my mother is 87 and is so stubborn. she is refusing to wash, (dressing now recently becoming an issue too )she is not eating ,only drinks Complan she wont use a walking frame, so she just sits all day. my father has dementia and he is the main caregiver to her. the house smells, they refuse to have any caregiver come into the home,these are just some of the problems I have. my siblings also do what they can but my parents expect a lot from all of us. they live near me so my mother expects me to be at her beck and call.. I do as much as I can,but I have my own handicapped child and take care of my own family as a single parent. I help out with my grandchildren and find it very difficult to keep up with my mothers constant complaints and demands on me. I don't know what my question is really. I just need someone to understand. I am neglecting myself caring for everybody else.
As you probably already know your dad shouldn't be your mom's caregiver because he has dementia. That's a recipe for disaster. It sounds like your parents need too much assistance to be living at home. It's time for a family meeting with you and your siblings to discuss what to do about this situation because it isn't working.
As far as your mom's complaints and demands, if you cut off the "supply" of jumping every time she snaps her fingers that may decrease her "demand" that you to jump every time she snaps her fingers. And if your parents need that much care where you have to go over there all the time to take care of them then they need more care than you can provide.
Item #1 on your list of things to discuss with your siblings might want to be your dad. He can't be a caregiver with his dementia. What do you all want to do about your dad? Talk about this, figure this out, then go from there.
I think most people here will totally understand what you're going through. Putting our elderly parent(s) first in our life doesn't work. It's bad for us, for our mental and physical health and bad for our own families. Take care of yourself first so that you can be there and be capable of being there for your own family. Your parents should be 3rd on your list of priorities after you and your own family. Once you've got that straightened out if you find your parents can't live the way they're living it's time to think about an alternative.
Please keep coming back here and sharing what's going on. My died passed away a year ago and this site was a godsend to me. And my dad was a lovely man and I had the support of my brother and even under those near-perfect conditions I was still an emotional and anxiety-ridden wreck.
Trumping all of that in importance.............I took care of my wonderful husband.
Anyway as time went on my inlaws got worse. They were hoarders and although they allowed me to clean to a point.........I wasn't allowed to throw anything away. Yes, I snuck a lot of moldy food out of the house disguised as laundry. (In laundry bag lol).
In 2010 my husband died and the light went out of my life. He was awesome, just awesome, and I miss him in every corner.
His parents continued to live in their own house for another 2.5 years...........till FIL got pneumonia and was hospitalized for 4 weeks. During that time, I moved MIL into my house. Then FIL straight from hospital to my house. FIL died in Oct. and MIL with Alzheimers is still here.
BTW, for many years - my husband and I tried to talk to them about planning for their care etc.......... but to no avail.
So we were left with a mess. They could've died long ago but they didn't and I just kind of waited for the "ax to fall."
We did as much preparation as we were permitted but in the end........ I had to wait it out to see which of many scenarios would happen to me.
So Brenglee, a new event will likely be the catalyst to propel you into the next stage. You're just "in waiting" till then.
No matter what, when the time comes, you will find a way and you will be okay.
sucks for you and yours cause were easy to please. i had a dam good man explain to me once that you dont deserve anything until youve first learned to appreciate what youve been blessed with. dont rip my azz, im a contented old man..