Through the years, we have helped financially, physically with seldom re-payment. We do NOT worry about that. However, we DO worry at the lack of respect. My husband is 76, not well, we want to live in peace.Our daughters do not hide that they prefer their father over me..their rudeness is focused on me. Help!
I have had to practice forgiveness on an ongoing basis with certain family members as the abuse is ongoing. It helps.
You mention your ex is a recovering alcoholic. My dd's dad (now deceased) was an alcoholic and so is she, though in recovery for quite some years now. A long time ago she told me that when she was drinking, the sicker she got, the closer she got to her dad. It was at a time that she was very hurtful to me. Just something for you to think about.
Sounds like you have a workable plan for her birthday. Reducing expectations is always a good way to go when things are not going well in a relationship. ((((((hugs)))) to you.