Granted, the nature of this site means that we will always hear more about the bad cases. Someone from a functional family with a good caregiving situation would have no reason to post here.
But. There are A LOT of horror stories. So many that I think they are more or less the norm.
I'm inclined to think that no one should ever take up significant caregiving responsibilities without having full PoA, and getting whatever inheritance they expect UP FRONT. And no one should quit a job to caregive unless their financial situation truly enables them to do it safely.
And that's just the financial angle. If the family dynamics are such that you, the prospective caregiver, are not likely to get support from relatives (or worse yet, be attacked and manipulated by them), DON'T DO IT. Relative should be told by the care-receiver, in writing, that the care-receiver's assets will be used to fund care, and that IF there is anything left, MAYBE they will get an inheritance. But they are must keep their face-holes shut about it if they want to get anything at all.
So many see their Mom and Dad [or spouse] as active, mobile, sharp, still driving, and enjoying retirement to the fullest.... so, of course, seeing ones parent in that condition, why not be their caregiver later in life :)
Then the oops starts in, and the *why didn't anyone tell us this is how it would be?* when the peaceful easy situations take a turn. I know I was blind-sided never realizing my parents would get to a point of not driving, not seeing, not hearing, etc. I never saw my grandparents when they were elderly in that condition, thus I had zero reference.
Now I live in worry-mode wondering what will be next. And all the what-ifs. I resent the fact that my parents didn't have a 5-year plan or 10-year plan.... why on earth are they still in a large single family house with a lot of stairs being in their mid-90's? Why didn't they plan on what to do for transportation when Dad stopped driving? Who did they think was going to get their groceries once they stopped driving? Oh, guess it would be me... let me quit work, reduce my own retirement fund, and be their cruise director :P But wait, I am a senior citizen myself.
And the same problems our loved ones have with spending money on their own care taking, too many of us bring to the table when we're doing the care taking for them. We don't hire the help we need with their funds. We hoard their assets. We risk burnout and health issues ourselves. We fail to take charge and push unwanted advice aside. And we don't get the paperwork we need to do the job.
We THINK, if/when they move in with us, that we'll have it easier financially. Suddenly, they're not supporting a separate home anymore. Their SS check comes in, and instead of spending it on THEIR care, which is what SHOULD be done, we think we an put in new carpeting with it. That's not what it's for. It's for them. THEIR needs. And their needs coincide most often with the care givers. They often just don't want to spent their loved one's money that way.
I read between the lines quite often here. There are people living horror shows of an existence because their kid(s) either want a free place to live (don't want their loved one put into a nursing home or independent living so the home would have to be sold) or want to preserve their parents' assets for themselves.
As for your inference that the only people who post here are dysfunctional, I completely disagree. This is a very helpful site for sharing what we've learned and overcoming problems.
Some families are more dysfunctional than others, and the more screwed up it is, the harder it is. But I think there are all sorts of challenges, no matter how 'perfect' the family is.
I am wondering how your grandmother is doing in the AL and if you're mother is still robbing her blind? Did you eventually just stay away from all of them?
It was either me or a NH after my dad passed. Mom wasn't far enough along for a NH and had a good 18 months and still some good days ahead of her. All 3 of my older brothers are too busy with whatever it is they do.
I have no idea what is going on. I've really distanced myself from it all.
That said, I fully expect there will be another crisis that someone will try to drag me into. ::eyeroll::
I did read this story here today though: "My 88 year old father has been living with me for about 2 years now.. He is a very sweet Man and I love him very much. I'm thankful I have this opportunity to help and care for him. it has its challenges, but I feel blessed. He loves to talk and tell his stories. he sure has some good ones. I hope and pray that he is with us for a long time. its also been great for my girls, his 2 Granddaughters."
The "normal" caregiving journey is very different than the ones most commonly written about here. I think most of us thought caregiving would be rewarding and a chance to give and receive love, and we ended up on here when it turned out to be a little bit of that, and a lot more of being hated on, used and abused, accused of doing bad things while doing our best, having others give in to greed and laziness, and having necessary care resisted or refused at every turn. I think it helps to stop and think a minute about what a good, healthy, caregiving relationship might actually be like, and how much it really does differ from what we have been through.
I learned how dementia can really change lives.... how a simple UTI can cause an elder to become violent [who would have thought].... that there are law specialty for elders.... how to ignore some silly stuff that an elder parent might say or to just agree with them and let it go instead of always trying to correct their stories.
I am also learning here that there are aging children who are in their late 70's and early 80's trying to care for their elder parents who are in their early 100's.... I am also learning there are people in their early 50's caring for aging parents in their 80's and also trying to also give equal attention to their middle school and high school aged children [sandwiched generation].
I've also learned that my parents made their choice to continue to live in their own home, and that they have to live with the outcome of the choice. If I had my say, they would be in a retirement community which they could easily afford.
My parents keep telling me I will inherit their estate, I don't want their money, use it to hire people to help. I would be too tired and stressed to enjoy one penny of it.
It was here on this site that I found friendship, understanding, and knowledge. It was here that I turned to when I became suicidal because that was the only way I can walk away from my religious obligations - death and the prison I found myself in. It was here that I learned to appreciate HUGS in my wall. And just last year, I had my first real HUG from my baby brother (at mom's funeral)! Nothing can beat a real HUG but... I still value the cyber HUGs here. I'm not choosy. Beggars can't be choosers.
Most recently, the elder asked me if I regretted knowing about God. You see, I never hid the truth that I had stopped praying to God years and years ago. So, when he asked me that question, I answered, "No, I don't regret knowing God. I do regret learning what the Bible says." See... the elder visits regularly all these years to make sure that I'm still on the narrow path and not straying.... Religious obligation....
Your profile states you care for your grandmother in AL. You are fortunate to not need to take on the daily frustrations of feeding, cleaning and bathing a elder, much less an elder with dementia.
I am sure you have learned from the experience with your grandmother.
Ask yourself why YOU do it, and whether you would be willing to do so again, and if the need arises, whether you can do hands on caregiving.
The top thing I have learned from this site is that people who endeavor this for the wrong reason ( save elders assets for their inheritance, try to keep mom's house, "retire" early thinking this is a easy gig and someone should pay them) end up miserable and likely are making the elder miserable as well.
People who seem to take it on for love become stronger people. There are a few people on this board whom I have never met and yet have a great deal of respect for.
Best of luck to you on your journey,
L
My husband's cousin and his wife have had the MIL living with them for at least the past 15 yrs. She suffers from Alzheimers, and is the sweetest thing in the world. She is always present at all the family events, helps out at whatever she is capable of doing. Last year they bought an RV and set up the bedroom with MIL's familiar belongings and took a nice vacation. They now do that regularly, and she enjoys it a lot. She's able to point out deer, bear and other wildlife they see. They were also able to travel to Nebraska to see her brother, who has Lewy Body Dementia shortly before he died. They couldn't communicate, but held hands. So no, not all caregiving stories are horror stories.
Margarets - Please do not blame God for your decision to be a caregiver. I do not recall anything in my Bible about being a caregiver. My Bible says to honor my parents and that can take any number of forms; not necessarily being their caregiver but sometimes leaving them to their own devices and honoring their own decisions. I have had some difficulties in not despising but have worked through that. None of this is God's fault but the ways of humanity. Nothing bad or evil is of my God but He does allow the test to prove us.