My crazy life continues taking care of my mother. A grown man reduced to a prisoner, controlled by the life I was born into. Is it odd....absolutely! Is is strange.....totally! Is it crazy.....yes it is! If by chance I get to get away by myself for an hour.....it is such a relief. It rejuvenates me for a short while. I know my life is not a 'healthy' life, but like the song says.....'i'm caught in a trap, i can't get out'! Yes, I want to care for my mother, but why does it have to be this crazy? If all sons and daughters did what I did......there would be many unwed and unemployed people around. Just picture people saying, "I can't go to college and get married because my father died when I was 15 and I have to care for my mother the rest of her life". It's crazy! Picture staying in the house almost the entire day. We might take a ride out the road for an hour or so and then come home. I have to be a constant guardian to my mother and trust me.....it gets old real fast. As I've said in a previous post, I never cared about marriage, but does that mean I had to have this lifestyle. What about my life? Is it fair to me? My life is on hold and I'm getting older. Where do caregivers draw the line? Do we sacrifice our lives so that another could have a life? That is what I'm doing. Is it crazy.....yes it is....very much so. Sometimes I ask myself......why me! My sister who live out of the area offer no help. No one knows but me what I go through.
I came across your posting at a random (yet most appropriate) time -- should you care to read on...
I too, am living the same -- except I am a grown woman dealing with a mother who WILL NEVER get 'IT' or ME. I HAD a life (with all its many ups & downs) and while most understand and accept we cannot choose our parents, she refuses to allow me the room -- the right -- the respect -- to HAVE my OWN life again. Yes, over the years she has provided a realm of helpfulness which I gratefully accepted, never giving thought to motive(s) only to realize she was using, and continues to use 'the past' (which is now a ever-present 'presence') in manipulating every aspect and area of my existence. Oh, how I could go on and on about hostilities I forced to refrain from for the sake of peace -- even making genuine attempts in accepting her (as my daughter precisely dubbed) "a very complex woman"...
Coupled with the aforementioned is my dad's recent Alzheimer's diagnosis, of which she is in complete denial. I have seen it coming on for months. Having always been close to my dad (obviously the polar opposite of my mother) I did make the choice to temporarily move in with them to finish schooling, begin continuing my work in nursing and care of the elderly -- never contemplating I'd find myself waking every day within walls filled with such profound anxiety, fueled by the control and sanctimonious manners and judgments of a mother, in ways I must love -- yet have never -- and will never -- live a life which I now see slipping away from reach more and more every day.
My heart reaches out to you, understanding & feeling your pain...wishing I had words of wisdom that I too ... search for. Others in such situations, I can only presume have a strength within them I do not possess in finding ways to work it out, knowing up/down -- right/left -- any way seen or approached ... will never be enough -- or frankly -- even matter.
It helps to journal; funny...one can only wonder why I chose (for the first and only time) to do so in a venue with a public forum.
Health and happiness, however you find it -- I wish for you and all others who seek it.
~RR~
No, what's really UNFAIR is the fact that HUNDREDS of people here would make good use of the kind of money you say you have, would use that asset to buy the best care in the world for their parent if they had that choice, and would free themselves and their families in a New York skinny second and be laughing with glee while they did it....but they can't do that, because they don't have those options. THAT, to me, is UNFAIR. YOU do have that option, but you do NOTHING but piss and moan about things you COULD change. Boo freaking hoo, dude. Spare me.
Ask yourself what she would do if you were in an accident tomorrow, and could no longer care for her? I bet she would start doing things she refuses to do now, like hiring an aide to come and help her!
You feel that you are in her debt. How could you pay that debt back, even in fantasy? Would $1,000,000 be enough? How long must you care for her to pay her back? "Final Payments" by Mary Gordon involves a young woman who frees herself from a similar obligation to an unloved and unloving older woman.
You need some help in figuring out how to create a better life for yourself. That could mean helping her to find the help she needs, and walking away, or walking away but continuing to watch out for her. It could mean changing your attitude so that caring for her doesn't cost you so much. Detachment is not easy to learn, but it could help change caregiving from miserable guilty torture to a difficult but doable job. Setting boundaries is another skill to learn to allow you to choose how involved you want to be. This would not please Mom, but she must know at her age that you can't always get what you want!
How can you make changes like this? Look for some wise women at the local senior center, and at your local Area Agency on Aging. If there is any free or low-cost counselling, make use of it. A social worker might be more practical in helping you decide what you want to do and what you can do.
I wish you could click your ruby slippers together and escape. That's not possible. You do have some options you can't see right now to make a real difference in your life. Maybe your life can only be 10% better, That could be the margin between sanity and insanity!!!! Give us more details, by asking your own question, and we will advise you and support you into a better situation.
Are there any options for you to get some respite? Is Dad on Medicaid? I think they will pay for some care so you can get a real vacation. Does Dad have assets? Does he pay you to care for him? Could he go into an assisted living facility for a week or two? He might decide he really likes it. Many people find, much to their surprise, that their elder actually does better in a facility, with more stimulation and opportunities to socialize. Even some of those who claim they would hate it!
Money is a barrier for most of us. Tell us how you manage to keep a smile on your face, and what parts of the "job" are hardest. Lazy siblings, maybe?
Best wishes to you.
So she helped you. And? Did you hold a double barrel against her head and FORCE her to give you that help? No? Then as far as I'm concerned, you may owe her some money back but you damn sure don't owe her your LIFE, your SANITY, your FREEDOM, your HAPPINESS, your WELL BEING, or your precious PEACE. See how easy that is? Get your act together and get the hell out of dodge. You can go and see your DAD as often as you like, help HIM as much as you like. If your mom starts, tell her to piss off and tell it to the walls. People can only rule you with guilt if you ALLOW it.
My dad is a fall risk - because he thinks he can walk, and can't. He has to be restrained in a special chair with tray, or bed with high rails, and the nursing home won't take him under those circumstances, so he goes to the hospice unit for five days for respite. No money for AL. I WISH! :) He has cancer and dementia. He has absolutely no assets but his monthly check. The property taxes on the house we live in haven't been paid going on three years, and we risk losing it. My mom owned the house, and she died without a will. So it's in probate. I get no help or cooperation from any of my many siblings...they don't want to get involved. So yes, I'm stressed and worn out. But what's the alternative? You have to find humor and love. Thank god I have a few friends who are also taking care of their parents. And if I didn't have them to talk and vent, cry, laugh with about it, I don't know what I'd do. So, I'm very grateful for them, and I know my dad if very grateful for what I'm doing for him - when he's in a clear mind. I told him...of course I'll be here dad, You're my DAD! :)
What you said about getting away from a toxic parent is good. No one should have to undergo the abuse you and others do. A caregiver has as much right to enjoy his or her life as the elder does.
Your words "See how easy that is? Get your act together and get the hell out of dodge......People can only rule you with guilt if you ALLOW it." sound simplistic. If it was truly that easy, why are you in your present position? Getting one's act together is a lifelong job for most of us. I know you are expressing yourself with passion, but to a sensitive little wimp like me, it can sound like blaming the victim.
I will say again, I want you on my side in any fight I'm ever in. You are so fierce when seeking justice or protecting a loved one. Hugs.
When I first moved in with my mom at her request I thought I would be dealing with age related decline, no biggie. My mom didn't drop the Alz bomb until 2-3 years after I got there. I was completely alone family wise, I didn't have anyone to turn to for help, had no clue what Alz would really mean even though I had read up on it. Had I not dealt with my mother, she would have hounded my oldest son to take care of her, and I just couldn't let that happen. I only found this site recently. Had I found it within the first few years, had I the knowledge that I have now through this site, I would have kept my job, abandoned my mom to the state years ago and run like hell and never looked back. Lack of knowledge is really why I'm here now. I didn't realize that abandoning someone to the state was actually possible until I read about it here, didn't even know there was such a thing. Back in the day, before I discovered AC, I thought if I bailed it would all fall on Sean, and I couldn't do that to him, couldn't put that on him. I didn't realize that I could free us both. Nobody I talked to back in the day about the situation knew squat about Alz or dementia. I was 36-37 when I started caring for my mom and none of my friends that were my age had any knowledge of it at all. Most of my buddies had parents in their 50's, my mom was already 77. Nobody could tell me anything. I walked into this pretty much blind. Once I found out that I could abandon my mom to the state, that's exactly what I did. Again, had I the knowledge back in the first 5 years, when I still worked, I would have gotten the state involved then and saved myself, and my family, a whole lot of bullshit.
The comment, "Get your act together..." was more toward telling the user that she doesn't have to endure abuse and endless misery out of some misguided sense of obligation. Nobody 'owes' their parents their entire lives. I'm very, very passionate about that. Now that I know that abandoning a parent to the state is an option, I'm a huge advocate for it. Maybe if the government wakes up one morning and finds thousands of elderly being dumped into THEIR laps, maybe they'll wake the hell up and actually give their care takers some thought...and much needed help so we aren't all on the street when the journey is over.
It was NOT easy for you to abandon your mother. I read about what you went through, and you were suffering. You are (nearly) free now, and your experience will be valuable to many in the future. God bless you.
My guess is Roscoe's arm is under a boulder too even though he does have a million dollars in his pocket. Nobody stays in a situation where they suffer that much without a very powerful incentive to stay or punishment if they leave involved.
Bermuda, I understand what you're saying. But with my own situation it was a matter of risking a stroke and continuing on with the care giver role and keeping my mom in her house where she wanted to be, or abandoning her. I had been having mild chest pains for months, with my left arm going numb and tingling. It wasn't just that either...I would have these weird almost black outs, where my vision started to go black and I felt like I was going to pass out....my whole body felt tingly and kind of numb and I felt really weak and shaky after those episodes. I have no idea what that was about, I never mentioned that to the doctor, but it was so scary combined with the numbness and tingling in my arm... I was scared to death I was on my way out.
Since getting my mom into a NH my stress level is greatly reduced. I haven't had any chest pain, no numbness, none of my vision going black and almost passing out... As much as I'm dealing with now, facing a winter without heat, it's not nearly as bad as dealing with my mother and her alz on a daily basis. I can handle not having heat...I'll bundle up in layers and payday I'll get a propane space heater. No problem. But deal with my mom and her alz again, and all THAT entailed? Forget it. I'd rather face a cold winter than do that. And honestly, I wouldn't have cared if the entire planet would have hated my guts. There comes a time when you've got to look out for yourself. I knew what I'd be facing if I abandoned my mom... I knew there would be hardship, and there is. But no hardship I'm facing even comes close to the non stop extremely high stress, anxiety, dread and misery that I felt the last year I cared for my mom. I dealt with her for 10+ years. There's nothing I can't handle now. Even the thought of facing possible death by hypothermia is preferable to dealing with ALZ. At least it'll be quiet and peaceful, which is more than I had with my mom. I have no regrets at all. And my mom is well taken care of and safe, clean and fed. What more can anyone ask of another?
Well, at least I did something to change my own situation. To some it may sound like I jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire, but I beg to differ. I am thrilled to be OUT of the care giving role at last. Thank God! Nobody should have to deal with an elderly alz/dementia patient alone. It's just too much for one person to handle.
People who never were married or had children do not really understand the tethering care that goes on for free, that people do when they have children and I understand, only too well because my friend my 86 year old's son, never married or had children feels the same, as you, even though I do most of the caregiving.
He was used to having his freedom, although he lived in his mothers 2 flat building (and not for free or exchange for anything) he did all the handyman things, he really did carry his weight, but there is this thing that he has four other siblings that do zip,
and it really isn't fair. We have often said tat if we had the weekend to go away, there are four siblings, who are aged 63-68 who could do something but do nothing and all live with 50 miles...
and I think people here are missing, that you are doing "the right thing" and you have money. Does this mean that everybody here is doing it because they have no money? Medicare pays for a nursing home.
And what if the elderly parent moves into the child's home and then the child realizes that the elderly parent is going to need 24/7 care, and they lose their incomes that way...and their homes to boot when they can't work anymore to make the payments thanks to the elderly parent?
A lot of people around here are in serious financial dire straits thanks to their elderly parent(s) and the 24/7 care they need, be those elderly parents in their own homes or their kids home. Taking care of them isn't cheap. It's highly expensive. When my mom was at home our electric bill was around $400-500 a month. In the summer she needed it much cooler than I did, and in the winter, much warmer. When she went into the NH the bill dropped by half. That's just one example.
If someone has the means to free themselves from a situation that brings them nothing but misery at the hands of an abuser, can pay for the best care possible, but doesn't.... Well, for those of us that only WISH we had those options, it's a tad difficult to feel much sympathy.
And to me it's not that people are doing it because they have no money...it's that they had money, took on the care giver role and now find themselves in financial hardship and/or ruin because of it.
I am alone too, that is why am going to court to try and get paid.
That is why we were financially ruined,
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE A 'SITE FOR CAREGIVERS, BUT IT SEEMS NO ONE IS LISTENING!!!
that is why I am fighting this in court...
I am concerned about the elderly, but I am concerned about my future...too!
We all agree taking care of the elderly around the clock is stressful. I can't even begin to describe what that kind of constant, non stop stress was doing to me, mentally and physically. My mom these last 3-4 years couldn't be left alone at all and her behavior was so hard to deal with that I lived in absolute dread of going to sleep at night even though I was worn out and exhausted. Why? Because that meant morning...and dealing with my mom again...would come all the sooner.
My mom started to become extremely agitated these last few years. Her mind was really going, and she seemed constantly restless. I found myself spending entire days and weeks, from dawn to dusk and beyond, trying to keep her soothed and calm. I tried tv, I tried music, I tried taking her outside, moving her from one part of the house to the other, you name it, and nothing could calm her for long. She needed almost constant attention every waking moment. She had no attention span for tv or anything else for that matter, couldn't read/comprehend books anymore, nothing. I finally found a half way decent solution and would give her various small items and put them on a table in front of her. She could spend a good couple hours rearranging those things over and over and over and it seemed that the repetition of it calmed her...but not for overly long. She'd lose interest in that, too, eventually.... Having to endlessly try and keep an alz patient distracted and calm and trying to figure out something, anything that she could do almost drove me mad. The energy that took out of me was ungodly. If I didn't do it, she screamed the house down and wouldn't stop. She literally shrieked from morning to night off and on. After the last few years of that, I feel like my nerves have been flayed raw.
It wasn't just the enormous amount of energy taking care of her around the clock took. It was that constant state of high alert that I was always on. I couldn't come off it. I remember once I went to pee, and by the time I got back into the room with my mom she had fallen out of the chair and fell on her glasses and got a gash on her eye, and she was screaming the house down... It started to feel so overwhelming, having to constantly, constantly be on top of her, never being able to walk away for even a few minutes without her losing her damn mind and getting completely uncontrollable and doing something stupid like trying to stand and walk, which she couldn't do anymore... I was twitching with nerves. I would hear a sound in the middle of the night and I was half way across the room and out into the hall before I realized I was even awake.
In my own situation, my mental state was so bad that I literally couldn't have continued to look after her if I wanted to. The kind of relentless need for constant attention that my mom had was grinding me to dust. I was so unhappy and miserable I felt like I was going to lose my mind if I couldn't get out of the care giver role.
And that's the ticket. If someone, anyone, feels like that, it's time, past time, to abandon the elderly to the state if that's what it takes to keep your grip on sanity. I literally felt I was a hair away from losing my mind. Everything in me was screaming 'danger'....danger to my mentality, danger to my health, danger to my well being, danger to my sanity most of all and for me at that point I had to listen. I had to do whatever was necessary to get my mom placed where she needed to be, in a facility with more than ONE person dealing with her needs around the clock. Paid pro's get to go home and can get the rest and break they need. I couldn't get a rest no matter how desperate I was for one. When a person literally expects to look down and see their skin cracking trying to hold back the pressure and feeling a stress so intense for so long that death seems preferable than having to endure it another second, then you know beyond any doubt that it's time to do what you have to do, at any cost. When your stress is so high that you don't care anymore, can't think anymore about anything else but making it STOP, when someone reaches that level of desperation, then they'll know it's time to do something and disengage from the care giver role.
No, it's not easy to abandon a parent to the state...although I've hardly 'abandoned' my mom. I can visit whenever I like and she's not far away. For me, it was the right, and only, thing to do. Sometimes it comes down to saving yourself.