Hi and thank you for reading!
My 85 year old mom has declined physically and mentally since 2020. She went from refusing a cane to being completely dependent on a walker. She was a brilliant school teacher and now forgets words, mispronounces others (monkey pox is “monkey paws”) and exhibits short term memory issues. Also has breast cancer which is in remission (she takes estrogen blocker) and a pacemaker. She has fallen a few times and cannot get up when she does, but refuses a medic alert necklace (I bought her one and it sat in the box for a year).
I feel overwhelmed by her constant need for attention: everyday is a new health complaint (teeth, eyes, infected mosquito bite, sciatica etc) or some crisis. She barely leaves her house (except to go to a doctor or Physical therapy once a week) and since my husband and teenage daughter got Covid three months ago, refuses to see us even though she is doubly boosted.
Adding to my stress is the fact that my 51 year old sister lives with her. They have codependency and enmeshment issues and try and suck me into their problems daily. My sister has an undiagnosed mental illness—likely Asperger’s, anxiety and depression—which my mom refuses to acknowledge. My sister resorts to victim mode and acts childlike when she has to take on any responsibility; she won’t hear that my mom is declining and rages when I suggest it. Every problem they run to me and demand I solve it for them. When I put up boundaries or say I can’t, they make me the villain: they curse me out, call me selfish and hang up on me. My mother screamed at me just the other day, “the only person you care about is your kid! You don’t care about us!” I was shocked; she has always adored her one and only grandchild.
I struggle with anxiety myself, which this constant drama is making worse. I recently woke up gasping for air In the middle of the night (my therapist said it was a panic attack and advised me to join this forum for support).
My mom is terrified of dying, and has pushed most of her old friends away—everyone annoys her and is “full of themselves.” I am the only person she can complain to when my sister goes to work (she hates her job at the Veterans Administration and complains bitterly that her bosses hate her). At this point, I feel overwhelmed and stressed: I dread calling my mom and find communicating with her and my sister impossible. If I don’t call she screams at me “yes, I know you’re too busy—you’re so important!”
My sister is antagonistic and cannot talk about anything besides her own self perceived woes. She has kidney stones and thinks she is disabled. The two of them go nowhere for fear of getting Covid and make up their own rules. They will go to any doctors office or hospital but won’t see us even outdoors for a visit. They wear masks constantly and misinterpret the news they watch 24/7. My mom has stopped being an avid reader and now only watches Netflix or old TV shows like “Happy Days.” No matter what I suggest, she refuses. I am truly at my wit’s end and could use some advice. She says I’m a selfish, bad daughter and I know I am only trying to live my life and stay out of their circle of crazy.
Yes, I hear you & agree: stay out of range.
I liken it to getting off the bus. In your case it's not driving blind to crazy town but bogged going no-where. Either way, stay off the bus.
Instead, be ready to call (for professional help) when there is a crash.
This is what was told to do;
1. Advice them
2. Let them decide
3. Consequences are theirs
So advice what is available for things they may need help with - cleaning services, meals or other deliveries etc. Don't fall for being their step & fetch-it maid.
I have a theory that co-dependancy is like a snowball. It grows past the original two people & tries to suck in another. Another person is another source to get needs met, another person to offload responsibility onto.
The pressure of that snowball was like an avalanche ready to smother me.
I had that gasping for air in the night too! But slowly I built up my boundaries. This has really helped.
Keep up the chat if it helps you 🤗
mother and sister have serious issues. Seems like the best thing to do is to leave them alone and let them figure it out. No one has to answer a phone if they don’t want to. And why would you want to see them anyway?
Second is your mom - her lack of interest in anything but old shows makes me suspect there could be some degree of cognitive decline, the inability to pick up where she has left off in a book or to follow new plot lines and the characters of new shows can be subtle warning signs. But it's your sister who is the main caregiver, so be very thoughtful before giving unsolicited advice! Who has POA (health and financial)?
And what's stopping you visiting your mom while sis is at work?
My husband had a liver transplant in April at the Mayo Clinic where we lived in a hotel for 7 weeks, with me as his caregiver the entire time. We spent 7 weeks inside of medical facilities, hospitals, ERs, doctors offices, etc. We wore masks, as demanded, and had our shots, as demanded, that was it. Neither one of us contracted the virus. We were told by the Mayo doctors to continue living our lives when we got home, to take no extraordinary precautions in spite of DH being immuno-suppressed due to his transplant meds. Not immuno-compromised......but immuno SUPPRESSED. We were told to live life as always, just wear a mask when going out. DH did not get a new liver and a new life so that we could live it in fear, hiding out in our basement, afraid to go see our family members for catching The Virus. We live life on a daily basis, come what may.
That said, your mother and sister are entitled to live their lives as they see fit too. You can't 'help' them see the light or the 'error of their ways' b/c they don't see that there IS an error in their thinking. So there isn't. Leave them alone to live their lives as you go about living yours. Which means you need to dramatically cut down your contact with them, in my opinion. Because your contact with them destroys your peace of mind. And serves no useful purpose. You're entitled to live your life as you see fit, and they are entitled to live their lives as they see fit. Right?
Just as my DH & I are living life as we see fit, while others may look at us and gasp, saying OMG HOW RIDICULOUS that you're putting your LIVES IN DANGER by going out of your house every day!!!!!!!!!!!! Our lives, our choice.
Your mother's life and your sister's life, their choice. They can live in fear and histrionics every day if they'd like, but YOU don't have to choose to get caught up in that drama. There is where your freedom of choice comes into play. They will suck the joy right out of you if you let them because they are energy vampires. I use that term to apply to certain personality types that see the glass as half empty rather than half full. Those people that love misery so much they meet it half way. That want to suck you into their drama and pity party and hold out a magnet to lure you in. Recognize it and avoid it. You can love these people but still be aware of their magnetic pull so you can avoid it. It's okay to love them but still avoid them to protect YOURSELF.
That's my suggestion: love them from afar while protecting yourself from their toxic fumes.
Take care of yourself and family. It's perfectly okay to do that, so don't think otherwise. It's healthy to set boundaries and to avoid toxic influences in your life to keep yourself safe and sane. Please do so. You are worth it.
Honestly, not to be rude, but it looks like you are in denial of your Mom's aging. What your Mom is going through is pretty much normal aging. Those of us of a certain age are currently experiencing such issues. My sig-other and I are in my mid 70's and miss hear things that news reporters are saying. It's due to our aging brain not correctly translating the message. It's normal.
Ah, trying to get up when one has either fallen down or was just squatting down to clean something. Again, part of aging.
Yep, reading becomes difficult as we age. Both sig-other and I have put away our books and now watching more TV, and old movies. Again, all normal part of aging. We are now using close caption.
Take a deep breathe, and gather some patience.
You can't change one bit of them and they way they act but you can absolutely control how you respond to them. For example when someone screams insults at you that's your chance to say "Sounds like you're having a bad day I'll call back at a better time" and then hang up. Set some boundaries about what kind of behavior you'll put up with and what you'll do when your expectations are not met. It's REALLY hard to learn after a lifetime of thinking you're responsible for the happiness of your mom but it's worth it.
You sister aged 51 and working, should be able to work on her problems sharing a house with your mother. If she can go to work, she is not totally reclusive, and is already making contacts that are just a ‘covid dangerous’ as seeing you.
The ‘simple’ answer to the problems in your post, is to cut contact. Block taking calls from either of them. You may still get calls from sister at work, but you can probably block them too. If they want to contact you, they can do it in person or write you a snail mail letter.
If they can’t deal with their problems, including medical appointments, they will reach a crisis point where something has to change – not just drop all problems on you. Perhaps it would help if you think about ‘conditions’ on which you will provide help, including them getting in touch with other sources of help and support. You cannot let yourself be the solution to all their problems, as well as the dumping ground for all their gripes.
What does your husband think about all this? It would be worthwhile to tell him how fed-up you are (you may be making excuses for them at the moment), and brainstorm together about what to do. In many cases, this means letting things get worse to trigger the crisis that allows them to get better.
Yours, Margaret