Update on Mark's care plans.
So, found out yesterday Mark and his nephew have been doing some scheming behind my back. Mark decided to go live with Robert (the nephew) and Mark will use his disability check to cover his living expenses. This is supposed to happen after he gets out of rehab. Mark believes in two months he will be able to be mobile enough to get into a wheelchair by himself and go use the toilet. Right now he needs assistance rolling over and to be put into a wheelchair. He will be paying his nephew to renovate a room. Even though Mark is still on our lease, he refuses to help me pay bills saying "I don't live there anymore, I don't owe you anything." He is demanding that he keep Babygirl. His nephew will not take care of her properly and Mark will not be able to.
I am paying the nephew now to help drive me to work from the payment we were making on our car. The nephew says this is not enough money. The nephew will not help me pay any bills and gets drunk off his butt. I would be fine with Mark wanting to move in with Robert, except I hate to think that he would be wallowing in his own waste because Robert will not change him (he was bedridden before and he wouldn't do it and Mark's daughter was alive and doing it) or help shower him. I told Mark we could proceed with the divorce and he could get Medicaid, but he blew up stating he doesn't want to be in a crappy nursing home.
74 Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Is there anything I can do to get my husband to set boundaries with his abusive mother, or walk away and let her go to assisted living?
- Can you find me an elder care attorney?
- Should I fight for my father who is in declining health to live with me, or let aunt continue to care for him? Her husband also had stroke.
- Dealing with fighting adult siblings over care of mother. Any advice, any experience?
Tell him he can take you to court over it but the animals are going with you. I would stop visiting him as much at the hospital - go once or twice a week tops and take an Uber.
Do you know have a drivers license? It may be time to take some driving courses and learn.
And yes go ahead with the divorce - if he is not a contributor to the bills, etc then he is not in your marriage anyway. Good luck.
The best outcome sadly is that he never makes any progress with getting into a wheelchair and gets transferred from the hospital straight to a nursing home.
I am so sorry. What a difficult situation to be in.
Start planning for your future. You know that you cannot control what others do but you can take steps to ensure what is best for you.
Sending hugs your way.
Mark is being more hateful towards me lately saying I treat him like trash when he gets sick. I wanted the divorce so he could qualify for Medicaid so he could be treated in a facility with care because I am worried he won't be cared for with Robert. I know he got angry because I said I couldn't care for him anymore and work. I am not saying that to be mean, but my mental and physical health could not handle it. Mark has decided to break his dialysis by eating candy bars and drinking Dr. Pepper. It is his body, but I will not contribute to his destructive behavior.
I would let the hospital social worker know your concerns about where Mark will be going to if and when he is discharged, and that it will be an "unsafe discharge."
And then you get on with filing for that divorce(sooner than later)and move on.
I would even stop going to visit Mark as he seems to have moved on, so so should you. It's not like you're going to reconcile or anything, so by continuing to visit, you just prolong the inevitable.
It's time to cut the dysfunctional ties!
You’re not alone! Many men are extremely deceptive. They are so sweet early on. In time, their true colors come through.
My cousin married a horrible man. In the beginning though, he love bombed her. That’s how they entice women to marry them.
My cousin had to take her ex to court to get him to pay child support. She told him that children were not like houseplants, they needed more than sunshine and water to survive! 😝
DO NOT DELAY IN THIS.
I do not blame him for not wanting to be in a nursing home.
But the nephew has no idea what he is doing here and no idea what he will be responsible for.
Please ask the social workers to discuss with Mark and Nephew together.
Meanwhile and AT ONCE go to a divorce attorney and begin action for legal separation.
If you are legal POA, after visiting attorney I would find out how best to resign that. Mark will lose everything to this nephew at worst, and at best end in care when the nephew can't take care of this.
See a social worker. See an attorney. TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS AND DON'T DELAY A SECOND.
Doggie Mom you recently said that some doctors are now questioning Marks mental acuity. If you are his POA and you question it as well and you wish to be in charge (why WOULD YOU?) then you can go for guardianship. A social worker may be able to get you temporary guardianship. But otherwise you need to save yourself while you can. It is impossible to take care of someone demented and/or who doesn't want your care. You recently told us of your stress and anxiety disorders. You don't need this.
Gather paperwork to take to the attorney appointment, such as the lease, proof of marriage, copies of bills, checkbook and so on. Make sure that Mark and Robert have no access to where these papers are kept. If they're in your home, hide them in case they send someone looking for them. Get a safe deposit box and put bills, paperwork, money and jewelry in it. Open your own bank account. You can empty your joint bank accounts if you wish; joint means the money belongs to both of you. It's advisable to take the money now or Mark might beat you to the punch. If ordered by the court in a settlement plan, you can give back what you must.
Tell the attorney that Mark is planning to pay for a room renovation at his nephew's. Maybe that expenditure can be frozen until an equitable division of money and property can be reached. That's a good reason for you to file for divorce immediately, like tomorrow. At that point Mark can be court-prohibited from weaseling away assets in order to hide them. As for the dog, Mark can't take care of it, he's too sick and may die soon anyway. That point needs to be considered and dealt with in the settlement.
You're telling us that you don't want Robert to mistreat Mark and that you're worried that Mark won't be comfortable. This is a wife concerned for her husband. Based on your decision to divorce and on Mark's hostility and sneakiness toward you, it's time to stop thinking as his wife. Realize that you need to protect yourself because no one else will. Mark is not your friend. Robert isn't either. Your responsibility as a wife is almost over.
Cut off all contact with Mark because anything he observes or that you do or say could be used against you. From now on, he is entitled to no conversation, no help, no advice, no nothing from you. Declare that all contact with you should be through your attorney and don't waver from that. This will save you a lot of grief as things progress. Block Mark on your phone.
Ask the attorney about preparing the filing as soon as possible and serving divorce papers to Mark as a complete surprise. Not only does this save you from back-and-forth unproductive conversation in negotiating with Mark, but it gives you a psychological advantage in the proceedings. If he's gobsmacked, you have the upper hand.
Find another ride to work. Robert is not your friend.
I hope you stay strong and can get out of this impossible situation ASAP. Good luck in finding the legal help you need.
I know my responsibility as a wife is over, I had hoped I could be a friend to him, but at this point it looks like it won't even amount to that. I will be cordial and polite but not overly friendly. I will let the social worker know my concerns.
When the words do not match the behavior, you go by the behavior. You are already separated, a divorce is necessary to protect your assets. Mark may have to pay you support.
Get an attorney now. The nephew is interfering in your marital finances and assets. Disassociate yourself from nephew now. Do not use him to drive you,
make your own arrangements. Your attorney may advise you to not tell him anything, and not to talk to him.
Open your own checking account. Transfer some money to yourself, any way you need to do. Hurry.
Yes, I agree, put a credit freeze on your credit. Close any credit accounts that are open without a balance. You are starting over. Maybe open a credit card in only your name, with your new P.O. Box address.
Note: You would have had to do these things whether it is because of dementia only or a divorce only. It sounds like your story is a dementia story, because that is how your husband is acting, whether or not it is motivated by malice towards you.
People say it is because the brain is broken. It's maybe not him, it's the disease. With the nephew inserting himself into the marital finances and influencing your husband, you cannot survive unless you close that down and save yourself.
I know someone who is in the stage where one day, people are their friend, and the next day, their complete enemy. The next day, the person does not recall the fight, the black-out, or anything they said or planned. This scenario is dangerous for you and your own survival if Mark should side with you again.
It is a vicious cycle and a legal liability.
Sorry for your struggles and challenges.
With your husband's critical care needs, should he be on hospice?
Should you have had "rep-payee" for receipt of his SS funds? (To be spent only on his needs?) The responsibility to be his rep-payee cannot just be ignored, until your husband transfers this to someone else.
In the meantime, if you are rep-payee, you may be able to refuse to pay rent at the nephew's house. Don't be an April fool, got it? See your attorney about this.
Do you have your own income?
In the meantime, leave any bank that tells you that you cannot do what you need to do. Opening an account at a credit union or smaller community bank could be an option for you. Credit is often offered when a new account is opened.
Freeze both your credit and Mark's credit, as debt while you are married will follow you both.
Are you 61, or is your husband? (your profile).
You don't have to answer me, it's okay.
Mark doesn't deserve your friendship, and there's is no cordial and polite when you've gone no contact. In your case, with his threatening you and nephew churning the waters, no contact is the only way.
I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. Save yourself ASAP.
Robert will have a hard time convincing APS he is a qualified caregiver for Mark if he plans to take a vulnerable disabled elder's money to enhance his own home with a remodel/renovation.
Maybe they both will be doing some hard time for fraud?
I am glad that you don’t have any misguided compassion for Mark.
People usually experience a great deal of hurt before they realize that they cannot continue on with a marriage.
You are making the best decision considering your circumstances.
I wish you peace and healing as you go through this difficult time.
Please open your own checking account. It doesn't need to be at your current bank. If your paycheck goes automatically into any account then the bank where you open your new account can arrange that. Keep this money in your name only with POD to anyone you choose. You need to transfer your finances before Nephew gets a well written POA and freezes your accounts that have Mark's name on them.
You need to act FAST, DoggieMom. You need to act fast for your financial future.
So sorry that Mark is in the ICU. It’s stressful. Know that we are with you during this difficult time.
I am suspicious of whether his nephew is really doing this or just draining money from Mark and I am angry that someone who claims to have loved me for 15 years is now kind of in a "well, forget you" state of mind.