Advice on dealing with an abusive and harassing sibling.
Does anyone have advice on dealing with an abusive and harassing sibling and/or has been through this experience?
I don't know if I should take their behavioral as a sign of burn out or reaction to new medications they are on due to a medical condition. If so, should I contact their doctor? The sister has a history of depression, etc.
My sister who has been living with my parent who has moderate dementia consistently sends out abusive emails to me and has done this to other family members and in the past has threatened violence towards me. The cops were called in to do a wellness check after this incident. The social worker involved was informed and adult protective service were brought in to make sure the parent was not under any danger. Another sibling has tried to get a restraining order against this sister.
I have done a consultation with an attorney who informs me to respond to their emails neutrally in case they are using the attacking emails as evidence if this sister pursues making the parent ward of the state. She has expressed doing in the past. Socials workers tell us we must communicate. However, I do not believe anyone should have to tolerate abusive and harassing behavior. The attorney suggests a demand letter which will cost me more money out of my pocket. I have already spent some much in elder attorney fees.
I never thought my family dynamics would get this ugly and sense due to it, it might be a sign to move my parent into long term care.
I debate walking away from the whole situation. My family was broken to begin with. Reconnecting with them feels at times like visiting the scene of a bad car wreck.
I want however what is best for my mother. Social workers involved tell me they have to focus on my mother's needs not so much the caregivers which seems odd to me. They tell me this situation would not be that hard if it wasn't for family dynamics which were not that good to begin with.
Sorry to burden you and upset those of you who don't like negative family dynamic issues.
Perhaps reaching out to my employer assistance program might help. I am somewhat ashamed of my family's situation and what is going on, that it is hard to talk about it,
I get where your sister is coming from if you deal with her the same way.
Just curious, how often do you and other siblings care for your mom, like go to her house and take care of her so the boots on the ground caregiver sibling can get a break? Cause, it's your mom too.
1) Should YOU contact your Sis's doc? Starting us off with a joke, right? If not, then answer is: No. You should not. You should never speak to anyone else's doctor about their medications unless they are incompetent and you are their guardian. It isn't your business.
That you suggested such an invasion of privacy raises the red flag.
2) Your Sister lives with and cares for your parent, you tell us. She suffers from depression by history. She has sent you emails SO ABUSIVE that you have involved police/attorneys/social workers in them. None of those authorities have been in the slightest responsive to you.
Another red flag pops up.
WHAT did these emails ASK of you or ACCUSE you of?
You say you have spent a ton on attorney time. Why? What for?
What EXACTLY do you want an attorney to DO for you.
Red flag #2 is raised.
Advice: If you don't like emails, erase them without reading after telling the person: "I am not reading further emails; am sending them directly to archives and forwarding to my attorney". If there is an emergency and I'm needed give a call."
3) There is no "shame" in any of this. Many families don't get along or agree on elder care. To my mind the GENERAL POA should be the caregiver, and that person should have all the power (unless they are abusive to the parent). Everyone else should just "be polite".
4) You say that your family was "broken to begin with". (red flag-#3)
You say you consider "walking away from the situation". You say you want what is "best for your mother."
Advice: Yes. I think you should do just that--walk away. If you hold MPOA resign it. It is a worthless position that the general POA can fill, anyway.
5) In a response below you say "She had got free rent" by taking care of the mother all this time. I hope that's another joke I just don't get. If not, it calls for a whole truck load of red flags. And I hope for your poor sister's sake she has an excellent care- contract drawn up by a good attorney.
6) BOTH the MPOA and the POA should sign for admission to a Nursing Home or other facility. But it is the FINANCIAL and GENERAL POA that trumps all and will be REQUIRED to sign for admission. A caregiver serves "at will" and can resign that position at a second's notice, giving up her duties to a sibling or to the STATE.
MPOA basically makes decisions about medical care only, and is seldom ever required to make any not already listed on advance directives. It's a "junk designation" and the MPOA can resign with no repercussions to the principal at all. The general POA would automatically be consulted then about all medical decisions if input required. And a general POA would trump a MPOA any day in regards to financial decisions/assets. As you have an attorney you already know all this.
So given you have told us absolutely nothing about why sister is so furious at you (a red flag), about who holds the REAL (general) power of POA here, about what your sister wants from you (another flag pops) I would say that all I can recommend on the face of what you HAVE TOLD US is that yes, I absolutely feel you should remove yourself from this situation completely. For your good. For you mother's good. For your sister's good. And for the relief of every Social Worker, Cop and Attorney involved in this.
I usually say I am so sorry for what you are going through. However, without further info I find that I am not sorry, and that on the facts of your OWN writings you look to be a very real participant in the problems you have presented.
You have a severely stressed caregiver telling you it's too much who is becoming unhinged and all you seem to care about is making your damn mother happy.
Obviously you all have serious issues because this stressed sister is so cowed by mom she won't use her POA to place mom in a facility.
I would love to understand the dynamics with that. She can get mom in a facility but refuses to do the thing that gets mom out and her life back. Why?
I question if the POA does not want to be held financially responsible for the nursing home bills, has mixed feelings after all about admitting my mother to long term care, etc.
Per my attorney the HCP is only required to sign "the consent to treat" and "release of medical information" and not financial forms. I am going to check to see if the back up POAs will stand in if needed.
Burnout is not a mosquito bite. It's serious, I was there 6 months ago. You don't care if you live or die. You go through the motions of life, you put a fake smile on pretend everything is ok. Inside your dieing.
Long-term caregiving changes your brain chemistry. Your sister now has PTSD!! She is in serious danger of her own health issues.
I'm not going to tell you what to do with mom because it's your sister I'm concerned for. .
I'm sorry if I was blunt and to the point but someone has to get your sister some help.
Please keep us posted. I get how hard this is
I agree that this is “ a sign to move Mom to long term care “.
What is best is that your mother receive care without destroying the mental health of her caregivers.
Why is your sister lashing out at siblings ? What exactly is the problem with placing Mom? Is sis on her own feeling guilty about placing Mom or are siblings giving her a guilt trip over how she handles things or over placing Mom ?
Sis sounds burned out . Is she sending emails saying she is angry that she has to do the bulk of the caregiving ? You haven’t said what is in these emails .
It’s a bad situation . Do you think you could speak to the social worker about suggesting to your sister that Mom be placed. I agree it’s odd that the social worker isn’t concerned about the caregiver . Perhaps a different social worker . How about contacting the County Area of Aging where your mother lives , speak to a social worker there .
I do hope you could all find a way to work together temporarily to place Mom so you all can find peace . Some families can not be mended. My siblings have for the most part gone separate ways due to lifelong divisions caused by my mother pitting one child against the other .
In your other thread you said Mom has 24/7 hired caregivers come in . Why hasn’t sis moved out ? You didn’t answer in your last thread of why sis hasn’t moved out . You did state she has been living there rent free . Is the fact that she lives there rent free a bone of contention with you or siblings ? Is that what the animosity is about , prompting this feud ? Or perhaps sis is too mentally ill to hold down a job ? Does sis fear being homeless if she places Mom ? Why does she threaten to make Mom a ward of the state ?
Your story has pieces missing to it that you consistently leave out, making it difficult to understand .
Is this sibling burning out from caring for your Mom? This seems like a possibility. If you don't want your Mom to be cared for by an unhinged sister and you don't want your Mom to be assigned a 3rd party legal guardian, then you or some other sibling/relative should take over the caregiving, permanently.
FYI my SFIL had to have a court-assigned legal guardian. It was a very good experience that helped him in a hopeless situation. The guardian was very responsive to us, his family. Your Mom would get the care and protection she needs and your sister may get her mind back. Did she have mental health issues in the past? How old is she? Is she getting paid to do it? Is she getting weekends off and long vacations? If not, this would drive anyone to the brink.
Please provide the missing info.
Agreed she needs some time off. She has a history of having my mother sent to short-term, orthopedic, rehab facilities to get some respite care of herself.
I believe she needs a vacation out of the house. I can suggest it; each time I make a suggestion I tend to get negative responses.
Tread careful until you feel safe.
I went to see one. I spoke about some issues, but didn't want to keep peeling down further at that time. (I do have some possible plans to return later this year).
I did not feel judged. I hope you don't either. I sat in that warm slightly dim room & felt.. good.
You get born right? Our carers did the best job, or whatever job they could, made choices that may have or may not have been good at the time. How patterns of behaviour & communication develop in families must be a very complex thing.
Let me ask some questions. Who has POA for your mother? Does your mother also financially support your sister? If it's your sister with the POA and she lives off your mother, this will complicate things. Your mother's needs especially if she has dementia and cannot make decisions for herself, MUST come before anything else.
I come from a dysfunctional, abusive family myself. I also did homecare for 25 years. So I've seen every family dynamic there is.
Here's how you should proceed here.
By all means do what the social worker says and communicate with your sister. Honestly though. Your sister sounds burned out and needs help. A person should NEVER be a caregiver to a person, especially someone with dementia that they have a dysfunctional and/or an abusive history with.
It most certainly is not your place to talk to your sister's doctors about her psychiatric "meds" or conditions. That's none of your damn business. Have some respect.
It sounds to me like your sister is at the end of her rope with the caregiving. The police and APS do not think your sister is a viable threat worthy of taking action against and the court does not believe a restaining order against her is necessary. That being said, you and your other non-caregiving sibling are likely the cause of the problems here. The cops, the state, and the court know it too. That's why they aren't acting on it.
Get over yourself about the "abusive" and "harassing" emails from your sister that you think you shouldn't have to tolerate. Delete them and move on.
Here's something you can try that will help. Instead of hiring lawyers and paying for that why don't you spend that money on some homecare to give your sister a break and a little help with the caregiving?
Or instead of trying to start trouble with your sister's doctors about her "meds" and complaining about her mean emails, how about showing her some respect and take over some of the caregiving?
Try these steps and watch your family dynamic improve a tenfold.
I sense a reluctance to tell us some REAL needed information.
WHICH of you Sisters-at-War is GENERAL/Financial POA?
Which of you is MPOA (as I said, a somewhat silly designation really, esp. if the elder is currently (hopefully) a DNR status.
It would be the GENERAL POA who would place a "legally incompetent" elder into care. She would not require the MPOA for anything whatsoever. If she wishes counsel on that she can hire some with her POA funds.
Hopefully the general POA is the caregiver, also. Anything other enters into the ludicrous in managing elder care, as does appointing Siblings at War to different legal status of POA.
Our answers as to possible paths forward for you are dependent on the answers to the above.
Truth told, as you already HAVE an attorney (one at the least) you already have access to competent legal care in your area. Follow his instructions. Get along. Be polite.
As to troublesome emails, there is nothing to be done about them ever, in all truth.
Even idle threats don't count for much unless and until actual harm is attempted, as luck would have it.
And I am sure you have competent advice legally as to that, as well.
YOU appear to be the one calling in attorneys, social workers and cops.
From what you say they seem singularly unimpressed/uninterested in your complaints.
For me, it appears that if you are not the CAUSE, then certainly you are likely exacerbating this whole situation. Which is a shame for a devoted caregiving sister with depression already desperate and drowning in the care of an elder with dementia. I would LOVE to hear HER side when your own side is coming across to me so lacking in a reason for sympathy for your plight.
But, as I said below, I have no stomach for Siblings at War over a still living parent. Reminds me of the nuns seeking relics pulling off St Catherine's (of Siena's) fingers (according to some) when she wasn't quite dead. I always get that quite dreadful picture stuck in my head.