OK for the most part.
She lives alone in her home of 88 years, and is surrounded by very familiar neighbors.
She refuses to wear a life alert bracelet.
She refuses to live in an upscale assisted living facility.
She refuses to sell her home and move next door to her children even in a “mother-in-law” type configuration
She gave up driving voluntarily (30) years ago…… reason being it scared her.
My sister and I both live about (15 miles/ 30 minutes) away.
She has not been mentally evaluated thoroughly – my sister feels it might upset her, and feels that dementia is not treatable anyway.
My sister takes copious medical notes ,ensures routine doctor visits, and runs the household particulars.
Mom has a medication routine which we ensure is taking twice daily ( vitamins, blood pressure, arthritis) – alone she will often forget to take her pills
My sister has progressively escalated to about (20) hours a day with my mother. She is uncomfortable leaving her alone any longer than about (4) hours.
She spends the night with her every night, except once or twice a month when I fill in.
I visit Mom a couple times weekly for about (2) hours each, and routinely come by on Sunday afternoons.
Mom now gets frantic when my sister is not around, even if I’m there with her.
I believe an irrational dependency has been established with the primary care giver.
QUESTIONS and assumptions:
What would the optimum course of action be to ensure the best quality of life for everyone involved?
I feel that my mom has become overly dependent on my sister, and no amount of one on one contact seems to be enough.
My mom complains of being lonely and being scared to be alone….. my sister and I debate, how much is legitimate dementia versus simple loneliness.
My sister claims she spends so much time with our mom because she feels better about it regardless of whether my mom actually needs the level of attention.
Admittedly Mom is more relaxed with my sister next to her.
My sister claims she is OK with the current routine.
I advocate assisted living, mom moving next door, less care until she becomes legitimately helpless.
Thank you for your feedback
We both call my mother multiple times everyday, and the house is set up with cameras so we can keep and eye on her.
Thank you for your feedback
So I'm not sure how the social worker will react to that and or when and IF we can get someone to tolerate her behavior she is 89 with vascular dementia and can no longer really talk, but boy does she have a temper. No matter how nice I try once the clothes start to come off that's it! But it's a start and soon won't be my problem only my husbands. Can't wait for my surgery! My hip pain now is almost unbearable! Just trying to hang on! Thanks all for being here nitey nite....