Let's talk about the spiritual aspect of caregiving.
A number of comments lately have mentioned or alluded to the hope of gaining something spiritually from the experience of caregiving. That idea always resonates with me, and I'd like to explore it a little more.
I've been a caregiver in a number of different situations - for a lover, two close friends, two siblings, and a parent. I have found deep satisfaction in all of those situations, EXCEPT for the most part in caring for my mother.
I think for many people, illness and dependency strips away artifice, and allow a person to allow himself/herself to be unusually vulnerable. For the caregiver, it allows you to connect very deeply with the person, to tend to their needs, shield their vulnerabilities, and soothe their pain and their fear. Being chosen by someone when they're most vulnerable and in need feels like a great honor, and being with them in their time of need feels like an amazing privilege. I cherish the memories I have, of a dear friend allowing me to shower her when she was disabled after surgery on her shoulder, of my sister calling me with the flu and saying right out "I need help. Will you help me?" I remember washing another friend's hair in her hospital bed when she was laid up from surgery. These are not interactions that we normally don't experience in everyday life, and they're very special.
Then there's my mother. I find it impossible to get much satisfaction out of helping her, and I think it's because of her overwhelming sense of entitlement and her need to control everything. I don't think she lets herself be vulnerable except as a manipulation, when she can't get away with outright demanding something. I think she can't stand to think of herself as needy (or think of anyone else as having any autonomy or choice), so she presents her needs as demands and expectation, and it's impossible to feel good about meeting them.
I keep thinking back to something the author M. Scott Peck said, about how love is the willingness to extend oneself for one's own or another person's spiritual growth. He also said that a loving person must be careful not to waste their love on those who are capable of benefitting spiritually. That's the situation I feel I'm in with my mother - wasting my love on someone who is incapable of benefitting spiritually. I can satisfy her material needs, but that doesn't satisfy me in any way. I want that deep closeness, that connection, and I think it's like electricity. Unless there's a complete circuit, it won't flow at all. That's my love for my mother, stopped at the source.
Sorry for the rambling. Maybe enough to spur others of you to share your thoughts?
There is something about using your own agency to bring a little good into the world, that is lost when your services are expected and demanded. It is my mother's denial of my agency, rather than her lack of appreciation, that makes it so difficult to do for her, and so unpleasant. It's her "I need to stop at the liquor store." rather than "Would you mind stopping at the liquor store?" that makes helping her a totally different (and noxious) experience for me.
I was spared the task of having to care for either of my parents. My mother once said to me "your will be sorry when I am gone" Well I was not and almost 40 yrs later I am still not.
Spirituality religious or not is still a mystery. To me I was able to connect to some people who were dying but not others. It was like the electricity that someone mentioned.
I hate to say this but some of the ministers who visited at or before the death did not seem to be very spiritual. Several seemed just to be there to make the sure the memorial donations were all directed towards their ministries even though the patient may have other wishes.
Since I was become less able to care for myself I have been astonished and very grateful for the care of strangers. Those that open doors, offer to carry groceries or reach items on high shelves. I have always been very independent and try to tackle things for myself so it is hard to accept this help but always make the effort to smile and say 'thank you" There really are lots of good people in this world.
Spirtiuality comes from within as does love, neither can be faked. It is still possible to respect the elders and take good care but it is important to respect our true feelings.
God had listened to my pleas in every way. I begged that she passes on in her sleep without pain or struggle. She did. I didn't want to be there. I wasn't. I was with two best friends in Maine. As soon as my sister called I let out a wail of sorrow, shock, and pain, but I also felt God's presence in the two friends who stood there, outside giving me long tender hugs. One was going to leave from our visit and I was praying he'd stay a day longer. His car had a problem and he had to get it fixed and had to stay a day longer. It just happens it happens just so God's handwriting was all over it embellished with his smile and the peace Mom and I felt inside.
Now it's just about a week later. I am rapidly returning to my happy self. I did the best I could. Mom was the best she could be. And the service the Indep Living place gave was amazing. I orchestrated it with the two weeping managers who adored my mother. I bought a bright variety of flowers and colors and we put little stages of things about my Mom. Over 50 residents and other locals came and all were weeping and storytelling, hugging and sharing how my mother made them laugh, touched their hearts, inspired them, amazed them with her feisty, funny, annoying, aggressively friendly, no boundaries manners! It was a most healing time! Only two local cousins of mine, on my father's side of the family, attended. My brother didn't think it was worth coming to! My sister is in Fl.
My Dad is tottering in a home in CT with Dementia.
I have survived the caregiving roller coaster ride after all, with my love for my mother intact underneath all the turmoil that churned up in me. God lifted us both up.
I am aware that my comments: monster, mean, difficult and not loving are negative; but my siblings would verify that. I love my Mom inspite of those things. She was the youngest of 9 children, I'm the oldest of 5...
There is a spirtiual aspect in life, period. At some point in my life i began to feel that my mother was possessed by a demon. It was because I could not phanthom a mother doing the things she was doing to me over and over. These things and feelings bought me closer to God. And being closer to God makes me able and is my refuge when she does the same old ugly thing in different ways now.
The spiritual part is also accepting that i can't change that ugliness, that its been there and aint going nowhere so why fool myself. I just get frustrated when I get stupid enough to think there is an inkling of reasoning when there never has been any in past.
The spiritual part also keeps me loving the sometimes monster that is my mother. Lets me stand my self for putting up with it for a lifetime, otherwise I would be crazy as a "bedbug".
It also gives me hope that my life will get better and gives me strength to keep trying to do this job well and when its all done that I can rest in peace.
Strangely enough, she has also had better reasoning and memory. This has been going on for a few weeks, so I don't know what to think. This time last year I thought her time left on earth was getting short. Now I wonder if she'll live a lot longer.
I saw my Mom as a monster, she put me thru the ringer, you can check my post; BUT I am thinking that like a child who misbehaves or acts out, that was my Mom's way of getting help or attention. She didn't know what was wrong with her (before test & UTI)....
It's just tough, very few moments that feel spiritual.
My advice don"t take it personal, it's not about you it's about her.
I wish I knew that up front. Good luck
Let me put this another way. My mother's way of being disabled and dependent is morally repugnant to me. Placing myself in the service of something that is morally repugnant to me is itself morally repugnant. If she knew me better, she would understand that, but she is capable of blotting out everything she knows about me when it doesn't serve her purpose to understand it. That in itself is something I find morally repugnant. So trying to find a "spiritual lesson" in having to tend to her every need - no, no thank you. Seriously, no.
Maybe this is an opportunity for your spiritual growth.
From what you say, you are a wonderful caregiver for the kind of person who acts vulnerable and lets you know that they need you. That makes you feel good about yourself. However, now you are faced with a different type of person. So perhaps now, it is time for you to learn how to be a caregiver when there is nothing in it for you. It's obviously nice when we feel that there is some reciprocation of benefit, but how many of us are capable of giving when there is not? Can you learn to give without expecting anything in return? When will your sense of satisfaction come from within yourself despite or instead of from caring for another person? Are you capable of feeling good about yourself despite whatever she says? The toughest spiritual lesson is to learn is that it's not about you.
You don't mention what your mom is suffering from, but if it is dementia, it is not at all uncommon for the person to be demanding, difficult, angry, irrational, and on and on. You need to recognize that that is part of the disease that this person is afflicted with and that there is nothing that they can do about it. Even if your mom does not have dementia of some sort, it is quite likely that her emotional response is part of a disease process, and may be one that she has been afflicted with for a long time. If she has some other type of chronic illness, she is quite likely scared, angry, confused, and trying to exert her control over what shred of controllable things she has left. It will help if you can see that as her coping strategy not her just trying to make your life miserable.
Not everyone is going to be able to be vulnerable when they are faced with chronic illness and their own mortality. Your spiritual challenge is to figure out how you can find your own sense of reward in helping them anyway.
I had to take my mother to church last Sunday, because her friend didn't know when she'd be going (went to a party the night before). My mother has all sorts of "rules" about going to church -- she holds on to the pews to move down the aisle (with her footed cane in her right hand). But then she didn't do what she said and was frantically almost calling out, "Where's your ARM? I need to hold onto your ARM!" I was annoyed. Someone told me, "Be glad you still have your mother. I don't." (And I felt like telling HER, "Be glad you still have your CHILDREN. I lost one of MINE.) Someone else told me that it was so good that my mother had me to "take care of her." I do NOT and WILL NOT "take care of her." I'm just her driver and medical secretary, as she tells people. She told the cardiologist's office that's all I do, and that her sons are her "personal assistants." Ha! She doesn't call THEM to plunge her toilet and fix this or that! I have told her she needs the rollator at church, but she refuses. Other "rules" include where she can and cannot walk -- large open spaces make her "panic" and any change of gradation or texture makes her creep along very slowly. (She has no sight in one eye, and her depth perception is horrible.) I HATE it when she's hanging on my arm.
I'd be a lot more understanding if we hadn't had the big argument last May, when she told me what she thought of me. I'm sure she will probably never reach the point when she's considered incompetent. So if that is the case that she can make her own legal decisions, then that's also the case that she can take some responsibility for what she says to people.
AND -seeing how my parents refused to plan for their retirement and decline and the stories on this site, my husband and I are determined that WE will plan, save money, downsize vs insist our son help us stay in a too-big, unmanageable house, hire help when needed and not delude ourselves that by having our son do everything we are "independent".
I am a very negative Nelly having dealt with the selfishness and nastiness of my elders and that goes for my parents and my inlaws. And what is see of my friends also in the sandwich generation. My grandparents on all sides of my family and my husband's family took the opportunity to voluntarily downsize, move to assisted livings etc. Why is my parents' generation so blasted self centered?
And no, I don't get any lovey dovey spiritual blessings from dealing with them. I just get more to confess.
If my mother ends up being hospitalized for something, there's going to be the difficult decision of what happens next (if she can't live by herself any longer). She is NOT moving in with me, even temporarily. And I am NOT moving in with her. I will not be available to provide any post-op or post-rehab care, either. Been there, done that, and I was unappreciated and called a liar. ("You did NOT stay with me for 8 days!")
She has refused to look at any assisted living places, just for the future. So she will have no choice if it comes to that. It will be a crisis decision. And if she ends up in assisted living/skilled nursing, I intend to visit once a week. I will not be running there every day to manage this or that.
It's really not so bad...yet. She no longer drives, and I set a firm boundary of taking her on one shopping trip per week. Since she hurt her knee and is becoming less mobile, she isn't going out as much as she would want to. And a friend takes her to Mass most Sundays...hurray!
But as she becomes increasingly forgetful and hard-of-hearing and not understanding things, it will become more difficult. I don't want to spend a lot of time around her. I don't want to hear her say, "Wait until YOU are like this." I'll have my own journey into old age, and I don't want to go through HER journey, too.
Ever since our big argument last May, I've tried to keep my distance. I don't call her up anymore. She made it pretty clear what she thinks of me.
I think my three brothers should be learning the lessons from caregiving our mother, NOT ME. I've told them that if it gets too much for me, that I'm walking away. None of them have dealt with the utter shock and world-tilting of losing a child. One or more (of THEM) should be dealing with the stress of our mother. NOT ME.
My mother still lives by herself (in a one-story condo). I'm her driver. She is still in charge of all of her finances, medical issues, etc. I looked at some ADL (Activities of Daily Living) questionnaires online yesterday, and realize that she is quite functional. Her reasoning and memory lapses aren't affecting her independent living abilities, at least yet.
In thinking about my past, I was subject to her extremely controlling ways and some borderline physical abuse. I distanced myself from her starting in my teens.
She's made it quite clear that she prefers my brothers, yet of course they are states away. Recently I learned that when my sister-in-law was pregnant, my mother told her that she (sil) must not want to have a girl. She must have said that because I've been such a disappointment to her.
Well, she's been a disappointment to me, too.
We are human with all that entailes..there are spits & spats in every family. Please don't look over to who you are taking care of and say something negative when...the last breath is drawn.
But my father forces me to confront the ugliness in myself- I'm terrified that I am like him, and I hope every day that he will die soon.
Sirach 3:12-15
[12] O son, help your father in his old age,
and do not grieve him as long as he lives;
[13] even if he is lacking in understanding, show forbearance;
in all your strength do not despise him.
[14] For kindness to a father will not be forgotten,
and against your sins it will be credited to you;
[15] in the day of your affliction it will be remembered
in your favor;
as frost in fair weather, your sins will melt away.
I read this over and over. God knows I did the right thing taking care of my father. My father died this October and I would do it over again.
"Care". Please don't miss the forest for the trees....we might be the next to be cared for