You know, sometimes, more often than not, I have really good experiences with caregiving, not from the perspective of others doing anything to help because that is NEVER going to happen, and I learned that early on...but I have somewhat figured out how to cope for the most part with that...but normally I find myself kind of making a life for myself out of this current situation...even though it's a really reined in life, not doing anything, not going anywhere, not even buying myself anything....feeling guilty when I pay more than $1.00 for a bottle of shampoo...nonetheless I have almost strangely learned to do this and not complain....BUT THEN THERE ARE THE DAYS LIKE TODAY.. Dear Lord in heaven, it feels like someone pulled the rug out from under me, there is nothing on my body that does not hurt, there is nothing in me that does not want to cry, I am angry, I am hacked off (I'd rather use the other word for that but will try to refrain..) caring for someone who is completely and I do mean completely bed fast and totally unable to do anything for themselves today is doing me in...I am feeling resentful, sad, angry at everything and everybody...and I know it's just me and I'm having one of those days, but how can you go from having a relatively decent few weeks to just feeling like you want to go run outside and go screaming down the road...I feel like I'm going to have one of those "network" moments..."I'm mad as h*ll and I'm not going to take it anymore"......maybe it is the residual effects of being completely fixed up and ready to leave this past Suday, only to have my hopes at any outside activity totally dashed by a brother who could honestly give a damn about me...but comes dragging in that smart mouth brat grandaughter of his to mouth off at me ....I am so Pi$$ed. Today I am honestly lookin into a future that may never come and thinking to myself when this is behind me I am done with absolutely every single SOB who I thought I could count on and who left me to wither by the wayside.....they all know Mama will be taken care of because they know me...so it is ME they could give a damn about...that is what is finally hitting home....they KNOW that Mama is going to be WELL taken care of and so they have learned to not feel guilty for abandoning her....but they see me falling apart and they don't give a damn....boo hoo poor me, pity party...sorry guys...but today is one of those days.......I wish I had a punching bag. I could sure get in some good ones on a day like this....
Referring to SharonD post: Accepting and loving your current role in life.. I have a quote:
Tolerance, compromise, understanding, acceptance, patience - I want those all to be very sharp tools in my shed..
Enjoy the ice cream and movie. Today is supposed to be stormy here so movies are in my future.