I lost my mother 4 weeks ago and found this forum to be of great help - I am still grieving but I know she wont be back and I have got used to that even though I miss her so badly (I was her primary carer for 3 years) The only thing I am bothered with is during her last week when her body shut down and she refused food and drink - I spent every visiting minute trying to get her to drink and eat - I didnt know I was doing the wrong thing until I read some articles - no wonder she was very curt with me fussing around and trying to open her mouth for water etc - thus possibly prolonging her impending death - It's this that makes it hard for me to cope - I have buried my head in paperwork etc and now I have nothing more to do. That's when I have time to reflect - plus now I have an operation due this weekend (couldn't have come at a worse time !) I feel really low and wonder how others cope ? from MickyC
A month is a very short period of time to grieve, you will need many months to 'recover'. Being busy just postpones the grieving process. Have you looked into grief counselling? If you are religious, have you spoken with a pastor?
When I have bad recurring thoughts, I say "No, I'm not going there."
Then I distract myself (start cleaning, watch TV, etc.)
Remember your mom with the great memories you both made together.
Good luck with your upcoming surgery.
Give yourself time to sort things out and remember past times with your mom, the good as well as the bad. Don’t shove the trying times into a back corner of your mind. No one’s relationship with a loved one is ALL sweetness and light no matter what they say, and it’s ok to feel a little anger at them. Because, the next hour you will remember something good about her.
You did not prolong her life because you tried to get her to eat. Food and water alone will not stop someone from dying. That is, when it’s someones time, it’s their time and there’s nothing you can do about it.
This is only my humble opinion, but if this is elective surgery, can you postpone it? Having a medical procedure while under such stress and suffering from depression is not conducive to healing and recovery. Speak with your surgical team and see what they think.
Feel free to return here any time you need to vent. We’re open 24/7. Hugs
Be kind to yourself. You did a great thing.
It does lessen but takes ages. Dont rush it, go through it. If you really need a good cry, have one.
Why not write down all the good times and little funny moments you and mum had together. Also she must have related to you some of her fun times.
One from my mum was when we were walking down town the elastic broke in her knickers and without loosing a stride she had bent down picked them up and put them in her bag. Dam old elastic. :)
Take care and good luck with your operation. Enjoy your time in there. You will be in the best place, so plan your meals well. Order some extra crackers and cheese for a late nibble. I did. lol
Hugs
I thank you all and best wishes go out to you
Micky C
Post as often as you need to; we love you! We care!
Her body may have no longer needed sustenance in the form of food, but your care and concern gave her emotional sustenance.