I just can't understand how siblings can just totally wash their hand of their parent. I have total care of my 89 year old mother with dementia. My husband and I still work full time and I'm 61. We take Mom to an adult day care while we work during the day. When we need a break we have to set up respite care somewhere. We do not get offers for help to doctors appointments or help with researching any assistance that might be out there from the family. Both my brother and sister live only about 1 hour away and are retired, but I'm told by both of them they are too busy with their families to help. Hey I have 3 sons and one grandson, but my time is precious with them because I'm care for Mom. I was told by both of them to just put Mom in a Nursing home - but you just don't put someone in Nursing home. She has no money, except what her Social Security brings in. My husband and I am exhausted, but I care about my Mom too much to just shove her off somewhere. My sister told me to drop her off at an Emergency room and say she's a danger to herself, then they would place her somewhere. I just don't get it. Any suggestions..................tired and confused.
Is it possible to call a family meeting where you and your husband can speak to your sibs directly...doing it over the phone gives them too much "wiggle room." Keep emotions and accusations out of it. Share specific things with them that they can do to help out...perhaps coming over one week out of the year to give you guys a break. Or taking Mom into their home for a weekend. Get creative. Invite them to spend one day visiting a nursing home and ask if they think that is an appropriate placement for you Mom. Remind them that when they say that they are too busy with "their famiies," that Mom IS their family.
My sib, too, would do the same thing if Mom were in his care (of course, AFTER he cleaned out her bank account). So I have no support from sibs. My husband and I are the primary caregivers.
One thing that has helped a lot is hiring an in-home caregiver for a few hours a week. It does not sound like much, but it gives me a mental break for a few hours. I plan on increasing the paid caregivers as time goes on. I figure spending money on these services is a drop in the bucket compared to the $8000./mo. a nursing home would charge and it is one-on-one care in a safe environment.
Is it possible to hire help?...if your sibs don't want to pitch in, would they send you money for you to hire more help?
You will find, from reading the posts here, that usually one child steps up to care for a parent and the rest step way back. I cannot fathom how you can look away or delude yourself into thinking that elderly parents can somehow take care of themselves. It is shameful.
Good luck and I hope others chime in with good suggestions...Lilli
Out of six kids, i'm it. I quit my job and moved in with my mother who has COPD very badly. I have a sister that lives 8 blocks away and doesnt visit. None of the siblings even visit much less offer to help.
Where I come from -- the Brazilian Amazon -- supporting poor family members is considered a moral duty. That moral duty, however, has receded as society evolved, family life changed, and the government created a variety of federal and state programs to meet the needs of the poor.
If your Mother had a hefty bank account, I bet your sibling's sense of "morality" would increase to the point of fighting you as caregiver; or at least visit on a regular basis. For now, there's nothing to be gained from it. I have no doubt they care about her, but not enough to travel 1 hour once a week.
I'd try to convince myself I'm an only child like Pirate Queen, and let your siblings deal with their conscience when the time comes.
Good luck my friend.
-- ED