I am a very bright, educated 73-year-old mom. My adult children are rude, scold, reprimand me. What do I do?

I sure missed the boat re your husband. I may have remembered another poster.

I have had to practice forgiveness on an ongoing basis with certain family members as the abuse is ongoing. It helps.

You mention your ex is a recovering alcoholic. My dd's dad (now deceased) was an alcoholic and so is she, though in recovery for quite some years now. A long time ago she told me that when she was drinking, the sicker she got, the closer she got to her dad. It was at a time that she was very hurtful to me. Just something for you to think about.

Sounds like you have a workable plan for her birthday. Reducing expectations is always a good way to go when things are not going well in a relationship. ((((((hugs)))) to you.

Thank you, friends, for support. I have indeed read the Google posts on ‘radical acceptance’, and I find it helpful for other problems in life. It is easier than ‘forgiveness’, which is really hard when something is ongoing, and it achieves most of the same aims for peace of mind. Thank you for that idea, even though I hope that things aren’t quite that bad with my daughter. I will remember it for that context, just in case.

My husband is my second, and we married aged over 50 when my daughters were both adults. Tony had no children, although he was a sperm donor in the 80s and there may be lots of them we don’t know about. He is angry with my daughter, but tries to avoid making things worse. He thinks I will suffer most if I try to cut off contact. My daughter has also belittled him, to his face and to our mutual acquaintances.. We don’t live up to her image expectations, as per her Facebook page. Has anyone else realised that Facebook can be a self-perpetuating flattery machine? You make yourself look good, your ‘friends’ tell you just how good you look, and you reciprocate. No wonder it made money. Tony (professional engineer) has always deliberately used ‘shop floor’ speech to avoid sounding like ‘management’, and I (lawyer and accountant) did much the same for management consultancy with community organisations, to avoid sounding like ‘government’. We now don’t fit the ‘Facebook’ image, in spite of intelligence, experience, money, social values etc.

My daughter’s own father is pretty good at image projection (lovely BBC speech accent), but I think is tolerated a little better in spite of being an ex-alcoholic and unreliable.

I will try to implement the advice for separating couples, which is to reduce contact to a polite minimum, suitable for business acquaintances. It is my daughter’s birthday next weekend, and I have a gift arranged a while ago. I will deliver it with an air-kiss, and leave it at that.

I appreciate the advice to keep the door open but to reduce contact. Sounds like the best way to go!

Margaret you are clearly in an impossible situation. Where is your husband in all of this. He must see and hear the way this daughter treats you. Why does he not do anything to support you?

Other side of the coin here. 

Some families are impossible, and some people are impossible. Along with all the excellent advice on this thread, I urge you to be open to the possibility that This Is It.

Some people are a trainwreck from cradle to grave. No learning curve. End of story.

I believe the current buzz-phrase for what I'm trying to say is "radical acceptance." Google it. ((((hugs))))

Margaret - I am sorry that there was no satisfactory resolution. Of course, cutting contact is painful. I did so with my dd at one point as her behaviour towards me was unacceptable and very hurtful. Sometimes it is the only option. Can I gather that the counsellor supports this action? I was concerned for my grandchildren too. I do understand. My dd made some changes and we do well now. It took a few years. One son married a woman who took issue with something I said, which was not directed at her personally. She cut us out of their lives. It was 3 years before we could socialize as a "normal" family though that is still pretty tentative. She is narcissistic and all must revolve around her. Thankfully they don't have children.

I agree that not backing up a teacher who is dealing with a child does the child no good. I also agree that you do not deserve this. Are there any personality disorders in your family? My mother has a disorder, as do several of her cousins, my sister and my daughter. My dd is the only one who has acknowledged her problems and gotten help for herself. With my mother and my sister, I have to keep low or no contact to protect myself. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can work on the relationship with your other daughter.

If I remember correctly you did post some time ago. I seem to remember a husband very involved with the "farm" and you needing more social interaction. I understand that too as my sig other grew up on a farm and work comes first. Thankfully he did not stay in farming. I am continually demonstrating and persuading him that there is life outside of work and a break from routine is healthy and beneficial. I wish you well. Please keep in touch.

I have just had the professional counsellor meeting with my disrespectful daughter. The counsellor had earlier had separate meetings with each of us. My daughter began by denying all problems and saying how much she loved me. As the meeting progressed, it became increasingly clear that she disapproves of me on many many counts, although she was ‘only speaking loudly and clearly’, not shouting. I will have to cut contact, because the disrespect is too painful. However cutting contact is also painful. I am concerned for her and also for my grandchildren. Their behaviour cannot be criticised, and my daughter becomes ‘the parent from h*ll’ if a teacher reprimands them. My daughter has an image of herself and her children that doesn’t tolerate different actions and reactions.

If you don’t have a problem like this, it is easy to think that you have done something right and the person with the problem has done something wrong. I may not be perfect now, and I may not have been the perfect parent, but I don’t deserve this. I can’t see her changing, aged 39, unless something dramatic happens (my husband says that if her marriage falls apart, I will have ‘a new best friend’).

I will see how things develop over a few months. Best wishes to others with problems.

From what I've read, many of the posts in this forum thread are addressing the potential challenges of the child rearing years affecting the now adult children's relationship with their parent. Involved in the care or not, of their aging parent(s), an adult child who wishes to emotionally batter their parent is disrespectful. However, the disrespect does not necessarily evolve as a result of how they were brought up as a child. The now adult child may have a mental challenge, which may have never been addressed as a child, but that doesn't mean it was necessarily the parents fault.

My elderly parents are now in their mid-nineties, and so far they are fortunate to still be living in their own home. I have two older sisters, and for the most part, two of us are involved with caring for our parents on a routine basis, however our third sister isn't really 'there for them' emotionally, and she is constantly scolding our Mother and mouths off to our Father.

The disrespectful daughter lives in their home in a space of her own - of around 700 square feet. So she is already there, but not really there - 'for them'. Unfortunately she is living there mostly out a of selfish endeavor, and does the least for our parents - although she sees it the other way around!

She was always the child who was the bully - I know more than anyone because I was her only victim during our childhood. Now that I'm too far away, our Mother and Father are the ones being bullied by her, and then when I'm there, or when our other sister and her husband are there, the bullying is extended toward us as well. Our entire family is at our wits end attempting to cope with her behavior. Personally I feel she should be booted out the door, but our Mother doesn't want to do that. Our Father has asked her to move out, yet she refuses. Unfortunately, even if she were to move out, she would still bully them when she visits, but at least it wouldn't be on a daily basis!

Although we have had our family meetings, and my other sister and I have told the other sister that her treatment is unacceptable, it hasn't done any good.

What I haven't read from any post in this thread is the fact that, a vulnerable adult receiving disrespectful treatment is not only unacceptable, but also an issue that can possibly be resolved if Adult Protection Services were involved.

Like many parents, my parents are not wanting to push it that far as they of course still want their daughter to 'love' them. However, it seems from the evidence of her treatment toward them that she is emotionally not capable of offering them true love. In the meantime they suffer from her emotional abuse, which again is unacceptable, and unlawful!

If your battered emotionally by your own child (or anyone else), you don't have to accept it! In that my parents are not willing to reach out for help, if the issue isn't resolved soon I'll have to make that decision for them to probably get help. We've given our sibling plenty of time to turn around, but the evidence is pointing the wrong direction.

If you warn your disrespectful child that their treatment is unacceptable, you may wish to begin documenting the time and dates, and conversation details of when you received ill treatment. It may sound extreme, but then you can present to them the documentation of their ill treatment, and inform them they have an opportunity to change their ways. Make it clear that you have had all you're going to take, and if they don't become respectful that you will seek professional help! If they are smart and have any respect, they should turn themselves around. Or, they may wish to no longer come around for fear of being reported. If that's the case then you will know if they were truly trying to be there for you, or for you to be their doormat. Harsh as it may sound you may have to 'let go' of a connection to an adult child, but your emotional state is worthy of respect from them, and should not be battered.

If you feel you would like to reach out for help, but just can't get yourself to pick up the phone to make that call, ask a close friend to report the incidents for you. A report can be filed anonymously, so it wouldn't ever be known who filed the report. They can at least break the ice to get help for you, which is better than you breaking emotionally. Stand up for your rights and let them know you are serious about doing so!

Best regards to all of you!

I think the parent/adult child dynamic needs to be visited. Obviously your husband made you be the "bad guy" and "enforcer". They feel loved and get affection from him. They fear you or are bitter for something from years ago. They may want you to act more like him now.

I would suggest a counselor to try and regain balance with your children and find a way to communicate with more respect...as friends, for example. Write down what your wishes are...You want them to a) spend time with you, b) share life events and career accomplishments with you, c) care for you when you are elderly and sick. From there, listen to them and try to meet them half way. What is their reason for screaming, scolding, reprimanding? Are you talking too loud to them, being too bossy, trying to micromanage their life?

This is just my two cents worth...from my perspective as a daughter with an 86 year old mother who is very hateful and disrespectful to her six children who jump through hoops for her. I had to go "no contact" due to my health declining. I will pray for you.

My three kids are all in their forties and I treat them as equal adults at this time. I remember that in our forties we would not have welcomed unsought advice from our parents. My mother would never have dared and dad had left many years prior and was more like an uncle than a dad when I finally reconnected with him. Hubby's parents were more likely to offer unsolicited advice but came through with financial help without being asked on many occasions. They were never in any way clingy although my mother was and wanted to know all the details of our lives.
I think it goes back to the way they were raised and how much freedom they were given when younger. I tried not to say no to anything until they had worked out for themselves what the results of their proposed actions would be.
You are starting from a very different stage and current behavior is not acceptable. You say you are well educated and intelligent but have you made some bad decisions recently so they have lost their respect for you? Is this a new behavior or have they been disrespectful from a young age. I think I would seek some professional advice at this point.I don't think a family meeting will solve anything at this point without a mediator.

margaret - I see at least 2 issues here which do intersect.

1) your relationships with your daughters
2) caring for yourself as you age

You have had some good feedback regarding your daughters. Is there any chance the 3 of you could attend a few family counselling sessions? One daughter is yelling at you and one is dissolving in tears and feeling criticised. Can I assume there is some history here? You have said that they are not responding when you mention that you are getting older. There is no guarantee that our children will be able or wish to play any supportive role as we age. There are people who don't have children who manage without. It sounds like, at this point that your dds (dear daughters) are either in denial about your aging issues, or simply do not want to be involved. There is a dilemma for you either way.

Regarding yourself and your life, being on an isolated farm at 70 may not be the best for you or anyone. It sounds like you need more social interaction and everyone, as they age, need to be near services, hospitals etc. Do you have any plans for moving to a less isolated situation? At 80, I am planning to move to a larger center with better services, drs, more cultural and social opportunities etc.

My relationships with my children 3 boys (one deceased) and a girl has not been without problems, but with some effort, we now do pretty well now. It would be a good thing to clarify the issues with your dds and work to resolve them.

Time for a family meeting? Let them air any grievances too. Perhaps you can agree on "rules of the road." At our house, I try not to talk to our daughters as though they are my children and instead only speak in a manner that I would with my friends. And they agree to the same rule. It sure helped us.
Blessings,
Jamie

Developing relationships with adult children can be a challenge. I have 5 so I have a bit of experience. My husband was worked 6-7 days a week, 10-12 hour days because we owned a restaurant. I was "in charge" most of the time, but he did support my decisions, even if he seldom had to execute them. As adults, I found I had to change my way of dealing with these adults who happen to also be my children. Respect goes two ways and you have to "allow" them to stand in their own two feet. This means they will fall some. We can be there but not just to save them... Instead be there to help them stand on their own. I also find that my example speak much louder than my words. Relationships require careful building when it comes to adult children. Good luck!

Thank you for that reply, which has got me thinking more. If you can reply to this, too, I would be grateful. Complications for me are that I now live on an isolated farm. Finding other appropriate interests is difficult - a new online degree seems a waste of effort. When I go to the city to see my daughters it will be very very unpleasant to walk out from an invitation, for me as well as for them. I can see that I have to face this, and perhaps it won’t happen more than once. I am glad for you that your daughters easily tell you about their careers, as that is what I would like too. I have only asked once, recently, about that, and it got nowhere. Daughter wouldn’t even discuss that I have turned 70, am getting old and not finding it easy! I don’t seem able to negotiate a changing ‘ageing’ relationship. My own mother died at 78, and was far more demanding than me for many years. More comments would be gratefully received. Margaret

Set boundaries - don't tolerate being yelled at. Walk away, hang up the phone, or whatever works for you. If you don't want to mend clothes say. "No."

I would not ask any of my children for "intellectual" involvement in their careers. I am intelligent and had a career too, and supported/mentored them. Ask her how she is doing, but observe her boundaries. My kids easily tell me about their careers - on their terms

It sounds like you need some interests outside of your children. They cannot provide for your happiness. I have been estranged from one or another child because I would not tolerate certain behaviours. We are all on pretty good terms now.

More ideas about how to cope, please? I have just turned 70. I am having real problems with one daughter who clearly loves me, but feels able to yell at me in a way that almost gives me PTSD. Why do I let this happen? With anyone else, I would not tolerate it. In a work context, she would not do this either. I am intelligent and had a career that supported both of them when I was a single parent. With daughters in tertiary education and early careers, parents like me provide a huge support – sounding board, correction facility, mentor, management consultant etc etc. Now I seem to be most valued for mending children’s clothes! When I asked daughter number two for more intellectual involvement in her interesting and successful career, she dissolved into tears and said it was a criticism of her and our ‘mending’ interaction! What do I do? This is really hard for me.

What a sad situation, Janie! What I am having trouble with is figuring out how you tolerated it so long. Being an outcast in your own home must have been (and still be) very painful.

Therapy helped you before. Are you considering it again?

Janie, your husband and son are very co-dependent. They are so co-dependent that they've completely excluded you out. Your husband's work saw this - and took action to separate them. Of the two, your husband fought it the hardest. That shows he is more dependent on his son than the other way around. Not good! With your son's very strong hold on his father, your husband, I would not be very surprise, one day, that you will find yourself outside in the cold.

I don't think your husband is going to try therapy to try to save his marriage. He is happy with his current very close relationship with his son. You need to start planning or protecting your future. But I would not 'rock the boat' but I will definitely start thinking ahead. I think you know this deep down, don't you? Maybe others have some better insights to your situation.

If children popped out of the uterus along with a training manual, all of us might have been better parents. Many people say girls are closer to the father and boys to the mother. My sons gravitated towards Michelle because she spoiled and overprotected them. She was keen on being more of a friend than a mother. They didn't listen to nor respect her. ... I, on the other hand, was the Marine Corps drill instructor bent on structure, order, and discipline. Homework had to be done by the time I got home. School uniforms and materials were laid out the night before. I swung by their school when least expected, and discussed their progress with the teachers. I also read bedtime stories, kissed, and tucked them in every night. But I never allowed them to treat their mother any way they wanted, and I never negotiated when it came to this. Thirty-four years later, even when we disagreeing on something, their words are carefully measured. Yet I still hear the "I love you Daddy," and I don't mind flying to Miami when they need a vacation from their own children.

It's time for your husband to step up to the plate. And it's time for you to stop tolerating their disrespect although part of you might feel you probably deserve it.

Nancy,

Girl, you're awesome.

I am also having trouble with my 39 year old son. He is our only child and my husband spoiled him so badly when he was growing up and he still does. My husband and I are both 65.Our son became ill with a brain tumor when he was 14. After 5 brain surgeries, we are very grateful to God he has not has a seizure in 11 years.
I use to go crazy with them when our son was younger. If we were invited to family and friends events, my husband spent most of his time playing with the kids,chasing the, etc.. I would ask him to STOP and sit with ex adults. But he preferred acting the kids age. When our son was a teenager, my husband hung out with them. My son ended up working with my husband for 7 years until the company finally separated them. Our son did ok with it but it was like my husband had to be dragged away from him kicking and screaming. He was finally told if they saw him around our son at work he would be fired. Only then did he back off.
Our son has always been disrespectful toward me and my husband said nothing, often laughing. I did get years of counseling which helped some.
Then, a few months ago, we found out my husband has cancer. He is in remission thanks to God and Jesus. I had just had a hip and knee replacement but I am his sole caregiver. Our son helped as much as he could. But then he got mad at me and said he was tired of me asking him to Things when he came over. I have a lot of pride so I quit asking him despite my pain. It was really hard but I did the best I could. My husband was so sick during chemo and I was so worried and exhausted.
It does no good to talk to my husband. He always sides with our son. If I sit down where they are talking, they look at each other and roll their eyes. Before too long, they are in another room talking, leaving me sitting alone.
Tonight, I called my son with some happy news about my husband's cancer. But when I said something about my husband's cancer, he blew up at me, lecturing me, saying I was very annoying to him and his Father and his Dad does NOT have Cancer. I told him I was not going to be talked to or treated this way and hung up.
He sent me a scathing email that made me cry but I deleted it and did not answer him. He will call tomorrow complaing to his Father but I don't intend on being in the same room with them.
He can be very sweet when he wants to be. He will hug and kiss me when he sees me but almost every conversation ends in an argument.
He said he is drawing the line and I am not to call anymore which is fine with me. I very rarely call them anyway. My DIL doesn't answer the phone. But I'm NOT calling again.
They all even got together snd decided WE would buy a house they would rent from us. I said absolutely not. We are not in a position to do that. So, they decided to give me the silent treatment for a week not even answering me if I asked them a question. One of them would say,"Did I just hear someone ask a question"? Then they laughed.
But, I stood my ground. They now have a very nice apartment I have seen one time.
It scares me to think they may be my caregivers someday.

Set some boundaries. I have had to do that with my daughter. Her personality has always been difficult and finally I had enough and told her that her behaviour towards me was unacceptable and I severely reduced contact for about 6 + months. She has been making attempts to re-establish contact with me and I am been going along with it very slowly. I do not expect any of my children to "help" me much. I will pick them up and for example, drive them the airport and I expect t the to do the same for me. I expect some emotional support but not from my daughter. I am not sure she is able. Hire the help you need around the house, and plan to go into assisted living or a seniors community when you cannot manage your house. I am not one that believes that children should be the automatic "go to's" for everything as a parent ages. Should they help some -yes I think they should, but if it is not in their temperament, find an alternative. I found I had to speak up to my daughter, tell her exactly how I felt and give her time to think about it and also for her to see that grandchildren or not, I was not going to tolerate rude behaviour. It seems to nbe working. Good luck and (((((((hugs))))))) Joan ( I am also very bright and educated and very soon will be 76)

Not to be too negative, but your husband sounds like he wanted to be a big kid with your children, not a responsible parent. Most kids grow up and come to understand as adults that all of those parental rules and responsibilities were there for our own good. You and your husband didn't provide a united disciplinary front, so your children perceive you to be the "bad cop".

I agree with the posters above that say your husband holds the key to how your children will be treating you in the future. If he continues with his "hands off" approach, things won't change and you're in for some difficult times. If he steps up and you two present that united front, then maybe your children will begin to act responsibly. I'd set expectations and if they don't meet them, then there will be consequences (no more money/less visits - whatever would work).

But I'd sure be on the lookout for other relatives who might be able to help you when you need it - cousins, nieces or nephews, or even friends who you trust.

I sympathize with you. There seems to be an assumption here that the parents raised their kids ot be disrespectful and rude. That is not always the case. I raised my daughters to be very respectful and we have always had a beautiful relationship. We have had our disagreements of course but we always worked them out. It is only since I turned 65 to now 70 that they felt free to scold and reprimand me. It hurts terribly and makes me feel humiliated and confused. I believe a subtle balance of power has taken place. I have a few mild mobility problems that I am handling and I no longer work at my profession. They are still very good to me, visit me and I visit them, we go out to dinner frequently and .they express their love for me but they do lash out at me for habits I have always had that are harmless like sneezing too loud or getting stressed out about being late, etc. I dont think they are aware of it and i think if I bring it up they will deny it and put it down to me getting older.

Have you told your daughters how you feel? Have you ask them how they would feel if you came into their homes and treated them the way they are treating you? I used this tactic on a son of ours who was disrespecting his father. I threatened to ban him from our home forever if it happened again. It broke my heart to do that but things did improve. Its called tough love at any age.
Your action of caring for an elderly parent speaks very loudly in the hearts of your children. Planning for an alternative kind of care though, gives them a choice to step forward and care for you when you need it. It gives you a choice also. You may not want them to care for you if there is going to be a lot of friction. Old age needs to be peaceful. I am around your age caring for a 99 year old mother at home.

Your daughters are trying to measure up to your standards. Don't argue with them. That gives them too much power over you. Instead thank them for caring enough to give you different ways of solving a problem or unique ways of looking at whatever. Tell them that it gives you something to ponder or consider. Daughters do see their fathers in a different light A he, less of a threat. Have a heart to heart talk with your husband about his loyalty to you and your need for his support. He needs to step up to the plate and insist that the girls treat you respect.. If this does not work, then some marriage therapy should be considered. He may need someone on the outside to encourage him to be a strong supportive husband.

rositalara, I sympathize with you. I too managed to raise 2 inconsiderate and disrespectful children who are now 31 and 32. Our big mistake was never making them work or wait for anything. Now they are spoiled demanding adults who think we are still responsible for providing for their every whim. They both have good jobs, live in their own apartments and have great social lives. But they think they are entitled to anything and everything we have. We have had several family meetings about this but nothing has improved. My husband and I have recently decided to move about 100 miles away to a +55 community. We're hoping a little distance will force them to stand on their own 2 feet. It's an easy decision for us as there are no grandchildren yet. Hopefully you'll be able to open your childrens eyes that you are not as young as you used to be. I wish you luck.

My heart goes out to you! Talk to your husband about these concerns, write them down if you must, and then have a 'family meeting. If you are not comfortable confronting your daughters, have your HUSBAND explain to your daughters that their behavior is UNACCEPTABLE!

I don't know your family history (nor do 'we' need to know)but I will say that we are treated the way we allow people to treat us. Even if any of your actions were less than perfect in the past, I'm sure they have had their moments too, (seems like they are having more of them lately) you STILL deserve respect.

Try talking to your daughters... let them know what you expect from them, and what you won't tolerate. See what they have to say. Don't make it a confrontation, just a discussion. If it gets to be too much, perhaps you really should consider having a pastor or other family friend act as a mediator and see if there is some common ground you can all stand on.

Honestly, I have to say "shame on them" for not behaving. I know there are two sides to everything, but isn't "Honour thy father and mother" still a commandment? God Bless.

The tables have turned...such is life. I took care of my mother til she passed on @ 97 yrs complications of Alzheimer's. Now we are in the almost "receiving" end of needing help. You are right...these are the "people" that will be in charge of us...what a thought..I shudder..comments have been: "I will pay someone to clean you up before I do it"..."I'll be sure to select a good nursing home for you"...etc..note: my children have advanced degrees in medicine!

You're right! When children came, hubby said, "Rose, you know I can't say no, you be in charge of decisions, decipline,etc" At the time, I was flattered that he thought I had the maturity to do this! So, Dad was always the bring candy home on way from work type of guy; "yes, lets go to the park before dinner", etc. kinda dad; while I was, "Homework needs to be done", Shoes need polishing" etc. kinda mom...and NEVER did/has he stepped in when kids are rough on mom.THANK YOU for the insight...seems so clear...

All I can say is try to mend any fences now before you both get older, rememember these are the folks that will be in charge of you later.....scary thoughts for some parents. Even though my parents where not the best at time for me...I still can't bear the thought of them going through any hell while sick or elderly. Taking care of my 86 y/o mom now..it is rough and hellish but they are still people. Some kids don't care and will just let a charge of the court take over or something or more bickering occurs...please try to smooth it out now is all I can say!