Dad is 88, in a wheelchair & needs 24/7 care. He recently had a stroke & suffers from dementia. He is a happy & sweet man. We have to dress him, change diapers, bathe him. We take him to all medical appts & coordinate all healthcare care including medication. He receives 3+ delicious home cooked meals a day. We do his laundry & change his bed linens. It takes both of us to get dad in & out of the car. We are also in charge of selling his assets. I have POA. We don't want to overcharge but want to be fairly compensated. Dad can afford the $3000 a month
To me, the notion that Dad's assets should be preserved until he dies and then passed on as an inheritence is absurd. His money is for his care, as long as he needs it. He can afford to pay for it, so why shouldn't he? Better to keep it in the family, assuming he is truly getting his money's worth of great care.
Sounds like Dad is very lucky to have you, and to be getting such personalized care.
This surprises me because it is not how things are in my family, but it appears that there are many adults who think it is perfectly OK for one family member to sacrifice privacy, sanity, earning opportunities, building a pension, having a normal social life, etc. etc. to take care of a parent, while they do as close to nothing as they can. And they expect this care to be done very frugally, begrudging money spend on respite care and in home help. They seem to think one sibling should make huge sacrifices so that they all can have equal inheritances.
In spite of how common this attitude apparently is, it is Wrong, Wrong, Wrong.
If Dad has money to afford to pay his way, that is what the money should be used for. He could pay $4200 a month, or he could pay $3000 and get more personalized care. Gee, that is a no-brainer in my book. And some of that "savings" should go to respite care. No one can be an effective caregiver 24/7/365.
Since you have siblings, spend a little of the money on a lawyer who can help you set this up in a way that will make it easiest to defend your actions, should that ever be necessary.
May your dad remain happy and sweet, and may you have the strength to deal with it if that changes.
I read so many posts from unhappy caregivers who do all the work while siblings do nothing. Then they all get an inheritance.
I would definately see an elder lawyer to make sure this is all legal and get it in writing. If Dad agrees with this, then what is the problem? As for a nursing home, most people go through most of their money quickly. Then Medicaid takes over. It would be cheaper for you to take care of Dad than a nursing home. I have one across the street from my home and it is around 90K a year. Mom won't be going there!
Now by having a PSC there are tax implications as you are being paid and will need to get a 1099. @ 3K a mo. 36K in income a year. So when you go to see the attorney you need your & your DH tax items as well as mom financial & old legal.
Your attorney may suggest that the amount be lower and more in line with what a home health care worker would get based on community standards.
One thing you can do is contact 3 home health agencies and have them come to your house to do an evaluation on dad and what they would charge. This you keep for both the attorney to use & more importantly provides "a value" that you can use for charging for his care if you are challenged in court by your sister or by Medicaid later on if you end up needing to place him in a facility and spent all $$$.
Whatever the case, you need to keep track of your time and expenses& mileage but you should be doing that already.
Having a personal services contract is an invaluable tool but really needs to be done to whatever meets the standards for your & dad's state law. If you can't find an certified elder care attorney in your city then contact a good probate attorney.
If you have a specialized skill set or education then you can base the contract to reflect that. Like if you are an RN or have a social work degree you can charge more and it is OK. If you just have a h.s. diploma then you can't - that's why getting what a home health care agency would charge is good. Good Luck.
If it is that every month they are over the states Medicaid income limit BUT not enough to pay in full for the NH and qualifies for NH in every other way, then they can see an elder care attorney to do a "Miller Trust" or a "Special Needs Trust". Say mom gets 1K from SS & 1,500K from retirement every mo. Income is $2,500. Basically $ 500 over state's ceiling for monthly income for Medicaid and her assets are under the state's maximum of 2K. No matter what is always is $500 over.
So this excess $ 500 is what funds the trust and therefore mom’s income is now 2K and within the states income ceiling for Medicaid. The beneficiary of the trust is state's Medicaid program and upon death reverts to the state. "Miller" really has to be done by an attorney who does elder law as it needs to be flexible/adaptable and meet the criteria of each state's law on probate (death laws) & Medicaid rules.
Just something to keep in mind if the day should come and she runs out of $ in assets and doesn't have enough come income to totally cover her care costs.
It sounds harsh to request payment; however I would have requested payment from my family as well to care for my mother. My mother's SS went to pay for her home we had a hard time selling, but I should have demanded from my 6 sibling’s monthly fee to care for her. I gave up everything and when I lost her, I lost everything. I have a wrongful death lawsuit in the process and I "should" receive any funds from that but am sure the family will want monies as well. I have protected myself by keeping ALL receipts I had paid in hopes to regain some of my financial monies back in hopes to start over.
So, YES charge family or your father a reasonable amount, get it set up with an Elder Care Attorney who knows your state laws. Save every receipt you spend on your father from part of the food bill to his incontinence supplies. Your miles to and from the doctor, DME supplies, keep detailed records to protect yourself. So sad in reality that this has to be done, but learn from me. Love your father; you are a blessed angel doing what you seem to want to do, just protect yourself. Take care of yourself as you care for your father. Do not lose yourself in his care, stay true to yourself and PLEASE take breaks and walk away from the situation once in awhile. Contact your local Area on Aging and see if they have a Solutions book that list all of the local resources you may be able to tap into. Bless you and remember to Deep Breathe daily..!!
Blessings,
Bridget
My dad is happier & healthier since he has been living with us for the past month, than he was the past year. In my area, assisted living is over $4000 a month and long term care is $10,000 a month. Thank you all for your help!
So, I think it's just fine to ask for payment. You're worth it. Why should we be free just because we're family? In the American culture, payment for everything from everyone is expected. Foreign countries are not quite so brutal this way.
Good luck :)
If Dad had no money, this would be an entirely different story. Since he can afford to pay his own way, why not give him the dignity of doing that?
Luvmydad, I'm glad that you and your sister are comfortable with your decision. It is good not to burn family bridges!
I wouldn't take my Mom into my home. She doesn't want to move out of state and is very difficult. So it will be AL or NH when she needs it. Everyone has a different story.
i took dad home with me after pickin him up over thousands of miles away .
it was hell but well worth it . he s been here almost 4 yrs now . is now on hospices , when he is gone i wont have anyone to pay my bills . i ll have to go find a job afterwards ,
people think we caregivers are after our parents money , phhhhhttttttt , that money doesnt mean anything . it only means to pay the bills and be worry free about owin bills , i have ruined my body , mentaly , muscles , and heart aches watching dad goes down hill and im doing it out of love . i didnt make any money to save it up for nest egg . no 401 k no health ins etc . just enuff to pay th ebills and keep him warm and cool and run electrity high cuz he needs oxgene so forth ,
people thinks shame on you for takin dad s money chargin dad for staying here . well let me tell you , he s here cuz we love him and we dont worry about him begin in nusring home and be mistreated . he s here 24 - 7 , i love my dad , he s the sweetest guy on earth . always thankin me for whatever i do for him . when he was in the nusring home . his blood pressure was sky high and he was lonley and always hollaring for me , very biter man he was . and that place cost him tooooo much money !
he s here to pay my bills like he would have if he lived at his own home . way cheaper to save him money .
hell with siblings and hell with people that doesnt see eye to eye . if they want no money then they must be well off .
i need money to pay my bills so dont make me look like a bad selfish daughter chargin pa . cuz im not ! if it was a stranger believe me i would have charge him a hellva more and so i could rebuild my egg savings .
luvmydad ure good to ur pa and he is happy with you and u do need income to feed him buy him food , diapers to shampoo . its not free and its not cheap !! xoxo
DOCUMENT everything. If your dad ever needs to be placed in a nursing facility - all states have a look back period (as much as five years) and you would have to give every single cent back!
I am not saying care giving should always be 'free' - there are legal ways of being compensated - but if you don't go about it the right way it will come back to bite you. SEE AN ELDER LAW ATTORNEY STAT!!!
I do think it is a terrible thing that the government will take everything an older person has and then will pay a facility to look after them - but will do nothing to help families care for their loved ones.
Many of us retire early or quit our jobs to become full time caregivers. No money, no benefits, no breaks.
I would be grateful for a week or two of paid respite a year - instead - we BEG other family members to help and they have every excuse whey they cannot. Uncle Sam says 'sorry' we have no programs to help in-home caregivers. Thank you, though, for saving Uncle Sam $50,000 a year that we would have had to pay for their care.
It isn't always about money. Most of us do this because we care and then find out that no one really cares about us - our health, our emotions, etc. It is sad. I do appreciate this forum.