I'm admitting that I went into this caregiving thing with a HUGE grudge because my Narcissistic father wasn't the best to deal with BEFORE he "got sick". Maybe I'm cynical, but I sometimes question if he's really sick or if he's just looking for a reason to continuously make my life a living hell.
Today was the last straw... he YELLED at me in a bank full of people. He accused me (again) of taking his money. He then screamed that my BF (whom he hates... I have no idea why) put me up to asking him for money and how we're not going to live off him. He called me all kinds of names that I dare not repeat... let's just say that he views me as a "lady of the evening"
It was AWFUL... so bad that I literally walked off and left him screaming in the middle of the lobby. This is a culmination of abuse over YEARS. He's been married SEVEN times... I've personally witnessed him physically abuse at least half of them.
My baby brother committed suicide. Daddy abandoned most of his 11 other living children...my sister and I have tried to be there for him, but she keeps her distance (recently returned to his life once her daughter went to college...how convenient).
I got stuck with him somehow. My sister (with the college child) ran away from home and my drug addicted mother left me with him. For as long as I can remember I had to care for him. I resented it. I grew up. I went to college. I moved away. I started living my life. He gets sick and BAM!!! "Lil bit" must save the day.
I TRIED. I can't take the abuse anymore. I tried to honor his wishes of not being put in a home, but I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!!! We tried independent living, but he can't even do that.
I was diagnosed with Pneumonia yesterday but I still got up to make his breakfast....his response: scream more... accuse me of faking my illness.
Something snapped in me today. I really could care less if he rots away in that facility. Maybe it's emotion, but I CAN'T do this anymore. My health is suffering... my relationship is on the verge of being over. I cry EVERY day. I don't even fix myself up anymore. I don't work out. I hardly eat. I'm always tired. My work performance has declined. He's GONNA KILL ME!!!!
so what's the deal with the money? I have full POA. IF i WANTED to take his money, I could easily CLEAN HIM OUT!!! I've NEVER done that. Guaranteed his other children would in a heartbeat.
Daddy has always been OBSESSED with his money. I think that's all he has. I HATE discussing it with him because he 1) gets confused or 2) doesn't remember the conversation then I get accused of stealing from him.
I'm ranting but I clearly pity this man who is going to die alone because he's so evil. Dimentia or not.... I should NOT be disrespected.
I'm revoking the POA. Let him figure out how to pay his own bills... I'm making him someone else's problem. I'm DONE!!!!
I don't know why, but I'm still trying to honor this miserable grump's wishes and not put him in a full-on HOME. Instead, we are going to move him out of the super-expensive independent living facility and into a reasonably priced senior apartment with live-in care.
The sickness was a HUGE wake up call. Like surprise, the money just ISN'T worth it to me. If it was, I could have easily taken it. While in the hospital, my BF visited Dad every day and made sure he took his medicine (despite the fact that Dad refused to talk to him). I was hoping Dad seeing what it would be like without me would make a difference...no such luck.
I had done LITTLE contact before this happened at the advice of my therapist. This situation forced me to break that, and now I wish I hadn't.
Sadly, those days away from Dad were refreshing... that sounds terrible right?
I still have POA for now, but NO MORE trips to the bank. Sigh....
I don't have those problems although my mother keeps telling me to leave all worries about $$and my furture in gods hands??? I feel god has given me way to more..
care givers are the first to get sick and the stress of what your going thru sounds like it could end up causing very serious damage. Stress does terrible things in so many ways.. I ended up with congestive heart failure being married to an abusive alcoholic trying to keep the ship afloat..Now I care for my mom and have different stress... I can only hope that Im doing the best I can to prevent a relapse. but time for myself preservation is really hard to get.
I think there comes a time in some cases where we have to say enough is enough.... I did the best I could..
You need to choose you. It's his fault he is in the situation he is in (not dementia, but being evil to everyone over the years). Take care of yourself. Lately I feel like my mom is just another chore I don't have time for. I love her, but don't like her anymore, she is so demanding and annoying and she is not one tenth what it sounds like your dad is. I'm pulling back and only doing what I have to for her, out of self preservation.
If you live with him, move out, or put him in a home. Get on with your life, that's my advice. I don't know how old you are, but any age is too young to give up the rest of your life for someone who's putting you through h*ll.
Fast forward 8 years. She was in bad shape, and APS asked if we could take her. I put her in memory care immediately, and I "care" from a distance. I will get the inheritance now, but what was more important to me was showing my kiddos how to do something for someone so unlovable that they ran off every person in the world with their meanness. It was only because I had that 8 year break that I was able to do this. Without it, she'd be a skeleton under some bush in her yard.
Is the money worth it? I walked away from PILES when I chose to save MY life. No money could pay me enough to sacrifice my well being for her sake. If you are worried about your sister getting control of his money, why? Do you really want to sell your soul? That's how I felt before I walked.
Tinyblue has given this her best shot. It is time to let a social agency take over.
You are in a completely untenable situation.You need to get out of it. And that starts with removing this abusive sperm-donor (he doesn't seem to qualify for the title "Dad") from your house.
And believe everyone who is telling you that none of this is your fault!!
Put some distance between yourself and this person, for your sake. Many of us have been aggravated to the max, just like you and have found helpful suggestions here. I sure have. Take care.
It's very sad that this is happening, but please remember that neither his mental illness nor the abuse is your fault. You might benefit from finding a therapist to talk to, even short term.
Can you physically leave so that you can take care of your pneumonia?
Call Adult Protective Services NOW. Revoke the POA and have done with it. You can move on with a clean slate knowing that you tried to do your best, but in the end, he required more care than you could provide.
I am not sure that you should give up POA. With it, you can get info about his health.