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Rather than hijack anyone else's post, I will give an update on my own situation. Three years ago my daughters and I moved in with the man I used to call my father. I still call him Dad but I dont feel any sort of closeness to him. I only feel stress and depression. The one good thing that has happened is I am no longer working from home. After losing my work at home position due to not being able to concentrate and focus on my work, I am now working a full time position outside of the home. I dont love my job but I have benefits and a decent hourly wage. Its been almost a year. Other than that its still the same. My father is obsessed with my sister. He now comes right out and says he is not related to my children and that they are their fathers problem..not his, they are not his children. If my sister is kind to the girls he tells her she is not related to them. Meanwhile he is still treating his home health aide as if she is his wife and the woman of the house. She brings both of her sons each day. At one point my father was driving them to get pizza after school and only offering my girls some after they were done. He takes out 200 dollars every five days . My sister and I wonder if he is giving her money. Every day she brings her laundry and goes into the basement my personal space to do her laundry. She knows I cant say anything because she knows my father will take her side and tell her its not my house. its his. He reminds me of it at least once per week that its HIS house. A couple of months ago we got into a HUGE shouting match over the way he treats my children. My girls wound up crying hysterically over the shouting. Since then Ive tried to be stupid and cheerful. It worked for a while but now the anger is back. If anyone tries to give me credit, he discredits me and tries to undermine me. He feels I should be waiting on him whenever I have a spare moment. At this point I hate him beyond words. My sister contacted his neurologist about his behavior because he was acting so crazy that the Home Health Aide called her . My sister was afraid that she would quit .Meanwhile no one cares how he acts toward me or my children. All the neurologist did was reduce his anti seizure medication. There is nothing that is going to change his evil behavior At this point Im ready to give up on life. What have I or my children done to deserve this I cant afford my own place and unless I was being physically attacked, no agency will help. I hate my life and every moment of it. Im sorry for being a Debbie Downer but I dont see how this is ever going to get better.

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I don't know if you've thought this far down the road - but have you given any thought to what you're going to do once your father passed away? I ask for two reasons: if you can't afford to live on your own now - what will you do then? Next - if you do have a plan - any options at all, is there a way to fast-track something sooner rather than later. Seems to me like you've got two options right now - either learn to put up with this b.s. or take your children a get as far away from this destructive, demeaning relationship as possible. Obviously this is having a huge negitive effect on you and sounds like it's beginning to hurt your kids - never mind what's being imprinted on them subconsciously. Please seek some help from a social service agency. Low income housing - get on a waiting list. Seek out any and all government assistance- food stamps - whatever. While it's certainly not an ideal route it has to be better than continuing to live as you are.
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You need a way out of there and ASAP. If he is acting crazy enough someone could get guardianship, no? You could move out of state to a small town where your $$ would go far enough to put a roof over your daughter's heads and yours. Maybe try Arkansas. We have an outfit called Our House that is meant to help the working poor get back or get on their feet.

YOU care about how he treats your children - and if they know that, they have something very, very important. They have your love and support, and they have YOU. I have a feeling you will find some way to hang on until you can get free for their sake even if the constant exposure to a truly toxic person is making you miserable and has you doubting your own worth. This man is indeed treating you like hired help or even a slave - he keeps you in the basement, abases you and his own grandchildren, treats you worse than the actual hired help, and expects you to be there for his needs as if you have none of your own. It's like he's the evil stepmother and you are Cinderella. You are strong and good just for surviving three years of this....and that's already three years too many.
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toomuch4me, you're making a decent wage now. Are you getting any financial help for the children, or is supporting them all on you? In your position, I would do whatever I needed to do to get away from the man who used to be your father. You don't owe him anything else. You tried and he kicked dirt on you. Time to dust off your shoes and find a new life for yourself. He doesn't deserve you.
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You are all very kind. Its comforting and empowering to share thoughts with all of you. I live in NYC which is very expensive as you know. I dont receive any assistance from my ex husband whatsoever. But I dont ask for my father for a dime. I purchase any and all items my children need. My sister helps me with buying groceries when I need extra help. Other than that, Im on my own.

For the sake of my job, I cannot move right now. All I really want is for all involved in the situation to work together. Ive tried speaking to the HHA about being problematic and trying to rule the roost in our home. It goes in one ear and out the other. My sister who pays her will not address the issue because she does not her to quit. Even after I told my sister that this woman once got in my face ready to physically fight me, she did not do anything. This woman brings her children to work every day, tries to take over the food shopping so that my children and I have to ask for things to eat, "Oh your grandfather bought that for himself..you have to ask if you want some.." The one who pays her does nothing. If I move out of state and Arkansas is sounding pretty good. My sister offered for me to move in with her. I dont want to do it because it is going to cause more trouble. My father will be calling her every day to complain about us being with her. Physically he is not in poor shape. He likes to act helpless but does not want my sister to lift a finger to do anything. When Im around, he wants to be waited on hand and foot. Any suggestions on how to find housing or a solution would be helpful.
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Did you father disapprove of your choice of husbands? Turning their back like this is so typical when that happens. It is like time freezes in their minds and they still think of you as the girl going against their wishes. Him rejecting your children made me wonder this more.

I understand that staying there right now is something you need to do. I hope you can find a way soon to get away from it. That area is so expensive. I know I couldn't afford to live there. And I also understand you can't afford to leave your job. I do wish your ex was helping financially. That would make all the difference in the world. But it is what it is.

I am trying to imagine who you would talk to about getting your children and you out of such a hurtful situation. I am afraid the government would have options that could be worse than you're looking at now. At least you aren't in a dangerous area now, just a hurtful one. I wish there was a way to improve things without jeopardizing loss of your paycheck.
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Oh Jessie Belle thank you for your kind words.I dont think he disapproved him as much as he disapproves of us being divorced and bringing "shame" to his Huxtable life. Although Huxtable is probably a poor choice of words these days. He acts like my girls are future pregnant teens when they are great students and very well behaved. No matter how horrible he acts they dont say a word. But at the same time they do not say more than hello to him or answer whatever question he may ask. It breaks my heart especially when you hear about Grandfathers and their granddaughters. I agree that any sort of government housing would be far worse. Thats the sentiment everyone has and thats why I feel so alone. My girls were far happier when we lived in a basement apartment with nothing.
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Well, maybe you could go be with your sister 'til you are ready to get outta Dodge - it could be less "trouble" than you are getting now, and you wouldn't have to be face to face with the source of it daily! She would not offer if she didn't mean it. Don't let fear of dad's meanness and bad moods make your decisions for you. If you are moving out, and he's got a home health aide who is running the show anyways, maybe you can afford to make him mad. You can't make him happy with you the normal way, so maybe he'll happy being mad at you and yelling "good riddance" as you walk out the door with as much of your stuff as you can carry. And you are right about living in peace on a shoestring being a better situation than watching others live well while looking down on you and discounting you. I don't know your area at all but food pantries, church based or other might be an option to spare enough money for rent somewhere else. Here's one resource listing of agencies to try talking to: kidsonashoestring Struggling to makes ends meet can suck, but its better than some alternatives.
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I just wondered if the sister was the same one who takes care of the father's bills and has not been very supportive. Or is it a different sister?
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Toomuch there are housing options especially since you have children. Entering a family shelter. Its drastic butbin longbrun you have your own place. Its something I often wish I had done many years ago. The family shelters are not sooo bad and if there is abuse involved service is faster and special. Well like u I work but fall between the lines of too much and too little so I dknt qualify for any services. Also theres nychousing connect on line. With your dependants it might work. You sign up and apply for housing and lotteries on line. I have heard nothing as ive said but it might 0work for you. Good luck in all. That hha is out of her mind if she works for agency id complain. Or find if your father can get service from agency. She needs to go. Some peole will run all over you given the a little authority. Tricky too. Watch her maybe you can eventually have reason to report to anauthority. Seems sister is not monitoring cause she prrobly feeding her family off your father that may be why she so protective. They have ways of getting in favor while maki. A killing ive seen it many times. Anyway I wish you well in all but do something now it gets harder when you no longer have dependents.
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Oh yes and vetstans had good advice for pantry. Call 311 ask for foodpantries give zip code and they can run them down. They are good once you get over the stigma. You get good stuff at different places as u go.people give info and you find ones that work for you. After a while its fun you meet folk who r strugli like yourself and then people like that hha who jump lines. You find some where theres no wait its a process but the work of it helps take your mi d of lroblems. Get fresh air exercise and if you get or find a partner its even better.
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There a are also some good soup kitchens that are good. You hold on and keep pushing. Like mulatta says theres a light at the end of the tunnel!
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For some reason I did not see the first post from beginning that is so very sad. I stated in sort of similar situation and here i am same situation. I always wished gotten out and made my own home instead of puttong up with ugly thinking it was my home. Doing everything needed and with a good job. From my biew ld get out asap. Take temorary discomfort for long term security.
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Yes , NYC is expensive. To echo DDDuck, there are also many affordable housing options for qualifying families, as well.
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Ugh. I wrote this long A##$ response and my internet disconnected temporarily. I have been through the NYC Shelter system when I left my ex husband about 11 years ago. We stayed in a small shelter for women. It was actually one of the best times of my life. In fact we stayed with my parents prior to moving into the shelter and my father acted the same way back then so I cannot blame his behavior on dementia. While in the shelter, I was treated with so much love, support and respect from both the staff and the residents. In fact I met one of my closest friends while staying there. My girls were babies then. Although it did allow me to get on my feet and get my own apartment, I dont want to go through that again. It is rough, especially during the time period where you are trying to be placed temporarily. Im sure its gotten even worse. Yesterday was particularly rough. I was an hour late for work because I was dealing with the an "air conditioning" emergency for my father. Plus my father hid his checkbook and insisted that I find it and that my being late was not more important than finding his checkbook. He spent the whole day bad mouthing me to the Home Health Aide saying that everything has gone wrong since I got there and that he is going to hide his checkbook so "no one" uses it, no one meaning me.(of course he told her where he hid them) If he is not causing disruption he is sitting and glaring at my girls, wanting me to say something about it so he can start screaming like a bangee. My children dont even want to move. They love their school and have made alot of friends. Last night I nearly broke down. I told my sister who pays the Home Health Aide (she does not have children btw. She has a high power position at a large company) that Dad needs to live by himself. She said he cannot live by himself. So then why the heck is she offering for me to stay with her ? I know she is not going to hire another live in Home Health Aide. She also said she would place Dad in Assisted Living. Yeah right and use me as the reason and keep herself clean as a whistle. See thats the catch, s she wants to hide behind me as the reason. "They werent getting along ..." I dont think she will ever do it anyway. She is just waiting for the worst to happen before doing anything. The only reason why she even spoke to the neurologist about his behavior is because the Home Health Aide called her about how he was yelling and screaming at her. right in front of her children. My sister did not want her to quit so she called his neurologist. The neurologist did nothing except reduce the amount of medication he is taking to prevent seizures.
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@DDuck Im so sorry to hear that you had a similar situation. I would love to know more about it..if you feel like sharing.
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toomuch, I am not getting it - going to a shelter was really positive for you but you don't want to go through it again - sis will put Dad in assisted living so you can move in with her, but then it will be your "fault" Dad can't stay in his own home instead - why does that matter, compared with the hell you and your kids are going through? I say LET Dad be mad at you - BE the scapegoat for Sis so she can be the one to continue to look after him and you are not face to face with hatefulness every day. What really is the "worst to happen" here?
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@VSTE. Once I got into the shelter it was a lovely experience. Getting there was rough. Unfortunately many more people are homeless these days. Plus if a woman is dealing with a husband who is being verbally emotionally abusive etc, they will assist you quicker than if you are dealing with an elderly person. Believe me I called the same number I called years ago and this time I was told that unless the children are in danger I should just move out. My sister is just saying she will put Dad in Assisted Living. That would require her to stand up to him. She will only threaten to do so. He will scream and carry on and she will tell him "Well then stop fighting with her if you dont want to go to a Nursing Home.." Thats so ineffective.
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Sorry if Im rambling. What bothers me most is that things do not have to be this way. I must sound like the biggest wimp and idiot to all of you. Im not. If at least one part of this situation was under control things could be better. For instance the Home Health Aide situation should have been the easiest to control Let her know from the beginning, she is not in charge. Ive told her myself, but my father tells her that I dont pay rent so I cant do anything. He allows her to bring her children even when I was working from home and it was very disruptive. She brings her laundry every day. and goes as far as to take my clothing out of the machine if I have clothing in the machine. The basement is my personal space. Dad buys her groceries, tells her to hide items when they go shopping, store things at her house etc. All of that could be eliminated with clear rules and consequences like any other job. Very simple. You are an employee any privileges given can be revoked at any time without warning. Any retaliation against the rules will result in immediate termination. They never make her feel as if she could lose her job, they are more afraid of her quitting. My brother is supposed to be meeting with her when he is in town because he is sick of Dad calling him when she goes into one of her own screaming and yelling fits. Im sick of the whole situation. In NYC housing is so competitive. But Im going to do my darndest to move. Thank you all for being caring and supportive.
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2Much I will gladly share. My computer is out. And its hard to flow using phone. Also cant seem to get to private messages. This forum is awesome. You know you open up and share your worst and the good that comes out of it. By grace and faith I have maintained thru so much. I am by far still in my struggle. So much so that it brings tears at anything good. I am still in a bad place and struggling. I had to move back to my mothers when my landlord sold her house in a long course of issues and when cleared We had one week to move. It was my only recoure otside of a shelter. My profesion and pride led to this option. I was treated like an intruder and there was no respect or consideration in any essence. Its always been that way but I grasped any crumb of consideration that I only got because I was able to do.. Good job car. Its very painful now because I dont have and I am acepting same on job I just got after long period of unemployment after illness. I someti.es wonder if im cursed. But I get positve progress in different areas in my life and it keeps me holding on. I am sensitive by nature spiritually and emotionly i give the benefit of the doubt and allow infringes till i can figure things out. And its painful to have to cut out a tie to a loved one or famy so im dealing with that. Learning to put my wellbeing first after realizing I am fragile and dont have like i used to. Getting old got issuse and cant even rely on general principles from loved ones when I was down. Its funny cUze i never depended on anyone for a y thi g from early age because that was my experience. Just wish I had thought long term a d understood the waste in. My dedication. Hope and faith keeps me going and beleving on love keeps me uplifted especially in times in mist of serial rejection and ugly from my family. My stugle sometimes is not to become like them and oh yes if i did they would not be able to handle getti g that same spirit back. I dont have it in me and am grateful that I have the grace and deep u derstanding that I cant become that. I wod be shamed to say the conditions I have settled for not to mention the constant attack on my physch. Also the longtem effect of choices i have made l hold on to a job thats going nowhere and vastly decrease hours but im not going cut my nose to spite my face. So i take what they give me and reach out hopi g to get bigger and better for myself. At least i have something coming in. Its sad to see similar issues in this forum. It helps me i get good advice that has changed me for the good and the spirit of suplort and understanding does wonders. We are fro. Al walks of life and have similar pain and jts awesome the wealth of info and serious truth thats shared.
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2Much if you had the shelter experience and know it then i really have to stress not to let your pride hinder moving on to better especially if you have ?2 daughters. The ugly i. Your situation will deeply effect them. I sacrificed so much of .y self and my because of pride and the easy rode. Guess what im still in same situation and getti g smae treatment only now my eyes are open so my denial is hitting back hard and now that im moving oyt of denial it hurts even more to see and now i have a harder and deeper fight to dig myself out emotionally mentaly. And sljritua)y because im older got issues and made bad decsions which i also have to deal with. Facing my reality is hard. Take a fools advice and make a home for your girls and youself. When the move on j. Life and have ther on family where r u goi g to be and what r they going to have to go tbru to see you.
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Try to get therapy for you AND your children. There is usually a sliding scale type resource that allows you to pay only what you can afford. Please, please do that for your children. You are stuck in your own childhood when you mention things like sister wanting to appear superior to you. Does your sister have other family? Who does your sister think will be there for her when she needs help when she is older. Your father is ill but he is no doubt having a horrible affect on your children AS WELL AS the caretakers children. What are they supposed to learn from this behavior? The mother sounds awful. I understand your wanting to keep your children in the same home. But get them help in dealing with this. Tell your dad that they have to go to therapy. That their school hours have been extended, whatever you need to do to take care of them. You need to develop a sense of worthiness you are not modeling for your girls. You can get help for this. It will help you make better decisions. A big hug for you and your girls. Make a change. Get therapy.
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Too much if you look at going to shelter just because you have no where else to go. Because you are in an unhealthy , hostile environment for your children. Call and find out info. It doesnt have to be an emergency. it can be a choice.
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Thank you all again for your continued support. It may sound mean, but Im not concerned about the caregivers children in this particular situation because she does not have to bring them and no one told her to bring them every day. Its a shame to me that we have this big beautiful home than can be shared in harmony and its ongoing chaos..every freaking day. The moment I walk in the door, my father wants undivided attention from me in order for me to "earn my keep" Anyway, now that school will be over in a couple of weeks (if I can last that long) I will seriously look at my options.
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toomuch4me: I believe the children being referred to in the comments above are your children.
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At this point I want to come to terms with the fact that my father never wanted me in his life. Last night he was talking to my sister (thinking or not caring that anyone else was around) saying that he only wanted her and my brothers. I came along three years later (we were all adopted from different families) My siblings were infants when they were adopted years before me. My father always brags about how little my sister was when she born, etc etc They all have baby pictures on the wall, I dont. (even though I was only 3 when I was adopted). So now its time to realize where I stand and move on. Im going to start by taking my sister on her offer to allow me and my girls to stay with her. Im going to take her up on it as soon as school is over, while Im staying with her Im going to look for a new apartment...
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Hello all. On Tuesday Im going to the Coalition for the Homless to get assistance with getting an apartment. My worry is that I will not get help. Any suggestions on what I should say ?
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Hi toomuch I have no pearls to share in that area. I am so glad for youvtaking this step. I think the truth of your pain and abusive insecure situation for yourself and your girls would be a start. You have no where to go so you and your children are in a hostile volatile and abusive degrading situation not a safe healthy enviroment at all. Im happy for you and I wish you the best in all. I have no doubt the outcome will be in your favor. Just be open and humble and truth about your distress and pain and concern for welfare and mental emotional stability of your girls in that hostile enviroment. Great move on your part!
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TWO WORDS - MOVE OUT! Use your imagination, come up with something. There is always a solution if you look for one. Totally eliminate the word "can't" from your vocabulary and substitute "I will". The environment your children are living in will affect them (and their relationships) their whole lives if you don't.
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