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Parents can no longer live where they do. House is too much to maintain and mom keeps falling. Mom is 76 with diabetes, CHF, about to go on dialysis. Dad has CHF, diagnosed 5 years back. Had valve replacement and stent last year. Fatigued at times but ok generally.


A few years back I suggested my parents move down. Now that they know they need to move, they want to come down and live with me. They would sell their place and give me the $$ to buy a bigger place for us all to live together (I’m divorced with 2 daughters...7th grade and 10 grade).


Actually it is more my mom that wants to live with me. My dad just doesn’t want to shovel or do any house maintenance except load the dishwasher. My mom is worried one of them will pass after moving in to AL and then be lonely and unable to move anywhere else.


If this were a few years back, it would have been ideal. With Covid, house prices are ridiculous! It will be difficult to find something that we can all be happy with in our price range without moving my kids from their school.


Where do I start with this whole process?

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Do not let parents move in with you or give you money for a larger home so they will fit. This would cause problems with qualifying for Medicaid. Move them closer to you, assisted living, but not in with you. They will take over your life and your kids as well.

First step, contact an elder law attorney to learn about legal issues with the elderly and get those powers of attorney, etc done.
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Agree with Glad.

Also, why would moving to an AL now mean that one of them coudn't move elsewhere later?

I found that when we started the conversatiin with my mother about looking for alternatives to living in her isolated suburban home, she had LOADS of inaccuarate preconceptions about how the financial arrangements worked. She kept telling me that you had to have "one million dollars in liquid assets and you have to sign them all over". Apparently that was true of one particular country club level, top of the line CCRC in Westchester, but it was not the norm at all.
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JoAnn29 avatar
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JoAnn29 Aug 2020
What she was talking about were the Communities that have IL, AL and LTC care. These places want a certain amount down to sort of hold your place. Problem is, you still private pay for the IL and the AL. I think 90% of the initial buy in goes towards your LTC and when that is gone Medicaid is applied for. I find that those without children go this way. Or, don't want to be a burden.
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Start by deciding very firmly that you will not be moving yourself and your daughters into a larger property with your parents. You will not be uprooting the young ladies and separating them from their friends and their neighbourhood. No. That's a no. Keep saying NO.

Next step: location location location. What kind of properties that would suit your parents are available near you? Have you had a good look? Keep an open mind - could be a retirement community, an ALF, even just an ordinary house or apartment provided it's close enough to all the relevant amenities and services.

And breathe deeply! There are many options, not just the either "with you" or "in ALF and die lonely and miserable." How far have you got with local research?
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If you let them move in your life will become a living hell. No exaggeration. Do not do it. For ANY reason.

You would be letting your parents down (even if they don't realize it). You would be letting your kids down. You would be letting yourself down. Do not give in, do not buckle, do not let them in with you "temporarily", do not give them a "trial period" to see "if it works".

Just. Don't. Do. It.

Why can't they just get an apartment? That would solve the issues of Dad not wanting to shovel or anything.
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Great advice here. Seriously consider how your life will change, not just for you, but for your daughters. Set boundaries and make decisions that are appropriate for you and your daughters' needs, as well as keeping your parents safe and cared for, which can be accomplished my finding what options there are in your area - an apartment, senior living, assisted living, etc. Make sure you have all of the information needed to make a good decision for everyone.
One thing you do not want is to have them live with you. They will become the focus of your life and you will have no privacy from one another. If they move nearby, that will be a much better circumstance for everyone, but they will still require more of your time than ever before and will increase as they continue to age. If they are well enough, an apartment might be the first step.
My Mom and her three sisters moved here in the mid 90s into their own apartment, and slowly changed my life in ways I never expected, most of which were not good. They inserted themselves into every aspect of my life, affecting both personal and professional decisions. Now it's just my Mom left a 93, and even though she doesn't live with me, she is very demanding and keeps me from living my life without her constant insertion and selfishness.
Even the nicest of parents will still have needs for which they'll turn to you, and you have to think of now as well as later and how you want it to work out the best for all involved. Clearly thinking about the factors and each person will help you set boundaries that you can live with as well as to enjoy your parents moving nearby while still maintaining your life.
I wish you and all of us caring for our loved ones the best!
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OkieGranny avatar
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OkieGranny Aug 2020
I don't mean to be harsh, but you are the one keeping yourself from living your life. Just say NO. Turn off your phone. Lay down some rules. Please don't be a doormat.
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Perhaps tell mom that they can find assisted living near you and that if something happens to one of them, and the other is really unhappy alone, the option would still be on the table to move in with you.

That would put them both together in assisted living (or other facility type) to transition, meet other people at facility, and maybe be ok with staying on after one passes. Try to find something with activities that would keep them engaged.
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With the health issues of both but especially your mother they need more care than you can manage to give. It will only be a matter of time that if your mom lives, she will need to be in long term care. It makes no sense to spend their money on a house. IF and that’s is a big if, assisted living will even take your mom, that is the best choice. No one can predict how long someone will live and Actually they will be less lonely around more people at AL. You of. Purse can visit regularly as can the grandkids.
I assume you still work, so let's say you buy a big home, they move in, you are working and mom keeps falling. She breaks a hip. Has to go into rehab and then likely into LTC. Now you have a bigger home with a bigger mortgage and no money to pay for her care. This is a bad decision all around if you look at the future which is staring you in the face. Do not do it. And do not let the word "guilt" even enter your mind. Be rational, think of long term projections, let your head rule what is in best interest of all. Good luck
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you're setting yourself up for a no-win situation. Whatever you do do not make the mistake of buying a house and moving them in , your whole life as you know it will cease to exist and resentment will build.... its inevitable. And don't move them close if they don't move some place that takes care everything else for them. My husband is a Slave to his parents who refuse to leave their home because they want to die there , yet they can't even change a lightbulb anymore or put batteries in a clicker. They look right at him and say we don't want to do that that's work. My husband still works full-time but is a slave to parents who just don't feel like doing any more work. His mom likes to throw things in his face to make him feel guilty like the fact that he borrowed $400 when he was 18 .....35 years ago, and his resentment is growing everyday.
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JoAnn29 avatar
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JoAnn29 Aug 2020
He needs to set boundries. They need to realize what they can and can't do anymore. Then maybe they will realize they need to downsize. If he is mowing their lawn, then he needs to tell them to hire some. Was the lightbulb important? Give them a white board to put things down the need or need done. He goes over once a week to do these things. Oh, I would pay that $400 back. He can only make himself feel guilty.
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Lots of good advice here. I would look at this from a long term perspective. And consult an elder care attorney to understand the future financial impact of them “giving you money” to buy a bigger house. If they both end up needing long term care or a higher level of care than you can provide in the home, do they have the additional funds or an income that will cover this or can they afford 24 hour caregivers? If they need Medicaid, they will need to spend their assets down, or do they expect you to quit your job and become their full time caregiver? Are you or can you realistically take on the care of two sick elderly people? Can you physically manage a big house, a career, children, and sick parents? Think carefully about all of this. I have seen a few single moms carry the burden of care for their parents with the promise of a house or inheritance and it ends in tears and frustration.
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JoAnn29 avatar
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JoAnn29 Aug 2020
The thing with giving money is the Medicaid 5 yr look back. (Some states are less) If either of them need Medicaid in the next five years, OP may have to pay that back or there will be a penalty. I would not allow them to be part owner.
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Where you start is to say no. And then start looking for facilities. What might have been discussed in the past is no longer relevant. You can find an AL where they both live together and use the money from selling house to pay for their care. It would be best if the facility accepts Medicaid so they can remain in place once money is gone. That is easier than trying to move into a place once money is gone as most Medicaid facilities have waiting lists.

if she is about to go on dialysis, she will need to go 3 times a week. Additional care associated with that may either put her at a higher level of care or disqualify her from AL all together.

Covid is an issue but people are still being admitted although the activities and options in facilities have changed. If your father only wants to put dishes in dishwasher, someone else (you) would have to buy the food and cook the food to put on the plates to eat it. Don’t do this. Your time is better spent on your children.
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How will your mother get to her 3x/week dialysis?

PLEASE read the wonderful advice of the previous posters. Do not let your parents move in with you, do not use their house sale $ for a bigger house for all of you. You will regret it!

The proceeds from the sale of their house should be used for them to live in a facility. Because of your mother's impending need for 3x/week dialysis, she would be better-suited for a facility than in an apartment.
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Your parents took care of you for 18-20 yrs now it's your turn to care for them.

Moving in to a Senior Place should be the last resort!

Maybe they could downsize and move into a Senior Apartment.

You may think about having a Live In stay with your parents.

Im sure if you kept looking, you would find another house with an extra bedroom for your parents.

Maybe You could have a room built on the house that you have now for your parents.

Praters you do the right thing by them.
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OneWhiteFeather Aug 2020
Love your answer! 💓

Seems a lot of the people who ask questions either don't have a heart for the one's who dropped everything for them and sacrificed most of their lives for their children.

Right away the want to get rid of them and place them in a home. ( Some just because they repeat themselves.) So sad how most think now of days.
Place them in a home where they can't have visitors, and more than likely die due to Covid-19 alone.
I'm sure they will be there to collect their money!!!!!
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There are good senior residences that have kept residents safe during coronavirus (like my mother's residence, where none of the residents got infected). The staff there is very caring, and as they told me yesterday when I was visiting, they give her a lot of love. I believe them. Senior residences are a good option for parents who do not want to be a burden on their children and who need help taking their medications and taking care of their day-to-day needs. Senior residences offer chances for socializing (with other residents and staff), and in normal times they also offer entertainment, films, day trips, help getting to doctor appointments, etc. It's possible that they would be lonelier in their own apartment than in a residence that had people who might become new friends. If your parents decide to move to a residence, try to find one close to you where you can visit often. Visits are limited during coronavirus - find out their visiting policy during the pandemic as well as in normal times. My 96-year old mother is in a continuous care facility where she started in an independent living apartment (which had a full kitchen), and then the social worker there advised and assisted when it was time to move her to assisted living (and in my mother's case, memory care). All facilities are on the same campus. I could never have done what they are doing for her. I, myself am a senior citizen, and she needs to be in a locked facility because she wandered (before she could no longer walk) and now needs someone watching over her 24/7, as she needs to be fed, bathed, dressed, lifted out of bed to a wheel chair, etc. The other alternative is for them to be in their own apartment or condo, or in your house, and have aides or nurses come in to help them while you are working. Talk to your parents' doctor to find out what their prognosis is. Would you be able to handle it if their needs increase over time, with your other responsibilities? Then talk it over with your parents, laying out the different options and the pros and cons of each. Be sure that all of their paperwork is in order with power of attorney (POA) for medical and financial decisions if they become incapable of making good decisions, medical directives (living will), a will, some banks have their own POA forms, etc.
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Start with the home you already have. Can your folks move into a spare room? Are your daughters OK with sharing a room so their grandparents can have one of "their" rooms? Is your home going to be easy for them to navigate - no stairs, wide enough doorways for wheelchairs, wide enough halls for wheelchair or walker...? If you find that you can accommodate their needs in your home, just move them into a bedroom that is decorated with their stuff. Since mom has issues with falling, consider getting the lowest bed possible and putting a thick mat on her side of the bed. You might want to banish bedside tables in their room to prevent fall injuries.

If you find that your house will not be ideal, talk to a real estate agent about a home that is "universal design" which will accommodate all disabilities and not look like a nursing home.
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Watch their money, it cannot be mingled with yours - such as pooling together to buy a bigger house. That could prevent them from using Medicaid/Medicare down the line.

The very first thing you need to do is see an Certified Elder Care Attorney, with your parents. The attorney will set a path that you all can follow, money wise.

I second, third, fourth & fifth everyone else’s advise - don’t move them in with you!
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I’m going to have to agree with everyone who says DO NOT let them live with you or merge your assets to buy a bigger house. It is hard enough to be a single mom, but if you move your aging parents with serious health issues into your home you will likely have to give up your job to take care of their needs. I’m not exaggerating. It gets very very time consuming. I cannot tell you how much time my hubby had to take off to care for his parents-take then to doctors, take care of things they could no longer manage and that was with them in IL, with some assists. They live in AL and MC now, but he still probably spends 1/2 his weekends taking care of their stuff-and many late night “emergencies”. Those will still happen with you but if it was in your home you would have no respite. No choice to not answer the phone. Your daughters would come to resent the amount of change this has brought to their lives and could damage your relationship with them in the long term. Think long and hard about your options. A place that offers continuing care at different life stages would be good.
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I would not move them in with you with teens in the house. Its hard enough raising kids this age without grandparents putting in their 2 cents. Kids just need 1 parent at this age bossing them around. If they have really had no constant contact with your parents them trying to tell them what to do will not go over big. There will be no harmony in your family.

Maybe a nice independent living which graduates into an AL and then LTC. My Aunt lives in one in Fla that they have a smaller home, then an AL and LTC. If needed, she can use some of the benefits of the AL but she pays for them. Grounds are kept up by the Community. My SILs Mom was in an IL where she went down to dinner, had transportation and activities.

Just tell Mom sorry but I don't think us living together is a good idea.
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To Dognamedboo
Your parents are fairly young. If they have health issues that require further care they may need Medicaid so do be careful joining your financial situation together . You can’t predict what their future health needs will be.

Only you know everyone’s personality and how they would do living with you and your daughters

Also they should have a living will
to allow you to take care of them
using their wishes about medical and end of life issues.

My dad was 91when a two week hospitalization resulted in total loss of his independence and dementia
Beford the pneumonia he was driving , shopping and living independently. He had so much energy he put us all to shame

That changed quickly

Have a good discussion with both your parents. Maybe Dad is done with house maintenance and feels he may be expected to do that,


Again you know the personalities of all involved.That’s a big factor .

Best
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Imho, I do not advocate that they live with you, nor should you comingle funds. Since you have a preteen and a teen, having their grandparents living with you may not be a good decision at all. In addition, your parents may require the knowledge of medical professionals.
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The answer is no do not live together this is not the answer. My Mom moved in 30 years ago, she was healthy self sufficient with most things but was needy, we never had vacations without her, always came along, now she has LBD I left my job to be her caregiver 24/7/364 she is unable to do anything! Can’t be left alone, so I have to either bring her along or stay home with her. This causes problems when I have a doctors appointment. I had to schedule them when my husband has a day off. Anything you do like go out to eat, get an invite to an event I can’t go. so think long and hard about your decision.
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Maybe they can sell their place and move "closer" to you in a development where it is maintained by an association or whomever.  I would not suggest moving them in with you as "there goes your life" and children's lives.  It sounds harsh but you will eventually be at their "every beck and call" for everything they want.  You would be the "live in slave" and so will your children.  Some people can handle having their parent(s) live with them, but it will definitely put a strain maybe on all of your relationships as a family. And unless it is an emergency I would not move your children now at this time in their school years.  Find something close to you where your parents can live with no maintenance to be handled by them.  Maybe an assisted living cottage where they can do stuff for themselves, etc.  Check with a realtor to find things in your area. Wishing you luck
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My aunt and uncle built a Mother-in-law suite onto their home but she was always hanging out in their space, looking for company. Drove them crazy! Ironically their son built one on his home for my aunt and she did the same thing! Complained endlessly about her DIL's housekeeping and cooking, was not allowed to use their kitchen (she didn’t have one) because she kept leaving the stove on. After 85 years of being the boss she was not ready to sit on the sidelines. Are you prepared for that?
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