BarbBrooklyn Posted September 2014
Are we suggesting throwing our elderly parents under the bus?
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I don't think so! We've got folks who write in describing narcissistic and at times abusive parents who, due to codependency issues, are wearing an adult child into an early grave. In those situations, some of us suggest stepping away from the situation in order to let professionals take over, or to ask for assistance in getting a parent placed after a hospitalization because living alone is no longer feasible.
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the two elders ive given so much time to not only would care for me if i were down but HAVE . i ended up at my moms house 7 yrs ago because i was on a wicked hepc chemo treatment , working 1/2 mile from her house and too sick to drive home after a four hr workday . she was glad to have me stay there , helped me with my bills and nourished me back to health . ditto aunt edna , 15 yrs earlier . divorce , rough hepc tx , edna took me in and put meat back on my bones . they are powerful figures in my life and i could never repay them enough .
But if new poster perceive it they certainly are welcome to explain their thoughts. We don't require uniformity of thinking here, and multiple approaches help provoke new insights.
what would your parent do for you right now if the roles were reversed ?
mom and i were domestic partners . hanging with edna has forestalled the multiple loss but itll catch up to me .
i get your drift tho pam . if living with and caregiving for a parent is ones arrangement , ya shouldnt hear much bitchin out of them . it can be a pretty equitable business deal .
Your elders would have and did help you. You helped them. All is cool. No bus in sight.
My sisters and I helped our mom stay in the community and then eventually go into a nursing home. No bus in our itinerary, either, though some people think, by definition, that placing your elders in a care center is throwing them under the bus.
Some posters here are under the bus's wheels themselves, and need encouragement to extricate themselves. Some posters see this encouragement as wrong and think we should sacrifice for our parents no matter what.
Lots of different views. As I say, I don't see much abandonment going on.
Nor do I think that caregivers who need to receive some compensation are wicked people who are exploiting their parents. Sorry, I've seen too many situations up close and personal that don't fit that mold.
I see my sister every weekend. Two other sisters live far away, but they do keep in touch, stay updated and will kick in if little sis needs a TV or furniture or a new winter coat. We make it work.
Captain, what you have described is what I call LOVE. Truly. Being there when we are down and out. Not necessarily with money but with what we have to give and selflessly.
When I married, my parents had given me very little in the way of money and emotional stability. My dad verbally abused me as a teenager and my mother let him. So I married a man who, like my parents, put money before those he was supposed to love. I knew no better. Over the years and three kids later, I was barely hanging in there. I talked to my mother about the struggles of a man who valued his net worth over the love of his wife. She listened and then she turned on me.
Many years later my brother told me she had been bad mouthing me for years because she was afraid I wanted money from her. I confronted her about this and she hates me even more so now.
I felt it was my duty as her daughter to care for her in her later years. She has fought me tooth and nail. Not wanting me near her money. Lied about me to my brother and sister in law. Treats me terribly. Why? My brother said she thought I might need something.
So, any one who thinks I will hands on take care of a woman who does this sort of thing is out of their mind. I am not a bum who would let their parent suffer. I have raised three wonderful girls and even over 30+ years have managed to come to an understanding of my husband.
There are many worse situations on this site. Many worse abuses. But for any one to suggest that we who have suffered at the hands of mentally ill or narcissistic parents are just throwing the parent under the bus does not understand what pain we have been through. All we are looking for is a map to navigate the terrible hand we have been dealt. And to not be hurt any longer.
I think what I am getting at is this. The caregivers with siblings/relatives that do not help out because of the thought that YOU are going to inherit whatever is leftover,so you should be able to handle everything yourself, are the ones that throw people under a bus. Not only are they throwing their parent's under a bus, but their sibling also. I did this out of kindness... if there is nothing left when all is said and done, I will still have my integrity. I will have done the right thing by them. If my mother becomes too much for me to handle and her own safety is jeopardized and needs to be in a NH, then that will happen, for HER safety, not because I abandoned her. Because I love her.
Passing judgement and vilifying our fellow members undermines the good of this place. I believe that opinions of that nature are best kept to ones self.
Having said that... people are people including me and sometimes our emotions put our brains (and typing fingers) on speaker phone. I like the way people here, for the most part, make room for our many personalities :)
When the time comes when my parents need professional hands-on care, I will either hire certified Caregivers or suggest my parents move into a really nice retirement facility. They saved for those forthcoming rainy days.
Physically I cannot take on the role of a hands-on Caregiver. I am pushing the big 70... how I wished I had the energy I had back when I was in my 50's... half of that energy has disappeared, and I have my own age related decline. Heavens, just 6 years ago my sig other and I had hiked 22 miles one weekend.... now we are lucky if we can walk around the block :(
Everyone's case is different. I never had children to learn how to reason with a 3 year old or a 13 year old... thus, how do I reason with a 93 year old?... I can't drawn on my career for examples.
Only, with my darling mother whom I do honestly love, not so much. Because I know exactly what she would do. She'd say "never mind, darling. I'm sure you'll manage" and return to her crossword. And I know this because that was exactly what she always did do. And mainly we did manage - upside down, back to front, through a hedge backwards, sliding on our arses, we got there somehow. But in a few variously devastating ways, we didn't.
She loved us. She couldn't look after herself, never mind us. Each to his own - is it her fault she was talentless at caregiving?
So, all I mean is, if reciprocity were the only reason for caring for our elders perhaps quite a lot more of them would be going under a bus. I think we come to better arrangements when we think through what's the best fit for all, within the bounds of practical realities, rather than acting purely under obligation.
I do not believe it is something anyone looks forward to doing and hopes they will have the honor of cleaning up after Mom or Dad when they have decorated the bathroom walls yet again. it is just as easy to praise as to critisize but and it is a big but more experienced caregivers will speak up when they see someone new is heading for disaster. This is not throwing anyone under the bus or being harsh towards another poster, it is experience being shared which is what this forum is all about. A few have medical training but not necessarily in eldercare which while given little value is a definite specialty with at least or maybe more training needed than many other specialties. Some people can write their posts more eloquently than others but often leave out important background details and the message being conveyed may paint an entirely different picture than reality and elicit responses which on the surface are harsh but may seem appropriate given the information provided by the questioner.
late in life he sat in his house with mom lamenting about the freezer needing defrosted and how his worthless kids didnt care if he lived or died . he read his bible rather selectively . he adhered to the part about not shorting yourself on lamp oil to help those who failed to prepare but ignored the many lessons about uplifting the least in society with what youve been generously blessed with . i wouldnt have caregiven for dad for one minute . it would have been contrary to my principles and a transparent fraud . i feel for mom having to live with this womanizing hypocrite for 55 years . she had potential for so much more .
My dad changed his will; how can I change it back? I want to see a copy of dad's will. Am I entitled to do that? . . . People who are slaves to their parents and who don't want to spend any money on their parents' care because many times, I think, they figure it's coming out of their own pockets . . . my brother stole dad's money . . . my sister stole gram's money . . . Who ARE these people? And how do they sleep at night?
This site (and caring for mom) has gotten me thinking hard about quality of life. And the pharmaceutical industry. They're tough topics. Both of them.
Seeing the number of people with little or no savings to pay for their own care relying on our government to take care of them. As we've learned to keep people alive longer, we haven't touched the dementia problem. Live long enough? You won't even know what day it is. Stop swallowing and we'll insert a feeding tube. When does it stop? I'm not sure it ever does. Reading how people have tried to hide their parents' assets so they will have an inheritance. Siblings stealing from siblings. It's discouraging.
A pharmaceutical industry that researches the latest and greatest and then pushes it down our throats (pun intended) with abandon. Side effects be damned. A medical industry telling us fat isn't good for us and restricting a 90-year-old's diet to low fat.
I guess I'm becoming jaded here. I DO read between the lines on many of the posts. I trust that instinct. I've trusted that sense all of my life, and it's served me well. I try to impute pure motives in people, but it becomes difficult sometimes.
Oh, well, I've rambled long enough. ;)
My parents keep telling me I will inherit their estate.. I tell them, that is nice but I think you will outlive me, so you enjoy your money, you earned it. Even if I do get their estate, I am too tired and my health isn't that great, guess I could use it for my own assistant living :P
As for aging into our early 100's, OMG that means aging children in their 70's and 80's will be trying to care for their own parents who are in their early 100's. Or a grandchild in their 50's trying to care for their 70's and 80's parents and 100's grandparents.
I don't mind living into my 90's if I can still be part of a productive society, doing volunteer work, etc. I don't want to spend my golden years bedridden with a feeding tube not knowing where I am.
With the all baby boomers getting older, and there are many of us, I am just now starting to see more and more articles in my local newspaper [The Washington Post] about Alzheimer's, dementia, and about Caregiving. These articles should have been discussed 25 years ago and something done back then. Too many of us are exhausted, be it hands-on care, or caring from afar, or dealing with daily logistics.