I'm very angry today. I'm being used by family.
went to a counsellor today. she agreed that I am being used by my family. got in fight with mom today because she won't acknowledge how sh*tty my sister treats me and doesn't care. once again, my sister wouldn't be in my life except that my mom is staying with me after her stroke and sister wants to come over at her convenience. question: so a couple of days ago my sister announced to my mom that she wants to come over at 6pm tomorrow night and my mom said she would have to ask if that would work for me. mom didn't ask and then sister wrote her and said she is coming over at that time. didn't ask if it was ok with me, if I would be busy or whatever but sister only comes over here when she is already in town for something else and it has to be extremely convenient for her or she won't do it at all. this is not such a big deal in the scheme of things but it really p*ssed me off because it's just one more way she has disrespected me.. her schedule is extremely important and mine doesn't matter at all. I got really mad and told my mom that I wouldn't be available because I am sick and tired of being used as some kind of hotel/servant to my family. I hate my sister sooooo much it's almost unbearable. I don't want her over here at all any more. but my mom is staying here. there is nowhere else for her to go at this point. she could stay at my sisters but she doesn't want her over there. I am so. sick. and. tired. of. being USED. tried to do the right thing by my mom and my wonderful family is just walking all over me. counsellor agreed it's a tricky situation. I think I have just about had it with my sister and her treating me like sh*t. sorry for the cussing. I am really really mad. I think going to the counsellor made me even more angry. no one in my family cares about me. they are all looking out for themselves. no one cares about me. I am all alone. why should sticking up for myself mean being cut off from people...? I don't know but if I ever try to stick up for myself, I am just met with anger and rejection. my horrible sister is now ruining my one relationship that I thought was good. the one with mom. i just can't win.
I saw ur second post. I know what you mean by finally sticking up for yourself. What u may want to do is ask your therapist how you can do it without getting angry. Because, if like me, your come back when ur are angry. It's going to be hard because you have been layed back to this point so sister is used to u not fighting back and then when u do everyone looks at u like "u" have lost it. Been there. You say Mom is staying with you. Hope it's temporary. If so, you need to be able to tell everyone this. That everyone is going to help in her care. Are you married? Work?
You hate your sister. Why put yourself in a position to see her at all? And if that makes Mom mad, well, so what? Let her be mad.
If your sister can ruin your relationship with your mother, that doesn't really say much about your mother's concern for you, does it?
It sounds like you are a lot more sensitive than your sister, and that you have a hard time putting your foot down because you are afraid of hurting others (but it is at the expense of your own well-being.) The thing I am learning is that people can "take it." A really kind, sensitive person will generally not put you in a position where you need to put your foot down. It is insensitive people who are more likely to put you in a bad position, so they should be able to handle it when you say "No this doesn't work for me."
It also helps to have in mind what you want. If you can say to your sister, "That's really short notice, could you come by Sunday instead?" or "It would be a lot of help if you could take mom out for a couple hours" it might allow you to feel more control than just reacting to what she hands you. (Speaking from personal experience as someone who finds it difficult to be assertive.)
I am sorry you are in this position. Things will work out but it will probably take a little time to figure things out.
One last thing: If your mom has a history of treating you this way then it's really good that you are facing it. But if it's a newer thing, it might just be that because of her stroke or "age-related decline", she gets overwhelmed by bigger emotions around her and doesn't have the tools to talk through things like she might have before. I know as my grandpa developed dementia he would get really overwhelmed by any conflict and had zero interest in anything anyone less was upset about. Just wanted to mention that in case your mom used to be more supportive.
1. What are mom's impairments, physical and Mental? Has she had a full cognitive workup ( not just a minim entail exam)? Is she possibly suffering from vascular dementia from the stroke.?
2. You feel like you are being used by your family. Did they make you take care of mom, or did you volunteer, not realizing what mom's impairments Were? It feels me as though you are expending a lot of energy being angry. Perhaps you need instead to be grieving the person ( your mom) who no longer has the same personality and capacity she formerly did.
3. You need for mom to have an assessment of what her needs are. How much assistance, etc. Can she be left safely at home while you work? Can she make a simple meal? Toilet herself?
4. You say she can't open doors. That is a red flag; could she get out in a fire? If you replaced knows with levers, could she manage Those?
5. Is mom content living with you, or would she rather be elsewhere?
Annabelle, I'm so glad that you're seeing a counselor. You seem to be a jumble of emotions right now, and I hope you can get mom's needs and yours sorted out. And that you can stop being so angry.
If u want to divorce your sister, do so. You can't keep her away from mom unless she stirs up trouble.
Empower yourself. Stop the visits, change course and drive mom over to visit or stay with sister. No excuses, leave mom there a few days. Take the time for yourself.
If that isn't possible, have sister come and take mom on regular outings for her visit.
You don't like your sister, you are allowing her to anger you and reacting to her judgement . LET GO and change your reaction to her. Only you can stop her letting you feel like sh*t or treating you like shit. It's ok to to tell her you don't like her making you feel that way and will no longer tolerate the behavior. Make her step up and take on some of moms care and you get ahold of yourself and have a life.
I sense your anger is partly sister, but a lot of it frustration in caregiving and lacking control --which unfortunately goes with the territory of caregiving.
You absolutely need to reach out to others so we can help each other.
The finally straw for me was when I was the only one to assist my mentally ill sister for three years. My mother never was there to support me, but just caused trouble between my sister and me. In fact I finally realized that my mother always caused trouble between me and my sisters. I finally read an article about narcissists and it was eye opening, I suddenly saw that my mother and two sisters were narcisssists. It was like the clouds opened up and the sun came out. It wasn't me, it was them. Nothing I did was ever going to be appreciated. In fact dispite all that I did for my family I was only criticized and treated like crap.
The stress of trying to deal with my family finally made a dormant Lyme Disease infection to start affecting me. Because of this illness and several coinfections I have been homebound for almost three years. I finally stopped talking to my mother and sisters and while it was very hard emtionally, it was the best thing I have ever done.
I'm going to go out on a limb but based on my experience, I recommend that you find a new counselor who is trained in narcissism. It's a speciality that not all counselors have. Seeing someone who is trained in this area will help you set firm boundries with your family. It's not going to be easy but it is certainly necessary for your health and well being.
Please don't let this go on until you get sick yourself. They will never change and nothing you do for them will make it better. Please google narcissism and start reading up on it. There are many forums for it and facebook groups that are very helpful.
I wish you all the best. You are not alone in this as there are many people who have suffered as you are from narcissist.