Mom is emotionally abusive to me but my dad's an angel. He got a heart attack recently from her stressing him out. I want to see him often to take him out but mom is mean to me. Saying things like shut up, I'm a gangster and don't mess with me, etc I believe she is a narcissist but I love her. I'm stuck and don’t know what to do. Keep seeing them often or limit? I feel like dads' days are numbered so I want to spend time. She’s controlling so it's hard to take him alone. She gets mad when I get involved with dad like get him food etc. (she doesn’t even like food besides her cooking)
I wouldn't stop visiting, I would stop doing things that provoke mom until dad is back on his feet and past the effects of the heart attack.
When my FIL got sick, we saw the need to get him away from her as she was so abusive. He was excited to go, but my SIL stopped it, saying it wasn’t fair. We are positive it shortened his life, dealing with the stress of her.
If I could turn back time, I’d have insisted we take him in. If I were you, I’d do that. I am NOT scared of a temper tantrum, so she can say whatever she well pleases. Right now, your dad should be your priority and your mom can suck it.
When she starts up with you give it right back to her. You're an adult. You don't have to tolerate abusive behavior from her like you are a child who has no choice. You do have a choice.
As for seeing your father, tell him you want to see him more outside of the home and away from your mother.
You say your mother is very controlling of your father. He chooses to allow her to control him and there's nothing to be done about that.
He's a grown man who has a very supportive daughter (you). If he wanted to get away from her or see you on his own he would.
And that's the thing. If Their Person does not challenge them, then they will regress to increasingly Confucian-type behavior that frankly is abusive to the party they single out for caregiving.
But it's their decision.
My sister is going to attempt to introduce a Korean-speaking lady to their household as an executive housekeeper/chef since she, my sister, can't do the shopping and cooking every single day--so that my parents get used to having someone else around.
Your Dads decline could be his heart. Not getting enough oxygen thru his body and/or the stress of caring for her. Medicaid allows for splitting of any assets. Moms split would be spent down then applying for Medicaid. Dad would be the Community Spouse receiving some or all of their monthly income to support himself.
You could also check with your area Agency on Aging and see if they ( one of them or both of them) would qualify for any services that might help. There is a Social Worker that you could talk to they might have suggestions.
Is dad doing any Cardio Rehab? If so that would get him away for several hours a week, that could help him. And he could discuss the situation with his doctor. (might be difficult as men generally do not want to admit being bullied)