I just placed my mom 2 weeks ago in a nursing home and I feel so down when I think or visit her there. I feel like I am responsible for her happiness. She barely recognizes me and looks so lost. She can still talk and walk, but her speech is all nonsense words. I honestly don't think she is aware of her surroundings or the people there. She is still continent but I found her in a big diaper. She is losing weight due to a picky eater, but I know they try to get her to eat. I noticed her blanket she had on the bed was soiled. The furniture in the common area looks like they are all soiled with spills and such. Do they sanitize the furniture? They put an easy chair in her room and it was stained. I guess I am just picky. They said they would wash her blanket. I keep thinking about my mom walking around and around and feeling lost. I am so upset I can't even enjoy my life. I feel like I am abandoning her I keep telling myself they are caring for her now and I should just let it go. It is a daily struggle for me. I know that moms life is pretty much over and I have a lot of life to live. i guess I got to give myself permission to live. I start feeling sick when I have to go visit her, due to seeing her so vulnerable. How do I come to peace with her being in the nursing home? I feel like it is my duty that she is being cared for properly and she is happy. This is tearing me up!
You have answered much of your own question in what you wrote above, like keep telling yourself they are taking care of her and let it go which is easier said than done, and give yourself permission to live.
If you are not able to come to peace with her being in a nursing home within the next week or two, I suggest seeing a therapist to help you work through your feelings.
From a practical point of view, you can bring her more familiar items when you visit, just to see if it helps her feel better. And you are not abandoning her if you are carefully assessing whether a dirty blanket gets cleaned or not and whether that means anything about how well the facility is taking care of her. How the people treat her is probably more important than how nice and clean the furnishings are, unless by "soiled" you mean really nasty, stinky, and seriously unsanitary. If you decide that the facility is not good for her, you work on finding a better one. You are still her daughter and you are still looking out for her.
Have you checked to see if there are complaints about this particular NH, with the state you are in?
Can you do her laundry? Can you bring in a chair from home?
I would sit down with the administrator and her nurse and voice your concerns. I hope that you are POA, so that they can talk to you.