I feel like a robber or a teenager trying not to get caught coming in after curfew.. I just want a little time to myself. It's early morning and I'm trying to be so quiet that my Mom doesn't hear me. I see her light on but I just can't face another repeat day..
Us caregivers have all kind of tricks up our sleeves! LOL
I 'ran away' for two weeks - with hubby's permission - and I do believe that saved my life - literally. Things are better for hubby and I now. Of course, the changes we made did not make my MIL happy - but, then, I doubt anything can really make her happy at this point in her life.
I felt that I never was 'alone' - she would pop in at any moment and our encounters were not always pleasant. She is a sweetie to everyone but me - she will go on and on about her wonderful sons who never come to see her - but has plenty of negative comments for hubs and I. It doesn't really make sense.
But our doctor said it was all about her lack of anger/rage management. I represent her losses and I am and always will be the 'bad guy.'
Back to finding alone time: When I came home, I didn't speak to her directly for 3 months. I still did all the things for her that I did before - but hubs interacted with his mother - delivering meals, meds, groceries, etc. I blocked the doors entering into our home (she has her own small apt.) and 'papered' the windows in my French doors with lovely fabric to match my dining room valances. I finally felt that I had my home to myself again.
Gradually, I started speaking to her again (I will just say that she said and did some very hurtful things to me and it took a very long time to forgive her). But, I keep my interactions with her to a minimum. I am happy with this arrangement - she is not.
She gets regular visitors, phone calls, letters from friends. (she won't call anyone - she expects everyone to call her). But, they do call from time to time. So, it isn't as though she never sees anyone or talks to anyone - even though this is what she tells everyone who comes by or calls. She insinuates that we NEVER spend any time with her. I pop in once or twice a day. Hubs peeks in 3-4 times a week. We have her eat with us a few times a month. The doctor said she needs to be a 'next door neighbor' - not the center of our world.
Of course, she is the center of her world and expects to be the center of ours and because she is not, we are horrible, neglectful people.
I am just trying to understand why she feels SO LONELY when she gets more phone calls, visits and letters in a month than I get in a year? Doc says she does not have dementia. Her other sons don't worry about her professed loneliness. They live out of state and visit once every year or so. Call her once a month. And for that - they are
Anyway, for their little bit of attention - they are just the BEST kids in the world. We make sure her needs are met, clean, cook, shop, arrange doctor visits, etc. and we aren't worthy of a mention. I leave her a delicious breakfast on her counter each day and keep fresh flowers in her vase. I am as kind to her as I can be under the circumstances. I cannot go back to 'how it used to be' when I was her constant companion. That is what she wants and I am afraid that part of the cargiving 'bridge' is burnt. I will never again spend 'alone time' with her. I will stop in and visit for a minute or two - that's all I will do.
Some of you may feel this is awful. But, I had to find a way to care for this person without dying. This is the best I can do. Of course, it isn't good enough - she tells people who call that 'things aren't a bit good here' - and they are VERY GOOD.
She just is not willing to realize that WE need a life too. That caring for her just cannot be all the life we have. Sorry to ramble on so. It's been a while since I posted.
As her house is directly across mum can see me going in SO i have to go into another neighbours house and NO JOKE climb over a tree to sneak in the back!
Also i went from not washing much myself to being unbelievably "clean" yes i have a bath to "HIDE" from mum.
This is quite annoying! my friends mum used to follow her son to the toilet!
Oh hugs us carers can be as sneaky as them just to survive god help us!
Anyway, she usually retires to her room for the night, with the exception of getting up to use the washroom a couple times a night, around 9:30 - 10:00 pm. Hubby and I 'go to bed' at the same time. In reality, we just turn out all the lights, close the door to our room, and usually disappear downstairs, where she never ever goes, and enjoy some peace and privacy in the basement. We catch up on TV, talk about life, catch up on social media - just take an hour or two off down there before really going to bed for the night.
In the morning she is normally up for the day around 8 or 9 am, but a) she usually takes about 30-45 minutes giving herself a sponge bath and such, and b) she will often get up to pee a couple hours before that as well. The sound of her using the washroom (conveniently located at the foot of my bedroom) around 6:30-7:00 am is my alarm clock, and I get another 2-ish hours to gather my wits, try and get some cleaning done, and relax before another long day of being her personal waiter/chauffeur/maid/entertainer begins.
So, yeah, definitely know how you feel there.
Now I am quiet, using slow, stealth moves to lock up and move around before she gets up and after she goes to bed. :)