Trying to find way to avoid conflicts, if only for a day, I find myself being devious in so many ways, and it sticks in my gut. I hide his cell phone because his sits for hours, hitting the numbers, scrolling through names, calling people at all hours, sometimes accidentally. I hide his shaver because he dumps the whiskers everywhere and lost the parts to the last one, sits and shaves and shaves and shaves. (I offer to help him to expedite and clean the shaver for him). Hide his hearing aid accessories because he dumps them out all over. I hide the mail because he wants to subscribe to every magazine, donate to every charity, enter every sweepstake, apply for every refy or loan, send away for every "viagra"-type product, every prostate product. And on it goes.
Coping with dementia is exhausting.. I've been playing these games with my Dad for over 6 years now.. to try to keep the peace.
Hubs advises looking for a technology that blocks that specific cell phone getting to the cell phone tower, and instead going to a box that won't put the call through. It may be called "Cell-be-gone".
Or, you could do what Sharyn did, drop it in a glass of water (joke).
My idea was to "call forward" during certain hours, but that may be labor intensive.
You could get a dummy phone when hiding his, so he won't freak out.
Having things gone missing all the time will add to your hubs confusion and frustration, I am thinking. It depends upon his cognitive abilities, and if he becomes lucid at times.
I empathize with your frustration, and the reason I thought of putting the phone in a glass of water is that it seems so much easier than to have it end up in a trash truck, being tracked to a dump site. imo. So bad, huh? Those things can be expensive.
You so very much need some respite care.
She has a smart TV, many of the shopping channels are blocked. The TV goes off at 11 and won't come back on till 7.
She is constantly looking for her checkbook to buy something. She never answers the phone when it rings, so we just moved it upstairs and we get all the calls forwarded to me and my sister through the VOIP.
Hearing aides were another matter. She would pull them out and leave them everywhere. She doesn't think she needs them. We finally just stopped, they kept getting lost, it was a disaster, and they are expensive. Wireless head phones so she can watch TV and have the sound turned up so no one else is bothered.
She recently had to get an upper plate denture, it ends up everywhere. She even left it at a restaurant. Takes her "teeth out to eat". Go figure. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, sometimes we rage.
This is not devious, this is protective. Think of what you do for your little children to keep them safe and prevent exploitation. This is the other end of life where we have to do the same things.
I admit I lose my patience with her on a daily basis. She fights me about her doing anything she doesn’t want to do - like bathing, washing her hair, doing her walking, her exercises (she was in rehab for a while). Whenever she doesn’t want to do something, she pulls the “I don’t feel good” or “I don’t think I’m going to be able to do xxx today”. I used to give her the benefit of the doubt, but now I’m on to her. Sometimes she has barely opened her eyes in the morning before she says she doesn’t feel like doing anything today.
However, her dementia seems to be getting worse each week. She has gotten to the point where she has to wear a diaper all the time. I placed a diaper pail in her room along with a dirty clothes hamper with bright neon signs taped to the wall above each receptacle so she would get used to putting things where they belong. They still end up on the floor, her bed or a chair. I’ve given up.
RE: "where are the hearing aids" - I've been playing this game for several years. I finally got DH to put them in his shirt pocket. Much easier to find. Yes, I had to rummage through the trash once and even scoured the backyard looking - thankfully I always found them. So far.
We have a metal bar across the door so he knows I am still inside - sort of - but the bar is too heavy for him to lift. He still can't always find me in the house. But the bar across the door helps a lot! It slides through 2 large 'cup hooks' and secures the door.
My Mom is showing signs of ALZ. I am always looking for short cuts & work arounds these days.
Princess....thanks for your honesty.....I could have written your post! I tell Mom "let's not fight about it...it has to be done so let's just get it over with & think how wonderful you feel after the shower." This works more often than not as "just get it over with" was one of her go to expressions when I was growing up. She can relate to it. :)
Ideas; If the cell phone is or could be on your plan is there a plan meant for children that limits who they can actually call or what hours they can call from it? I know there are cell phones meant for seniors that hold limited numbers and have very limited functions, maybe that's an option? Seems to me he gets some pleasure out of scrolling though so I would be tempted to try and let him have it for as long as possible, even if it wont call all of those people... When he subscribes to things and orders things, is it by mail? Who mails it for him or provides the stamps? Any way to intercept, even make a deal with the mail carrier if he leaves them in your box or give him 1 cent stamps so they don't get sent... Give him an old checkbook to a closed account and maybe mark that on the back of the checks or something to warn anyone that receives one that doesn't get out. Is there a way to flag his SS# or hold it so anyone wanting to give him credit sees not to? I know there is a way to turn that ability to check your credit on and off so other people cant steal your identity. Again it seems to me that getting and being able to go through the mail, fill out forms and order things is a familiar function to people and makes them feel self sufficient, like they are living in the real world.
Thant said of course, I am not suggesting making it harder on yourself to entertain him, it's a balance and an important one meaning your needs are more important sometimes and his are other times, unfortunately it falls on you to decide which is which. Still your needs are no less important than his and should take precedence a fair amount of the time. Taking care of yourself is the same as taking care of your LO.
Guilt is a spirit sapping emotion that will keep you tired & cranky - you should only feel guilt for things you do selfishly [like taking money from their wallets to buy booze for yourself] not for doing things like following what the health specialists strongly suggest you do for them or even common sense tells you should be done - it is past time to ditch guilt for necessary actions because those actions are done out of love & compassion
He refuses hearing aids, but he loves to read. Every week I take him a stack of books and this occupies him. I also take him snacks he likes and this seems to satisfy him. Has he thrown some books in the trash can? Yes. IF that is the worst, I can deal with it.
Granted he is in NH and is supervised, but he is still able to cause havoc. We control it as best we can. Now he wants to play bingo with other residents, which is great! Good luck with this...
If your father loves using the cell phone, could you set it up the way it's done for small kids, no WIFI or Internet, so they can't place calls, but can look through photo libraries (add photos of faces, animals, favorite objects, memories he'd enjoy scrolling through), listen to music, use the calculator, and show him how to use a few very simple features.
It would be so cool if there were a way to have a phone contact list so he could tap a name/phone number that went directly to recorded messages: "Hi Dad, I love you very much. I hope to see you soon!" "Hi Grandpa. I want to sing a song for you (read a poem, tell a funny story)."
This would give him things to do if he just enjoys fidgeting with the cell phone.
If he still understands how to make phone calls, this would not be adequate, and as others have suggested, a land line would be necessary.