I'm still here.....in a prison without bars!

Caregivers are understood by other caregivers there is no doubt,
and misunderstood by the others, money constraints mean we carry a tougher load,
our 86 year old sold her house via court actions now has a small nest age that the court refuses to pay us, her caregivers but will pay everyone else.

Who would think something like caregiving
would separate the mice from the me,
meaning, you have to find your family
wherever you feel comfortable and where the heart is, so is home.

They (bank court order) pay for daycare twice a week (for 12 hours total at 200.00)100.00 each day, they won't skip the day care and pay me the 200.00, because she cannot qualify for medicaid, if your people qualify for medicaid, they also qualify for cash and counseling a program that pays people to be caregivers including their own family members.

SA the caregivers here usually ask questions about their charges rather than help for themselves. When we are privileged with an insight into the caregivers personal life from what I have seen the answers are helpful and compassionate.
I agree that the majority of caregivers except professionals don't initially enter into the roll voluntarily or at least if they do they don't and can not anticipate the difficulties and sacrifices it will entail. Who thinks their sweet loving parent who has always had your best interests at heart will turn into a vicious hateful person.
The parent who would never leave their room without being properly dressed comes out of the bathroom hair awry wiping their poopy hands on their pants five minutes before you have to leave for the Drs. you can't even use the bathroom to do your makeup you have to chase the parent who is already heading out the door to the car and he's left the door open and the dog is half way up the road. With tears of frustration running down you face you head to the phone to cancel the appointment. Dad will sit in the car for an hour before you can tempt him out and get cleaned up. SA people do get it they are all in the same situation their addresses are just different butt heir bank balances take the same hits. The rich make different choices much earlier. they can afford "companions" for elderly parents and later nurses. A separate cottage in the grounds or an apartment nearby. Expensive city Drs will make a home visit if you pay them enough. Do you think Queen Elizabeth's mother sat in a Drs office or the Queen goes in for her annual physical. Prince William was the first heir to the throne to be born in a public hospital. How about the President his Dr travels with him. No doubt the President's MIL gets treated in the White House.
Roscoe admits to having the money that can enable him to make different choices. He has more choice than the majority of caregivers. Caregivers are valued and admired. When their journey ends their lives will be forever changed even if they escape the depression and PTSD. Yes I mean PTSD that's why so many hospice nurses burnout. I did not realize it till I had actually retired that I wanted no further contact with hospice and still will not even drive past the office. For months I jumped every time the phone rang.
May be caregivers are only appreciated by other caregivers?

As for the adult daycare, contact your loved ones medicaid to see if they cover it in your area. Where we live, my grandpa's medicaid covers up to 5 days of his adult daycare and his breakfast, lunch, and snacks. We are blessed it covers it because all the other daycares I've contacted won't accept medicaid, only private pay, because they won't profit as much.

To all caregivers reading this post. Please if you haven't already, consider taking your loved ones to adult daycare so they can be watched while you work and/or get respite for yourself. I take my grandpa to adult daycare and its been a lifesaver for me so I can continue caring for him. I got the idea of adult daycare from this site! I can't thank you enough for that suggestion because before that I did not know what adult daycare was for.
I get hardly any emotional support from the rest of my grandpa's relatives. They don't even ask me how I'm doing or ask if they can help me. My parents and my aunt they gossip about me and they don't have any idea what its like. My mom and my aunt are my grandpa's daughter shame on them for gossiping about his granddaughter (me) for feeding him, giving his meds, making sure he brush his teeth and using mouthwash, driving him to and from adult daycare, give him activities, make sure he bathes, cooks and prepares his meals, shame on them for gossiping about me that is why I'm estranged from them. Only my grandpa, me and my son I consider is my family as well as my grandpa's nurse she comes once a week to bathe him and ask me and my son how we're doing and she spends time with us like a grandma bless her heart she reminds me of my grandma who passed away last year so loving and kind that's why my grandpa loves this nurse very much and always looks forward to her visit. Sometimes the kind of help we need doesn't always come from your relatives it comes from other people that you can consider your "real" family.

I have to agree with the part about caregivers not being given consideration. My MIL could probably stand to go to the NH and I know she'd be much better off. She went to rehab twice and I could see the difference. She was thriving there. I guess she did so well they felt like she could go home and so they sent her home. Had she not signed her property over to my dh, she probably could go to the NH tomorrow and Medicaid would pay for it. But there's a catch. Medicaid would more than likely come after the property after she was gone and we live on the property. So where would that leave us? More than likely out on the streets, still paying on our mobile home, with no means to move it somewhere else and nowhere to move it to. Not sure if the "caretaker child" exemption would apply to us since we don't live WITH her, just on the same property. Now we don't have to worry about Medicaid taking the property, but there's that pesky transfer penalty to worry about if she went to a NH, so where would that leave her? She'd be penalized for roughly about 6 months I think.

I'm looking after her the best I can but I don't know what we'll do when she absolutely cannot live by herself anymore. Living here with us is not an option. We don't have room for someone to move in with us and I've got my kids to consider. They're 3 and 7, hardly able to look after themselves. I can't sacrifice their well-being for my MIL and she doesn't want me to. She doesn't want to live anywhere else but in her own home. She wants someone to move in with her to take care of her.

Bermuda, I understand what you're saying. I guess it just comes down to just how much people are willing to take and what they're priorities are. In my case, it literally came down to my mom or myself....I had given her over a decade. I went into care giving when I was still pretty young, about 36 or 37. I'm 48 now. I thought, my God, is this ever going to end? Am I ever going to be able to do something, anything, besides take care of my mom for all eternity? After that much time, it did feel like an eternity already.

We all agree taking care of the elderly around the clock is stressful. I can't even begin to describe what that kind of constant, non stop stress was doing to me, mentally and physically. My mom these last 3-4 years couldn't be left alone at all and her behavior was so hard to deal with that I lived in absolute dread of going to sleep at night even though I was worn out and exhausted. Why? Because that meant morning...and dealing with my mom again...would come all the sooner.

My mom started to become extremely agitated these last few years. Her mind was really going, and she seemed constantly restless. I found myself spending entire days and weeks, from dawn to dusk and beyond, trying to keep her soothed and calm. I tried tv, I tried music, I tried taking her outside, moving her from one part of the house to the other, you name it, and nothing could calm her for long. She needed almost constant attention every waking moment. She had no attention span for tv or anything else for that matter, couldn't read/comprehend books anymore, nothing. I finally found a half way decent solution and would give her various small items and put them on a table in front of her. She could spend a good couple hours rearranging those things over and over and over and it seemed that the repetition of it calmed her...but not for overly long. She'd lose interest in that, too, eventually.... Having to endlessly try and keep an alz patient distracted and calm and trying to figure out something, anything that she could do almost drove me mad. The energy that took out of me was ungodly. If I didn't do it, she screamed the house down and wouldn't stop. She literally shrieked from morning to night off and on. After the last few years of that, I feel like my nerves have been flayed raw.

It wasn't just the enormous amount of energy taking care of her around the clock took. It was that constant state of high alert that I was always on. I couldn't come off it. I remember once I went to pee, and by the time I got back into the room with my mom she had fallen out of the chair and fell on her glasses and got a gash on her eye, and she was screaming the house down... It started to feel so overwhelming, having to constantly, constantly be on top of her, never being able to walk away for even a few minutes without her losing her damn mind and getting completely uncontrollable and doing something stupid like trying to stand and walk, which she couldn't do anymore... I was twitching with nerves. I would hear a sound in the middle of the night and I was half way across the room and out into the hall before I realized I was even awake.

In my own situation, my mental state was so bad that I literally couldn't have continued to look after her if I wanted to. The kind of relentless need for constant attention that my mom had was grinding me to dust. I was so unhappy and miserable I felt like I was going to lose my mind if I couldn't get out of the care giver role.

And that's the ticket. If someone, anyone, feels like that, it's time, past time, to abandon the elderly to the state if that's what it takes to keep your grip on sanity. I literally felt I was a hair away from losing my mind. Everything in me was screaming 'danger'....danger to my mentality, danger to my health, danger to my well being, danger to my sanity most of all and for me at that point I had to listen. I had to do whatever was necessary to get my mom placed where she needed to be, in a facility with more than ONE person dealing with her needs around the clock. Paid pro's get to go home and can get the rest and break they need. I couldn't get a rest no matter how desperate I was for one. When a person literally expects to look down and see their skin cracking trying to hold back the pressure and feeling a stress so intense for so long that death seems preferable than having to endure it another second, then you know beyond any doubt that it's time to do what you have to do, at any cost. When your stress is so high that you don't care anymore, can't think anymore about anything else but making it STOP, when someone reaches that level of desperation, then they'll know it's time to do something and disengage from the care giver role.

No, it's not easy to abandon a parent to the state...although I've hardly 'abandoned' my mom. I can visit whenever I like and she's not far away. For me, it was the right, and only, thing to do. Sometimes it comes down to saving yourself.

Look I was only remarking to the man who said he was in prison,
I am alone too, that is why am going to court to try and get paid.

That is why we were financially ruined,
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE A 'SITE FOR CAREGIVERS, BUT IT SEEMS NO ONE IS LISTENING!!!
that is why I am fighting this in court...

I am concerned about the elderly, but I am concerned about my future...too!

Standingalone, just wanted to clarify what I meant by my trapped under a boulder post is just that leaving one's parent to the state can be an "extreme" action for some. And yes, totally justified action and the right action sometimes like in your case. I just wanted to encourage some gentleness in proposing very hard solutions to people. Like you wouldn't go up to that boulder guy and say, hey just cut your arm off and you'll be fine, why are you complaining about being trapped anyway?

Just remember to everyone who are caregivers. You are like soldiers in the battlefield everyday. Trying to battle against the people who are in your bloodline, battle with fighting fatigue, battle trying to save, improve the quality of life for your loved ones. Wear your uniform! And maybe those frown lines on your face from how much you have/had to endure are like BADGES of HONOR wear those wrinkles proudly!

Actually, I think there's plenty of info on elder care out there, Roscoe..I mean, we're here on this site all about the elderly....but there's hardly squat about the care givers. it's like we're all invisible. Everyone is so concerned about the elderly and getting them what they need and making sure that they're alright...but nobody seems too concerned about what it costs the care givers that do all the work and assume the burden. Nope, the elderly come first it seems, and the hell with the fallout to their caregivers. Nobody wants to talk about that little minor detail. It is crazy!

Well said......StandingAlone! Not enough emphasis is put on elder care in this country. It's terrible with what goes on......there are millions of individual horror stories that take place each day. It's life changing, it can destroy families, it can put people in financial ruin......I could go on and on. All I can say is that it's crazy!

Sure, Medicaid pays for the NH....when all of the elderly parents assets are gone. What about people that moved in with their elderly parents to care for them? What about people that moved in with their elderly parents because the parent refused to sell those assets and take care of themselves, thereby forcing their kids to look after them out of a moral obligation? What about those same kids that lose their careers/good jobs because there was no choice but to step up and care for their parent(s) themselves and had no help? Then, what about those same kids a decade or two into it that face the street when the elderly parent finally does have to go into a NH and medicaid snatches up the parents house/assets out from under them to pay for the NH? They don't give a tinkers damn what happens to the care giver.

And what if the elderly parent moves into the child's home and then the child realizes that the elderly parent is going to need 24/7 care, and they lose their incomes that way...and their homes to boot when they can't work anymore to make the payments thanks to the elderly parent?

A lot of people around here are in serious financial dire straits thanks to their elderly parent(s) and the 24/7 care they need, be those elderly parents in their own homes or their kids home. Taking care of them isn't cheap. It's highly expensive. When my mom was at home our electric bill was around $400-500 a month. In the summer she needed it much cooler than I did, and in the winter, much warmer. When she went into the NH the bill dropped by half. That's just one example.

If someone has the means to free themselves from a situation that brings them nothing but misery at the hands of an abuser, can pay for the best care possible, but doesn't.... Well, for those of us that only WISH we had those options, it's a tad difficult to feel much sympathy.

And to me it's not that people are doing it because they have no money...it's that they had money, took on the care giver role and now find themselves in financial hardship and/or ruin because of it.

i meant social security and/ or medicaid pays for a nursing home.

Money never solves the problem or is the solution for the obligation of taking care of your elderly, yourself, but you sure could afford creature comforts if you are a millionaire.
People who never were married or had children do not really understand the tethering care that goes on for free, that people do when they have children and I understand, only too well because my friend my 86 year old's son, never married or had children feels the same, as you, even though I do most of the caregiving.

He was used to having his freedom, although he lived in his mothers 2 flat building (and not for free or exchange for anything) he did all the handyman things, he really did carry his weight, but there is this thing that he has four other siblings that do zip,
and it really isn't fair. We have often said tat if we had the weekend to go away, there are four siblings, who are aged 63-68 who could do something but do nothing and all live with 50 miles...

and I think people here are missing, that you are doing "the right thing" and you have money. Does this mean that everybody here is doing it because they have no money? Medicare pays for a nursing home.

I'd say the vast majority of people on this site are in the 'living hell' category. Nobody around here is on easy street that I can see.

Well, at least I did something to change my own situation. To some it may sound like I jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire, but I beg to differ. I am thrilled to be OUT of the care giving role at last. Thank God! Nobody should have to deal with an elderly alz/dementia patient alone. It's just too much for one person to handle.

It all boils down to who is lucky and who isn't. Some of our parents will remain healthy and live independently most of their lives, while others will require care in their remaining years. Some sons and daughters will lead nice lives.......and then there will be ones like me that go through living hell. There is a neighbor lady the same age as my mother.......totally opposite health wise. She lives herself and manages just fine. Her some visits maybe twice a week and everything is fine. My mother had to be burdened with various health problems. My mother was healthy and everything was good......until old age 'attacked her'. So, like I said, some of us will be put through 'a living hell' with caregiving.

J, I meant I'm a dumbass for ever entering into the care giver role in the first place. I had no idea though what the reality would actually be. If I had found this site much sooner and started reading, it would have scared the crap out of me and I would have said NO, no matter what my mom promised to get me into her house. I would have told her to sell her stuff and go to AL. Period. I did feel badly abandoning her to the state, but not for long. I knew they'd get her where I couldn't without a POA....in a facility where she belonged. Eventually, dealing with a full blown, late stage ALZ patient becomes too much to handle. I just couldn't do it another minute. I felt desperate beyond belief to be free of it.

Bermuda, I understand what you're saying. But with my own situation it was a matter of risking a stroke and continuing on with the care giver role and keeping my mom in her house where she wanted to be, or abandoning her. I had been having mild chest pains for months, with my left arm going numb and tingling. It wasn't just that either...I would have these weird almost black outs, where my vision started to go black and I felt like I was going to pass out....my whole body felt tingly and kind of numb and I felt really weak and shaky after those episodes. I have no idea what that was about, I never mentioned that to the doctor, but it was so scary combined with the numbness and tingling in my arm... I was scared to death I was on my way out.

Since getting my mom into a NH my stress level is greatly reduced. I haven't had any chest pain, no numbness, none of my vision going black and almost passing out... As much as I'm dealing with now, facing a winter without heat, it's not nearly as bad as dealing with my mother and her alz on a daily basis. I can handle not having heat...I'll bundle up in layers and payday I'll get a propane space heater. No problem. But deal with my mom and her alz again, and all THAT entailed? Forget it. I'd rather face a cold winter than do that. And honestly, I wouldn't have cared if the entire planet would have hated my guts. There comes a time when you've got to look out for yourself. I knew what I'd be facing if I abandoned my mom... I knew there would be hardship, and there is. But no hardship I'm facing even comes close to the non stop extremely high stress, anxiety, dread and misery that I felt the last year I cared for my mom. I dealt with her for 10+ years. There's nothing I can't handle now. Even the thought of facing possible death by hypothermia is preferable to dealing with ALZ. At least it'll be quiet and peaceful, which is more than I had with my mom. I have no regrets at all. And my mom is well taken care of and safe, clean and fed. What more can anyone ask of another?

To me the issue is like that guy who had his arm trapped under a boulder and had to cut it off to free himself. Sure the solution was simple, but painful, horrible, and permanently life altering. I'm in a position where abandoning my mother to the state may very well be on the table in the forseeable future - if I do our relationship is over, she will live out the rest of her life hating me, literally hating me and very likely so will my other last living relative. So taking that action is something I shrink from. In the long run it would be better for me given the downward spiral my life is in but I don't know that I can bear to do it.

My guess is Roscoe's arm is under a boulder too even though he does have a million dollars in his pocket. Nobody stays in a situation where they suffer that much without a very powerful incentive to stay or punishment if they leave involved.

StandingAlone, my point is that you are NOT a dumbass! Uneducated about elder care and dementia, yes. But that's how life works. It's easy to get into caregiving, because it starts out small, and we think, "I can do this, no big deal." People make promises, and we believe them.

It was NOT easy for you to abandon your mother. I read about what you went through, and you were suffering. You are (nearly) free now, and your experience will be valuable to many in the future. God bless you.

J, I'm in my present position because I'm a dumbass.

When I first moved in with my mom at her request I thought I would be dealing with age related decline, no biggie. My mom didn't drop the Alz bomb until 2-3 years after I got there. I was completely alone family wise, I didn't have anyone to turn to for help, had no clue what Alz would really mean even though I had read up on it. Had I not dealt with my mother, she would have hounded my oldest son to take care of her, and I just couldn't let that happen. I only found this site recently. Had I found it within the first few years, had I the knowledge that I have now through this site, I would have kept my job, abandoned my mom to the state years ago and run like hell and never looked back. Lack of knowledge is really why I'm here now. I didn't realize that abandoning someone to the state was actually possible until I read about it here, didn't even know there was such a thing. Back in the day, before I discovered AC, I thought if I bailed it would all fall on Sean, and I couldn't do that to him, couldn't put that on him. I didn't realize that I could free us both. Nobody I talked to back in the day about the situation knew squat about Alz or dementia. I was 36-37 when I started caring for my mom and none of my friends that were my age had any knowledge of it at all. Most of my buddies had parents in their 50's, my mom was already 77. Nobody could tell me anything. I walked into this pretty much blind. Once I found out that I could abandon my mom to the state, that's exactly what I did. Again, had I the knowledge back in the first 5 years, when I still worked, I would have gotten the state involved then and saved myself, and my family, a whole lot of bullshit.

The comment, "Get your act together..." was more toward telling the user that she doesn't have to endure abuse and endless misery out of some misguided sense of obligation. Nobody 'owes' their parents their entire lives. I'm very, very passionate about that. Now that I know that abandoning a parent to the state is an option, I'm a huge advocate for it. Maybe if the government wakes up one morning and finds thousands of elderly being dumped into THEIR laps, maybe they'll wake the hell up and actually give their care takers some thought...and much needed help so we aren't all on the street when the journey is over.

StandingAlone, I've got a comment to make on your post.

What you said about getting away from a toxic parent is good. No one should have to undergo the abuse you and others do. A caregiver has as much right to enjoy his or her life as the elder does.

Your words "See how easy that is? Get your act together and get the hell out of dodge......People can only rule you with guilt if you ALLOW it." sound simplistic. If it was truly that easy, why are you in your present position? Getting one's act together is a lifelong job for most of us. I know you are expressing yourself with passion, but to a sensitive little wimp like me, it can sound like blaming the victim.

I will say again, I want you on my side in any fight I'm ever in. You are so fierce when seeking justice or protecting a loved one. Hugs.

Jinx, thank you for your kind words. I get a 5 day respite every 90 days. It takes 3 of those days to shift gears and relax and stop worrying that no one will visit my dad while he's in the unit, and knowing he's asking to go home! He has medicare only. The only income is his 1200 a month SS. I lost my job in 2009 due to my painful condition of spinal stenosis, and RArthritis, and herniated discs. I've been denied SSD - guess I waited too long to apply - my medical records aren't current because I cannot afford to go to dr.
My dad is a fall risk - because he thinks he can walk, and can't. He has to be restrained in a special chair with tray, or bed with high rails, and the nursing home won't take him under those circumstances, so he goes to the hospice unit for five days for respite. No money for AL. I WISH! :) He has cancer and dementia. He has absolutely no assets but his monthly check. The property taxes on the house we live in haven't been paid going on three years, and we risk losing it. My mom owned the house, and she died without a will. So it's in probate. I get no help or cooperation from any of my many siblings...they don't want to get involved. So yes, I'm stressed and worn out. But what's the alternative? You have to find humor and love. Thank god I have a few friends who are also taking care of their parents. And if I didn't have them to talk and vent, cry, laugh with about it, I don't know what I'd do. So, I'm very grateful for them, and I know my dad if very grateful for what I'm doing for him - when he's in a clear mind. I told him...of course I'll be here dad, You're my DAD! :)

I find these comments very interesting. I took care of my Dad for about 6 Mon. before he died in my arms in 2010. I stayed on to help, care for and console my narcissistic Mom, who kicked me out, after moving in a '#&$' brother who had been in jail for 14yrs. needless to say that didn't go well for her. To make a long ugly story short, I have been back here since the beginning of 2013.My mom,who has COPD, has always expected me to do everything without complant and does nothing to help herself, to the point of becoming bedridden by choice. She is now in her last days and I have the help of Hospice.

I understand, some days i want to run away from it all and be the not responsible person..but i try to remember all that she did for me. I lose my patience more than i should and i'm working on that, do you have a senior daycare in your area? my Mom has been going a couple days a week for awhile now she enjoys it and it gives me a much needed break. Check with the Council on Aging in your area maybe they can help.

" Yes, over the years she has provided a realm of helpfulness which I gratefully accepted, never giving thought to motive(s) only to realize she was using, and continues to use 'the past' (which is now a ever-present 'presence') in manipulating every aspect and area of my existence."

So she helped you. And? Did you hold a double barrel against her head and FORCE her to give you that help? No? Then as far as I'm concerned, you may owe her some money back but you damn sure don't owe her your LIFE, your SANITY, your FREEDOM, your HAPPINESS, your WELL BEING, or your precious PEACE. See how easy that is? Get your act together and get the hell out of dodge. You can go and see your DAD as often as you like, help HIM as much as you like. If your mom starts, tell her to piss off and tell it to the walls. People can only rule you with guilt if you ALLOW it.

Solegiver, you sound wise. Tired and frustrated, but somehow accepting your situation.

Are there any options for you to get some respite? Is Dad on Medicaid? I think they will pay for some care so you can get a real vacation. Does Dad have assets? Does he pay you to care for him? Could he go into an assisted living facility for a week or two? He might decide he really likes it. Many people find, much to their surprise, that their elder actually does better in a facility, with more stimulation and opportunities to socialize. Even some of those who claim they would hate it!

Money is a barrier for most of us. Tell us how you manage to keep a smile on your face, and what parts of the "job" are hardest. Lazy siblings, maybe?

Best wishes to you.

Reneerays, I understand that your mother is using guilt to control you. That's not an easy thing to resist. Roscoe has plenty of money, but refuses to hire any help. Can you see any way to get out from under your mother? Is she poor? Could she afford some in-home care?

Ask yourself what she would do if you were in an accident tomorrow, and could no longer care for her? I bet she would start doing things she refuses to do now, like hiring an aide to come and help her!

You feel that you are in her debt. How could you pay that debt back, even in fantasy? Would $1,000,000 be enough? How long must you care for her to pay her back? "Final Payments" by Mary Gordon involves a young woman who frees herself from a similar obligation to an unloved and unloving older woman.

You need some help in figuring out how to create a better life for yourself. That could mean helping her to find the help she needs, and walking away, or walking away but continuing to watch out for her. It could mean changing your attitude so that caring for her doesn't cost you so much. Detachment is not easy to learn, but it could help change caregiving from miserable guilty torture to a difficult but doable job. Setting boundaries is another skill to learn to allow you to choose how involved you want to be. This would not please Mom, but she must know at her age that you can't always get what you want!

How can you make changes like this? Look for some wise women at the local senior center, and at your local Area Agency on Aging. If there is any free or low-cost counselling, make use of it. A social worker might be more practical in helping you decide what you want to do and what you can do.

I wish you could click your ruby slippers together and escape. That's not possible. You do have some options you can't see right now to make a real difference in your life. Maybe your life can only be 10% better, That could be the margin between sanity and insanity!!!! Give us more details, by asking your own question, and we will advise you and support you into a better situation.

Roscoe, aren't you the self made millionaire? That was my understanding from your previous post. If that's so, you have a whole lot of choices and you're just not making them. That's a hell of a lot more than most of us can say, that's a lot more than most of us have so my understanding and sympathy for you is a flat zero. If I had an eighth of the money you claim to have, bet your sweet ass I would have made other arrangements long before now, and would have run like hell and never looked back. The only person chaining you to your misery is YOU. You had the brains to make all that dough, but you don't have the brains to figure that one out. More fool you. If you're making a choice to stay when you have the means...millions of them according to you... to leave, that's on YOU. What some of us wouldn't give, me included, to have YOUR options, you poor, poor thing. You keep asking 'What about MY life', as you sit on your fat bank account, not doing a damn thing to help yourself or change your circumstances when you COULD, which is a hell of a lot MORE than most people here have. Who the hell are you to whine? People here without options, that are truly stuck have that right, you damn sure don't, imo. When someone could do something to help themselves because they CAN, but choose to piss and moan about how 'UNFAIR' it all is instead while doing absolutely nothing to change their circumstances, it makes me sick.

No, what's really UNFAIR is the fact that HUNDREDS of people here would make good use of the kind of money you say you have, would use that asset to buy the best care in the world for their parent if they had that choice, and would free themselves and their families in a New York skinny second and be laughing with glee while they did it....but they can't do that, because they don't have those options. THAT, to me, is UNFAIR. YOU do have that option, but you do NOTHING but piss and moan about things you COULD change. Boo freaking hoo, dude. Spare me.

Roscoe, I could have written your post! I walk in your shoes. Darn right it's unfair, but what can ya do? Funny, I describe my living situation to my friends as a prison too. :) Rarely getting out. I was just looking at the clock a few minutes ago...and I see I'm going on another 12 hour day with my dad. I have sisters who live 10 minutes away who will not involve themselves at all with his care...or even visit him. I just want a little time to myself. More than an hour or two! I feel my life is on hold too. But we have to find ways to be happy, if even in small little ways. Yes, I'm worn out, but somehow I feel maybe this is where I'm supposed to be right now, and there is life after care giving - however far-reaching it may be. Hang in there. Some good medication helps sometimes too! ha

Wow...

I came across your posting at a random (yet most appropriate) time -- should you care to read on...

I too, am living the same -- except I am a grown woman dealing with a mother who WILL NEVER get 'IT' or ME. I HAD a life (with all its many ups & downs) and while most understand and accept we cannot choose our parents, she refuses to allow me the room -- the right -- the respect -- to HAVE my OWN life again. Yes, over the years she has provided a realm of helpfulness which I gratefully accepted, never giving thought to motive(s) only to realize she was using, and continues to use 'the past' (which is now a ever-present 'presence') in manipulating every aspect and area of my existence. Oh, how I could go on and on about hostilities I forced to refrain from for the sake of peace -- even making genuine attempts in accepting her (as my daughter precisely dubbed) "a very complex woman"...

Coupled with the aforementioned is my dad's recent Alzheimer's diagnosis, of which she is in complete denial. I have seen it coming on for months. Having always been close to my dad (obviously the polar opposite of my mother) I did make the choice to temporarily move in with them to finish schooling, begin continuing my work in nursing and care of the elderly -- never contemplating I'd find myself waking every day within walls filled with such profound anxiety, fueled by the control and sanctimonious manners and judgments of a mother, in ways I must love -- yet have never -- and will never -- live a life which I now see slipping away from reach more and more every day.

My heart reaches out to you, understanding & feeling your pain...wishing I had words of wisdom that I too ... search for. Others in such situations, I can only presume have a strength within them I do not possess in finding ways to work it out, knowing up/down -- right/left -- any way seen or approached ... will never be enough -- or frankly -- even matter.

It helps to journal; funny...one can only wonder why I chose (for the first and only time) to do so in a venue with a public forum.

Health and happiness, however you find it -- I wish for you and all others who seek it.
~RR~