There are 4 sisters in our family. My oldest being 88 years old in good health. She recently lost her husband. She has 3 grown children none are willing to help her out or take her in or find a place for her. Or at least that's what we've been told. My sister has reached out to one of my sisters (who is married) to ask if she can come live with her. There is a 17-year age difference. I have read many responses to having parents or in-laws moving in with you. How do you feel about elderly siblings moving in? I'm apprehensive for them as I feel their lives will never be the same. They will not be her caregiver per se NOW but her health WILL decline.... then what? They still will have to do minimal caregiver duties... driving her to doctors appointments... etc..
And the brother in law gets along with the 88-year-old sister.
Your thoughts...
88 is too old for a 71 year old to care for, it's too much. Someone is going to fall, break something and we all know where that goes.
I would check out options for your sister before I had her move in with anyone. If she has a home she can sell and go into an IL or AL. I am 72 and would not take a sibling in. She may be healthy today but a debilitating stroke tomorrow. Is your younger sister ready to give up what is the rest of her life. Is older sister willing to stay home while her sister and husband do their thing or will she expect them to take them with them. There should be a contract where she pays to live there. I have told my DH for years 2 women cannot live in the same house especially when one owns it. I don't care how well people get along, living together is not the same thing.
Your older sister needs to adjust to her situation. Its really early to make longterm plans.
It’s worked out great! It helps that we’ve always liked the same things. A few things are off: she’s an early bird and I’m an insomniac. But we are just quiet when the other sleeps.
I highly recommend it!
And, what has your SISTER done to plan for her OWN care? That's my second question.
To assume that anyone 'must' take her in to live with them is the problem. Plans should be made to get her set up with either;
1: in home caregivers
2: in Independent Senior Living if she doesn't need help or
3: Assisted Living if she needs help & has the finances to support it, or
4: Skilled Nursing with Medicaid if she has a lot of health issues and no finances.
In my world, it's up to your sister's children to figure out how to help their mother make her future care plans. Whoever 'told you' her children aren't willing to step up may not have the full picture. Your sister should take the matter up with her grown children and ask them for their help & guidance in getting set up accordingly.
The reality is your 88-yr old sister and her possible housemates/caregivers are on the same aging pathway at similar speeds of increasing decline and needs. What happens when one of the housemates:
- becomes fully incontinent
- is a fall-risk; falls and breaks a hip/femur/dominant arm/back
- can no longer safely drive
- needs help getting into and out of the car
- develops a health issue (diabetes, cancer, heart problems, etc)
- can no longer manage their finances
- runs out of money
- develops dementia/memory loss and becomes uncooperative or aggressive or fixated or or or...
- etc (just read around on this forum for the likely possibilities)
As elders themselves (your other sis and BIL) they will soon become overwhelmed by the demands of caring for a full-grown 88-yr old adult who will only require more and more of their time and physical efforts. This could apply to anyone in that house, not just your sister. People in their 60s and 70s develop Parkinsons and dementia all the time -- it's not something one can control or predict. What happens if one of the younger housemates develops a problem...then the other person has to now care for 2 needy people.
Who is going to be the PoA for the 88-yr old sister? I personally would want someone an entire generation younger than myself because it is a big responsibility, not to mention they'd have their own spouse for which to be PoA.
Alone? In AL? Only if she were to move into one with nothing to offer. She'd be alone if she never came out of her room to enjoy whatever clubs, activities, events, field trips and people the community has to offer. My MIL is in such a place. They do exist. IMO seniors in in-home care are far more cloistered than in a care community. Your sister's housemates will shortly become her only entertainment. This happens all the time when seniors begin to lose their memories, no longer drive, don't know the neighbors.... Been there, done that with my own mother. No thanks.
I have nothing against a realistic home-based plan, but seniors caring for another senior in their retirement when there are other good options? I would discourage this arrangement since your other sister and BIL don't really know what they're signing up for, realistically. They are romanticizing things. Please refer them to this forum and have them read some posts under the topic about Caregiver Burnout.
Since no one can predict the future, I'd help the 88-yr old sister to find a nice facility close to someone who is young enough and willing to be her PoA.
This is a tough situation. 88 years old is a vulnerable time in one's life. It's sad that none of her adult children want to pull together and find an option that would help their mom. Is there a specific reason?
Ideally she would be a nursing home or care facility given her age. Because I feel it would be safer to have 24 hour supervision if possible.
I know we all mean well and want to be helpful but the youngest and her husband might come to regret this decision. Over time being a full time caregiver can lead to resentment and anger and frustration. There is a lots to discuss and consider before making this big decision.
I hope your family can have a talk to figure out what is best for your oldest sibling. It must be a scary and sad time for her to lose her husband and living alone at 88 years old.