My Aunt was batteried by her past caregiver.My Aunt's past caregiver was her neice.Who would ever think a family member would hurt another family member?The past caregiver that went bad was also,my cousin which I haven't seen this cousin in over 30 yrs until this happened to my Aunt.The cousin was arrested for battery towards my Aunt.There is a restraining order that the state file for the cousin to have no contact to the Aunt.As of now she is out on bond waiting for her court hearing.
It seems I walk into this line of fire.
Let me first respond to you all to say "Yes" the cousin did in fact beat out Aunt no doubt about it.Since we now got that out of the way let me cont-,
I feel I walked into a line of fire,
Ever since the cousin beat my Aunt up.No other family member is willing to step up to this plate to help my 88 yr old Aunt.Everyone is affraid to help my Aunt.Affraid if they attempt to help in any way they will be the next to go to jail.
My Aunt contacted me asking for me to help take care of her.Everyone of my other family members told me don't do it!...If you attempt to help her and if one little scratch arrises on the Aunt your the one that will go to jail just like the cousin did.Stay away is what everyone tells me as don't help my Aunt.Well,if I don't help her who will?No one will help her.So,I decided to walk into this line of fire.The cousin that beated my Aunt lived with my Aunt as her caregiver.I don't live with the my Aunt.I am now her caregiver but,I don't live with her.The Aunt lives alone in her home as she wants to do.As her new caregiver I just go to see her every other day.Make sure she has spending money,food,clean cloths and make sure she takes her meds ect.
Going back to the beginning,After the cousin went to jail for battery.My Aunt demanded she wants to change her Will.Want's the cousin removed from her Will.My Aunt asked me to take her to her attorney to have this done.So,I did.The attorney stated to me he feels she will need a POA.So,dumbie me I agreed.The attorney stated to me at that time,"Do you realize what your getting your self into?"At that time I didn't know what he ment by that until today 3 months later.Taking on this caregiver job and this Durable POA job is becoming too big of a task for me to do anymore.My Aunt shows many signs of dementia or alzheimer's who knows the difference between the two I don't.She's not on any meds for dementia or alzheimer's.But,her memory is very bad.I made a agreement with my aunt to keep her out of a nurcing home.She wants to live at home until she dies is what she wants.I can only do what I can do.Her memory is so bad that she forgets my name at times calls me a different name.I could see her today and come tomarrow she won't remember I was their yestersay.The only thing she does do right is pay her bills.She still pays her bills ontime I give her that.But,other then that she needs help bad.She's 88 yrs old living in her home alone.My cousin that beat her lived with her.They was together 24/7.The cousin was also,a big drinker.Alcohol and a 88 yr old lady with dementia don't go together.There's no excuss for my cousin for beating my Aunt up.You just don't do that.But,I'm affraid.If I move in with my Aunt to be her live in caregiver as 24/7?Who knows what will happen to me.I mean,if one little scratch is found I'm the feller going to jail.And old people bruse very easily as we all know.Walking on hot coils is what I'm doing.Gun shy so to speak,affraid.
I can't move her into my home because,I have dogs.She's my Aunt not my Mother.I'm not getting rid of my dogs for her.Sounds harsh but,true.My dog is 13 yrs old older then my Aunt.And my dogs care for me more then my Aunt does for me.Understanding my Aunt was batteried by my cousin.My was always a hateful person and never had children of her own.For her to choose not to have children yrs ago is why she is in this mess today with knowone to help take care of her.She was always a rich lady with her nose up in the air thru out the yrs.When she became older and unable to do things like she should.In the past other family members came into her life to help her.They got close to her to obtain money.And drained her dry.Everyone knows they cleaned her out of money is why they don't want to help her now.The Aunt wants to leave me her house when she dies.That would be nice because,I don't own my home I rent.So,I'm helping my Aunt for two reasons,(1)Knowone else will and (2)If I help her I get her home.Sounds greedy?Somewhat in a way maybe.But,I'm not doing this all for nothing in return.I am her caregiver.I don't get paid to be her caregiver.I'm her DPOA.I don't get paid for that either.By right's I should be paid for my services as her caregiver.I guess the house will be my payment.It's to the point to where it's not worth the stress anymore taking care of her.From money loss out of my pocket to many other problems arrising for me.From the Aunt's memory loss and forgetting
Continue Below,
Like you, I am POA, MPOA and executrix, and I am not counting on any inheritance, but rather saving and planning for my husband's and my retirement. I don't think that there is any amount of inheritance that would be worth ruining my health and my relationship with my mother.
Also, my mom stopped "living" a long time ago......and I haven't! I've put in almost two years of listening to complaints about not wanting to do this or that. For goodness sake, she even complains about getting a shower two times a week.....far be it for me to keep mom clean......guess it takes away from sleep and TV time! That and she hasn't spoken to one of my siblings in two years......I'm tired of being in the center of it all. Maybe she'll make a friend at AL like herself and they can "complain" together! ;)
Many years in mom's future? Don't tell her that.......she could care less! Mom says she "doesn't care" if she falls apart......she's 75 years old you know! And as I've said in previous posts this isn't new behavior, she acted this before she fell and hit her head. She refused to get out of the car at the senior center in the fall.....had she tried it she would have loved it......I'm tired of dealing with it.....and why should I have to?
I wasn't always POA and Executor of mom's will. It used to be one of my siblings. I took over when my siblings (all of them) got sticky fingers with mom's money. I spent weeks and months getting all of mom's finances in order. Uh oh, there I go again, patting myself on the back.....
Mom's money is for her care and now it's time it was used for her care and socialization.....yeah....and maybe I can get my mom/daughter relationship back rather than feel resentful every time I have to give mom her medications (three times a day) or make her a meal she could clearly do herself if she'd get up off her lazy butt, walk into the kitchen and do it (I'm talking a simple sandwich for lunch, nothing fancy).
Yes, I'm executor of mom's will.....there may or may not be something gifted at the end. But I don't care one way or the other. Besides, one shouldn't count on what might be left over at the end. My husband and I have saved and invested (and still are) for our own retirement.
And I will not make my kids take care of me, never.ever.ever. Just told them to make sure they visit from time to time..... :)
Lastly, (I've posted this before) one of my teenagers needs major surgery with weeks of recovery in 2014. This is my priority! I will be needed on both a physical and mental level. So, yeah, I can admit it AL is best for mom and best for me!
Maybe your mom is or was a real peach, a positive person, someone who wanted to do things, go places, be a part of life......you are/were fortunate. My mom is not one of those people......so being at AL is better than the downward spiral I witness every day in my home. Something I can no longer be a part of. Having mom live with me has changed me and not for the better. When I get a break from caretaking (like right now) I come alive again and I can think clearly!
My goal is to get mom into AL so I can concentrate on me and my family, most especially, my son.......sigh......
I think if someone (like me) can admit they no longer want to be caretaker (24/7), is mentally drained, have three other siblings with only occasional help from one of them, and have a child facing surgery I think it is special and honorable to do what I am doing rather than keep on keeping on......and becoming mean and even more resentful towards my mom.....no way!
So, unless one has read one's complete profile......don't judge.....please and thank you.......just sayin'......
I would suggest you contact social services, meet with them and formulate a plan. It seems to me that your aunt needs to go to at least an assisted living facility and the house sold to pay for it. I don't know what's available where you are but it may be possible to have your aunt made a ward of the state so the government oversees her care and finances.
It has been my experience that social services are overloaded and you may have to keep after them and make a nuisance of yourself before they pay attention but once your aunt is in care and the state has control you are free to get on with your life. Good luck!
I did not have children so they could "take care" of me when I am incapable of doing it myself!! If your Aunt had children they would have put her in a NH by now, as you should do, because by your description she is mean and nasty! They call it blood money for a reason...
I wish I could say that about my Mother.
1. Look up a guy who goes by Captain Hardass on here. He's been there done that.
2. Don't expect gratitude from your aunt, ever. She does not have it to give. It may make you less angry when you do not get it.
3. Document every mark, bruise, fall, and complaint in writing and/or cell phone pix and make sure you are on the good side of visiting nurses and anyone from Adult Protective who may be looking in after her abuse situation. And double document any expense of hers or yours as DPOA. Keep well organized files and a handy extra copy of the most important papers with you. Keep bank accounts separate.
4. Sounds like you either need but don't quite have a healthcare DPOA and are running into HIPAA-based fear of sharing information with you, that sometimes occurs even if you DO have it all lined up.
Advice: Give up the POA and let your aunt go to a NH.
Advice: There's a very good chance your aunt will either die or go to a NH within 5 years.
Advice: Don't expect to inherit something that will almost certainly go to pay for a NH or home care.
Advice: Don't be surprised when your Aunt's care gets to be so much you can no longer do it, and HAVE to put her in a NH.
Advice: Don't tell us what's wrong with women. Stay on our good side if you want our help!
Opinion: I wish you well, and hope you are happy with whatever choice you make.
For all the people that feel that they don't want to have children?That's a bad idea for this reason.Who's gonna take care of you when your old?
I see friends of mine that have big money with no kids.They have their big money because,they have no kids to support.Enjoy it while your young?I don't feel sorry for you when you get old that's for sure.
I'm going to bed people.
Good nite!
If I do this there is knowone else willing to step up to this plate of my Aunt.And I'm 100% sure you wouldn't either.Elderly people bruse very easy we all know that.This Lady "My Aunt" has been abused,beat up by her past caregiver.This lady is now being watched by the adult social services and detectives because,of the batteries that she recieved by the cousin.Knowone in their right mind would attempt to get involved knowing all of this.The Aunt has knowone welling to help her.Everyone is affraid to go to jail.If one little mark on the Aunt is not accounted for your going to jail.And all the Aunt has to do is fall one day and not tell you.
I called my Aunt on the phone today to see how things are going.She told me,she fell on the floor this morning.She told me she was fine.I decided to take a ride and go see her.She explained to me what happened as how she fell.She seemed to be fine.She did say her hip hurt a little but,she was ok.Five minutes later visiting nurce comes in the house while I was their.Well,I need this nurce to know she fell.I need the fall noted.So,I told the nurce she fill this morning.My Aunt starts yelling at me saying why did you tell her that?I said your nurce needs to know this.
This Aunt I have is very hateful to me.She has no idea everything must be noted.
Since,I told the nurce she fell.The next time the Aunt falls she won't tell me.Then,if any bruses are found the finger will be pointed at me.
You all maybe thinking ahh so sad for the elderly lady.As long as you don't abuse her you have not a worry.Ya,right! explain that to the jail while your behind bars saying I didn't do it.Jail man will just say tell it to the judge.I don't know about you people but,jail isn't for me.I'm not going to jail over a hateful person.
Will to answer your question I will try my best to answer what answer your seeking.Asking a question with a question lol.
Sorry I'm tired,it's 2:00 am.And I've been turning my wheels about this too long tonight.So long it's now morning that I didn't realize.
Anyway,
You haven't stated anything I haven't heard before.I understand you want to get your word in here.Good for you!Well done!
There's many other things I haven't stated about my Aunt and the other problems.Not enough room or time for me to do so.
I never asked to get involved with my Aunt.After I learned that my Aunt was abused by my Cousin that I haven't seen in over 30 yrs.I got worried about my Aunt and made a visit is all I did to see how she was doing.The cousin's plan was to have my Aunt in a nurcing home.I learned that my Aunt made many past 911 calls.So,many that the cops got tired of the calls.Those 911 calls was made by my Aunt while my cousin was her caregiver.The cousin removed her house phone from the wall.I had no contact.I learned that the cousin had my Aunt's house for sale thru remax.She was also,selling her items on craigslist using her cell number.Two bank accounts of my Aunt's was closed.The cousin was out to drain her dry and put her in a nurcing home.I stopped it all!
If it wasn't for what all I did the Aunt would be in a nurcing home drained.
I don't mean the differing.I'm just venting.I'm going thru some ruff times right now.
I understand what your all saying.My thinking was to prevent her from going to a nurcing home as my Aunt wishes to stay in her home.I made a promise to my Aunt for her to live at home till she dies.As of now my Aunt is compatent to do what she desires to do."She's not incompatent".And her doctor stated to me she's compatent.Durable POA doesn't take effect until she is proven or told she is incompatent by a doctor.Or until she starts taking meds for dementia.
I'm looking at this now in a different way.I don't think I can prevent her from going into a nurcing home.As for me you must understand I must try to stay on my aunt's good side.With her dementia causes bad days for her and me.As example,before her doctor came in to see her during her doctor visit the other day.She told me she wants to keep driving.She don't want the doctor to make her stop driving her car.Well,to keep on her good side I told my Aunt no worries.The doctor told her no more nite driving.The doctor asked me in front of my Aunt hows her driving?I can't explain her driver in front of her to the doctor.That would make me the one that stops her from driving.If the doctor took me in the hall way I would of told him the truth.Seems the doctor doesn't want to talk about my Aunt without her there.Becomes a problem.The doctor knows her age and health.He knows she shouldn't drive.But,waiting for me to say the word making me out to be the bad guy.
I'm only venting keep that in mind?
I hear you all saying oh your not gonna get a thing.The nurcing home will get it all you all say.Well,maybe so.
But,if I wanted to lock in all in for me at the end?All I need to do is place everything in a Medicaid Trust.Tell the doctor she's incompatent.And wait 5 yrs.Problem solved.
But,I'm not as greedy as you all may think I am.That's the problem with this forum no MEN to talk to.You ladies get up set over a little vent.I'm not here to hear your oppinions.I asked for advice not oppinions.That's the thing about ladies they all want to get a word in with their oppinions over giving advice.
You don't understand that I hold a full time 50 hr a week job as well as caregiving for my Aunt.I also,have a wife and kids to support other then this Aunt.My Aunt doesn't give me the credit i deserve for what all I do for her.She's a very hateful person to me and others.Why am I helping her?There's no one else that will help her other then I.And I know if I don't help her.She's alone with not a sole.Truth is I feel sorry for her.But,in away I don't because,she made the choice in her life not to have kids.And this is what happens if you choose not to have kids in the long run.I treat my kids right.I pray my kids will be there for me when it's my turn.But,I know they will be because,I'm not hatefull.
I'm about ready to walk away from this Aunt stuff.I'm done and tired of it all.I've only been doing this for 3 months and seems like 3 yrs.Everytime I see my Aunt becomes a rewind.Everyday is a rewind.Her memory is either very bad or she's putting on a show just for help.I've seen so many elderly people use WILLS to obtain help.They promise you everything if you will help them.But,truth be told they would rather burn it all then give it to you for the help you do for them.Dementia is just a word for a excuss sometimes I feel.It's strange if it is dementia she has?She has no problems paying her bills on her own.But,yet forgets what day it is or your name.
And in defense of people here, I read this board pretty obsessively lately and I've seen many accounts of people providing caregiving with no hope of any real inheritance. It does happen.
Do you have a specific question you'd like people to address?
I understand your oppinion.Your welcome to it.
The basic fact is,that's all people think about is Wills and Trusts.I've been coming to this forum for a good 3 months now reading many other post made by other people.What I found is knowone is willing to take care of their love one without a outcome in return.The fact is,if a elderly person has no money.Nurcing home they go.With money involved some how a caregiver becomes involved.Strange what money does to people.I had a Uncle that passed away yrs ago.The same day he died.The family was ram sacking his home while he was on his death slab.Locked doors don't matter to the greedy.They will find away to get in.I've seen so many families get into fights over Wills.I'm giving all my stuff away to whom I want before I die.Wills are to much pain for families.
Let me set something straight here,
This isn't my Mother or Father!...I lost both my parents yrs ago.Both of my parents are rolling in their graves as we speak for me taking care of this Aunt.This Aunt is very hateful.People throw the blame on dementia.Ya right!...Dementia or not she is a hateful person.And always was!
I see so many people keeping their parents out of a nurcing home because,of money.People hide money in safty deposit boxes,transfer funds or CDs or gift to hide money so the nurcing homes don't get it.I see POAs with Joint accounts to their loveones and that alone is grounds of revoke of a POA.The fact is,
If you have a elderly love one with a lot of money.Your sure not gonna put him/her in a nurcing home before transferring funds.You may not want to hear the facts about things that happening in this world.That's your choice.As well as nurcing homes,Medicaid goes back 5 yrs.
I know how things are done and how people are getting away doing so.I'm not gonna explain to you how I get my grass so green.And I'm sure you wont either.
Truth is what I speak.
Sometime people only read what that want to read.In turn react without rereading.
I'm Durable POA and the executor of her living will & last will in testament.And I'm her caregiver.As long as I keep her out of a nurcing home I get it all.
Many,many people are in my shoes doing this same thing.As I stated that you misread above,I am giving up.I'm about done.It's not worth the pain to me.May sound harsh for you to hear but,it's the truth.
Absolutely none.
Mind you, I might put up with a lot of bad treatment for the sake of someone I loved, especially if that person had dementia. And I might accept payment for caring for someone. But I can't imagine taking on the role of primary caregiver to a disagreeable person simply in hopes of inheriting something.
Besides the house, how big of an estate does Auntie have? If the $100,000 you mention is all she has, that would not last long if she has to go to a care center. Then she will need Medicaid, and there will be nothing left for you to inherit.
It sounds like your aunt was a mean and disagreeable person all her life. But even if she wasn't, she now has dementia, and there are certain behaviors that are part of her disease. For example, hiding things and forgetting where they are hidden and then accusing others of stealing them is very common with dementia. I suspect that this is part of what the lawyer meant, saying you don't know what you are getting in to.
Another thing about dementia is that it gets progressively worse. Very few people with mid-stage or later-stage dementia can live alone with just someone checking in with them every couple of days. She is either going to have to have in-home services and/or she is eventually going to need to be in a care center.
It is not clear to me what you are asking, or whether you just want to vent. If you are asking whether the grief you are getting is worth it in exchange for a house, my vote is No. And also I think it highly unlikely you will ever wind up with an inheritance from her.
many other things.
I started being her caregiver and DPOA about 2 months ago with not knowing a thing about her funds or her health ect.The cousin stoled all of her paper work as her house deed,life insurance and so on.So,I'm starting by scratch so to speak.
This is one big mess I will say.After the cousin went to jail for battery I came in and took over this job taking care of the Aunt.I'm the feller that had to deal with the adult social services,detectives and more because,of my cousin's actions.And still not over yet with this stuff going on.On top of the battery case going on.I am the Aunt's caregiver now.Since I took over not one sign of abuse or a 911 call.I'm proud to say I'm doing my best with this.Who else in their right mind would take on this task?Everyone's affraid to be accused of a little scratch or bruse that may arrise.I sure am!...
Anyway,
Yesterday I took my Aunt to her doctor's appointment for my first time as her caregiver.I turned in my POA paperwork to the doctor's office while I was their.
Since I didn't know what all meds my Aunt was taking.I decided to take all her meds to the doctor to make sure these meds are all what she needs to be taking.
For what all I do for my Aunt.She is very hateful towards me.She just loves my Wife but,hateful to me and I'm her blood relative.I learned thru the yrs she was always a female person over a male person.I think she just dislikes males for some reason beyond me.
She got upset when I told her we need to take all of her pills into her doctor's appointment.I held my guns and took the pills into her doctor.We found that there was 2 pills she didn't have.So,it was a good reason to take all her pills to her doctor.
I asked my Aunt many times do you have a visiting nurce that comes to see you?She told me yes once a month.Humm,I said.I was wondering if she was lieing to me.I was told by other people that if she has a visiting nurce her doctor would be able to answer that.So,I asked the nurces at the doctor's office if they can look it up on their PC if she has a visiting nurce?They did little attempt and then told me you need to ask her doctor?So,I did.I said,hey doc?Does my Aunt have a visiting nurce?He tells me,Well,she did a while back I don't know if she quit or not.He didn't give me a name of her visiting nurce or anything.He then,asked my Aunt if she has a nurce?She said yes once a week.The doctor told her the next time your visiting nurce comes to have the nurce call the doctor?I told the doctor,I haven't seen hied or hair of a nurce coming to see my Aunt since I became her caregiver.
The next following day I went to visit my Aunt.Lord behold the nurce comes knocking on her door.It's strange that my Aunt had cuts on her leg that she was picking at for over 2 months that I know.I always wondered why those cuts wasn't bandaged if she had a visiting nurce all this time.I think something is wrong here with this visiting nurce?Strange she shows up the day after the doctor's appointment.
Anyway,
My Aunt got upset with me because,I had to add the new pills to her daily pill boxes.She acts like I'm a piece of crap.Treats me like that as well.The dirty/mean looks she gives me.When I'm only trying to help.I spent over four hours of my time taking her to her doctor's appointment, to CVS for her new meds,taking her out for lunch,spending my own money and gas.Then,she has the nerve to treat me like a piece of crap.I will not ever lay a hand on a lady or a elderly person.I was never raised that way.After the way my Aunt treated me today.I got up and said I'm done!..I can't do this no more!...I'm tired of not getting credit for what I do for you.She get's up and says oh I'm sorry please don't go.Stops me from going to the door.All I needed was some fresh air and to get away from her.I'm ready to give up as her caregiver.I've had enough insults,dirty looks,accusing of moving things around her house because,she moves things and then misplaces them.I am not defending my Cousin for beating my Aunt.I hate my cousin for doing so.But,truth be told,I see why she beat her up.The Aunt is a very mean person and very hateful to anyone willing to help her.My wife tells me stick with it.Your getting her house when she dies stick with it.Come-on,get real,this isn't worth a house!..Tell me people?How much dirty treatment from your loveone would you take to get $100.000 and a house?Because,the money sounds good doesn't it?Humm,Isn't worth the pain for me.