She is 37,single mom, educated and working full time, we live together and currently right now due to finances living apart not feasible. I feel very controlled almost bullied by her, everything I do annoys her. She is angry right now and refuses to speak to me , which is so abusive and hurtful. I have tried , but she ignore my attempts, she never wants to clear the air and most times it just fades, I have tried therapy. This is so toxic, she admits , she has no respect for me, yet has no problem being financially dependent on me since forever.
Perhaps you each need a roommate to make it financially, but it doesn't have to be each other. Seems to me it would be healthier to not live together.
Might you be eligible for subsidized senior housing?
Would she consider going with you to family therapy?
Sorry that I have more questions than answers, but the bottom line seems to me to stop living with someone who has no respect for you.
If I have missed something here and there is a real reason for you daughter to be the way she is or she is ill in someway, please let us know. Otherwise, she needs to move out.
This may not be the best forum for your needs- though I think we should make everyone feel welcome- I just wonder if maybe there is a different forum that can better answer your question. Maybe one for older adults find themselves taking care of their adult children. I don't know if there is such a site but a Google search might help.
In the meantime maybe we can help you here. Can you answer some of the questions that some of the other posters asked to give us more of a background?
I know that my brother, though living on his own, is still very dependent on my Dad (dad does his taxes- my brother is in his mid 40's, takes his dog to the vet, pays his mortgage and than my brother pays him back...things like that). I asked my Dad what he thought would happen to my brother if he (my dad)were to die (he is 80) - I know - not a nice topic but I was curious- and he said "what do I care. I'll be dead." I thought that was so weird! I told him he is not doing my brother any favors by helping him and not letting him learn how to do these things by himself. He just kinda shrugged. BUT-see- you would think that my brother would be nice to my Dad as he does so much for him but he is NOT. He gets mad at him all the time. I think- no I know- my brother feels like he is a failure and cannot do these things for himself. He is afraid to. He has never had to figure it out and now he is afraid of failing. He is the only boy in our family. He was very spoiled. He is not a bad person he was just never taught how to be independent. In his heart he resents this but does not know how to change. It makes me sad. I do not know if this is how your daughter feels but maybe? One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the gift of independence if they are mentally and physically able. Good luck. God bless.
When I was growing up, my grandmother lived with us- my parents and 7 kids for the last 20 years of her life. I found out many years later that my mother never wanted my gm to move in but felt guilty. My mother was passive and had very low self-esteem and my gm had a strong personality. They had very incompatible personalities. My hypercritical gm caused great stress and unhappiness for my mom. My mom felt she was never good enough-even as an adult, mother of 7 and in her own home.
Maybe you two just aren't compatible and living together has made your relationship toxic. One of you needs to move out. Maybe then you can both heal.
You and your mother should separate. Maybe not forever but moving away now seems appropriate. You seem to bring out the worst in each other. Maybe if you were only together for short visit you could both be on your best behavior. Living in a toxic environment -- even one you are contributing to yourself -- for another 15 years or so doesn't sound like a good choice to me.
Live on your own. Make new friends. Renew and deepen old friendships. Be the independent adult you are. Visit Mommy. Don't live with her.
Second do something that will make her happy. ( don’t make her feel that whatever u r doing , u r doing just to make her happy)
Show your feeling . show how much u care her and her importance in your life. Like you can hang some photos of her childhood …
Talk to her about your feeling even she ignores.
Use someone who is close to her. You can share your feeling with her friends or cousins so that they can pass the message to her .