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Dad has a spinal cord injury (10years) he's 57. I used to go work full time and go out everynight for 3 years. he would never hire anyone at night - still hasn't and complains he doesn't get regular dinner anymore. I had to stop b/c i was on burn out, he blames my job and my fiance'. I've suggested, printed out meals on wheels. nope doesn't like them. He wants to get his office organized and cleaned. I bought files and have tried. But he keeps every business card, life insurance mail he gets b/c he wants to look them over. I told him if you let me take everything out and put back what you need i will do it. No he doesn't want to do it that way. He wants to go through each stack of paper. Maybe i'm unreasonable but i don't have time to go through files that are 20 years old and stacks of papers he won't let go of b/c he needs to get life insurance on his brother. So i told him i'd hire a organizer to come out for the office. i figure $ well spent. Nope he doesn't want them to see his private information. I asked my friend and her boys if i could pay them to help me do a cleaning of the house and yard, they said yes. I bring it up to dad - no he doesn't want other people going through his (rented) house. He wants me and my youngest brother (23yrs old) who works out of town to do it all. He wants me to list things to sale but to put a back drop behind the stuff to take pictures. I walk into the house and get so tired b/c i feel like my hands are tied. He doesn't see it that way. If i would just spend more time out there he figures i could help him more. I take the weekends for my fiance' and to get my things done after 3 years of giving them up. He thinks its selfish of me to not be around for him.

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I am so sorry you are going thru this. My parents literally filled their house and garage up. After my father became ill, they had no choice but to move. It took my sister and I over a month, working all day every single day to clean their house. I cannot begin to tell you how many dumpsters of stuff we threw away. We now fight the cluttering of the apartment. I clean the refridgerator every week, if she likes it or not. I sneak "trash" out whenever I can (carry a backpack to stuff it in). Don't ask, just do. What choice does he have, but to let it go? He can always hire someone else to do things if he gets mad (& you get your life back). If you can get to the mailbox before he does, a lot of junk mail can disappear. Oh, I occasionally hear about me going thru her stuff, but I think she is secretly relieved that she is not embarrassed to have people in her house. I have told her I will not go in her closet. That gives her a limited amount of space to junk up, but not so much that it will some day take the rest of my life to clean it up. Plus, it gives her a place to put her "personal" things. If you can, get your brother to play the heavy since he does not live in town. My sister does this for me when I get overwhelmed. She tells her flat out that she is stealing my life. She lays the guilt trip on her so she lets up on me. Most importantly, take care of yourself and take time for yourself. You are as important as he is and you only have one life.
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My mother never throws anything away also. She brings these things out from her bedroom to the kitchen table and it is a mess. I have taken all the mess and just put it on one of the kitchen chairs that is not being used. It will stay there until she decides to throw it away. Although, I must admit that I throw the things away that are not important every now and then. It makes me feel empowered. I know that is silly but when I do this I give myself a big "YES" when I do it.
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I had the same issue with my sister. Papers, mail piling up and she always said she would get at it later, but never does. Finally, after attending a Caregiving Class, I realized I just have to let it go. Let it be. You've offered the help, now just relax, visit, but give yourself a break. You can't do it all, if he has his mind and doesn't let you. Good luck.
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It sounds like paper reduction is an absolute necessity to accomplish his goal, and you need to get him to agree that unnecessary papers have to go. Then agree on guidelines--if something doesn't make sense or hasn't been used during the past year, out it goes, unless it has sentimental value. If there's a phone number with no name, call the number or toss it.
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Yikes, you have tried many good ideas and your dad keeps saying no to them. How about if you say, "Dad, I will come over for 3 hours 2 days a week and you tell me what you would like me to do to help you with during that 6 hours per week", or whatever quantity of time you can give. Put it on him to figure out what he needs most, after you tell him what you can actually give. I am from a similar deal in that my folks seem to be against hiring anyone to help, while, me and my sibs help where we can, but we know we can't do enough. We have to find balance between preserving our quality of life, and not failing the people who raised us and were always there for us when we were young. I keep considering that, if all goes well, we adult children of the elderly all have a lot ahead of us and we have need to take care of our mental and physical health in order to be there for everyone else in our lives and because we deserve the best lives that we can live too. Your dad needs to fiure out that he has a great kids who loves him and is will to do so much! Hang in there.
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Yes thirdson that i where i'm at now. I try and help where i can. There are cobwebs on some things boxes stacked but unless i quit my job and am out there 24/7 i can't do it all. I have had some tell me you should go live with him so you can do it all, that's what they'd do. WHAT! NO WAY!! I have to pay my bills and clean my house too.
I helped raise my youngest brother. I've helped my mom and dad. Just b/c my parents had me does that mean i owe them my whole life?
He has choices and so do I.
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I hear ya and actually i suggested this! Nope he doesn't want it on a table that can't be delt with all at the same time. I said lets put the table in the living room and only put back in the office what you want. But see he wants it all. I have bought files, i have bought file cabnints, boxes, over the door plastic shoe holder for mail, made budget books. He is the type of person who uses envelopes to write notes on and then you have to look at each envelope b/c it might have info on it and then try to remember what it means. He saves everything! b/c you might need it. His coffee pot broke - i got him a new one. he saved the old one b/c we might be able to use the parts.
thanks for letting me vent.
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There is no reason several piles can't be placed at his level on a card table or such for sorting. He can work on it at his leisure. Give him a "keep" box and maybe some file folders and marker. If a shredder isn't convenient, then a throw away box. Me thinks he is trying to manipulate you and the brother to be at his beck and call.

Good luck! I have a sister and Mother who are the same way...drives me crazy! So afraid of anyone coming into the house or helping in any way.
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I fought some of the same issues. I finally just gave up. No idea was ever good enough. I backed away. Visit when I can, step over the boxes, make sure he is basically ok. The I go on with my life. I can sleep at night. And my Dad lives with his decisions.
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