Yo-yo Mom at it again.
Well, after a crazy spring and summer where my mom repeatedly told me she would no longer be in contact with me anymore or she would find (and then said she did) someone to take her shopping, now she has called me and informed me that I need to find a day to set several hours aside so I can take her for "a bit" of shopping.
I ask what she needs (maybe I can grab a loaf of bread and some eggs at the store?) and she's mum about it. (This means probably that she wants cigarettes, which, along with her own reflection, are her two great loves in life.)
I'm annoyed because I can't stand dealing with this woman. Every call she makes turns into an occasion to tell me how mean or how ungrateful I am, this or that thing that I did wrong, or how she had to do EVERYTHING on her own (except for when she needs me to take her somewhere or fix something for her ...), or how awful my dad was, or she makes digs at my weight (like it's a good idea to not lose weight, because you can use the fat to get you through the hard times that are ahead. Really? Lovely!)
I am so tired of dealing with her. There is no civility here and I have a hard time controlling myself while talking to her, and afterwards I feel drained and sick as a dog. I want to reason with her but can't, and yet each time I talk to her I feel like I'm sinking into new emotional lows.
I had such high hopes she'd be taking a cab now and then and now, I'm supposed to just take time off work (because it MUST be done during a weekday) to bend to her will. I told her I would pick her up Thursday and drop her off at a grocery store and get her in a couple hours because I don't feel like following her around Kroger for three hours while she stares in fascination at packages of kielbasa and frozen fish!
I don't know what I want here, but to vent, I guess. I just honestly want nothing to do with this woman anymore. There is no pleasant chat about the weather. Striking up a conversation about the past is just a chance for her to relive old grievances. On top of that she's half-deaf and says inappropriate, sexist or racist things.
I'm just tired of it. And her calling with this attitude that I owe her an unpaid day off to cart her around so she can buy cigarettes and bacon just infuriates me all the more!
She cut me out of her life by telling me not to call her or visit her, changes her keys so I can't even check on her if she doesn't answer her phone or door, and changes her bank information so I can't even use the extra debit card I used to have to go pick up her medicines and so on (my husband got laid off a year ago and my income has gone down since I was laid off -- but found another job, fortunately --so I can't exactly afford to buy her stuff anymore, and I can't afford to take time off work.)
So again, I'm just tired of dealing with her and want to vent. I believe in respecting the elderly and all that but what about when your mom expects you to be her beck-and-call and verbal whipping post?
This comes up A LOT. It's the source of a lot of really unproductive feelings that drag people down into a pit. Especially when trying to caregive someone who only engagees in transactional relationships (like a narcissist or borderline personality).
I am a mother myself. I don't consider that my children owe me for their raising. They are teenagers & they are expected to contribute to the household now. I'm not keeping a tally for 30 years down the road. They don't owe me. I do what I do out of love and because these children are my responsibility. Once they are grown up and been released into the world, I have done what I can to make them good and useful. All I can do at that point is love them and wait for grandbabies or grandpuppies or whatever. As long as they are truly happy.
What do I owe my mother? Not a dadgum thing. I am doing what I do for her out of a sense of mercy because she has run off every other human being on this planet who might have cared for her. I won't have two red pennies to rub together out of this. There is no inheritance to justify all the hours of my time, effort, anxiety, upset, & worry. Was she loving - probably in her own stunted maladjusted way. Doesn't matter. The act of caring, or not caring is not about settling some kind of big cosmic debt so it all comes out even. It can't come out even.
If anything, I prefer to pay it forward and invest in my kids, to teach them how to be great friends, great spouses, great employees, and hopefully mostly competent parents!
If my kids have awesome jobs and families on the other side of the world and can't be here for my old age, I do NOT want them to feel guilty or obligated. I will not demand or expect them to uproot or turn down opportunity and come deal with me. Would it be nice? Sure. But sometimes life has other plans and we deal with what we get.
My mom used to be sweet when I was a very small child, but she divorced my dad when I was seven and since then it's been ups and downs. Since then she's belittled him even though he's now been dead for 25 years and complains about the whole family. She can't be happy about anyone or kind about anyone either. If someone wins the lottery she'll say "they're too fat" or "it's a shame someone so ugly or dumb-looking won." If someone has cancer, she rolls her eyes and says, "big deal." Part of it is her rough childhood, but it's just a shame she's decided to see the bad in everyone and everything. I feel like I owe her, since she's my mom, some kindness and respect, but I honestly can't think of the last time she's shown it to me. Even if she were to give me $10 for gas, I would never hear the end of it. It's never simply a gesture; it's insurance or blackmail or some fuel for later insults. "I gave you some money for gas and I offered to buy you a hamburger, so you owe me undying gratitude for my kindness." Because that's the way to breed good feelings! (Not!)
Havnt spoken to mum in a few days she went into town with Brother and yes i was right she bought me a top I just happened to admire last week?? But hey dont think youre lucky this is what she does then shell throw a huge "tantrum" and rant "afterall the stuff ive bought you".
Anywhoo ive just got my first pair of glasses for reading and im finding it hard to get used to them i got up and walked into the door huge bump on my head so yes i must realise "reading glasses" i forget im wearing them then oops! I feel OLD!!
I tend to stock up for myself whenever something is one sale and has a long shelf life. But not my Mom, she will order 2 cans of a sale product.... since I have taken over her grocery buying, I will order 6 cans as my parents can afford it, and have room to store those cans :)
I dont know do you live with her? i always thought if i had a job i could escape her for a few hours but by the sounds of things on here theres no "refuge" right now I love my baths am tempted to have 2 a day just to HIDE OUT!!
Mum is not as bad as yours she does drag up her miserable life and past every second of everyday BUT i have to say she was never abusive towards me until I became her carer and she got dementia so i let that abuse go as her "madness" its the digging up her past and yes still what a sh*t dad was R.I.P dad gosh i hope he is at peace sometimes i envy him!
Mum is so negative that she even "hates" to see someone win the lottery?? so sad to be so bitter and unhappy but we cant fix it just deep breaths and tell ourselves "im NEVER going to end up like this" GULP!
And the shopping did not happen because she took a tumble and hurt her arm, so she just wanted me to come over asap to get her cigarettes because she couldn't roll them in her machine. I did it for her and then told her to call me if she wants to go to the doctor for her arm ("I'm not spending another dime at the doctor's") and wished her a good day.
You are never going to be best buddies with your mom, but according to your profile she has dementia. Try to not let her get on your nerves.
Our parents can definitely drive us up the wall if we let them with their set ways.
Then I tried getting a grocery list from my Mom, and go to the grocery store along with my own list.... that was a nightmare having two separate orders in one cart and trying to figure which grocery bags were theirs and which were mine. That was too exhausting mentally and physically, lifting all those heavy bags. I'm too old for this.
Along comes on-line grocery shopping.... YES.... I love it, but my Mom isn't crazy about it because the service doesn't have everything she normally uses.... and no, she can't try anything new and different.... and the bananas "taste funny".... [rolling eyes].
Are these our golden years???
In my opinion, your mother does not deserve a day a week from you. Two hours a week? Maybe ... but only if she honors boundaries you set. How likely would it be that she'd be out of pills or food? I mean, really, a woman this self-focused having no food and no way to get it? Get real! What you call "worry" is simply a response to the guilt buttons she installed and is expert at pushing.
I want to echo blannie's first post here. Walk away from this toxic relationship. Respecting someone just because they are old is a pretty feeble philosophy. Love this woman who raised you, but do it from a safe distance. Easy? O, I don't think so, not with all the guilt buttons! So get yourself some counseling, to help you protect yourself.
When my brother would visit from out-of-state, I'd try to get him to just take my mom out somewhere and she'd always say to him, "Oh that's too much trouble, you don't need to take me anywhere." GRRRRRR! I'd tell him to insist, but he never would (I wonder why, LOL!). So he never got to experience even a half of what I had to deal with. Now I don't have to worry because he hasn't visited here in four years.
Dad doesn't understand how tiring it is shopping with Mom in the grocery section of a big box store, reaching for this, bending down for that, re-stocking shelves as Mom puts stuff back.... trying to get my own shopping done at the same time.... then when Mom is through, I set her down on a bench then I go looking for Dad who wandered off with his own cart because grocery shopping is boring.... no kidding, Dad :P.... and it is usually 2 or 3 trips around the big store before I find Dad.... I lead him over to where Mom was sitting... I say *was* because Mom got worried about Dad and she wandered off to look for him. And Dad wonders why I am exhausted after shopping.... [sigh]
If she wants to go for groceries, go there and back to her house. Don't let her tack on 3 or 4 more stops. We have found that the nagging starts after one hour of contact, so we limit the visits, and if her diatribes start after 20 minutes, that's when you have to go . She will catch on, believe me.
And when you get on one of those calls, it's really ok to tell her you need to go and end the call. You can't let this dynamic make you sick.
My parents were use to going shopping 2 or 3 times a day back when Dad was driving. Sorry, that's not going to happen anymore, as I am still employed and will no longer take vacations days or sick days so they could shop. Doctor appointments, I have no problem with doing.
Any time my parents grumble about not shopping, I gently remind them that if they had moved into that grand retire community down the road, they could go shopping every single day as the community offers transportation.
I can't get a straight answer out of this woman, either. She says she has a neighbor giving her rides or gets a taxi and then makes it sound like she's desperate. Maybe I'm worried she'll be out of pills or food so I worry in that respect. I wouldn't want to be all alone in that boat, so I cave, but she sees me as a sucker or a slave to do her will instead of someone trying to be nice.
Then she contradicts herself. She says her pharmacy delivers her medications, and yet she says I need to take her there. (I suspect she wants to argue with the pharmacist in person since she thinks the Kroger pharmacy in her neighborhood is owned by Arabs who are screwing her over somehow.) And so it goes!
And get some counseling so you don't feel guilty or obligated to continue in this one-sided toxic relationship. Walk away. Just say, "I'm sorry mom, I can't do that." Or don't take her calls. It's as simple as that. Hugs to you and what you've had to put up with.