I'm dictating this, so I hope it comes across without too many glitches. I sincerely need advice. My mom is not a nice person. She comes by it honestly, she was the victim of child sex trafficking and it really scarred her for life. She is 101 years old, and I am the only person who even tries to deal with her. It's all up to me. My problem right now is that she is bored out of her mind. I have given her scanning to do, but it only takes her about an hour. I have enlarged books by typing them in in huge print( she has cataracts and so is legally blind.. she won't get the cataracts removed, and she won't get a hearing aid and she is almost deaf(. Keeps sending me to the library to get large print books, but she can't read them no matter how large the print, so I've been typing them into the computer with three or four words on a page so she can read a book. She says that's not good enough she wants to read a book by herself. So rather than start an argument I keep going back to the library and I keep getting her large print books which she can't read and that depresses her. Now she wants to do jigsaw puzzles and we've tried this one two or three times as well. She can't see the pieces. But every few months she insisted I get another one and she doesn't want the one with the big pieces she wants a regular one. So we do that and then she gets frustrated cuz she can't do them. My problem really is that she lays in bed depressed whining and crying and praying and saying she needs help and she wants to do something but she won't face the reality of her situation. I tried having people from the church come out to keep her company and it just upset her. I thought about getting a home Giver but it wouldn't do any good because my mom is not a nice lady, and she doesn't want anyone here anyway. She won't let me read to her, she hates when I cook for her because there's a thing she wants to do by herself. She only has a mild dementia. I I'm at my wit's end. My life has not been my own for 9 years except for a few hours of work in the morning everything else is dedicated and devoted to trying to make her happy and to keep her life comfortable. I believe this is a job the Lord has given me to do and I am so grateful for it, but I am just going a little crazy. I am not a spring chicken myself , I am 67 years old . Bear in mind that she won't adapt she wants to do the things that she wanted to do before and she can't. Can anyone offer advice? No she does not listen to reason
It is all unbearably frustrating.
You may be facing a difficult lesson that so many of us have had to learn. You cannot make your mother happy. You must focus on keeping her safe. You cannot fix her. Dementia only gets worse.
Remember, YOUR life has value and you are entitled to live it too.
Your mom is 101 for Pete's sake, and has had her life. What about your happiness and your life?
You can't MAKE anyone else happy and you will die trying. You must just accept that your mom is never going to be happy and that is her choice. Period.
So instead try focusing on what makes YOU happy and just enjoy whatever time your mom has left here on this earth, because as you know at 101 she won't be here much longer.
Not everything in life is fixable, certainly not boredom at 101 years old. I'd offer your mother books on tape, a few tv shows and a fidget blanket or gizmo she can fiddle around with. Along with some music she can listen to, a few different foods she enjoys, and leave it at that. I'd also hire an in home companion to keep her occupied for a few hours a day which, if nothing else, lets YOU off the hook as her entertainment committee for that time period.
Expecting mom to listen to logic or be reasonable with ANY dementia at play is not something you should expect from her. Let go of that notion and speak to her doctor about stronger meds to keep her less agitated in general. My mother's chronic boredom w dementia was really restlessness which translated into agitation, especially in late afternoons (Sundowning). She had activities to enjoy in her memory care AL but always complained they were "baby games". There's ONLY SO MUCH you can do with these elders. Maybe give her a load of washcloths to fold to keep her occupied. But if she's like my mother was, she'd invent an issue with THAT activity too.
Hire a companion, regardless of what mom "wants", and go get lunch out and your hair done. Remember that your life matters here too....not just hers!
Like your mom, my friend’s mother had a horrific youth. She has never stayed in therapy long enough for it to be successful. She refuses to take medication for her anxiety and depression and I suspect that she has bipolar disorder. Her mood will flip in a second! She has extreme highs and lows.
She uses the Bible to abuse, condemn and criticize her daughter. Very often people who have mental illness have twisted versions of religion.
My friend has rejected all forms of faith because her mother presented such an ugly image of God. Her only image of God growing up was a big bully in the sky. There was no mention of God’s love, only his wrath.
My friend was in therapy to heal from her upbringing. Religious trauma is awful.
It is a nightmare and quite frankly it is more than any daughter should have to endure.
You mentioned that you felt that God called you to care for your mom.
My father had an expression when I was growing up which was. “God helps those who help themselves.”
My dad felt that God gave us free will and a brain for a reason. He taught me to have faith, to do my part, and to think rationally.
My father did not look upon God as a slot machine or Santa Clause who made all of our dreams come true. He saw Him as a guide. He did not view Him as someone to fear. Nor did he look at misfortune as God’s punishment upon us.
Those who believe in God and don’t take Him for granted do wish to have empathy and help others. Helping others does not mean that we are obligated to sacrifice our entire lives for them.
The best way to help someone is to teach them the tools to help themselves. If a person doesn’t respond to this teaching, it is perfectly acceptable to step away and allow others to help. Sometimes, a family member will listen to others far better than they listen to their children
I had cataract surgery 6 weeks ago. My vision in that eye is perfect, no correction needed. I had cataract surgery in my other eye 7 years ago, and that eye is also perfect because my astigmatism in that eye was corrected at the same time.
No one needs to be blind from cataracts, and your mother’s insistence on being almost blind has caused you major misery. I’m sorry for your troubles, and I’d have a hard time taking care of this woman if she were my mom.
Your assumption that she wouldn’t get along with a caregiver may be incorrect. Stop creating a narrative that keeps you in servitude to her. You have nothing to atone for. She’d be more likely to be friends with her caregiver if you’d back off and make it clear that you’re not going to take it anymore.
This phrase really stuck out to me. If you're paying someone it doesn't matter if your mom is a nice person - unless she's really abusive, which of course nobody should put up with including you! Believe me I understand how easy it is to get sucked into what the elder wants, but take some time to think about what YOU want. Mom can be told she'll be cared for by some other person for a few hours a week so you can have a break. Medicaid may pay for it too depending on her circumstances. Hang in there!
I can't do audio books. My mind wanders. Why can you not get her a Kindle and subscribe to a book website. They have free ones. You download and can make the font as big as you want.
I would also ask her doctor if there is something to help calm her.
My Husband had an Uncle that after 90 thought he was going to die any day so didn't bother getting his cataracts done or getting hearing aides. He lived to be 98. Look what he missed by being stubborn.
Many years ago before caregiving I used to volunteer as a “friendly visitor” for a local charity (Jewish Family and Children’s Services). A couple of the elders I visited regularly were Holocaust survivors and had visible scars, both physical and emotional. But even though my visits and phone calls with them were often difficult and filled with complaints about this, that and the other, I felt like I was helping just being a non-family member to complain to, someone uninvolved and without a lot of baggage. It was a rewarding volunteering experience for me, too.
Anyway, I hope you can find some ways to improve the situation for both you and your mother. 😊
See All Answers