Resentment towards siblings.

Was hoping for some support hear. How does one cope day to day and stay positive when you have so much resentment for family members. I love my parents very much and will always be there to help -just never thought it would be me alone. If they did care- they wouldn't of left me hear standing.

Your brother and sister are greedy selfish people, in that I agree. BUT now you have to move on and do what is right, and forget it. I know that sounds incredibly simplistic and ridiculous, but honestly I don't see any other option. You're not going to get in their faces and tell them off right? And even if you did, they're GREEDY SELFISH people that don't care what you think, so let it go. Just concentrate on your own family please, especially your poor husband who you've probably bent his ear for a long time as he sat helplessly by. Your folks are safe and sound now in asst. living, so take a well deserved break. You and your husband go somewhere just the two of you and celebrate the fact that you don't have to be at their beck and call anymore, because they're being taken care of.♥

I understand your pain and frustration but this is a common problem for many of us. Being angry with your sibling will just make you sick while they will never lose a nights sleep over it. There is no need to try to make others do the right thing. For whatever reason many simply are selfish and expect you to be the the one to take full responsibility for your parents. Your parents are just blessed to have you love and care for them. But, please be glad you could do it, otherwise what would happen to them. And, I know you may not agree, but try not to make your parents feel worse than the do because they only have one good adult child they can depend. I am sure it hurts them so much to see you have to have all the responsibility in helping them. But, it is not fair to point out how bad your siblings are. It will only hurt your parents and make them feel guilty and confirm there other children do not care enough to help, when they loved each of you and gave you all the could.

I am in the same situation. I am the only daughter and the oldest and I have two younger brothers who expect me to take care of our mother. And to make it worse, she is not upset with them and expects me to be there. But, I cannot help how my brothers do nothing for our mother. I love them but I do not feel it is up to me to blame them and cause animosity in our family. They will have to answer for bit being good sons but, I will do all I can to help my mother not feel bad either. I will do the best I can for her and try to protect her from feeling my brothers don't care. I am not sure why they don't do more but I think they feel I am the girl and it is my responsibility.

I am disappointed with them. They could help our 90 year old mother in so many ways. I am disabled so I am not able to physically care for her but I do make sure she has a nice place to live and is comfortable. I have always helped mother financially while they took from her. But they are financially secure now and very seldom do they give her anything. But, I do not let them make me angry. I have too much to worry about to be in a family feud with them. I just pray if she really needs them and I cannot be there for her, they will be there for her. I would love for them to just.call het and check on her and visit occasionally since I am unable to do as much as I use to. She lives alone and has no friends, so she is lonely but I cannot help help her make friends or be a friend. She is very critical of others. So, I just do the best I can and am so blessed to still have so healthy and taking care of herself. I tried talking my mother into going in a nice Assisted Living" close to me but she does not want to go. When, I no longer have my husband to take me where I need to go and to help me, I hope I can move in there. I think it would serve my needs perfectly. Maybe mother will change her mind since she will not be able to drive or live alone much. Longer. I have seen her really slow down this year.

But, I hope you will heal yourself and let go of your hurt, anger and disappointments that your siblings will not help your parents. It is their loss and I am sure God will richly bless you for you love and faithfulness. To Honor Our Parents is so important to God. It is the only one of the Ten Commandments, where He promises us a special blessing of a long life if we will take care of our parents. You are not only a wonderful daughter, you are honoring and obeying God and you can expect to live longer by taking your responsibility of looking after your parents and being there, even if none of your other sibling will help. They will miss out on the blessings and not obeying God, will not give them the peace that God will give to you. So, we mush pray for all of our family members, especially those who do not treat us right. And when something happens to your parents, they will cry the loudest and may feel very guilty in the end.

You are a lovely lady with a beautiful spirit and I know your parents are very proud of all you have done for them. But, it seems people are not willing to sacrifice for others and how sad we do not have more love and respect for our own family. God bless and may God give you the peace that passes all understanding in the middle of your broken heart.

Sunny




T

Momof2 Welcome to my world. I had no idea I would be the only one taking care of our Mother. Two siblings visit when they feel like it and think our home is a 24 hour public facility and I am the (unpaid) hired help. Got past the resentment after reading everything I could about the situation. Now I just feel sorry for them.

Basically some people are just not caregivers and some kids can't get past Mom being their Mommy and step up to do what needs to be done for their elderly Mother. If they are hateful and smart mouthed towards you it is because they feel guilty that you are doing it all. They know they should be helping but for whatever reason it just isn't going to happen. It is easier to take out their frustrations with themselves on the caregiver.

Perhaps you can get them to contribute money for daytime help once or twice a week so you can get out of the house. Good luck with that...we were told if I couldn't deal with Mom 24/7 then it was my problem not theirs. We are fortunate to be able to afford any and everything needed for Mom and for my sanity.

I know when the time comes they will be loudly crying and putting on quite the show. I have the satisfaction of knowing my husband and I gave Mom the very best of care for 2 years. No regrets or resentment here.

Good luck and God bless!

It is definitely Not Fair! momof2. Resentment is a natural reaction to something so blatantly wrong. But as the others have said, simmering resentment does not get your selfish siblings to change. It does not punish them. They don't care about it at all. It only hurts you, and you don't deserve that!

Yours is the only behavior you can control. Take satisfaction that you are doing the right thing.

Oh Wow! Thank you everyone for your help and advise. I have felt sooo alone and was just about to explode to my sister. It helps so much to hear from people that know and are living with the same situation. Bless you all!!

Momof2... i feel for you. i am my 91yr old grandmothers caregiver and do EVERYTHING by myself for her along with raising a 5yr old. my gram has 4 children and none of them help. my father trys to help me when he can. i have a ton of anger and resentment towards my family... good luck i hope your siblings change.

Well after two years - I just exploded all over facebook at my sister. I'd had enough of her "heartbreak" over being stuck an extra day on vacation because of airline schedules - heartbreak over missing a party back here. I've said nothing for a couple years now - but when I commented "you want to talk about heartbreak???" and she responded with "what heartbreak?" - the dam burst and it was ugly. However I am free of it now. I know she has no love for our father and no respect for what my mother would have wanted in that regard because she died young and loved him very much. And although we've never had a problem - she doesn't care enough to ask even how I'm doing if she couldn't ask how he's doing. I'm letting it go now, I've not let her rewrite history and sealing it up and throwing it out to sea and today I just feel lighter. I have a long way to go with my dad and didn't need to be carrying around that burden but I also didn't need to be hanging back waiting to see if she would ever step up. I know it's sad and not much of a solution to anybody but sadly sometimes our siblings dont get the same message from our upbringing that we did. Mine said she didn't have the father that I had - we're 18 mos apart so I'm not sure how that worked. But it's all on her now. Good luck everybody dealing with your frustration - dementia/alzheimer's is an ugly ugly thing.

I have the exact problem, resentment toward my elderly mother. My sisters would gladly help, but my mother has decided I am the most convenient and available daughter to take care of her needs. Her inconsideration toward me has turned me from dutiful daughter to when it is convenient for me. Selfish individuals should be careful what they desire, it comes back to haunt them.

I should say I have the exact opposite problem.

I have two brothers who are not involved in my mother's life. They call occasionally and come by once or twice a year maybe. When my father died, one brother came to the hospital. The other showed up for the funeral. One of my brothers is very religious and was the main talker at my father's funeral. Really he used it as a grandstand for his cult-like religion, pondering the question if my father was really saved. My mother enjoyed him talking, and the funeral was for her. Later I did wonder at why my brother thought he had any insight into my father. He hadn't spent any time with him in over 10 years. He is still my mother's favorite. I guess we always want the thing we can't have.

My other brother lives in another state. He has the financial POA and is executor of the will. My mother has faith in him -- he is a golden child. I know him well enough to know that he won't be there for us, so I've tried to set things up so we don't need the POA for anything important. He will probably show up for the funeral and have to leave quickly afterward, leaving an will to be executed at a later date.

Both of my brothers suffer from being too busy and important. They are really just two normal men with normal jobs. I don't resent them. I know it is how they are and know what I can expect from them.

Debralee, Why do you let your mother dictate who does what? If you and your sister want to divide up tasks, do it, and then each of you do your part. Mom doesn't like your sister helping? Then she can do without those tasks done. You cannot control your mother's attitude but you can control your own actions.

Unfortunately I don't have any tips or advice to give on handling resentment towards siblings. I have the same issue: I have two brothers who live 2 1/2 hours away by car, never bother to visit, but have no shortage of constant criticism and "I could've done it better" attitude when I take the time to contact them and update them about our dad and grandmother's conditions. Its frustrating. I just mostly tune them out now. Theres never been one word of acknowledgment from them or any other family about the huge personal sacrifice I'm making or any offer to help, financially or otherwise. More than anything, I'd just like some gratitude from them, but instead I get the other end of the stick...

jeannegibbs you are right. I have no answer to why I allow except I grew up watching my parents show so much love for my grandparents who were kind and wonderful parents even in their senior years. Always hoped I would have that kind of relationship when my parents grew older. I never get to see my father and my mother relies to much on me. At least I have the memories of loving grandparents.

When my parents pass, I will feel good about myself knowing I was there for them - and that's the most important thing that I need to focus on. I am trying to be more positive because being bitter is getting me nowhere. My sister and brother are the ones with the problem - not me.

Happy Holidays

Just found this site---------I too care for my 89 mother while my brother and sister-in-law go on vacation after vacation (they are both retired) and I am a single parent of a 12 yo trying to scrape a living together.my mother lives in an apt. attached to my house in VT, my brother lives in NC and has visited her once in 2 years and only for about 15 minutes.I finally blew up at my SIL after she didn't even send my mother a birthday card.....and expects my mother to send one to her husband-honestly my brother and SIL make me so mad!!! I want to do something about it--but what can I do?

dealra- I haven't been on this site for very long either- it does make you feel good to vent and have others really understand what you are going through. Being bitter sure can take up a lot of your time. I am trying to focus on what I am doing- not what my syblings are NOT doing. I know it's hard.

writing letters and cards is just a thoughtful expression
however allowing the lack of reciprocation is questionable
keepsakes like cards,letters,photos are true treasures

give a hug and mom of 2- encouragement like this forum is new to me as well

Yup, I have the same problem too. I started going to Church, praying, and praying, and praying, about a year's worth. Slowly but surely the Lord has blessed me with his Peace and Grace. I no longer worry about them not helping me or their Mom. The Lord has blessed me, and I have Peace. This Peace didn't happen overnight, I really went through some very angry, and very very painful episodes. Spend any and all free moments reading on-line Bible Studies, listen to the Christian Music, Christian TV, surround yourself with everything and anything that teaches Jesus's way. Trust in the Lord. Just a year ago, I never spoke like this. God is Good, Our Lord Jesus truely is the Prince of Peace. God Bless you, and hang in there, it was not a easy road to here, and I'm sure I will have to endure yet more tangled, messed up, roads ahead, but I know that God LOVES ME and HE LOVES YOU TOO! Hang in there.

I have an uninvolved brother. My payback: Today I heard my Daddy say he loves me. My brother did not. It does not happen often, and I KNOW he loves me, but today I heard it from his own lips. Heaven.

loridtabbykat,
THANK YOU for sharing- your words are encouraging and so very true.

I don't think I will ever understand the selfishness! We were all raised in the same home, in the same manner and with the same rules. My mom is a saint who gave and gave of her heart and could never fight back if she were wronged by her son and daughter. I am the youngest and chose a different path in the sense of I went to college. My sister, who was always jealous of me, would use it to sabatoge me in any way she could. I was accepted to law school. My first time away from home. During my first semester, my dad had a massive heart attack and passed away. She immediately took it upon herself to call me back home saying she needed help. She proceeded to dump all on me and never looked back. To this day, 20+ years later, she continues to do the same. Mom now has cancer again (sister refused to do anything when she was diagnosed 10 years ago) and I'm telling lies to family and friends when I state that both her son and daughter have abandoned her. I spoke to my aunt and uncle, who are retired, and they offered to help me so that I can work. Mom put her house on the market and she and I moved to her home near my aunt and uncle. Well, you would think this was something mom never had any intentions on doing! Mom's house is in a warmer climate and she has been coming down for the last 20 years for the Winter months. It was suggested that she should do this for many years by her attorney for financial reasons. I have left my job, friends, etc. to come here with her with the hopes that I could have some semblance of a life with help from my aunt and uncle. I feel horrible for mom because her eyes have been opened to the fact that her son and daughter don't care about her, don't believe how ill she is and simply do not care. It's awful. How do I keep her spirits up?

Losinghope, you spend as much time as you can with your mom. Good times.. I know it's winter there, but things can be done inside the home. Remember when you were little, and you loved it when your mom brushed her hair? You can both do that - to one another. It's a very relaxing and much intimate gesture of love between a mother and her child. You can have a mini- pajama party and set up hot chocolates and fancy it up with cool whip or marshmallows. You can both go to an indoor bazaar and promise to only spend $5 or $10 on something small, and wrap it up and give as gifts - with a story attached to it. Remember when you were young and loved to hear stories? My favorite that we did as children was telling each other made up stories about US as the main character. You can try to get whatever trinket is bought, and make up a story. Rearrange Hansel and Gretel to YOUR version, or Cinderalla to YOUR version. Maybe once a month, have a mother/daughter special dinner out. It doesn't have to be a fancy restaurant. I guess people would think going to the movies but...you're both sitting down watching ..I'd rather spend quality time like sitting on cafe and people-watching. Make up stories about their lives. Sooo many things. Just ask yourself, what YOU would love - and apply it to your mom. I'm glad to see you again, Losinghope. I'm sorry that your mom realizes this about your siblings. Especially knowing that she might die from this and they're not there for her.

I'm sorry you're all dealing with your uncooperative siblings. I learned on this site when I found it in May/June 2012 that our siblings have a Right Not to Help with our parents. Once I accepted this (not very easy to do - since I had like 23 years of unbelieving this), I was able to decide what other ways can I find help. I have help now from most of my siblings. But this took years and years of working on their conscience. I hope you all are faster learners than I am!

Hi Book, thank you for your suggestions. Truth is we already do little things together and I do cherish this time. Although yes, it is winter, we have moved to Florida where she is able to go outdoors and feel the breeze on her face. So much better than being cooped up indoors and feeling the dampness. Not good for her pain. Unfortunately, as to brushing hair, she began to lose her hair. So sad. I recall when it happened 10 years ago with her first treatments. We are going to the cancer store on Monday to shop for hair scarves, etc. I've spoken to mom about appealing to my bro's heart (I believe he does care deep down -- my sis is a lost cause). Curious to see how this will turn out. He was always the Prince of the family that she catered to hand and foot. He has never had to do anything for himself. My dad handed him a business upon his death. He never, ever had to sacrifice for anyone!

I'm just at a point where I need to get my life in order. I'm still looking for work. I have an interview tomorrow -- wish me luck! I want to get out and meet people. I do believe that all of these things will happen and I need to make them happen. Right now it's about her and seeing the pain on her face that she is feeling. It breaks my heart.

Stories about family relationships wont end the sadness that comes with grief

Something about grief brings out what is happening in a family

Sometimes grief feels like forever

So true but, I do not believe they will grieve. I don't believe they know just how sick she really is! I need to stop thinking of what they are not doing and focus on her and getting her better. Once I see that we are on the right track (we only just started these treatments for her one month ago) then, we can get into a routine. I have to believe this year will be a better year! Please, God, Oh Please!

I try to focus on the Love of my Mom every time I start to think about my brother and sister and how selfish they are. I also realize that my brother and sister are not active in church or the teachings of Jesus Christ. The evil one is ever present and constant supplication and belief in Our Father is the only way to overcome!

I've signed up for daily bible verses on a couple websites and they help too!

Let the peace that Christ gives control your thinking, because you were all called together in one body to have peace. Always be thankful. Colossians 3:15

Thank you, loridtabbykat. I was never a very religious person. Mom is so, when she feels up to it, we have gone to church. I must say, it does cause me to be more at peace. It just breaks my heart to see her in so much pain.