Mom is 85, can't do a thing for herself, and refuses to leave her home. I have taken over her household to maintain her ability of living in her own home. I do not care for her 24/7, but visit weekly or at least every other week. I found an ANGEL private caretaker who basically works almost 7 days a week, 8 hours a day, doing everything for my mother. My mother is "healthy" but has severe pain in her musculo-skeletal system, severe scoliosis, torn rotators' cuffs, arthritis. She is a widow since 2012.
My mother is not a sweet, little old lady. She is stubborn, petulant, pouty, senile, and of late, very, very nasty. It's like she's lost her "filter" and thinks she can say whatever she wants. The person receiving the brunt of this is her caretaker, who is an angel from heaven, but who also happens to be sensitive in nature.
I try to keep the caretaker happy. I like her a lot and know I would never find another person to slave away for mom the way she does (strong work ethic). She has her own hard life and problems, and I'd love to pay her more, but I have to watch the funds. So I bring her little gifts and thank her profusely for all she does.
I want to scold my mother for her horrible behavior. Her excuse is she is in pain all the time, but I do not think that gives one a license to verbally abuse those around you. Where have her manners gone?
When my mother demanded something of her caretakerin in front of me, I stopped and looked her right in the eye and asked her, "What happened to 'please'?"
Do I try to have a conversation with my mother about this? With her senility, I think she will only forget whatever I say. Several months ago she was criticizing me for not being a good enough daughter, and I stopped her and reminded her of all I've taken over for her benefit plus running my own life/household! She apologized and said she doesn't know why she says the things she does to me.
Why do the elderly get this way? It is very upsetting. Any advice?
It does sound like you have an angel caregiver and I think it's wonderful that you show her how much you appreciate her. She sounds like a true professional in that she doesn't let your mom's nastiness get to her. And when your mom is being nasty to the caregiver you might advise the caregiver to react the same way you did: "Whatever happened to 'please'?" Said with a smile of course.
Not all elderly become this way but the elderly who have dementia do go through a personality change.
you can only support your angel carer, and let her know that you don't believe a word your mother sez, that she has always had a Miss Piggy personality Moi Moi, and mee mee mee all the way home. When I worked in the rest homes I was able to make a joke out of it, but there I was caring for 40-80 and moving on, being a one on one is a little harder, esp on the 8th hour.
YOu could pull your mother up by saying using nasty attitudes will mean no home help and the solution will be entering a rest home situation. So she can decide.. and see if that helps.
Yes, the filter does seem to go out the door with dementia. I do call my mom on it, however. You and/or the caretaker angel can FAIL TO RESPOND to the rude demand, like you didn't even hear it. In other words, rudeness gets no attention, no response. "Would you like to try asking again, but nicely?" ; ) It's the same behavior modification technique we use with children and dogs. As long as a behavior is not rewarded (unless it's self-rewarding), it will fade.
A couple of things, since I used to own an in-home care company:
There will come a day when she is sick, or her kid is sick, or she just needs a couple of days off. Be sure you have a backup plan. You may want to ask her if she has a family member who can fill in or a friend.
Also, from experience, the gifts are nice. But money would be the best gift. I know you said funds are tight, but if there were a way to just give her a "bonus" and tell her how much you appreciate her, that would be great. Tell her you will be glad to refer her later (after her services are no longer needed.)
Good luck.
Sharon
"I don't care." and "Get out of my house NOW!" fell on deaf ears. I would also say, "If you don't want to live anymore, go down to the road and let a garbage truck run over you. You are not going to waste one more minute of my time on my way to eternity complaining." I also tried (way before this!: What good things have you done today. Did we make the breakfast you wanted? Is Katie (our cat) sitting on your lap? Do you have a comfortable bed? Can you sit in the garden?) It was all for naught. Once I realized it was never going to change, I stopped putting up with it. Her depression can drag YOU down!
My sister heard of a drug called citalopram, which a long time friend of hers was taking. He has Alzheimer's but once was a VP of a big medical organization which I will not mention.
Though my mom is not a big drug taker, but an MD prescribed it for her and it has slowly mellowed her out...not zonked out...just not so nasty.
Perhaps citalopram will help your loved one from being so rude. If the rudeness is a part of dementia, then we are the ones who must take the action to help. Note, it took two MDs to get it finally prescribed. The geriatric MD was useless...what is with some of these geriatric MFs??? Anyway, the drug is to reduce anxiety and by doing so might reduce the problem you are having. It has helped in my mom's case.
Best wishes. Hang in there...take care of you, too!
I don't know the nature of the gifts you give her to show your appreciation, but I agree with others with others that, if they are purchased gifts, she would probably better appreciate the money as an occasional 'bonus', even if it's a small amount. On the other hand, if you do something like make a dinner for her and her family and stop by to give it to her as she's leaving for the day, I'm sure that thoughtfulness is greatly appreciated.
Make sure you have a very open line of communication with the caregiver and that she feels like she can call you (or someone else) as a lifeline if she ever feels she's about to 'crack' under the verbal abuse. Talk with her and come up with some strategies for times when your mom is particularly piling on the insults and rudeness.
Terie Novak - author "Bold Actions for Helping Older Parents". Try it - you may be surprised.
Caregiver's are angels and deserve to be treated with respect. They know that when you are working with the elderly with dementia you need to have thick skin.
Telling an elderly patient not to misbehave and not to be rude is like telling a child not to do this. A child will do the complete opposite. The best thing for a Care Giver to do is to let anything negative just roll off their back. The best thing for a Care Giver and family member to do is try to be this patient's good friend. Remember your "best friend" and how you always loved and respected them?
Hopefully within time this will help to alter the elderly patient's feelings and attitudes. I wish you and your Care Giver the best of luck in taking care of your mother. Please know that I am in the same boat with you in taking care of my mother. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.