I find it interesting that we end up as caregivers usually not by choice. We lose our careers, income and ability to make Money, we lose our love Life and ability to travel and grow and enjoy our lives. Is sacrificing ourselves for another life really that smart? I wonder about boundaries and the ability to rebuild my life again after 7 years of caregiving for 4 people. All of us have complained how hard this really is and why do we owe our lives to people who are going to die? Yes we love them and yes we may inherit something but the reality is most of us do not like caregiving. We do it out of a need to be socially acceptable and guilt free but is it really fair to us in the long run? I would like to hear from others who have done caregiving and when it’s over how do they feel?
Together we went through many health issues over the years, with me still working full-time and raising my 2 children, and trying to make the best out of what life had dealt us.
It wasn't until many years later when my husbands health really started taking a turn for the worse, and I was about at my wits end, that I realized that in fact I was a caregiver and had been all those many years.
But I was in it for the long haul. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to, and also because I took my wedding vows seriously.
And yes it was very hard. The hardest job I've ever done actually, but I would do it all over again if I had to for the man I loved.
My husband died Sept. 2020 of vascular dementia, and at first I was quite lost after his death, and spent a good while wandering around my house wondering what it was I was now supposed to be doing. But slowly I began to find myself again and started to create a new life that brought me joy.
Now I am busier than ever doing things that I enjoy and spending time with family and friends.
And I've even reconnected with a gentleman that I dated back in 1989, and have found love again. So yes, there is life after caregiving. You just have to be willing to do the work to make it happen.
I am working on becoming independant BEFORE my mom dies so she could experience life milestones like my wedding
How many people come to this board freaking out because their elder has just died and they realize they have NOTHING. They are homeless and used up all their savings on living expenses while caregiving. Doesn't anyone think about this before committing to caregiving?
Finding time for self is important to your well-being; that's why having help is vital. NOTHING doesn't have to be at the end of caregiving. Self-care includes planning for your future. I know I'm not the only caregiver working at building a small business (home-based, of course).
But if post-caregiving with nothing for yourself IS where you are, look ahead to:
~ friendships rekindled and new,
~ trips short or long for a change of scenery,
~ the joy of learning something new, just because or for revenue (check MassHire JobQuest, your State's employment and job training site. AARP Skills Builder for Work may be another option),
~ the peace of mind that can come from coming to terms with your feelings of resentment over time/opps lost while caring for others
As long as you're alive, there's time to reinvent yourself. Michelangelo, Georgia O'Keefe, Hubert Jones, Stan Lee, and Julia Child all have in common that they hit their peak past the age of 40 (Jones was nearly 70 when he founded the Boston Children's Chorus).
I wish you every success as you catch your second wind.
I'll leave it to others to decide for themselves whether it's fair or not to take care of elders (for myself, I thought it should be done), but I will say that I think it's unfair to have one sibling to everyone's share, and get nothing but grief and criticism from those siblings who do nothing.
"My sister recently took my father to California without warning 3 weeks ago. I have not had a break in 2 and a half years and have been caring for him and other relatives for the past 7 years. Suddenly I realize I have no friends, no income, have not traveled and do not have a boyfriend. I have lived with my father for 10 years taking care of his properties and rentals. I do not own anything either but a 20 year old car. "
OP: I think your question is great. I don’t know the answer, since I’m in the middle of caregiving, like many of us are.
My guess is looking back, I’ll be proud of all I did to help - I’ll also be upset, because many circumstances were unfair.
One thing I wish I would stop doing is, comfort eating. It doesn’t help the stress I’m going through, and yet I keep doing it.
OP you said:
“We lose our careers, income and ability to make Money, we lose our love Life and ability to travel and grow and enjoy our lives.”
I agree.
The negative list varies from person to person, but more or less, it’s as you say.
And I’m making it worse, by comfort eating. I hope one day to write here: I finally stopped doing that. I started the bad habit years ago. Must stop it.
Why? Ask yourself if your caregiving ends tomorrow what will you do?
Do you have friends, family to rely on?
Do you have plans, hobbies, things you can do to alleviate potential devastation from losing LO?
Financially, are you taking care of your financial health today?
Plan what if, possibilities for different scenarios.
Don’t leave yourself out, put yourself first.
With unapologetic selfishness, what I read and know about caregiving and horrible stories I read on this forum, I am just as important.
After my loved ones passed on, I found it hard to get on with my life. I just wish that I was a little more selfish that would have helped me to thrive for myself. Right now, I'm fighting Covid and I wish that I had someone to care give me for a change.