It would be fine if he hadn't had several minor strokes in recent years, is struggling with undiagnosed cognitive decline (which is obvious to my brother and I, but his doctor seems to think that so long as he knows who the current president is, he's fine -- this year he wired thousands of $$ off to China in a scam, is unable to pay bills or do his taxes, gets lost driving, and is often depressed), has diabetes, mobility, and gastric issues... He's living in an assisted living facility because he hoards and couldn't care for his house any longer. I found grandnephews who will gladly drive and go along for the road trip, but dad refuses. He's planning to leave in 48 hours and doesn't want anyone getting in the way. My brother has Power of Attorney and is considering taking dad's keys until he agrees to take someone with him. We want dad to enjoy what time he has, and he loves road trips. But we don't want to see him get hurt or even worse, hurt anyone else. The assisted living staff say that unless he demonstrates an inability to make the trip or gets into an accident or harms himself or anyone else, there's nothing that can be done. He's extremely stubborn and is used to being the boss. Unfortunately, his reasoning seems to be impaired on top of these qualities, and he's already angry that we're objecting to his trip. ps - We do have a tracking device on his phone. Last year during a similar trip, I spent hours talking him out of wrong turns and directing him to motels where I had decided for him, since he isn't interested/able to make arrangements himself and can't seem to operate his GPS anymore or use maps in his phone. He's starting to have a hard time just using the phone at all anymore. *Sigh.* Any suggestions?
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It was going to take some super-enabling.. The dutiful son planned to drive something like 14hrs round trip.. To drop off, set them up with power, food etc, fly home, then return in a week or so. 😫
The folks couldn't drive, do stairs, order food..
Have the police accompany him back to the AL.
AND arrange a thorough cognitive assessment.
Take away his keys and disable the car. Don't even try and reason. If he wants to go on the trip, get him to see a dr. who can verify he is competent to complete this type of trip on his own.
Really, it doesn't matter that he's "used to being the boss." And as you said, "if you want your dad to enjoy what time he has" - then you'll do whatever it takes to make sure he is accompanied for his trip. We all have to face different times in life when we're not able to do certain things...that's the reality of life. And if he wound up hurting/killing himself or someone on the road, then what?
So, he likes road trips? That's nice. Well, then he'll need to accept that his plans need to be modified. He has shown many instances of poor judgment - that's enough not to put him behind the wheel by himself - so much could go wrong. In fact, it would be really irresponsible of you and your brother to not do whatever you can to take the appropriate safety measures. Enough with trying to ease into this or doing this delicately ...or he'll be gone and on the road by then.
Regarding my own father driving (who also is extremely stubborn and loves to drive - and is brutally tough), I stood firm - didn't provide any leeway - and enforced what needed to be done - that's all.
Your brother, as the POA, needs to take a stand - he needs to do More than "consider" taking his keys unless someone can accompany him. Dealing with your father driving to and from a road trip is like asking for a problem, as is. You both need to stand firm and make whatever arrangements you can.
Common sense says that for the sake of his safety and that of the public, you stop him by disabling his car. You pull spark plugs wires, fuses, and maybe run his battery dead while you're at it -- whatever you need to do to keep this from happening. If you've done three things to disable the car, that'd be pretty tough to diagnose with a quick trip from the AAA and should buy you some time.
The last thing I'd worry about is the legality of preventing this trip from happening. Who's going to get arrested over disabling his car?
The first problem is that he's got undiagnosed dementia. The second is that he's in AL, not Memory Care, and the third is that he still has a car in his possession.
Sometimes we have to do things to protect others because the law is screwed up. You would feel worse if he goes and kills someone while driving or seriously injured someone.
Do what you have to do and be a hero. This is your chance to do the right thing. Will you?
Do NOT give him any help in this endeavor. NONE.
Is the POA activated, if it needs to be? If so, your brother has a responsibility to do the right thing and not let your father endanger innocent people. It's hard and dad will be mad, like my mom was when we stopped allowing her to drive. It's OK, she got over it.
His regular doctor is NOT the one to determine if he is OK or not. Get him for a neuro eval or something like that to really find out if he has issues.
I expect he will keep his driving until he really can't. If it does go bad, you will know he did what he loved.. until he couldn't.
I would have a FIRM chat with Dad. Advise him with honesty about your concerns. Discuss safety & his emergency plans. Add;
- I advise you strongly to get your car mechanically fit for a trip.
- I advise you strongly to get YOURself a fitness checkup too. (This being the Neuro Eval).
- explain this time you will not be giving directions. If he wants to go, he must be independent, including map reading or using GPS.
- Add you will alert Police if he is lost to enable him to be returned home.
Then IF he does go, don't save him. Hold to your word.
When he calls for directions you alert the Police to go get your poor confused Father.
Are you ready for this level of Tough Love?
Then be his support. 😓💙
Not dignity of choice.
Choosing to maybe kill someone (or disable them for life) (or psychologically traumatize someone in a potential accident) is not dignity of choice.
OP’s father is acting immorally by being OK with risking other people’s lives.
The"mistake" was his going last year and you helping him out; that may have given him the impression that you'll do that again this time around. As long as he is of that mindset, he'll probably no biggie making this trip again.
He has a Cell Phone. Can you track it? or can you track the car using the GPS?
Unfortunately often "we" have to wait until some catastrophic event forces/enables a change. Hopefully the catastrophic event does not involve others or a fatality of the family member
Do you have keys to his car? If you do I would sneak over to AL after dark and disable the car so it is not drivable then do not help him get it fixed. It's sneaky but you have to protect him and others.
If you dont have keys maybe slashing his tires would work. He cant drive if he can't drive. Just make sure there are no cameras at the AL or hide your face/identity and go after dark.
One little mistake while driving, and your father might harm someone for life. Some innocent, unfortunate person driving on the road at the same time as your father.
Look, if you are interested in getting your dad a proper workup for his cognitive issues, you don't rely on a primary care doctor. He needs to be seen by a neuropsychologist (think 3-6 hours of paper and pencil testing) and a geriatric psychiatrist to assess his mental health.
Maybe just stop fighting with him and he'll realize he no longer has the planning capacity to make this trip.
Has he made hotel reservations along the way?
Does he have current maps? A GPS system in his car? Is his car registration up to date and has it been checked by a mechanic recently?
Thank goodness you care - about his safety, and others on the road.
It sounds very dangerous. He could kill someone. Please continue doing all you can to stop him from driving, going on that road trip alone. He shouldn’t be driving at all. It’s really irresponsible/immoral of him to risk other people’s lives on the road.