Thank you very much, we are all ok again, and will do our best, to help mom and dad. Ups and downs. Reading this forum is very helpful.

I’ve followed this forum, for several years and credit you all with helping me, to survive dealing with our parent’s poor health, and dementia, and especially how to deal, with my sisters. The biggest help was realizing it’s Grief not Guilt, cause I did nothing wrong, and losing our parents, a tiny bit every day, for the past eight years, has been tough, depressing and the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Mom and dad struggled with poor health, for several years, before the worst diagnosis, both had dementia. The first and only meeting we had, was NOT really a meeting. Mom and dad had the actual meeting, with their two youngest daughters a day earlier, made all the decisions about plans going forward, selling and renovating family home of 44 years, buying new condo close to our area, etc., and no mention of them breaking up, and our folks going into professional care. No surprise. Me and number two daughter, went to the second gathering, where we were told what they wanted us to do, establishing us as “the help”. Inequality was our foundation.

Us two oldest know, our parents put our little sis in charge, and we have always deferred to her decisions, kept the peace, and while we have not agreed with much of what has been done, it was not our place to control anything. We choose peace, period. We keep our comments to ourselves too. And we are each other’s therapist, along with our husbands. I will advise that over the years, our reluctance to say anything, when being treated rudely and being yelled at by our caregiving sister, did not make her appreciate our grace. It emboldened to her to be worse, and her life was also getting more difficult, but she insists on doing it all herself, wants no eyes on her or their increasingly crowded home. We say nothing about what we want done better, cause she has too much to do and we know it, but she allows no help. Our mom wants her to do all caregiving, everything for her. She changes every Depends, goes to every doctor appointment.

This past year has been TOUGH because of many horrible family situations, too complicated to detail, often I try and it’s a lot. I’m oldest daughter of four, the youngest one being 14 years younger, and she chose never to leave our parents home. That can really complicate the memory loss journey, with one’s parents, because they gave her full power, shared their secrets with only her, and our family has zero communication skills. The three of them are extremely codependent, and our parents love their four daughters equally, BUT they NEED AND depend on their youngest, always have. Dad said long ago he knew he had to take care of our sister cause she never made her own family, like her older sisters. Sexist. Ugh. It’s much more complicated than that, as you all know, but only so much space to share. We all operate with our own different emotions, life experiences, and ways of expressing ourselves, and anyone whose been a sister or had them, knows sisters can be hard to get along with, under the best of circumstances. Toss memory loss disease in the middle, and unequal treatment of those four daughters on top, and it’s frankly a sh!tshow. Amazing we didn’t fall apart, until this year.

This post is to share my JOY and our breakthrough. I have kept giving grace and doing my best to not let mom and dad forget me, while our sister was making access to them harder, and it was coming to a head, where I was not going to see them or communicate anymore. Yesterday I bought my mom’s favorite bread, lovely gift bag and amazing flower card, dropped it off on their porch and after fours months of no contact, and not seeing mom and dad, since May, she sent me two videos. Mom for 59 seconds clearly struggling to talk, but sweet, loving her treats, card. And 5 seconds of dad, telling me he loves me. It broke down any anger I have, all gone, and my sister bending for me, answering my simple “I love you”, with “We love you all”, back, all forgotten. We are good. Thank you so much!♥