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I don't feel good tonight. there is a big problem going on in my family I can't handle it i'm too tired to write about what going on. gist is there is a big family party coming up at my sisters and she didn't tell me about it beforehand and I am supposed to go but I can't because I feel too threatened by her husband and kid who are all against me. there is more to it... I am just oo tired to go into it more now. I want to give up. she organized this party behind my back knowing that it would be h*ll for me to attend. if I don't though whole extended family will think I am an a**hole because they don't know what is going on behind the scenes in my family. I have to decide in the next 24 hours if I am going to go. she got me real good on this one. so devious. I hate her. my brother will also be there and I haven't seen him in 20 years and last time I saw him he physically assaulted me which she also knows. I probably won't go and then everyone will think I am an a**hole and a coward but they don't know what is going on and it's not appropriate to tell them. this is all too much for me. I can't handle my mom bringing by b*tch sister back into my life. and my mom doesn't give sh*t about how awful my sister is. sorry for the cussing. my therapist isn't available in time to talk to about this. arrrhhggg.

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p.s. what would you do? do you think I should go to the party and try to make the best of it or just skip it. there's more too it, I'm supposed to go because relatives from out of town are coming in who no one has seen for a long time and that's why it would be incredibly rude of me not to attend. I have nothing against them but my sister set it up so I have to deal with her and her posse to come to the party. she just set this up without telling anyone beforehand, even my mom who is the sister to the relative who is coming in. it should have been my mom's call what we do as a family for this visit not my sisters and she should have at least talked to my mom about it before making plans.
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please help me. I feel very threatened and alone. I feel like the people around me are crushing me.
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Make the best decision for you, and only you know what that is.
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I don't think it's fair to me to be in the high pressure of a situation. I NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE AND CARE FOR ME, NOT BE THREATENING and cruel. there is a point where I don't want to be here anymore and i'm getting near it. MY FAMILY IS GARBAGE. I HATE ALL OF THEM. why don't I ever get to have one person in my life who genuinely cares about me and will support me. I am not going to kill myself but I don't want my mother here anymore. she keeps bringing that horrible witch around here. I don't deserve that.
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1) Don't go to the party. Too much negative there.
2) Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Do what is best for you.
3) What is happening in your efforts to get Mom out of your house? That is your most important mission right now.
4) When is the next time you see your counselor? Make notes about these stress episodes to discuss then.

Hang in there.
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There will be other parties or events where you may feel more comfortable in going to when you feel the time is right. Doesn't sound like the time is right, so think about something else that works for you at that time. Don't worry about not going to the party. Parties only last for a day or so, and then people go onto the next week. yea, big family or social events, trying to get everyone together is typically a stressful social event that you have to expend a lot of energy pleasing other people you either do not share their opinions or make the most of it. People ask a lot of questions a lot of times and it can put you off your game a bit, on the defensive, so stay on offense and spend the time doing something you like to do. Most people don't like to go to parties or events where they don't seem like they will be that much fun. Go watch a new movie, read a new book or spend the time learning something new. Make yourself a priority.
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Absolutely not! You cannot go, never to a place where there will be people toxic to you or where someone is who had assaulted you!
The information you have presented here is enough to be able to tell that you would be putting yourself in harms way. Your R.S.V.P. could look like this:

"Absolutely cannot attend, have made other plans."

NFD: means no further details.

No, you will not be going. If you see your therapist before going, ask him/her to lock you up on a 5150 hold to prevent you from making this mistake.
OR, You can proudly go in and report that you did not go, thereby taking the huge step towards getting well on your own! With a little help from your secret forum friends.

Ok Annabelle?
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Annabelle, I have a toxic sister. She just recently e-mailed the family suggesting we get together for Lunch. I decided last time I was in her company that being in her presence is not good for me and chose to completely ignore her invitation. From what I gather everyone else has as well. You need to do what is best for you and your mental health Annabelle. Concentrate on that person between your ears! YOU! Who cares what they think.

There is something I heard once that is so true. It goes something like this.

-When we are in our twenties we worry about what people are thinking about us.
-When we are in our thirties and forties, we don't care what people think about us.
-In our fifties and beyond, we realize no one was thinking about us at all.

Also, when we think someone is giving us a dirty look, they are probably just constipated. :)
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Dear Annabelle,
In the future, you can say:
"I have had thoughts of suicide in the past, but would never act upon it."
That way, everytime you have a thought, you will not be making a suicide threat, but instead just describing how desperate you have felt, then putting those thoughts aside,
you can talk about the hurt and anger without putting your therapist on high alert-wasting a lot of therapy time designed to help you.

Of course, if you had thoughts of actually hurting yourself or others, then you must say so to your therapist or other health professional in real-time, not on this forum, which is in cyber-space.
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Do you want to know what I think?
I think you are worth it!
Worth having a good life, starting now, not even waiting
for things to clear up.

Put each hand on your opposite shoulder, now pat, pat, pat, squeeze.
Say: " I am worth it"

That is the only way I know to give you a hug from here.
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Why would you want to be around a bunch of a$$holes like that?

"Sorry, I have plans" is all the information you need give.

Hope you've arranged for someone to pick up mom to take her to this event!
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I would not go. I would contact the family members coming from far...ask them to stop by your place for an afternoon. Just tell them that the family gathering came at a really bad time and you were not consulted before hand....but, you would love to see them.

Do not extend that invite to sister or brother.

You need to stay away from toxic people .. for your own health!
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I wouldn't make the arrangements for Mother's transportation. She can do that herself. Or Sister can. Not your Circus, not your monkeys!

Is there somewhere you can go that day? Ice cream parlor? Movie theater? Local public garden?
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i agree with Katiekate, extend a separate invite to the out of town relatives. Mom needs transportation to the event & since sister planned it I think she should figure that out. If she doesn't mom doesn't go because you don't need or have to be there. If family can't see you at another time then you did your part & it's their loss. If they can see you & sis excludes mom because of the transportation then they get to see mom anyway. Take care of you because you matter, remember mom lived her life you need the same opportunity.
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Annabelle you are crossing so many bridges so long before you get to them I don't know where to start.

So your uncle is coming to town. Lovely! Send him an email or even better call him and say you and your mother would love to see him if he has time to drop in. Make or buy a cake. It'll be fun.

Have you even been invited to your sister's ghastly bun-fight yet? Or is it still just an ugly rumour?

Either way, you do not have to be there. And seeing how distressed you are by the mere thought of it I should think it strongly advisable for you not to go. Make your mind up to that: not going. You should find it quite a relief.

So, supposing "people" ask why you're not there. Well, your sister and brother no doubt will make snide remarks. But remember this and take it to heart: they can say what they like, it doesn't mean they will be believed. Why are you so certain that the extended family will disapprove of your choice? How do you know they won't hear your siblings' poisonous comments and privately be thinking "well I'm not surprised she didn't want to come"?

Next, suppose that your mother is invited separately and rushes off to get her hair done for it. Well, just as it's your reasonable choice not to go, it can be her choice to accept and enjoy it. You still don't have to go. If she would like to, that's fine. She needs to tell your sister that she will need to be collected; or if it's not too far to go you can arrange a cab for her. You could even consider putting on a chauffeur's cap and driving her there yourself, as long as you're confident you can turn right round and come straight home again - but I think that might require firmer boundaries than you've got set up just yet, no?

Lean heavily on the old Civil Service mantra "never apologise, never explain." You receive an invitation. You decline it, because not replying at all would be bad manners and you are not rude. But you do not have to apologise, you owe nobody any explanation, and there is no reason on earth for your out-of-town relatives to take it as a slight.

Finally, get a bit of proportion about what your sister's done, here. You're not on speaking terms, so you can't really be surprised that she didn't ring you to chat through her plans. She's organised a party at her house, in honour of her uncle's visit. Is that really so villainous? Clearly, you are virtually allergic to anything that has a whiff of your sister about it; and my goodness I can relate to that (I went no-contact over a year ago); but do not start thinking that attacking you is her only possible motive for anything she does because that a) is a bit crazy and b) will only make you feel more threatened. QED.

Your sister is not more powerful than you. Your sister cannot hurt you. Take deep breaths, feel better, and hugs to you.
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Annabelle, just sent you a message before seeing this. It doesn't seem rude for you not to be there and you won't seem like an a--hole. Your sister was rude for not telling you about all of this in advance, or for asking you how you felt about it. Maybe your extended family has some sense of what things are like; they shouldn't fault you for being absent. (Like the rest of the ladies said, you can always try to set up something with just you and your extended family, or just get in touch with them once they get home.)

It really is too bad that your brother will be there and that it's you who has to feel uncomfortable. It is healthy that you don't want to be there though - not selfish or rude, just smart.
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Annabelle,
I agree with the advice you have been given above. Why put yourself in an uncomfortable situation? Your Mom will be out of the house for awhile if she goes to the party. Yaaay! You can relax and enjoy your day!
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I know you long for love and long be  be loved. I hope you are working with your counselor to find self love and self respect. For those of us with dysfunctional families, our lives are pretty much a mess until we set boundaries, detach, and quit looking for love, respect and support from these messed up people.
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Annabelle- don't you have bigger things to deal with than becoming spun up about a party? In your post heading you say "can't handle it". So don't go.

Drop your mother off, telling her to get a ride back. Then go home and get some sleep.

Better yet, go home and write up your action plan. Cause best I can tell you still don't have one. You've been posting for over two months and honestly? Except for the date - the posts are all interchangeable. You're tired, no one loves you, you hate your mother but most of all - you hate your sister. Got it. What are you doing to make you're situation more tolerable?

You've been given a ton of good advice. Ways to see about moving your mother out - and if that seems impossible to you - ways to help yourself.

You want someone to love you - all the while spewing hate, anger and bitterness. You will find love when you become open to it. In the mean time - nothing will change until you change it.

So go ahead and send some of that anger my way - as you have when I tell you something you don't want to hear. I can take it. Maybe you'll get mad enough to actually do something to make yourself and your well-being a priority.
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The old Civil Service mantra "never apologise, never explain." ....... well well, that's my in-laws' mantra, too!

Sorry. Just trying to lighten things up.

Don't go. Everyone else gave excellent advice be about comportment and MomTaxi.

Follow what these fine folks said, and you'll be fine.

Mom, jerk sis, sociopath bro and the rest of the DNA pool will also be fine.

Don't overthink it.
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I am so happy to have been enlightened to the Civil Service Mantra. My husband is not a Civil Servant but apparently he thinks he is!!!!
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thx guys for taking the time to respond to my ongoing saga of angst and frustration. sounds like the general consensus is not to go and I think that's good advice. aside from everything else I'm exhausted and this is my one day off to rest. my sister doesn't work at a regular job and has lots of free time, I desperately need my day off for rest and can maybe get together with the visitors after work for dinner. I want to honor my aunt and uncle by going but I guess they will have to understand that it's not something I can do right now and it has nothing to do with them. it's sad, this shouldn't have to be this way, I kind of want to go just to get out and have a nice time but the reality is not that... i'm really tired. need to go to bed. yea, i think it's all about putting myself and my needs first. i don't do that enough. counselling is in 2 weeks i think. long way off. it must be so nice to just have one relationship that is good and supportive. i don't know what that is like anymore. maybe i never did.
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I thought this was a safe place to express my feelings and most of the comments are kind and supportive but there are a couple that are not saying I keep complaining about the same things and why don't I make an action plan etc ... those kind of comments are not helpful and in fact make me feel it's not safe for me to post here you ha e no idea how hard I'm trying and what I do every day keep your ignorance and mean spirited comments to yourself
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Middle of night exhausted why are people so mean and ignorant can't trust anyone
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Annabelle, call your counsellor's office and see if a colleague can see you in the interim, before your appointment in two weeks' time.

The reason I think you need to do this is that first you say you appreciate people's comments. But then what's keeping you awake five hours later is the tiny number you weren't so happy with.

I do sympathise. I've been there many times over the years, eyes popping open over some side issue that I can't change and can't let go. But this is incredibly bad for you, so don't wait - call that office and ask, as soon as you can.
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I wasn't up because of the comments and she doesnt have a colleague filling in
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Sorry, where do u all get the info that she is taking care of her Mom and wants to get rid of her? All I saw and read is she takes care of someone. I have had this problem before understanding where the info comes from.
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Sorry u can't contact ur therapist because u really need them. If going to your sisters puts this much stress on you then don't go. If Mom lives with u, have someone pick her up. If asked why ur not attending tell them the dynamics of ur family are such you don't feel comfortable going. Ask your Uncle to go out to lunch or dinner with you and Mom. If u want, explain you are unable to attend the party because of an anxiety problem u suffer from and have a problem with crowds.
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A question, does Mom live with you or u with her? If so, maybe its time for someone else to care for Mom and if ur home she moves out, her home, you move out. If this can be accomplished, than distance yourself from family. Change ur phone no., get a PO box for mail. Ur therapist can help u here. Then maybe you will have the space to learn why u allow these people to treat u like this. From there u can learn how to be a stronger person and deal better with this negativity.
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Thx Joann I like referring to family dynamics as you suggest instead of it seeming like I'm just being rude I'd actually really like to go if most of the people there weren't so awful to me but I'm not going someone is picking my mom up I am going to rest I don't feel well at all my job is brutal and lon g hours
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