First the caregivers: five sisters ranging in age from 41 - 64. All currently have different things going on in their lives with work, their own families, divorce, etc. Mom lives about 30-40 minutes from most of us, exception of one sister who is 2 hours.
Mom has fallen about 6 times in the past 3 years. She's been in and out of rehab and currently lives at home. She needs a walker and someone next to her to get around, help in/out of bed, getting dressed, help on/off chairs and toilet. She can eat on her own. She has aide coverage Sun - Fri but dislikes anyone in her house so is usually not pleasant with any and finds any fault with them. The sisters split the weekends but now only 4 do because one is going through divorce and issues with custody. Two of us, with younger children ages 7- 17, feel Mom needs more care than we can provide and should be in a nursing home. Mom is supposedly deathly afraid of nursing homes despite not being in one for about 60 years when her own mom went in. Another sister agrees that weekend coverage is tough and would consider Assisted Living (but she needs more care than what they offer). The other two sisters are adamant about her staying in her home even though some rooms border hoarder status and weekend coverage is difficult and everyone always needs to switch around. It's tearing the sisters apart. I feel that my mom should at least consider letting us check these places out and have her look at the ones we like. She is very stubborn though. Her opposition to even consider other out of home options is coming at a cost to her daughter's relationships, some of whom are not speaking to each other already. When something does happen to her, I doubt any of us will be on speaking terms.
I think I might try to get an assessment, if your mom will cooperate, just so you really know what type of place she needs. From what you describe, Assisted Living may work for her, but it needs to be evaluated and a doctor or professional would make that call.
Is it practical to go visit a place for lunch with your mom so she can see that these places are now often like a spa or nice resort and not a cold hospital environment.
Who has Durable Power of Attorney and Health Care POA? I would likely share my concerns with that person and let them make the calls. Is mom still competent? If she is, then it's still her call as to where she lives, but if she's placing herself in danger, then it may be past the point where it's safe for her.
What if all sisters stated what they could no longer do and then those that could help out, have to either put the time in or find professional care to come into the home to provide care when they are not available. That will likely cause them to look into the costs of those services or look into long term care facilities.
I'd make up my mind in the beginning to not fight with them. I might explain to them that if the adult children don't ensure that she's getting proper care, the county will.
kidding ..
i feel like at 58 yrs old im beginning to understand family dynamics . its like non vehicular road rage . im pissed at my oldest son and him with me . he learned not to back down from the most belligerant sob who ever lived . if i were to write him and tell him to suck balls , hes too dense to get it . my younger son would be sitting by the phone waiting for that text .
no sense of humor , the older one . takes himself too seriously ..
It's time to have all the care be the caregivers, if you Mom can afford it, if she stays in her own home. For my Dad [after Mom passed] it was costing him $20k a month for 24-hour caregivers. He's now in senior living paying $8k a month [rent plus part-time caregivers]. Boy, he is so glad he moved and to be away from the worries of that single family home and to be around people closer to his age.
Yes, some elders refuse to go into a nursing home [I prefer to call them continuing care] because of very old stereotypes of what was once the norm for nursing homes over 50 years ago. My Mom's continuing care facility was really nice. She did have a room-mate and I was glad, as my Mom would forget she could no longer stand and walk... the room-mate would buzz the nurse anytime my Mom was trying to climb out of bed.
Getting her live-in care would probably be affordable if divided among all of you, after mom's contribution (whatever she can afford).
You need to have an honest and non judgmental conversation - face to face, no children, no husbands, just the 5 sisters. Establish each person's position and what they are willing / unwilling to contribute.....no judgement. Within those boundaries you will need to find a compromise solution. Best of luck