Yes. I know we need to try and care for ourselves since we are the caregivers but does anyone else get upset when people, most of whom have NEVER cared for another adult, preaches to you about taking care of yourself ...”oh you just need to take some time away ... an hour here or there to take care of you...” YET never offer to come sit with her so you CAN do these things?
They make these comments safely from a far KNOWING that you have no one to help you.
My time away right now is when I get to go to Walmart ... whoo hoo ... and then I’m trying to make money stretch and do so quickly so I can get back home.
I CAN get a stranger to come in ... a volunteer... if I plan ahead BUT unless I pay someone money we do not have I can not get someone qualified and bonded.
Just wondering if I’m just getting old and bitter or if others feel that way when people make these type of comments yet offer no help what so ever.
"Now, what are you doing for YOU? What plans do you have for making YOUR life better"
I figured if someone said that to me at that particular time I would happily throttle them, hee hee.
I know. People don't know what to say, so they say something. But you are correct, they are not there to sit with your elder for four hours. Likely you would worry the entire four hours, but it would be worth a try, huh?
Here is another pat phrase for you: from me: "I am so sorry it is such tough times right now." I mean. We try.
I was near emotional and physical collapse - and if one more person told me to go get my nails done I likely would have assaulted them! As if a manicure could possibly have made the slightest bit of difference in the anguish and desperation I was feeling.
I mean - SERIOUSLY?!?
What is often really needed is to change the living arrangements so that the elder is no longer living with the caregiver.
If you're now at your limit, make some permanent changes. There may be hard choices (& maybe some people will be ticked off at you.)
But it doesn't make you a failure for realizing that things have become too much. Get control of your emotions first, & things will go easier during the changes.
my mistake thinking this was a place
to just ask if it bugs people when they say that ... there is absolutely no reason for my mother to be left to die in a nursing home.
My comment was about the people that constantly remind you to care for yourself but make no effort to help you do that. Maybe no one else gets that but me.
Not sure how everyone gets me being “so angry” from text ... but hey I know not to ask questions.
I would NEVER not care for her because I don’t get a break ... but I will stop talking to friends and family who keep pushing me but do nothing just thought it was a common thing in caregiving and thought just getting it out here was a safe thing to do... again my mistake.
Have a nice life guys .... such quick judgements aren’t going to get any of us very far.
They are just words that people say thinking it will help you in some way.. hollow words. The best thing they can say is.. you need to take time for yourself.. let me know and I will come and sit with your mom so you can get out... in our dreams anyway.
There are lots of posters here with different perspectives... but always lots of support as well. .. hope you stick around.
In your profile you wrote you're mentally and physically exhausted. One person mentioned a care facility and two others mentioned other arrangements. You're desperate for some relief and posters are just trying to support and help you.
I hope you're able to find people who'll give you the help and respite you need.
I believe you are new to the forum? I am only here myself since March. But some are here for literally years now. In fact some were caring for a wife or husband who has passed, or a parent, and remain here only to help others with what they have learned. Some work in legal offices. Some do Estate Settlement. Social workers, Nurses (OLD nurses--that's me), facility workers, CNAs. There are even a few Lawyers. And just about every other type of person you can imagine, not only from the states but from around the world.
No one suggested that you should place your Mom, though certainly many have been forced finally after many years, to do that. And there are some few now--three I can think of, who at least weekly make long posts absolutely full of unsolvable pain.
People are overall so kind here. Once I was UNKIND, and wow, was I taken quickly to task on the private message board. I almost left with tail tucked between my legs, but I like to talk too much...............so.................
Please do stick around for a while. There is so much to share openly with one another about pain. Sometimes even a joke or a recipe thrown in. We do get to "know" one another. I think it is a great support.
I can only hope you will stick around. I see all sort of comment below that indicate we DO know how hard it is to see platitudes when what you need is someone to make you a casserole.
As to placing or not placing an elder, we each must make our own decision on that. I am late 70s now so no way up to it, but I will admit I would not have been up to it my youngest strongest day on this earth. I don't have it in me. I might wish I were a better person, but I am not, and I know my limitations. We each must assess for ourselves what we can do. No one here will judge your decision either way, though you may occ. hear a bit of advice more blunt than you would like.
Hope you stay. Will say no more.
My break time is in the bathroom when I can do a Sudoku puzzle or 3. I sit down in front of my computer and maybe get through 3 or 4 emails and I hear her knocking on the wall.( our signal that she needs help).
My favorite one is when someone sees that I am tired and say " why don't you just take a nap?" Yea right! That's when the mess hits the fan.
I could sit and write a 300 page letter sounding off about this, but it would do no good.
Just remember:
There is no such thing as a bad day, bad things can happen during your day, but don't let them make the whole day bad.
I turned to in home caregivers. Reliable and I have the added bonus of spending the inheritance of the selfish family members of those who won’t help. I was angry and bitter until I began to think like that.
I have recently retired and now help my sister take care of our mom (we all live in the same house) and even sharing this responsibility, I find it very challenging. I will describe this to friends and get that same advice. Only the ones who have been in the same position have offered practical suggestions. Stick with the people who have something to share with you that is useful and just ignore the rest. All the best to you!
I didn't get those comments when I became my mom's caregiver after her stroke,but I would get family members who would offer unsolicited advice.Most would say,Well,if you have her do this or she should be further along So and so had a stroke and they do etc.My first instinct was to say It's easy for you to give advice but how about you come for a few hours and help.Unless you've walked a mile in my shoes.Keep your comments or advice to yourself.You do need some time away occasionally.Thankfully,I had my daughter or an aide that allowed me to recharge when needed.If there is a friend,neighbor,church member or even family member you trust.Take the time for you.
I had I never thought of this before for myself, but I will ask that person suggesting that I take care of myself, if they can come over so I can have some time off. I do have a wonderful paid helper that I hired a couple of weeks ago, but we can afford for her to come for a few hours a couple of times a week. And I stay as we work together a lot to get caught up on laundry, dishes, cooking, etc. Again, the take away is turn the take care of yourself back on the person suggesting this.
You DO need to make plans for your life; it is YOUR life. What are you going to do when your loved one (LO) dies? Social support is very important. My best friend watches my mom so I can work a few hours a week. I also acquired my bachelor's degree because I stay home a lot so I made straight As--thereby winning scholarships so my 4-year degree was entirely free including books. I'm not a smart person by any means, but I had to work my booty off. There are options even as a full-time caregiver.
When your loved ones dies: What next? Make plans. Also make sure you got your ducks in a row. This includes estate planning, POA, and prepaid funeral or cremation. Cremation is the cheapest means to dispose of a body. I never liked burial since the preservative (formaldehyde) breaks down in a few months and the corpse just rots away anyway. Prepaid funerals will save you a lot of money and the undertake won't gouge you.
If a person is really strapped for money, one can donate the body to science. Transportation is free; once the tissue samples are collected and otherwise used for teaching purposes, the cremation is free, along with two free death certificates. Just an option to explore if money is a problem.
I think people mean well but don't know what else to say. I am told many times the care giver dies first.
99.9% of the people offer no help and to bring in a stranger and pay adds to the stress. Thank God my husband is still so I can take him with me every where. We have 43 years of serious health problems and 10 plus years of Alzhimers (plus my own serious healthy history) and we are loosing every day. I am a Nurse so I have seen that he has had the best of medical and nursing care. I am tired, afraid, bitter and want relief and know that God has a plan but I am afraid of the future and would like to think that I will have some health and time when this is over. When he naps or goes to bed I am so glad but there is not much relief because I have to do everything that life demands to keep it all going. The most I can do is know there are a few people praying and I say, God Help"! I have checked into stress counseling without success and realize that is not the answer so why bother because it is my problem. Things can and do change minuet to minuet and then there is a new problem to solve and a decision to make. This keeping a constant eye on some one is like never having a break from a toddler. I know that it is going to get worse and my mind is always working on my (if I need or am forced) next" plan of action." Thing is.. no one will ever care for our loved ones like we do but it is killing us! Our Elder Law Attorney has been helpful but like everything "no free".
Sorry for all the suffering for everyone.
It's also an opportunity to find out who your real friends are... they're the ones who might be hesitant to offer, but who will gladly step up to the plate once they're asked. Hopefully you have one or two of those. Thankfully, I do - and it's my ex-husband's wife! She's a very kind woman, and helps me out whenever she can, which only goes to prove that sometimes help comes from the most unexpected quarter.
I'm with you on the frustration of having your only "alone" time consumed with errands or tasks that you have to dash through at breakneck speed. I have to carefully time and choreograph everything so that it fits into Mom's nap time. Exhaustive preplanning of a simple shopping trip is a chore in and of itself (and who among us needs another one of those?), and I often return home to hear her call bell ringing before I can even lay down my purse, let alone get the bags out of the car.
It's natural to feel "old and bitter" - I get that way quite frequently. I usually handle it by allowing myself a pity party for a little while, but then I get back up and slog on. I have to. My only alternative is a nervous breakdown, and I don't want to go there.
I hope you find someone you can trust to give you a hand. But you'll have to make the first move, and see where it goes from there.