Tired and feeling unappreciated.
My mother and I have served as caregivers for her mother/my grandmother for the past 2 years. We provide her with around the clock care, especially now that she is in home hospice. We are tired, but we work out of love. I understand that confusion comes with dementia, but we never receive any thanks for what we do (which is everything, often including feeding and toilet duties, as well as the regular house work, cooking, cleaning, and changing of sheets.) We keep trying to take a few days off for respite care, but we hesitate to be out of town in case she passes. Recently, her health has really taken a turn for the worse. I am a college student in nursing school, and while I don't mind caring for her, I consistantly feel overwhelmed and burned out. I worry about my mom, because while I am only 20 and can handle the sleepless nights and long days, she is nearing 70 and cannot. How do we find relief while still being there for our loved one? Once a week, we have someone come in during the day so we can get out for a few hours, but it never feels like enough.
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With your Mom being close to 70, she herself is going through her own age related decline, I know, it is happening to me. We have lost half of our energy that we had back when we were in our 40's or 50's. So, if you are feeling overwhelmed and burned out, imagine how your Mom feels.
It's probably too late now to place your Grandmother into a continuing care facility as per your other posting of today, as your Grandmother sounds like she's near the end of her final stage. Has your mother contacted Hospice to come in to help? They are paid through Medicare which your Grandmother probably has as her primary insurance.
It is especially hard to continue to give and give without any show of appreciation -- in fact, with sometimes being accused of stealing or abuse! That is part of the confusion of dementia. I know it feels very personal, but it is not really about you -- it is about what the damage in her brain is doing to your grandma's perceptions. You and Mom will have to be each other's cheering squad. You can't expect that from demented Grandma.
Hang in there! This particular journey is almost over.
Don't take it personally; it's the way things often are.
Since you're a nursing student, something you can do is as FF suggests. Think of how much experience you're gaining, and how much more valuable you'll be as a nurse because of this insight.
And be practical as well as career conscious; when you have a chance, jot down the various aspects of care you're providing so you can include them in your resume.
Hang in there, but do take as much time as you can for yourself, even if it's only a few minutes here and there. Do something relaxing to refresh yourself. Even just sitting with your eyes closed dreaming of something that calms you is worth it.
There's a thread titled "These are a few of my favorite things", at
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/these-are-a-few-of-my-favorite-things-184404.htm
It's tremendously inspiring and relaxing, so much so that I'm copying and saving the messages, printing them out and adding them to my medical records that I take when I go to doctor visits and ERs. For me, just thinking about this topic is relaxing.
Also click on the other items on the blue bar for information. There's even one on CAREGIVER BURNOUT under CAREGIVER SUPPORT.
I do not mean to sound harsh or cold. I think you just need to realize that you are going to need your own health mentally as well as physically for many years yet. You need to recognize this so you can be okay with taking a respite to gather your sanity and strength. If she passes while you are away, it will not be your fault because you werent there. It will simply be her time. You need your respites and there should not be any feelings of guilt for it. You are human and IMO, you are amazing for what you are doing. Most people in this world would not do as much as you are. But you need your mind to stay sound and that means you need a break now and then.
And FreqFlyer is correct. Do not feel down that you get no thankyous. Likely she doesnt even fully understand what you are doing. But God sees it and that you can be assured of. :o)
if your grandmother could, if her brain could formulate the words and the thoughts, she would appreciate what you are doing for her. And I'm pretty sure she would hug you and say thank you herself.
I second the motion that you could sort of specialize in elder care and diseases. As the baby boomers age, we are going to need caring, loving people like yourself to help us navigate the end of life.
For your own sake, and your later peace of mind, it will be best not to simply walk out and leave her alone. Have you any dealings with a social worker -- for example, if your mother has been hospitalized? Call that person and seek advice how to arrange for some care before you leave. You might also call Adult Protection Services and explain that you have been caring for your mother but you are leaving by such-and-such a date, and there is no one else who will look after her.
It may feel like you are stuck. But you really can get unstuck and work toward a fulfilling life. Please, come back and tell us what you are going to do to get out of there!
Send out a mass email or call your siblings. Tell them that your health will not allow you to continue in the fulltime caregiving of your mother. Tell them that you will be needing to leave on "such and such date" and someone else needs to take over. Good luck and take care of yourself!
May I suggest you begin your own post so that it doesn't become lost at the tail end of this one.