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OotiFairy, I hear you! There are a couple posts here that did miss your point (and the most recent is particularly unhelpful and uncalled-for) but I hope you can overlook those and stick with this forum, as most are caring and thoughtful. I read your post as being exasperated by those people in your life who are offering platitudes, with good intentions, no doubt, but no practical help. It is indeed annoying. I did not take it that you are angry and to me you didn't seem upset with your mom.

I have recently retired and now help my sister take care of our mom (we all live in the same house) and even sharing this responsibility, I find it very challenging. I will describe this to friends and get that same advice. Only the ones who have been in the same position have offered practical suggestions. Stick with the people who have something to share with you that is useful and just ignore the rest. All the best to you!
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Old and bitter.
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I learned long ago that family is not going to help w my mil. I would never ask my friends. Not their responsibility and I don’t want to lose my friends.
I turned to in home caregivers. Reliable and I have the added bonus of spending the inheritance of the selfish family members of those who won’t help. I was angry and bitter until I began to think like that.
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You are not alone. Like the saying "wake a mile in my shoes", most of these people have no idea what is involved. Maybe getting up 3 times during the night because your spouse, (insert person you're caring for) needs something .

My break time is in the bathroom when I can do a Sudoku puzzle or 3. I sit down in front of my computer and maybe get through 3 or 4 emails and I hear her knocking on the wall.( our signal that she needs help).

My favorite one is when someone sees that I am tired and say " why don't you just take a nap?" Yea right! That's when the mess hits the fan.

I could sit and write a 300 page letter sounding off about this, but it would do no good.

Just remember:

There is no such thing as a bad day, bad things can happen during your day, but don't let them make the whole day bad.
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Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are not alone in this situation. Did you ever hear the expression " SH-- or get off the pot " ? Either put your person (Mom ? ) in a nursing home or just care for her the best way you can without feeling angry. Anger will get you nowhere. Sounds like you are bitter towards her for whatever reason you have. You cannot take care of her properly with your attitude. Neither one of you deserve this. I'm sure she feels your anger towards her and this is not healthy. She would certainly be better of in a facility and without YOU !
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OotiFairy, I apologize if it was my post that offended you. Many in this online community have been where you are right now. Please know that many of us have family members in great facilities and they are not "left to die". Often we are part of the "sandwich" generation who are struggling to care for kids and grandkids in our homes as well as aging parents. We have learned you can't do it all. I do understand that when people make flippant suggestions it is because they have not walked in our shoes and can't imagine what it is like to give care 24/7/365. Are you part of a religious community? If so, have you contacted them for any volunteers? I'm an elder in a small church and we have gladly helped many people who were not attenders. Often people are willing to help, they just don't know specifically what is needed. You can ask family, friends and neighbors to spot you an hour here or there to start. Once they see how much it is appreciated, they might be more willing to step up for future needs. It's all you can do in the absence of funds. Also, you can contact your local Council on Aging (also called area agency on aging) and they may have resources for you. You can also get assessed by the county for in-home services like meals, light housekeeping, etc.
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OotieFairy, I have searched this thread several times now and cannot find anyone that seems to me to have said anything offensive. I think that perhaps your title statement using the abbreviation of "BS" may have led some to think that speaking in a kind of "blunt voice" would be OK? I am guessing.
I believe you are new to the forum? I am only here myself since March. But some are here for literally years now. In fact some were caring for a wife or husband who has passed, or a parent, and remain here only to help others with what they have learned. Some work in legal offices. Some do Estate Settlement. Social workers, Nurses (OLD nurses--that's me), facility workers, CNAs. There are even a few Lawyers. And just about every other type of person you can imagine, not only from the states but from around the world.
No one suggested that you should place your Mom, though certainly many have been forced finally after many years, to do that. And there are some few now--three I can think of, who at least weekly make long posts absolutely full of unsolvable pain.
People are overall so kind here. Once I was UNKIND, and wow, was I taken quickly to task on the private message board. I almost left with tail tucked between my legs, but I like to talk too much...............so.................
Please do stick around for a while. There is so much to share openly with one another about pain. Sometimes even a joke or a recipe thrown in. We do get to "know" one another. I think it is a great support.
I can only hope you will stick around. I see all sort of comment below that indicate we DO know how hard it is to see platitudes when what you need is someone to make you a casserole.
As to placing or not placing an elder, we each must make our own decision on that. I am late 70s now so no way up to it, but I will admit I would not have been up to it my youngest strongest day on this earth. I don't have it in me. I might wish I were a better person, but I am not, and I know my limitations. We each must assess for ourselves what we can do. No one here will judge your decision either way, though you may occ. hear a bit of advice more blunt than you would like.
Hope you stay. Will say no more.
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OotiFairy: how has this forum disappointed you? I'm not seeing the "quick judgements" you're referring to. Most posts agreed with you and had experienced the same thing you have.

In your profile you wrote you're mentally and physically exhausted. One person mentioned a care facility and two others mentioned other arrangements. You're desperate for some relief and posters are just trying to support and help you.

I hope you're able to find people who'll give you the help and respite you need.
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I can relate to your post OotFairy. I have gotten these types of remarks from people who knew I did not have help. I worked full time and cared for both parents at one time..so there really was no extra time.

They are just words that people say thinking it will help you in some way.. hollow words. The best thing they can say is.. you need to take time for yourself.. let me know and I will come and sit with your mom so you can get out... in our dreams anyway.

There are lots of posters here with different perspectives... but always lots of support as well. .. hope you stick around.
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WOW so not expecting the comments that are here.
my mistake thinking this was a place
to just ask if it bugs people when they say that ... there is absolutely no reason for my mother to be left to die in a nursing home.
My comment was about the people that constantly remind you to care for yourself but make no effort to help you do that. Maybe no one else gets that but me.

Not sure how everyone gets me being “so angry” from text ... but hey I know not to ask questions.

I would NEVER not care for her because I don’t get a break ... but I will stop talking to friends and family who keep pushing me but do nothing just thought it was a common thing in caregiving and thought just getting it out here was a safe thing to do... again my mistake.
Have a nice life guys .... such quick judgements aren’t going to get any of us very far.
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Sounds like you've become angry at everyone. (What do you expect people to say anyway)?
If you're now at your limit, make some permanent changes. There may be hard choices (& maybe some people will be ticked off at you.)
But it doesn't make you a failure for realizing that things have become too much. Get control of your emotions first, & things will go easier during the changes.
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The articles that say to "take care of yourself!" bug me. While the pat advice certainly sounds nice, when one's life is as hard as it is for many elder caregivers, it will take a LOT more than just an hour here and there to oneself to make a difference.

What is often really needed is to change the living arrangements so that the elder is no longer living with the caregiver.
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My very first thread here was titled “When Getting Your Nails Done Isnt Enough”.

I was near emotional and physical collapse - and if one more person told me to go get my nails done I likely would have assaulted them! As if a manicure could possibly have made the slightest bit of difference in the anguish and desperation I was feeling.

I mean - SERIOUSLY?!?
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10 pills! 10 pills, I meant. Not 10 medications. That would be overkill. Literally.
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It is frustrating for certain. When this first happened to my brother and I was reeling with anxiety my own doctor, who I had begged for just 10 medications for anti-anxiety so I could at least sleep, at least thing, said I should see a counselor to help. And yes I KNOW they do help. But I had the appointment cancelled when I sat and realized after having "sought help" two other crisis times in my life, I could now change seats with the shrink and be them while they could be me. I could do all the pat "go-to" phrases, the first and most popular being:
"Now, what are you doing for YOU? What plans do you have for making YOUR life better"
I figured if someone said that to me at that particular time I would happily throttle them, hee hee.
I know. People don't know what to say, so they say something. But you are correct, they are not there to sit with your elder for four hours. Likely you would worry the entire four hours, but it would be worth a try, huh?
Here is another pat phrase for you: from me: "I am so sorry it is such tough times right now." I mean. We try.
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You sound completely burned out. I'm sorry that this is your life right now. You simply cannot go on like this. Being bitter about no help will not bring any help and is toxic to you so you must force yourself to look down a different path for solutions. Pick your battles wisely and prioritize them. Objectively I'd say your Job #1 is getting alternative, permanent care for your mom so that you can both get relief. May I ask if you have applied for Medicaid for your mother? If not, why not? On Medicaid you can get your mother into a decent care facility where she can have more eyes on her medical issues, be with other people and you can get your life back. THEN you can pursue the legal issues. I have been hearing more and more about the negative impacts of Cipro (even for non-seniors). My 90 yo mom was given clindamycin after a root canal and it caused a rash reaction, then a gut reaction, then her legs swelled up and it took forever for it to go away. We know it was the meds because they checked her up and down, in and out with MIR, etc. Maybe you can find an attorney to pursue a class-action lawsuit? But first, you must solve the most pressing issue of keeping your own health solid. If you make yourself sick with burnout, who will then care for your mom? Blessings and peace to you.
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I feel the same way. I get 2 hours twice a week to get away when hired caregivers come and I always end up doing errands instead of something fun and relaxing. Nobody ever offers help, not even to bring over a meal or help with little things around the house. Feels like I'm on an island.
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