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After dealing with my own aging parents and now seeing friends dealing with the same issues, I started asking family and friends this question, especially couples. Have they made plans for one or the other dying early? What if one becomes disabled or mentally incapacitated? Have they considered placement in a facility for one or the other? Are they planning to relocate? Have you made your funeral plans known? Do you have all the legal documents completed? Do you have POA, will, MedPOA, DNR? Have you discussed this with your children?


I was shocked to hear that no one, ages 50-60, has made plans other than aging in place and apparently not dying. All are expecting their children to take care of them! Even after all the issues dealing with their parents they don’t seem to consider it might happen to them and what impact it will have on them.


So, I am curious, given all the problems and difficulties people come to this forum with - has this prompted YOU to make these decisions and discussed them with the relevant people?


I am 67, single with no children. I had all my documents updated this year including appointing a young friend as executor. My plans include moving to a senior friendly home/condo within 5 years and vetting AL facilities for the next move. I am also looking into establishing a guardianship relationship so if I become mentally disabled there will be someone to make decisions for me. My will spells out my funeral plans.

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Great question Frances!
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This question has been asked several times on this forum. I recommend you move this to Discussions (since this is what it is), and then use the search function to see prior threads. Search similar to: "what plans have you made for your own aging care" etc. and a lot from other contributors on this forum will come up.

"I was shocked to hear that no one, ages 50-60, have made plans other than aging in place and apparently not dying. All are expecting their children to take care of them! Even after all the issues dealing with their parents they don’t seem to consider it might happen to them and what impact it will have on them." Yup, this is sadly the chronic denial problem (or naivety?) that keeps people creating disasters for themselves and their LOs.
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Have Long term care insurance and my assets to take care of me. I have no children and wouldnt want them to if I had any. I think everyone should have a plan. My parents didn’t and now we are scrambling to get Mom help for assisted living. My dad passed quickly so no need for extended care. People are living well into their 90s!’
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A. Age in place - the right size to stay independent. So for me that means a home that meets my needs but can be managed ourselves/by one of us. In a town of the right size to have amenities, activities & medical services. (No interest in keeping a grand home I need others to run, or the city if I feel unsafe/worried/unfit to navigate around in it or a quiet country spot if it lacks services meaning long commute to a bigger city). Fussy? Yep!

B. Move into IL or AL when needed - if affordable! Otherwise, it's back to choice A & struggle on stubbornly!

C. Care home (NH). Make the best of it.

D. Demise

Have ALL paperwork & legal in order within next few years. Would do now but Mr WeDon't NeedToDoThatYetDoWe? Sigh. So next big birthday I will force it.

Zero plans for kids to do for us.
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Moved into an accessible coop apartment when I was 50. Elevators, porters, handymen on staff. No shovelling, raking etc., required.

Saved prodigiously for retirement and we are now in the "active retirement" (travel, hobbies) phase. My assets should allow us to self-fund facility care.

Kids know not to expect inheritence or caregiving duties except possibly accompaniment to med appointments when our judgement goes.

Wills, DPOAs and HCPs in place. I am visiting an eldercare attorney next month to discuss whether I need a trust.

There is a great little book called "5 at 55" that explains the 5 dicuments you need to complete at age 55. This includes a list of all your passwords.
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At 57 I am living in a single-level ranch house beside my nephew's house with no yard work responsibilities; just occasional kid-sitting and chauffeur duties. I plan on staying here for another 5-10 years. When the youngest grand-nephew graduates high school I will be moving to an assisted living ranch condo I am currently renting out. At the 2BD 2BA AL condo, I can add services I need, like medication management, housekeeping, meal prep, and check-ins. With a little luck, I can stay there for the rest of my life. It's near a popular section of town, so there are restaurants and shopping all around and uber transportation too. The town has vans for the senior center and a service for senior assistance transportation (walker and wheelchair). Even though I am the youngest person there, I have started joining the seniors on card afternoons; I even got my 67-year-old brother to join me! Our family loved playing cards on Sunday afternoons but we have problems finding 4 who aren't too busy these days. Three mornings a week, I participate in a water exercise class.

I have all my documents in place. One of my older brothers has my primary POA and the combination to my safe where he can find all the documents and passwords he will need. The successor POAs are younger first cousins with no conflicts of interest. Everything I have left (if there is anything) goes to children's charities.

I have finally reached a point in life where I have no daily caregiving responsibilities - not to my grandparents or the family's children or my parents. I just need to help a dyslexic grand-nephew a bit. I'm still getting accustomed to that after my mother's death 3 months ago. I intend to raise a small garden and enjoy being in the church choir again, join CASA, and travel some (as long as health allows), taking a small travel trailer across the country to visit the people and sites I haven't had the time for previously. Maybe a grand-nephew or niece will join me for some of those trips.
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Frances, you should ask your friends what happens if their plan a predeceases them?

Our youngest daughter died unexpectedly at the age of 41 from a prescription drug interaction. Not that she was ever part of our plan but, I think her bio mom expected her to help.

I would also direct these people to this website and ask them if they really love their offspring why would they ever want to hijack their lives to prop them up? Selfish attitudes are what make adult offspring the plan.
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all paperwork in place, always saved as much money as possible. Money is key to a good retirement.SAVE SAVE SAVE
(3)
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My husband and I are 60, but we did all the usual paperwork back in our 40s when our kids were still quite small. We formed a trust, wills, POAs, advance medical directives, and instructions regarding our children's care if something should happen to us. We sent copies to my brother and his wife as they were the ones who would take the kids. Now that our kids are grown and our financial situation is quite different, we updated everything two years ago. Our son, who is the first successor trustee, has copies of all the paperwork.

The whole thing took a very short amount of time each time, and I can't understand why people won't don't do this. We only got my folks to get all their affairs in order in 2015, and my dad ended up dying just three years later. It would have been a complete train wreck had we not nagged him into doing it when we did, but instead, when he became ill and Mom already had early dementia, we were able to have them resign from their trust and allow me to take over immediately before either of them died. When Dad passed away just a month later, everything was seamless as I assumed caring for Mom.

The only thing we haven't done is make funeral arrangements. Neither of us really cares what happens to our remains, and my parents didn't either. I had a conversation with my dad about which cemetery he'd like to go to, but otherwise, I took care of everything and it wasn't a big deal. Same went for my mother, and I paid a third of what I paid for Dad, having learned that just cremation doesn't need to go through a fancy mortuary. A pre-paid funeral would have no doubt cost far more than necessary. We have plenty of funds to pay for our funerals when the time comes, and our son will have access to our accounts, so there's no reason to make a big deal about that in our case.
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I am slightly passed mid 60's
I have a Long Term Insurance that costs me dearly each year but I figure it is worth it.
Luckily the house that I found when our old house was no longer "safe" for my Husband (not handicap accessible and would have cost a fortune to adapt it and to make the repairs that were needed.) was built handicap accessible. Roll in shower, ranch home, no carpet, wide halls, wide doorways. Because of this I figure that I can remain here until "they" put a tag on my toe and haul me out feet first.
I am slowly but surely getting rid of "stuff" that I am sure no one wants. Problem is I have to get others to look through the old photos and to take the boxes of forgotten things that belong to them (kids! and their stuff)
A lot of this is what might be called a winter project. Bring a box of stuff up from the basement and go through it and toss most of it. Plan on a box a week. (best laid plans...)
I do have to get my Will done again. Much of it is outdated since my Husband died.
I do have POA for Health selected. I have POA for financial selected.
I do not have a POLST signed by my doctor but my sister (POA for health) is aware of my wishes. POLST will probably get done during my next appointment.
Funeral plans are written out for both POA for Health and the POA for finance.
I will probably look into prepaying that some time in the near future. That way there will be no plans that any one has to decide on and the money will already been taken care of.
Important papers are in a safe and my sister knows the combination.


@ Frances73....might want to also have funeral plans written out someplace else other than the Will. Sometimes the Will is not read until after the funeral. Since you have someone you trust to take care of matters provide them with a copy of the funeral arrangements.
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Barb, that '5 at 55' book - going to pop in into DH's Amazon cart.. good conversation starter. Thanks!
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Beatty, I have had many friends use it that way with their spouses, parents, in-laws! It's eminently readable and the password diary idea has been invaluable for us.

Also, my husband insisted for years that having his list of meds (all 15 if them) in his phone was sufficient. It's not. I can't get into his phone and if he's lying inert on a gurney, I want a paper list!!

I finally got it!
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It sounds like you have dotted the i s and crossed the t s. We have done all of that but do make sure the executor of your will is young enough to function when you die. My Aunt chose her brother as executor. When she died at 90 my father was 95, in a wheelchair and had mild dementia and couldn’t function as executor. It was the death of both my parents and preparing for that which had me plan ahead. I recommend The Five Wishes. (Google it) for slightly more specific end of life suggestions. I myself took the EPEC course (End of Life and Palliative Care) which is a course for those in the health field.) It covers all medications which may be prescribed when one is near death, signs of impending death, how to talk to family etc etc. The customary healthcare proxy is limited in that it seems to indicate whether you want extraordinary measures or not. More specific forms indicate how, if for example you have a fever, you’d still want an antibiotic. If you are not in the health field, do read many good books on the subject. If you feel in a good place and it is your friends you are talking about who didn’t plan, refer them to the book “Talking About Death Won’t Kill You.” My husband and I went as far as buying. Funeral plot, a stone and prepaid funeral. Make sure the location of your documents is well known by your executor. However, most of us don’t just die all at once or even in hospice care. We may need lots of physician’s visits; we could need a hip or knee replacement and temporary NH placement. All of these may require help from friends or family. (Not sure how an assisted living would handle that). My sister in law needed daily trips to outside PT AFTER 2 week at home PT. We may become mildly mentally impaired and forgetful which doesn’t necessitate placement so the guardianship idea is a good one. If you are healthy, you might consider Long Term Health Insurance. Anyway-way to go facing reality!
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I’m in the same boat: single, no children and 67! I’m currently in the process of moving my 95-year-old dad from IL to AL due to dementia. My mom died at 90. I thought I could age in place as long as possible, then sell and move to IL or AL. Right now, I’m very healthy and I work diligently on maintaining my health. I like your guardianship idea. I have thought of giving a POA to my accountant who is 15 years younger than me, but I’m still in the process of establishing more relationships. I don’t think I will need anything until I’m close to 80. My parents didn’t move into IL until they were 90 and 92. Mom died from hemolytic anemia which she got when she was 70. It’s inherited. Anyway, I am thinking about the hurdles I will be facing without a close family member to assist me. Thanks for bringing this topic up.
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I’m going to end it when I’m feeling I’m not able to do things for myself or mobility gets hard no point being just sitting in a chair waiting for death?
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My local hospice offered a course called Ducks In A Row for $20. It included a workbook that takes you through all the steps. Alas the pandemic interrupted the course so I only attended a few sessions but they had speakers such as attorneys, nurses, etc to advise.
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Planning is so important but what people don't plan for is if/when dementia/memory loss sneaks up on them. If at all possible one should assign a Durable PoA who isn't required to prove incapacity to take over management and decision-making. People who think they'll just stop doing this or start doing that "when things get bad enough" have never watched the movie "Still Alice". Although it's about ALZ, this still comes under the dementia umbrella. No one knows if they'll be the one who becomes a dementia sufferer. And at the beginning it is subtle and gradual, and one can be making weird and irrational decisions and changes before anyone else notices there's something wrong with YOU. A critical part of any plan should be that you "downsize" or transition your life BEFORE you think you really need it, or at the first sign or diagnosis of cognitive issues.

We live in a house with 2 full flights of stairs. We can't even get to our kitchen without going up one, or to our cars without going down one. I commented to my hubs at one point that, "The minute one of us has a mobility issue, like knee problem, we're out of this house." He looked at me astonished but I asked him how he thought either of us could manage this scenario: by carrying me on his back up the stairs? He pondered that for a while. He still plays hockey 3x a week and for me it's tennis 3x and the reality is that either one of us is only 1 serious sports injury away from this fact. Planning is necessary and a wise strategy but I'm still also working on having tempered expectations and remaining flexible for whatever comes our way.
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Great questions which have me thinking that action is needed on my part. I'm in my late 60s, single with one son. I have my documents in place, but they need to be updated. My son knows my funeral wishes, but I should pre-plan and pay now. I have a longterm care policy when it is time to move to a care facility and know which facilities I would prefer. I plan to remain in my home as long as I am physically able, but I need to focus on downsizing my things. Thanks so much for the motivation your questions provided.
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I know, it drives me nuts. My husband will not make a will, even though he is older than me and knows my first husband passed away. The only thing I have planned is a plot of land.
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Dear Francis,
‘Thank you for your post. I too am going through something very similar. At 71, and living alone now, all family members have passed. I currently count on neighbors to help out …when needed and a few good friends. All paperwork is in order. I currently have my attorney as Executor of my will. I’m not feeling warm and fuzzy about this however I have know one else… and even he was reluctant to do it…Thank the lord, I have my Heavenly Father. Also so far health is good..you never know when that could change. I too have considered moving into a 55 and over apartment… best of luck to everyone. Diane
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My husband's life expectancy is less than two years. My father is almost 91. I'm responsible for dh's care and my father's affairs. Our papers are in order. Dad believes he has everything in order. Assuming I survive them both (and all the efforts that will be required upon their deaths), and I am still fully capable, I want to buy a little RV and travel the USA for a year. Then I'll figure out where to settle in retirement community that offers a step-up program where I can go from IL to ASL to NH if necessary. I do not want to be dependent on my children. I'm not even confident that they will stay where they are, so why locate near them? And I want them to have the peace of knowing I am in place where care is available (unlike my father who continues to live on his own, five hours away from me). I want to plant myself somewhere I want to be, maybe Florida. I have no desire to continue to live in the mountains or see snow (except as a tourist).
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In the age range of 50-60,  most of us are still working and more than likely don't have our home paid off yet and may still have children living at home or in college and we're juggling the care of our parents on top of all of that.  I am trying to keep my head above water without going broke and insane.  It's hard to even think about my impending decline/demise.  Too many variables to think about at the moment.  If I were in your situation.... older, retired, single and no children, that clears the water a bit.... but I am swimming in mud at the moment! LOL  I have really good intentions once some of these obligations are off of my plate.  Does that count? LOL
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I think it's the norm for people to think they have time or that telling their grown child/ nephew/niece/friend is sufficient "for now". We just sold our 2 story, no downstairs master suite home of 25 years. We're healthy, I'm 62 and my husband is 58. We've always known this was a house we couldn't grow old in. Selling forced us to touch everything we owned and there was a huge amount of letting go. We also hired an elder care attorney this summer. Because of the size of our estate we established a Living Trust which includes every imaginable piece of official paperwork; legal, medical, financial, funeral plans. It's very detailed such as saying we prefer to have in home care but at any point if our sons, together, decide we need to move into a facility that's what they should do. It even included forms choosing what type of interaction we would hope for, manicures, haircut frequency, outings, favorite activities for outings, continued hobbies, etc. A huge weight was lifted off us. No one wants to be a burden and it's so hard to be sure, as the caregiver, you're making the right decisions. Having all this in place is both a gift to ourselves and our family.
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Well stated! Having finally almost completed being the Executor for my father's will (because he had not put everything into his trust- thanking God he did do a properly executed will) and going through the probate process to secure everything was HUGE for me. Setting up ALL your needs and wants is a service to your family and yourself. Anyone who has not set up a good solid trust AND moved ALL your assets including property, bank accounts,, mutual funds, etc to it, needs to. Also make sure to update beneficiaries on life insurance policies and anything that will.let you name a beneficiary and add secondaries as well.. My step Mother died two weeks before my Dad and so we had to probate all of them. I would do everything I could to help ease the burden on my grieving family. I do appreciate what he did, he didn't know I am sure what he had left out.
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I bought long term care insurance long ago so it is, today at age 69, still affordable. Also, I got all my end of life papers done at the same time I updated my will & discussed end of life with my relatives.
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We are paying on a pre-funeral plan for each of us; I don't want to have to worry about that. We have wills made, there is not much estate to worry about "dividing" if that even happens. We are each others executor - there is no one else. It's just me and him. His children don't have much if anything to do with us.
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I'm about to be 61, single and no kids, still working and plan to as long as possible because of the money, benefits, and enjoyment/engagement. I have will, poa, mpoa, etc. But: where I live now is not going to cut it in the next 5 years, and the questions of what to to do, when, how, and all the contingencies just overwhelm and paralyze me. I'm examining the terrors that stop me in therapy right now, wish me luck. I'm so scared about the future and all the what-ifs.
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Good intentions aren't worth much if time runs out. Maybe because I have lived with severe asthma and almost died a couple of times in my 20s, I have had a plan since I got my first "real" job. In the early days, because I did not want my mother to have to bury me, Then in my mid-30s I began paying for my nephews' education and I wanted money to be available for their education if something happened to me. After that, I wanted money available to help care for my parents in their home if I wasn't around. Although I am making plans now for my later years, I doubt I will have a long one since my asthma has compromised my health into COPD and I am retired on disability.

In short, in all my adult years of living, I have found the time to keep a will and insurance policies and savings to fund a trust to care for the loved ones I will leave behind while living a life that includes a full-time job (often 50-60 hours a week), providing some hands-on care for my grandparents, parents, or the family's children, and being active in my church and other local groups. It takes a little thinking and then updating the documents about every 10 years or so.

What will happen if you are killed in a car accident today? Will there be money for next semester's tuition and living expenses for your children? Will your spouse be able to remain in your home? Being "sandwiched" with responsibilities to an older and a younger generation makes have a documented plan MORE necessary, not less.

Sorry for the preachy tone, but being the one who cleans up for the loved ones who don't have _any_ plan isn't much fun.
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I am 67.5 years old and am in excellent health (no hypertension, diabetes, normal weight for height. Married for 35 years, but husband has been a private-pay resident in long-term care for six years due to frontotemporal degeneration. Downsized from a 4 bedroom, 2 bath home with 1/2 acre of land, to a 2 bedroom, 2 bath condo (fully paid for) with a full basement and a one-car garage. Handled everything needed to get our house ready to sell.

To prepare for the future, I am not taking Social Security yet (after full retirement age, benefits increase by 8%/year, prorated monthly), purchased some long-term care insurance, increased my walking from 45 minutes three to four times a week to 75 minutes almost every day, prepaid for my husband's funeral and my own, and volunteer at a food pantry and for our church, and am involved in a local political group. I live on two pensions and an annual withdrawal from my retirement account. I do not want to be in a "senior friendly" community. I like having people of ages in my neighborhood. Should I ever need long-term care, I should be able to afford about eight years in assisted living or five years in a nursing home. I have plans to attend my university's bicentennial and my home's states bicentennial in 2048, when I'll be 94 years *young*.

We have both had health power care of attorney documents and wills since 2013.
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I agree that there are some people that completely ignore the “gift” of planning for aging! My husband and I recently:
- updated our wills and completed and estate package that includes funeral and burial wishes. We chose to donate our bodies to science and have the medical school return ashes to our children and have sprinkled in the ocean
- included DNR’s
- planning to downsize to a smaller residence within the next 2 years
- have given POA to each other and oldest child when needed
- made it clear to children to place us in appropriate care facility when needed
I would never want our children to struggle with the things I have experienced.
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