Ungrateful parents that expect you to take care of them.
Every situation is different. In my story of life, (after loosing my father at 18... Fast forward 40 yrs) I had my mother move 1000 miles closer to me, so I could help her in her older years (my two brother's wouldn't help). Keep in mind she never fully understands how to survive.on her own, especially now that she is older and not technically or otherwise connected to do basic business. She hasn't driven in 10 yrs (thank God)... Vision, etc impairment. What really hurts me is her ungratefulness. She even goes out of her way to glorify my brothers... And, sys "I love everyone the same". After she has never stood up to me or even included me in family affairs. I am. Treated like I am a worthless piece of 'something'. I guess my question here is how does a child except that their parent doesn't 'like' them and that you'll never have the parent (or any parent) that has show any Love to them? I've supported myself since I was 15 (due to circumstances) and I have never felt loved or that I 'belong, (which is demonstrated by my mother and brothers). I have no close relationship with any of them (after trying and giving of myself for all these decades). The hurt is always there. How have you coped and accepted this?
1. Accept the fact that you did not make your ungrateful mother the way she is. Parents with personality disorders like narcissism are not capable of showing love. They are all self absorbed in to getting others to love them, but never show any real love in return like a healthy loving person would.
2. Accept the fact that no matter how much love you show her, she is not going to be fixed or changed into the mother that she never was. I see plenty of caregivers on this site who are wearing themselves down to the bone hoping if they just show enough sacrificial love that the parent will change into the person they have never been.
3. Morn the loss of the parent that you never had.
4. Be a good mother to yourself. In other words love yourself like a loving mother would love you.
5. Find yourself a therapist who can help you with the journey of steps 1-4.
It's not an easy journey, but it beats being stuck in a rut
I wish you the best as you seek to work through this mess. In the end, the only person you can really change or control is you. You must chose to put yourself on a healthier path than people like your mother are on and stay on it.
If you conclude you are better off without them...then change it. No one can walk on you if you won't lay down for them.
I hear you. I'm sorry for the pain your mother and brothers have caused you. I know you have tried to be the dutiful and caring daughter. And I know it can be a very thankless job. As caregivers we are looking for validation and acknowledgement. Give us something. We are only human beings.
I know its hard to accept but sometimes we just can't get a blood from a stone. We can't turn a giraffe into a monkey and vice versa. And we can say how ungrateful and unfair the situation is, but people will just keep taking from us unless we decide we've had enough.
I've been a people pleaser my whole life. I put everyone ahead of myself. I constantly think about what to do for others. I try and try and try. Being my dad's caregiver I did the same thing. But the last year of his life, I was burned out. I was very angry and resentful. In hindsight, I should have never let it get that far. I hope you will step back and try to give yourself a break. If your mother is ungrateful, try to make the choice that is best for you. And let someone else take care of her. I know everything is easier said than done. But for your own well being, I would take a serious look at all the options. I wish I did because I spent too much time being angry.
Thinking of you. Sending you hugs.