CharlesEldredge Asked July 2017
My 92-year-old mother is independent, but sometimes gets finances confused. What do I do?
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Dr will not diagnose her, cuz get DL would be revoked. I am alone and don't believe I can continue to care for her without control of her finances as she is stubborn, and while mostly able to do her own finances occasionally I have to straighten out messes. She's on social security. I don't know how to go about finding a place to care for her, or if I even have a say in where she goes. What do I do?
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There's nothing to put on auto pay I don't think. We got rid of her 2 credit cards, no longer has car insurance, and her phone is on my plan. All the bills are mine.
She is paying for her mobile help button....and that is on auto pay. And she switched from the pendant around her neck to the wrist band and seems to like it better...hopefully she isn't taking it off...I haven't seen her without it so far.
I've resigned myself to keeping her here until it's truly not possible...and hopefully she passes here quietly when it's her time.
I was in my mid 40's when she came to live with me, after being unable to live with any other family members. I'm 59 now. And her physical health is so good she could live another 10 or 15 years. I'll be 69-74 by then.
I stopped having most friends over or having any social gatherings at my home, except with a couple of very close friends and family, years ago, because she can be petty mean to them at times. I don't want that for the people who visit my home.
For a long time I kept getting to points where I would say enough is enough and getting pretty upset with her being here, but at 92 I couldn't send her off by herself, so my end of my rope moments are fewer and I come to my senses quicker.
Maybe 10 years ago she could have gotten her own place, but not at this point. It is what it is. I feel I'm doing the right thing. So be it.
My 90 year old Mom wouldn't wear her life alert button either. We begged and pleaded for 2 years She said she would, but didn't. Finally cancelled it. She lives alone. Very frustrating.
I would make Sure she doesn't drive. Does she have access to a car? She could hurt or kill others or herself. I wrote the Secretary of State because of my mom's vision and frailty. They sent her a letter saying she'd have to take a driving test if she wanted to renew (she has no clue it was me. Thinks it's Dr. Or State). So she knew it was time and she'd never pass. She hadn't driven in some time anyway since my Dad did most driving until he passed away 2 years ago.
Intercept the mail? Are you on her account? Or can you set everything on auto pay?
It's not easy. We can't Make them do anything ☹️ Good luck.
Now that we cancelled her Macy's and Bloomingdales cards I don't think she has any bills. She lives with me so all the bills are mine and I provide her with a cell phone on my plan. She stopped driving so she doesn't have the insurance bill anymore.
I am going to monitor her bank acct to make sure she's not caught up in anything. She did have a recurring charge for a political candidate, but she said she cancelled that herself. Ill be checking for that. I found out about it after the fact...if she did actually cancel it.
Thanks for your input. It's always good to hear of others experiences.
But seriously, I'm sure you could gain some good skills in watching her stuff.
Thank you for giving me a better overview of what people mean by medications. That helps. She's not seeing an Alzheimer's specialist. I may try to get her back to the Alzheimer's center for further testing. She didn't like the girl there, as you, or someone else said, because the girl had testing that my mother could not handle.
My mother has always had a strong, feisty, & testy personality....and has always had trouble admitting any faults. Sometimes she is much sweeter now with her more child like personality, but she also can get very anxious when confronted with certain things.
Polarbear123...
Thank you for sharing your experiences. These things can be so tricky as to who can do what when. So sorry for your recent loss.
freqflyer...
Thank you for sharing some of those specifics about power of attorney. That's very helpful. I am currently medical power of attorney, and making my sister one also is a good idea.
You may be right about why she chose me to take control of her finances, but I know it's also because she trusts me. She knows I've never been about greed and I'm pretty good with finances. My sister is the same, but sometimes my mother gets an attitude about her that I've never understood, knowing, as I do, how good my sister is. Thank you for your input.
And thank you all! I've only been on here a short time, but I've gotten so many great answers that have really helped me to understand certain things. It's a real blessing. God bless you all.
I remember on this forum where the son was clueless about handling money and his sister was a CPA. The parents choose the son.... [sigh].
For your sister to handle Mom's finances, she would need to have Mom elect her to be the primary financial Power of Attorney, with you being secondary. And what about the medical Power of Attorney? Maybe you being primary and your sister being equal since she works in the medical field.
It all came to a head when she was very ill and we finally got the ball rolling to get her medication. Dad was oblivious and Mom could not longer make decisions. My sister and I got homecare together for him, and then finally my younger brother got on board and would do a lot to make their life better and easier.
I just hope you can get the right medication for your mother Charles. It does not mean your mother will always be happy, but more calm. I know with Mom some things upset her because it was part of her personality, so we had to be careful to respect what she did not like. ie touching her unless she welcomed touch, messing with her food etc. Many things that would annoy me too if someone was in my space if I did not want them to be.
Mom lived almost 7 years after her diagnosis before passing just recently, and there were some very happy moments I had before at times despite her not being herself anymore. I know deep down Mom knew us because she was more comfortable with her husband and her children.
From what you've written, it doesn't sound as though your mom is being seen by a dementia specialist. It also doesn't sound like she's interested in getting a dignosis, or pursuing treatment.
In any event, what some of us here are talking about when we say "medication helps", we're talking about that help with depression, anxity and agitation, which are sometimes the result of brain damage from dementia.
So, antidepressants, anti anxiety medication and sometimes antipsychotics are used to treat those symptoms
Now there's that medication question again. I know there's no cure, but had always heard there were prescription therapies that could slow it down. But I've also heard there are no effective treatments. It's that issue with the Dr that I'm having difficulty with.
And you're right about finding another Dr...could be good...could be bad.
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for telling me that. She is not driving now. And, while she occasionally talks about getting another car, she mostly accepts that she should not be driving. It's been about 8 months since she stopped driving. Thank you for your input!
Thank you so much for what you said, that "there is no effective treatment for dementia". I had always heard there were drugs and dietary changes that could slow the process down. I was frustrated that the Dr was letting years go by without diagnosing and treating her. So that helps me to understand his reluctance to diagnose her. And, are you saying there is no effective treatment for Alzheimer's as well? I have known there is no cure for either.
And also what you said about the paper and pencil tests makes a lot of sense to me. At the Alzheimer's center at the University I was not allowed to be in the room during testing, but I believe it was partly a paper and pencil test. And at the Dr's office it is only a mini mental exam of some questions asked.
We did have a bit of a breakthrough yesterday. She said she had thought about what I said about her putting someone else in control of her finances. I had suggested my sister, a specific friend she trusts, or myself. She said she would be willing to do that! She said she would prefer me to do that, but I would rather it be someone else...not so close to the situation at home. Not of that's her preference I can't say no. Of course, it remains to be seen if she will follow thru with it, but it was encouraging.
Thank you again, Barb, for the input. It's really helpful.
It is important that your Mom is diagnosed, the doctor can give medication that can help her and it will help calm her down, it sure helped my Mom when he gave her the right medication.
I was with my Dad when he drove, it was scary, it is important that she not drive, she could get hurt and others too. My brother had to take a part out my Dad's car to ensure he did not drive, but he also left a note on his car telling him why he cannot drive. He goes out to the garage once in awhile to check it out. It's hard, but for her own safety this must be done.
Perhaps your Mom needs a new doctor, although I can imagine that might be tough to get another one in this day and age. Praying for things to work out for you.
Blessings,
Jamie
This is the hard part. It's tough to tell your parent they have to do something when they don't want to.
There really is no effective treatment for dementia. Her doctor is leaving well enough alone. But he Should tell he that she shouldn't be driving.
He could say it's because of her reflexes or something.
I don't understand her Dr. I've tried for several years to get him to treat her dementia or Alzheimer's, but he's done nothing. I see the changes but he doesn't. I took her to an Alzheimer's center at the University and they tested her and said she needed further testing. But she didn't like the girl there. I let her Dr know. So since then he gives her a silly little test of questions and she passes. But she can fire herself up when she needs to and she does that at his office. She likes him and I haven't made the time to switch her to a new Dr...if she would even allow it.
None of her friends are in independent living. The friends close to her age have all passed and all her current friends are much younger than her.
Thank you foryour input.
For the finances does she trust technology? Like can you get online access for her bank and cards and at least monitor her that way? Are any of her friends in an independent living center? Maybe you and the friend could convince your mom to give it a try -- she might enjoy the company. It might actually feel more independent to her in a way because she will not have to rely on you so much.
Her Dr said that to me when I pressed him as to why he was offering no help for my mother's progressive deterioration.
I'm still trying to figure out your first statement from the doctor. Did the doctor say that to you "I'm not going to diagnose your mohter with anything because it would cause here to get her driver's license revoked" or did she report to you that's what he said?
I think I'd go with her to next doc's appointment and report what you're seeing.
Jeanne Gibbs...she has very bad bone on bone knees, but has a high threshold for pain so is still mobile. She does most everything herself. She is administering her own prescriptions, but she takes then willy nilly and stops taking some without consulting her Dr.
She has trouble paying her bills. I kept hearing her on the phone yelling at people and when I checked into it she was paying huge late fees for the past 4 months on very low balances on her Bloomingdales and Macy's credit cards because she could not get things straight. I was able to convince her to pay them off and close those accounts.
Yesterday we had a big disagreement because she didn't want Mobile Help(the emergency button she wears) to continue to auto withdraw $179 out of her account every 6 months. I had spent a lot of time with her last December finding the best priced option for that service. And on top of that she promises to wear the button 24/7 but does not. I have gotten very upset with her several times over that and her friends have tried to convince her of the importance of wearing it. She says she will, but does not. I am alone caring for her and the house and I work 2 jobs and it's important she wear that emergency button as she falls quite often.
Thankfully most times her injuries are very minor. But one day I found her laying in the carport with her head partially under the car and a large pool of blood by her head. She had fallen down the steps head first. She was still driving at that point, tho she probably should not have been. She had 3 accidents last year and after the 3rd one her car was not worth repairing and we have mostly convinced her that it's time to stop driving. Her totalled car is still in the carport.
Our biggest problem is the financial stuff as I am constant having to get involved, but she is extremely stubborn and independent.
What do you think she should be diagnosed with? Do you think she has dementia? Not everyone who gets her finances mixed up (I'm raising my hand) is cognitively impaired. Does she have other symptoms?
What kind of care does she need? You say she in independent in your home. What does that mean? Can she fix her own lunch? Is she mobile? Can she handle all her toileting needs herself? Does she take medications? Who manages those? I'm wondering what kind of place she would need if she were to leave your home?
She's living in your home? And she's becoming unmanageable?