in other areas of their lives also, and probably have very little, if any integrity. In addition, they probably have very low self-esteem. I believe it would bother an individual terribly who had high-esteem to know that they were not doing right by their siblings and parents, and, therefore, they would change the situation and begin helping out. Basically, what I am trying to convey is that if you have a sibling that does not offer themselves (the best thing you can give anyone), they probably have a poor attitude in other areas of their life, so please don't take their lack of caregiving personally. Speaking for myself, I am still considering whether or not to keep in touch with my sister when our parents are no longer around. I'm undecided at this point, but would be interested in anyone's input on this subject.
So I'm not sure how the social worker will react to that and or when and IF we can get someone to tolerate her behavior she is 89 with vascular dementia and can no longer really talk, but boy does she have a temper. No matter how nice I try once the clothes start to come off that's it! But it's a start and soon won't be my problem only my husbands. Can't wait for my surgery! My hip pain now is almost unbearable! Just trying to hang on! Thanks all for being here nitey nite....
We both call my mother multiple times everyday, and the house is set up with cameras so we can keep and eye on her.
Thank you for your feedback
Our Mom is a month away from being 88.
She has no major health problems.
She has some dementia, sundowners, repeats herself often excessively, displays short term memory symptoms.
Normal and regular back pain and arthritis issues, but is mobile, and can dress and feed herself. Cooking is a bit tricky.
She has been evaluated as a fall risk, and is somewhat unsteady.
She refuses to use a walker, cane, or wheelchair (for longer distances).
Mostly sits and watches TV - sedentary – she enjoys going for rides, but doesn’t like getting out of the car.
A bit of a “sad-sack”, “woe with me”, but often laughs hardily, with her children.
Answers and dials the phone with some difficulty but can communicate OK for the most part.
She lives alone in her home of 88 years, and is surrounded by very familiar neighbors.
She refuses to wear a life alert bracelet.
She refuses to live in an upscale assisted living facility.
She refuses to sell her home and move next door to her children even in a “mother-in-law” type configuration
She gave up driving voluntarily (30) years ago…… reason being it scared her.
My sister and I both live about (15 miles/ 30 minutes) away.
She has not been mentally evaluated thoroughly – my sister feels it might upset her, and feels that dementia is not treatable anyway.
My sister takes copious medical notes ,ensures routine doctor visits, and runs the household particulars.
Mom has a medication routine which we ensure is taking twice daily ( vitamins, blood pressure, arthritis) – alone she will often forget to take her pills
My sister has progressively escalated to about (20) hours a day with my mother. She is uncomfortable leaving her alone any longer than about (4) hours.
She spends the night with her every night, except once or twice a month when I fill in.
I visit Mom a couple times weekly for about (2) hours each, and routinely come by on Sunday afternoons.
Mom now gets frantic when my sister is not around, even if I’m there with her.
I believe an irrational dependency has been established with the primary care giver.
QUESTIONS and assumptions:
What would the optimum course of action be to ensure the best quality of life for everyone involved?
I feel that my mom has become overly dependent on my sister, and no amount of one on one contact seems to be enough.
My mom complains of being lonely and being scared to be alone….. my sister and I debate, how much is legitimate dementia versus simple loneliness.
My sister claims she spends so much time with our mom because she feels better about it regardless of whether my mom actually needs the level of attention.
Admittedly Mom is more relaxed with my sister next to her.
My sister claims she is OK with the current routine.
I advocate assisted living, mom moving next door, less care until she becomes legitimately helpless.
Thank you for your feedback
You have to let go of those feelings for your sibs. It is certainly not affecting them in any way and only hurting you (probably more than you realize)! I hope you have someone helping out during the week so you can enjoy some "me" time.
So, I have a problem with the siblings among other things. However, I do know that you cannot lead them to water or make them drink. I have enough problems keeping up with me. Most days I do not know if my tail went out the door before I closed it. Humor.. working on it.
Your advice is cool too. looking forward to follow up from your blogs.
I have 6 sibs of which I am second oldest and have lived in an apartment in my parent's four family house for all but the first 2 years of married life. I have been here for all the trials and tribulations of the entire family, as it has always been family living here. Grand parents, aunts and uncles, cousins and sibs.
My dad passed away over 30 years ago at the young age of 54, with my youngest brother being only 13. I've basically been taking care of Mom and sibs for my whole life. My oldest sister moved at 19 to follow her husband in the Air Force, so I became the oldest at home. When Mom became ill, I was asked to leave my job to care for her, as she would be more comfortable with me than anyone else because I was always here. So I left my job almost 5 years ago with the promise of help from everyone. Well, you can guess how long that lasted!!! My oldest sister is in Virginia and stay for 2 weeks in the summer. I have to say she is here more with Mom in those 2 weeks, than anyone else. She and her husband are very generous with $$ when I need it also. My youngest brother is the least squeamish about helping out with Mom and also is good about $$ issues. Lately he is having problems at home, so I don't see him very much anymore. He does however, call and check in to see if we need anything. The oldest of my brothers and the youngest sister (POA) never come even though they are close by, but if I call and ask for help they come without excuses or questions. The middle brother and sister are totally useless and only show up a few times a year, even though they are close by. Both had borrowed lots of $$ from Mom and never paid it back. She used to call and check in, but told my sister that she was sick of hearing me bitch about all the stuff I do for Mom. My sister told her that's all I talk about because that is my life!!!
Anyway, after 2 years of beating myself up and cursing them, I decided to just ignore them and make believe they didn't exist. Shortly there after I convinced my husband to do the same. It took such a load off me, that I recommend it to all care givers. Let the siblings GOOOO!!!!! They are not worth the aggravation!!
We can't change them and we do what we do each for our own reasons. In the end, we will be able to live with ourselves and they will have to answer for their stupidity forever.
As a matter of fact, when Mom fell in January and broke her wrist, I never called anyone to tell them. The brother who never visits, showed up while she was still in her cast. He couldn't believe no one had called him! Why would I? He doesn't show any interest the rest of the time. Like I said, they don't call you for updates, no reason why you should have to call them.
I hope you can all make peace with yourselves over absent siblings. Move on with your life with dignity, unlike them.
When I had my 2nd major stomach surgery, I decided to stay much longer away. I spent about 2 months away. It sure made a difference between 1 and 2 months!
Our childhood must be really bad because my 2 younger sisters and I have NO memories of our childhood (other than playing with our siblings.) Sometimes, an old song plays in the radio, and my sister & I would recall the music playing with us hiding under the dining table (had long table cloth) and the Deep Sadness and Fear we were feeling. Awful – that Deep Sadness.
Father had a stroke last year – bedridden since then. I thought maybe this time I would get help from siblings. NOPE. Bro-of-next-door with his wife and 3 Grown Children (over 20’s). Bro’s youngest son and his GF and son were to move in. Nope! His daughter (a teacher) was suppose to come in the mornings/evenings to help me to change their pampers. Nope. (But her Facebook says she’s helping me!)
This past May/June, I hit rock bottom. I had stopped asking, begging, telling family that I was Googling best way to commit a 100% painless suicide, then when I found the answer – I told family. Nothing. So, in May, when I hit rock bottom, I had decided that my life is a prison and I no longer wanted to live. But, I just came across this site 2 days before, so I posted and go help from others.
It’s what Kuli and Teacher are saying. But let me add what I was told which helped me a lot with Anger and Resentment towards my siblings.
1. Our Parents should have prepared for their old age. (My parents always told us kids that they have kids so that they can take care of them in their old age. Parents never showed us love, hugs, encouragements while growing up. The only encouragement we had was to do good in school and in life or else we would be belted with a thick leather belt with a Minimum of 5 lashings.)
2. My brother (of next door) has a Right Not to care for our parents. It is His Right and His Decision to help or not. It may seem unfair to me, but it Is His Right!
3. Just as it was My Choice to help the parents – whether I did it willingly, or due to conscience or due to religious beliefs. I Made This Choice (unwillingly!!!)
4. Once you accept that your siblings have a Right Not to help, you can move on to what You Can Do to help alleviate your stress – elder care programs, paid caregivers, etc….
When I told my sister this, she was so angry that our siblings have a Right Not to Help. She was blasting off the posters here who gave me this advice. A month later, she asked me if that advice worked for me. You see, by accepting this and moving on, I have changed. I’m no longer so Negative and so Angry and so Resentful. My sister can see the change. I Still Resent That Siblings Don’t Help!!! But, I’ve accepted it and don’t count on it. If they do help, I will accept it.