There are 4 sisters in our family. My oldest being 88 years old in good health. She recently lost her husband. She has 3 grown children none are willing to help her out or take her in or find a place for her. Or at least that's what we've been told. My sister has reached out to one of my sisters (who is married) to ask if she can come live with her. There is a 17-year age difference. I have read many responses to having parents or in-laws moving in with you. How do you feel about elderly siblings moving in? I'm apprehensive for them as I feel their lives will never be the same. They will not be her caregiver per se NOW but her health WILL decline.... then what? They still will have to do minimal caregiver duties... driving her to doctors appointments... etc..
And the brother in law gets along with the 88-year-old sister.
Your thoughts...
This is a tough situation. 88 years old is a vulnerable time in one's life. It's sad that none of her adult children want to pull together and find an option that would help their mom. Is there a specific reason?
Ideally she would be a nursing home or care facility given her age. Because I feel it would be safer to have 24 hour supervision if possible.
I know we all mean well and want to be helpful but the youngest and her husband might come to regret this decision. Over time being a full time caregiver can lead to resentment and anger and frustration. There is a lots to discuss and consider before making this big decision.
I hope your family can have a talk to figure out what is best for your oldest sibling. It must be a scary and sad time for her to lose her husband and living alone at 88 years old.
88 is too old for a 71 year old to care for, it's too much. Someone is going to fall, break something and we all know where that goes.
And, what has your SISTER done to plan for her OWN care? That's my second question.
To assume that anyone 'must' take her in to live with them is the problem. Plans should be made to get her set up with either;
1: in home caregivers
2: in Independent Senior Living if she doesn't need help or
3: Assisted Living if she needs help & has the finances to support it, or
4: Skilled Nursing with Medicaid if she has a lot of health issues and no finances.
In my world, it's up to your sister's children to figure out how to help their mother make her future care plans. Whoever 'told you' her children aren't willing to step up may not have the full picture. Your sister should take the matter up with her grown children and ask them for their help & guidance in getting set up accordingly.
I would check out options for your sister before I had her move in with anyone. If she has a home she can sell and go into an IL or AL. I am 72 and would not take a sibling in. She may be healthy today but a debilitating stroke tomorrow. Is your younger sister ready to give up what is the rest of her life. Is older sister willing to stay home while her sister and husband do their thing or will she expect them to take them with them. There should be a contract where she pays to live there. I have told my DH for years 2 women cannot live in the same house especially when one owns it. I don't care how well people get along, living together is not the same thing.
Your older sister needs to adjust to her situation. Its really early to make longterm plans.
Do you have a relationship with any of her three children? You might want to reach out to get their input on what is happening. Maybe they have offered but she has declined. Who knows.
Looked at one way--there are often two persons of similar age living together. If there is room and willingness, then why not three? For instance, I am 80. My partner is 82. It is clear to us at this point that ONE of us will not be whole and able at SOME point. We are willing to help when/where/how, to support, to the limits of our abilities, but we speak of it and we KNOW our limitations. Know that one of us may need to be placed for safe care at some point.
All of this should be understood. That it will be taken day by day. That in age no one of them will be able to care for the other, and a "downturn" of some point may need to end with placement. I would work out all financial and health possibilities before hand as much as possible, knowing things will be missed. There needs to be frank and honest discussions and understandings before a move and it should be done on an experimental basis with discussions about lifestyle, privacy, costs, possibilities going forward, reassessments on a bi-yearly basis, and etc.
Everyone is different. I find it difficult to live with anyone, so wouldn't be adding persons to my household; I pretty much know that ongoing. Some people are "more the merrier" by nature.
Best of luck. Everything cannot be foreseen. Just try to plan for what you DO foresee.
assisted living would be the best thing for sis.
Many times there isn't any other choice so they have to.
There's a choice in this case and if they all want to try it, they should.
Your sister and BIL should try with your 88 year old sister moving in. They might get along well and be very happy together.
If the time comes when she needs care, there are options. Like homecare coming in, AL, or a NH. If they're willing, they should try it.
It rarely works out for Seniors to move in with each other because both are set in their ways. Some people just cannot change. Both would need their own space. A room to get away, bathroom to themselves. Can't have a neat nick leaving with a slob. Each has to understand is a living arrangement not a marriage. Meaning each has their freedoms to come and go. For instance, I love my BF but I clean up after I bake, she leaves stuff in the sink till she gets around to doing them.
With this situation you have the oldest living with the youngest. The oldest more like a mother than a sister. Is she going to talk to the sister like she is her mother. I know my DHs Aunt, when she became a widow, thought my FIL should not move 16 hrs away because she felt he and another brother were obligated to care for her. Ended up her 2 youngest sisters took on getting her placed and did for her. No, they did not physically care for her because both had their own health problems. They called her the Queen. She never had children and her DH waited on her hand and foot and I am sure her and the one sister would not have gotten on. Both the younger sisters had worked while raising families, both widows. Spoiled they were not.
It’s worked out great! It helps that we’ve always liked the same things. A few things are off: she’s an early bird and I’m an insomniac. But we are just quiet when the other sleeps.
I highly recommend it!
The reality is your 88-yr old sister and her possible housemates/caregivers are on the same aging pathway at similar speeds of increasing decline and needs. What happens when one of the housemates:
- becomes fully incontinent
- is a fall-risk; falls and breaks a hip/femur/dominant arm/back
- can no longer safely drive
- needs help getting into and out of the car
- develops a health issue (diabetes, cancer, heart problems, etc)
- can no longer manage their finances
- runs out of money
- develops dementia/memory loss and becomes uncooperative or aggressive or fixated or or or...
- etc (just read around on this forum for the likely possibilities)
As elders themselves (your other sis and BIL) they will soon become overwhelmed by the demands of caring for a full-grown 88-yr old adult who will only require more and more of their time and physical efforts. This could apply to anyone in that house, not just your sister. People in their 60s and 70s develop Parkinsons and dementia all the time -- it's not something one can control or predict. What happens if one of the younger housemates develops a problem...then the other person has to now care for 2 needy people.
Who is going to be the PoA for the 88-yr old sister? I personally would want someone an entire generation younger than myself because it is a big responsibility, not to mention they'd have their own spouse for which to be PoA.
Alone? In AL? Only if she were to move into one with nothing to offer. She'd be alone if she never came out of her room to enjoy whatever clubs, activities, events, field trips and people the community has to offer. My MIL is in such a place. They do exist. IMO seniors in in-home care are far more cloistered than in a care community. Your sister's housemates will shortly become her only entertainment. This happens all the time when seniors begin to lose their memories, no longer drive, don't know the neighbors.... Been there, done that with my own mother. No thanks.
I have nothing against a realistic home-based plan, but seniors caring for another senior in their retirement when there are other good options? I would discourage this arrangement since your other sister and BIL don't really know what they're signing up for, realistically. They are romanticizing things. Please refer them to this forum and have them read some posts under the topic about Caregiver Burnout.
Since no one can predict the future, I'd help the 88-yr old sister to find a nice facility close to someone who is young enough and willing to be her PoA.
https://www.aplaceformom.com
The 88 year old sister should consider independent living that moves to assisted living and then skilled nursing. This isn’t cheap but it doesn’t put the burden on family members.
She should really discuss this with her children as this will impact their inheritance if there is any. It makes more sense for her to make her own way and join the activities, exercise programs and the doctor is usually available. She should designate someone as her POA to help her, but then doesn’t burden them with caring for her all the time.
How does the sibling that has been asked to share a house with their sister feel?
I can tell from experience that my sister and I would do well for a few days. Maybe a week if we were lucky. Much longer than that I would not be responsible for my actions and would probably be looking for a deep hole. (Only partly kidding, if she truly needed my help and I were going to be her caregiver I would do it in a heart beat. But if she is healthy...no way)
2 Personal opinions here
#1 I think that the sister who wants to move in with the other should look at Independent Living facilities that also have continuing care in case a move to Assisted Living and or Memory Care is needed.
And
#2 If this is concerning your siblings and does not directly effect you let this decision be theirs to make not yours. If it is their mistake to make so be it, if it works out great.
Aunt 2 started to decline immediately due to worry and stress about being responsible for Aunt 1. So her children moved Aunt 1 into an adult care home then SNF until her death at 95. Aunt 2 is still going strong at 98.
Moral is, the caregiver is the one who experiences all the stress and worry when caring for an elderly person. What kind of job requires you to be on call 24/7?
I’d suggest that it’s best noto assume that the adult children are walking away, ‘abandoning’, and all the other things. A meeting with everyone involved could be a good idea, researched before hand so that all the problems and all the options are on the table.