Going nuts! Been caring for my mom for 3 years staying 3 nights each week to shop, cook, clean, take care of appts, meds etc. my responsibilities are seemingly increasing due to her demands not associated with her immobility. I'm now her personal assistant :/ When I lost control with my emotions at 3am, the second night she woke me for a trivial task and told her don't wake me unless it is an emergency... She responded I woke up for you when you were a baby. Omg I said you are not a baby. Then she said I'm worse and need more care due to my sickness. My mom is an alcoholic, absuive, demanding 78 yr old mother with copd, afib, depression . She hates her life and all around her. She scares off all help cause of her nastiness and out of control criticism do love her but hate her behavior . I have a sister who refuses to help her which now we are not talking . Left moms house after I did what needed to be done and told her I refuse to stay anymore due to these wake up calls, her yelling and screaming and lack of appreciation as all is having a negative impact on my mental and physical health. Now I feel guilt but at the same time I feel that I have some control over what was destroying me .
I hope you can understand better why sis is not helping, and that you can reconcile with her.
You are not required to take care of a parent -- even a parent you love -- if they are abusive and nasty. In fact, in such cases it might be healthier to care from a distance -- see that she has a case worker or social worker or care manager to coordinate the care she needs. Don't try to provide the hands-on care yourself.
I agree with you that cold feet are not an emergency to scream about. But if Mom has been having bad dreams and wakes up disoriented she may be in a panic and by the time you get there she is embarrassed and settles on telling you she needs her feet covered. It doesn't make it less disruptive of your sleep, but it may be a genuine panic and not just a way to be demanding. I suspect there is some cognitive impairment here as well as the conditions you've mentioned.
It is not the job of the good daughter or son to protect parents from the consequences of their own behavior, made freely over time. Someone who is critical, demanding, and just plain nasty can expect people to avoid her. Behavior has consequences. Our parents taught us that in childhood, right? Why should we think we should be able to suspend consequences for our parents?
I don't suggest that you be mean and nasty to your mother. But I think you are perfectly justified in not letting her be mean and nasty to you. Keep your distance.
Many of us here have had to do so because of the way our parent(s) are.
You and your sister (or anybody else) cannot fix this.
Aging with an addiction is awful and complicated. Everything that's already hard is made even more difficult. There are several boards/threads on agingcare.com specifically about this problem, so I encourage you to dive into those. There are many people here who can support you through this journey. It won't be easy or pretty, but when you put personal boundaries in place, you can survive it.
From one gal who has been through the enmeshment of an abusive parent, I can tell you that the will to save yourself is not wrong, greedy, selfish, or any of those other negative adjectives that run through your mind. Your will to survive is at the core of your being and it's there for a reason. Listen to it.
These two personality disorders frequently go together and can involve an addiction like alcoholism. You can't fix a borderline/narcissist.
Other people, especially daughters, get caught up in it very much like Cinderella, except the wicked witch and ugly daughters are all the same person. You can save yourself if you know what's going on and how to put personal boundaries in place.
Pick up the book by Melody Beattie "Codependence No More" or google the paper on line written by AA called "Alchohlism - A Merry Go Round Called Denial." I found these helpful. Your issues are intertwined there is a reason you are angry, your feelings are valid. Wishing you lots of healing and luck ((hugs))