We have been looking after my mother in law for over 10 years now. She's almost 98 and still going pretty strong. She has full time in home care givers for the last year and is sometimes very mean to them. This causes us a lot of stress when they call us to say "I"m outta here" because she was so nasty. She has never helped us in any way throughout our marriage, but expects a lot from us now just the same. Whatever we do is not enough. I'm sick of it and her.
Am I the only one who feels this way?
My husband and I don't have kids and will have to manage our affairs ourselves. I'm sure this is part of my resentment. I think she's very lucky to have our assistance, but she shows no appreciation for it. She just resents her lack of independence.
We will be moving her into an assisted living situation this year. She does not want to go and is very upset about it. We must move her before she runs out of money so she can transition there onto Medicaid. They won't take her if she doesn't have money to pay for at least a year.
I can't WAIT to get her moved so we can stop having the daily worries we have now. I wish I felt differently....but these are my honest feelings. :(
One possible way to deal with these feelings is to join a caregivers group or talk to your minister or find a therapist who would listen to you.
I suggest you look up the life expectancy tables for a female of your MIL's age in your state. She could live one, two, three, four, five or more years. She could fall and break major bones and you might have a much shortened life expectancy.
Here is an idea. Just repeat to yourself, I am grateful that she has help." . Feeling gratefull has the power to change your feelings.
Remember you are likely to be in the very same place she is in 30-50 Years.
Yes, you are resentful. I think you need to own those feelings. You've given up your freedom and your privacy. Maybe it would have been more realistic not to expect gratitude, but hope springs eternal.
You are moving her to AL because it's in her best interests for her to go there now. If she's got even a hint of dementia, she can't see the good of this, because long term planning is one of the first things to go. She's living in the "right now".
Seeing a therapist or counselor might be a good idea. You've got a lot of feelings on your plate right now, and talking to someone outside the situation might be helpful.
My Dad [94] was the other side of the coin, he accepted he was aging, he didn't mind having outside help, and after my Mom passed it was he who said less than a month later it was time for him to move into Independent/Assisted Living.
Jane, I was and still am very resentful of dealing with my parents for the past 7 years. My parents had a wonderful 25 year retirement which included a lot of travel. They never had to take care of their parents, so they had zero idea what they were putting me through. I couldn't get them out of that darn 3-story house. I was always on pins and needles, and would go into full panic attack mode any time the phone rang. I've been so stressed out I had developed numerous health issues. Heavens, my Mom was healthier than I was !!
Keep in touch with the AL. Keep a secret suitcase in your home, packed with a week's worth of MIL's clothes and duplicates of all her toiletries. The minute a bed opens up, grab the suitcase and put MIL in the car -- under whatever pretense it takes. Sign the papers at AL and check her in. Shuttle the rest of her belongings on your own terms. Without her "help."
You and your husband literally gave until it hurt. For 10 years. All you got in return was negativity and scorn. Enough already.
Steel yourself for overt or subtle criticism from others. (Others who never lived with MIL or offered to take her in, I must note.) Be sure to offer each naysayer the option of moving MIL into his or her spare bedroom. End of conversation.
You and your husband deserve peace in your retirement. Not chaos and abuse. Stay strong and keep moving forward.